[Impala]

My nature is to ask questions,to search for"why" things may have gone wrong in certain situations and then try to "put them right".I can spend a great deal of my time doing this.This applies to relationships as well as other situations in life.Yet,when I look back on things ,in general terms ,things seem to have a greater chance of turning out the way I want them to if I relax and back off. In fact there's an old saying ""By letting go, it all gets done. The world is won by those who let it go. But when you try and try, the world is beyond the winning." The more I go through life,the more I believe this to be true..........................so why am I not very good at it? !

[KarenG44]

I'm not very good at it because the more I feel a lack of contol, and ...... I often have a lack of control over my emotional state, I try all the harder.
I've always felt safer in a controled enviroment.
I have a phobia of storms, and storms are so NOT controled.
They go and do whatever they want.
That freaks me out.
I had a dream once where a tornado came into the basement, where I was hiding from it, and pulled me out!
No escape really from turmoil.
But, rationally, I know turmoil will and needs to happen to change things.
I just got some meds yesterday to help me with change....good change, but change.
Let go....lol, not easy, but I'll do it while fussing under my breath.
Good topic!

Karen

[biiv]

know what you mean impala.

A wise friend PM'ed me today and shared the wisdom of how it is better to learn how to avoid certain stressors than to expect yourself to cope with them. Truer words could not have been spoken to me at a more perfect time.

Like many with MI the need to have control can trigger me to put every ounce of my effort into coping with those things that create stress in my life. Be they big or small they add to the 'stress bucket' and if I don't do something to release the stress then I am destined for a melt down or panic attack.

For a long time I thought I was weak if I didn't plow through whatever it was that was causing the stress. Like it was some kind of competition between me and the stress. I wasn't going to let ‘it’ win or beat me so my answer was always to keep on truckin' and maintain control at any cost.

This lifestyle eventually got the better of me until I had a total physical and mental breakdown last fall. I had no choice but to admit I wasn't able to control everything. To acknowledge my dysfunctions. I had to come out of the denial that I could keep it together if I just worked at it harder. I eventually had to be willing to avoid some of the stress rather than feel the need to confront and conquer all of it.

I still saw it as a weakness and that feed some depressive thinking but I was in no position to argue. I had no energy to fight anymore. I had no mental capacity to stand strong. I owned the weakness for a while as a negative tag and I had to ride the roller coaster again until I changed my vocabulary.

Rather than judging myself to be weak as though I was 'less then...' I opted to acknowledge I was human and I had real limits. I had to learn about sectioning my life, events, commitments, goals and dreams into 'manageable pieces'. I grew some empathy for myself and I stopped beating myself up for coming short of my former standards of success and personal worthiness.

I still overdo sometimes and I still spew horrible self talk at myself for my limitations and my disabilities when events overwhelm me. When I engage in the fight for control. Less and less thankfully. Gratefully there are people here and in my real life that come to me or that I can go to for a reminder of the basics.

Some days it's one minute at a time, others one hour, while other's one day at a time depending on the number of stressors in my path. An important reminder for me came from that dear friend who PM'ed me today..... as my awareness grows, as I acknowledge that not all stressors need to be 'stared down' that I'm no less strong for avoiding a stress as fighting with it.... I'm getting closer and closer to the prize. A lifestyle that integrates coping skills that allow me to be free, have peace and keep in forward motion is worth working for but it need not be a struggle or a fight. I am finding the balance.

I've come to realize lately that I'm an 'over-thinker'. I allow things to spin around and round in my head until it zaps energy I can't afford to loose. I imagine every possibility of something and generally latch on to the worst imaginings. I think this is a learned defense from disappointment. 99.9% of the time my 'worst case' never happens but it may as well have given the effect it has on my wellbeing.

I'm learning to limit how much time I allow myself to think about any one thing. To cope, I now cut myself off from thinking... I literally watch the clock and after a short time I take whatever it that has me over analyzing to prayer and leave it for my faith to resolve.

Like any coping skill it takes practice and persistence. If I know something to be destructive but can't 'talk' myself into making the right choice I give it up to prayer and by faith I let it go. I don't feed my phobias and my fears as much as I used to and I'm stronger for it.

Keep on doing what makes you stronger and baby yourself if you have to. We can do anything..... we just may need to do things differently and in baby steps.

Thanks freewill for the wonderful PM this morning. And other too who have taken the time to offer me their kind support and wonderful wisdom. The blessings go on and on and on......

Everything is working out cuz I honoured my limits, listened to the wisdom and stopped the paranoid thinking. I allowed myself the rest that I needed until I could rest without it being a struggle.

Opps.... really let myself babble there. Hope something useful for others comes through.

Take it easy..... it's helping me get through a stressful time without major incident. HORRAY!!!

[Impala]

Yes,I think it's all about "control" and not feeling the need to have it-it's almost uncanny how,when I've relaxed,sat back and let things happen in life,I've been much happier with the outcome-I just have to get the knack of doing it more often!!!!

[Impala]

Is there a way of making a conscious decision to be this way/to relax? I rather find it happens when I've tried the "running round and fixing it" mode and I've exhausted everything else-it would be a whole lot easier if I could cut out the running around etc in the first place!

[ECHOES]

I think there is a way to invite that to be how you want to be.

The desire to be relaxed is the beginning. Maybe for some it's enough. I think meditation and relaxation exercises help very much. Therapy too.

Often too, I find the things in life happen how they happen in spite of anything I do.

Our pespective is different when things happen in life and we're in a relaxed mode so it can even be a 'Which came first--the chicken or the egg" refection to think about when it happens.

Here's a guided imagery I have used often and I like. You can do it right at your computer. It says it takes 20 minutes which sounds like a long time, but it goes by so fast and is so relaxing it feels like 5 minutes! It's free and it's called Secret Garden and it's at www.meditainment.com. I hope you enjoy it if you decide to try it.

Also, I like to read Pema Chodron's insightful books. They are thought-provoking and her writing style is very relaxing to read. She's very down to earth, humorous. She's an American Buddhist nun and you can find her books here at this site: www.shambhala.com. Her books are also on Amazon.com.

[frogysgirl]

chocolatelover, I know exactly what you mean. My t says I often "project". The hard thing for me is getting relaxed. My mind keep going and going - like the Energizer Bunny! I've tried just about everything, but there are times when "letting go" escapes me but when I do, things also get easier foir me. They may not always go the way I want them too, but it's definitley much easier to relax than "fight". Like I said, it's getting there that's hard for me!

[(JD)]

Isn't being content what we all would like? I don't think that people who are content in life have everything go swimmingly for them. It's all about their perspective in life, isn't it?

My life is better when I don't feel like I have to control everything. Thankfully, I'm way past that now, though it creeps in from time to time. At those times I am not content.

My content comes from knowing that my God is Sovereign. Romans 8:28 states that ALL things work together for good for them who are in Christ. Knowing that God is in ultimate control helps me to not feel the pressure of having to make things right. I can just do my best. Things will work out eventually.

So yes, when I relax and allow things to flow, I find life well worth living! I can enjoy the smaller, and finer things here for me. I can "not sweat the small stuff" that others carry about and try to dump on me. It's a good perspective to have, imo.

[Impala]

Yes,it is about contentment-when we are not strivng for something we haven't got,when the "grass isn't greener" we are calmer and more relaxed.As far as relationships go I feel other people sense too when there isn't the urgency,the need to "fix" things-there's something very attractive about someone who is happy in themselves isn't there?