How would you describe yourself to someone ?

These past weeks as most of you know has been extremely difficult for me. I've went from being a caregiver,sister, and daughter to non of them. I told my T this week that I dont know who I am anymore. He said you cant think of anything.He asked me how would I describe myself to someone new I met online? I said well fat and ugly . But thats it. I drew a complete blank. So he started naming off some things he could think of. I didnt feel anything even with him saying them. I dont know how to take this. If I am just that numb right now or what. I can understand how this is important to know who you are. So do you know how to describe yourself to someone?

T said I was:
Caring
I had a love for life
creative
humorous?

((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))))) for your pain, I wish I could help ease some of it...

I too have transitioned from being wife (that I valued) to ex-wife...from daughter,, from sister,,,from caregiver.. to me...

The lack of having a choice hurt a great deal in these transitions... because like everyone I want my "role" back..
A time of being lonely,,, and adrift...

Transition of my son to adulthood.. after losing the other "roles" was also very difficult...
More.. feeling adrift.. and trying to find a foothold..

So thru the last 5 years my T has worked with me and this is a little of what I see... of course I could mention the negative things... but he is teaching me to see the positive..

And after hanging in there... I am seeing a "me"...

1) a person... when married to an abusive man I
felt after 12 years as a non-person
2)loving
3) caring
4)compassionate
5) talkative..lol according to some... maybe could be less so
6) gullible - people do take advantage of this
7) wise about things I shouldn't even have to know about
8) humorous



sending (((((love)))) your way...fw

(((((((((((sweet)))))))))) your t is right about you, i would add compassionate, kind, thoughtful and inspiring.

at the moment I couldn't describe ME as the real me, I could describe me as a person who doesn't know the real me, no confidence or self esteem, fat and ugly, aggressive at times, scared, guiltyfull of anxiety and fairly low most of the time.

but i WILL GET BETTER AND SO WILL YOU

Take care, Love you, Jinny xoxoxoxoxoxo

Beth,

I went through that exact feelings when I lost my career in 1994. For 15 years, I had been an aerospace firmware engineer (so what in the world is that anyway?.....software engineer in more technical terms). Before that, I was the student going for my BS degree so I could have my career.

Never once did I identify myself as wife or mother....even I was all those things also. I wasn't happy being those things which is probably why I never wanted to identify myself by them. That was what made loosing my career even worse because I didn't have anything else & everything else I had was dependent on the income I was getting as an engineer....so I lost everything. My career was my escape from home & family on top of it all. So you can imagine how I felt. Needless to say, that brought about some major suicidal times in my life which wasn't pretty.

I remember them saying how I wasn't my career & that I was much more than that, but again, what else it was was what I didn't care about that much anyway. It actually hasn't been until lately that I have been able to describe myself & learning that what I was before I got married & the motivated, hard working engineer......keep the motivated & hard working....& drop the engineer part...is still what I really am today.

I had actually even lost that part of me during the impossible time of my life because I had given up & was angry at the life I had. My husbands lack of motivation & irresponsibility had actually taken over my life too because I didn't care anymore. I got my first american eskimo dog & my first horse during that time & started showing my eskimos & showing in dressage. I did well in both inbetween hospitalizations. How I could be good at something I didn't even try at actually ended up being a strong point I didn't know I had.

Just before my Mother died, my husband lost his career too. During my horrible time, he was always telling me that I was more than my career, but when he lost his, he found out that is exactly how it feels.....now I am telling him the same thing he told me....& he doesn't believe a word I say either.

Actually it was just before my Mother died, that I decided to go back & take some classes at the junior college in the field of interior design that I absolutely love....far cry from being an engineer. I found that when I stepped back into the school environment, I was extremely active & took over the treasurers position of the Interior design club, became the leison with one of the professional groups & pulled a lot of weight at getting money for the club from the schools administration. This was the me that had been well hidden for years...& actually even more than I had ever been before. Then I was blessed with my new foal & that part of my life with my horses was really going strong. I was a mommy to the most adorable filly & she imprinted to me which really made me feel important.

When I went through the horrible ID theft & abuse that the home care person pulled on my Mother & me, I really lost is again. Everything was happening around me & I couldn't figure any of it out....I just knew something was wrong & kept on it until I figured it out...unfortunately a bit too late & the trauma took it's tole & then anger set in when they ended up dropping the case & she got away with it all. (I am still not over that all yet....but working on ways of making it right in the end).

After I sold my Mothers house, I knew I needed to purchase a place where I could have my horses & dogs on my own property without being hassled by neighbors or having to pay to board my horses. I had an idea, but everytime my pdoc would suggest ideas, it was always "I can't......', "I can't.....". Finally one day, I took a forward step & flew to Ky to look at farms...the only reason I did it then was because the air fares would be going up if I went any later. The rest is history here & the time I spent alone at my farm was when I truely realized who & what I am. I am a strong person who can do almost anything that I am physically able to do. I have ideas & can organize & actually coordinate with the best contractors. I can learn about anything & can even take the worst green pool with swimmy bugs & frogs & turn it into a beautiful swimming pool (never had a pool before in my life).

I also enjoy my crafts & love my music...just picked up my flute again & it was like I had never stopped playing years ago when I did. The confidence I found in myself was enough to let me know that I will be ok to take care of my farm alone....by myself....even after 32 years of being married. I know that I need my peace without the fighting & I need to not be influenced by the bad attitudes & lack of action that has drug me down over the years. I don't have to be the aerospace engineer.....I am me!!!!! The person that enjoys my life as it is for what it is every day....& as it changes, so must I to be adaptable,,,,,but never to loose my values or my drive to enjoy my life.

This is basically how I would describe myself today & the self I have evolved from.

Debbie

looking at me from the outside,
terribley obese, smashed in nose (broken twice by beatings before wonderful hubby)
looking at me from inside,
compationate to a fault
nurturing
cuddely
creative
a jokester
crafty
hey I think I'll keep me

For me I think the negative out weighs the positive.

For positive I am creative and talented in certailn areas but I lack the confidence that is needed to be successful at it.

((((((((sweet))))))) i am sorry you are going threw this. You will find yourself. Look deep inside you are there. always have been. We are all inside ourselfs you just have to want to see. Does that make sense.

((((((((snow)))))))))))))))
You are a very caring person snow who always listens. You always have the other person put thier problems first. You to are in there.

Its funny sweet you would bring this up. I started writing this a few days ago. Really just for me. But maybe this will help.kinda long.

just me

when i walked into this site.
I was dressed in farmer pants.
Black and grey hair i wore
a very small person i felt
did not want to be seen, ever.
only just wanted to be me.
was to filled with saddness
to be just me.......
many a day
I sat in chat.
many a thing i wrote in cc
many friends I made here.
All who helped me to be me.
Sunshine manor at that time
i thought had no sun shine
A friend helped me to see
it truly was filled with it.
Just needed to open the curtains.

Away went the farmer pants
many a pounds i lost.
black and grey hair is now gone
blond replaced it along with a tan.
The new me the one that was really just me.
I let her out I decided I could be seen.
Still have my laugh and humor too.

I am a wife, a mom, a caregiver to my sister, a friend.
I am just me............But me is proud to be me.

It took me along time sweet to be able to let ppl see the real me. Even with working every day. Some do not like the change. But I am the one who has to be happy with me.

Hope this helps alittle.

Sweet, did you agree with what your T said? I know sometimes it is just impossible to see what others see.

It's a good question though.

I guess I'd describe myself as:

creative
artistic
sarcastic
compassionate
moody
intense
intellectual
extreme
impulsive at tmes
not even from this planet, lol

Bethy, as per our conversation last night, I would probably describe myself the same way you did; fat and ugly. But I know there's a world of improvement I can make on the outside. That's all you and I are looking at.

What made you a good daughter, Hon?
1. Loyal
2. Caring
3. Responsible
4. Understanding and sympathetic
NO ONE can take this away from you!

You are MY friend. I find you
1. Loving
2. Loyal
3. Tenacious (you didn't give up on me when we were going through rough times)
4. Humorous (we find healing in our silliness)
5. Creative (Child-like... as opposed to childish. It's our inner child that does the creating. It's a GOOD thing)
6. Artistic
7. Likeable as well as lovable
8. Inspirational (You're circumstances as well as thig thread are making me take another long, hard look at myself and my life.)
9. Courageous!

Not sure, sorry (((((((((((( Bethy )))))))))))))

I've been thinking about this since you first posted it, and I don't have an answer. I hope you find yours.

((((((((((((bethy)))))))))))))
u are funny and caring and sweet ... did i mention funny

its a good question
my mind is full of contradictions...........
i am me

I know from experience how hard it is to see yourself as others see you. And I believe I understand how hard it is to credit yourself with the good things. But they are there.

The hardest part is to not focus on the things you see in yourself as negative. But you can do it; you can tell yourself the good things; you'll be ok. TC

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SweetSunshine said:
These past weeks as most of you know has been extremely difficult for me. I've went from being a caregiver,sister, and daughter to non of them.

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((((((((((((((((((((( SweetSunshine )))))))))))))))))))))))))

You are still a caregiver, sister and daughter. Those things have not left you, they have only changed in a way that is unfamiliar to you. You will always be a caretaker - you take care of you, your husband and those you care about. You will always be a sister - you cannot divorce your family, but the dynamics of those relationships can and do change over time. And, you are always your father's daughter. Again, the dynamics of your relationship with your father can and will change during your lifetime.

You are an individual. One who has many facets in her personality. (don't we all???) You are looking for a place in your life to fit in, a place that has meaning and is positive in it's roll.

When I went through my "awakening" as I call it, I felt lost, scared, alone and very confused about my roll in my life and others lives as well. I had to determine exactly what I could give to others, exactly what I could accept from others and exactly what I wanted for myself. For the first time in my life, I put myself first. I found out that putting myself first does not mean that I am not there for others and other responsibilities. It meant that in order for me to continue giving to others, I first had to give to myself. By accepting that fact, I was able to accept myself, my wants and my needs.

After I accepted the fact that I was worthy of my own help, things began to fall into place for me. I will not say it was easy. Things I thought I wanted changed. I thought at times I was loosing what I wanted, only to find that I wasn't loosing anything, I was gaining a self respect, a self esteem and figuring out that not everything I want is exactly right for me. Sometimes I had to accept that I got what I needed more than I got what I wanted. From there I learned how to work with what I had.....made my way to find what I needed and then worked on what I wanted.

This is not to say that people didn't balk at my decision to spend some quality time on myself. It was difficult for some family members to accept that I wasn't always going to "fix" their problems for them. They had to learn how to let me go and find their own way so that I could find my way.

So, in essence, I describe myself as a work in progress. A loving, caring individual who is still working on herself while giving as much as I can to others along the way. I give what I can, when I can and I refuse to feel guilty when I am just not able to go any further. I am a mom, a wife, a sister, a friend, an individual, a hard worker, a slacker, an emotional basket case at times, a strong willed individual at other times.

Hugsssssssss
xoxoxoxo
sabby