I'm done trying to be a decent person when there are easier ways to get by.

I getcha. While I try to avoid wearing all black to prevent unwanted stares and feeling like I'm some sort of whiny emo/goth teen, I do always have a sort of stoic look or even a constant frown on my face.

I just want to avoid the whole looking like I'm going to go ballistic on someone at any moment look, I suppose.

True. I need to get better at my facial expressions. I hardly ever smile and I always have a serious look on my face. I might laugh and smile when I'm with people that I know enough to feel comfortable around, but strangers? Uh uh lol

Oh and black clothing does have an extra benefit: it is easier to wash. If all of your clothing is dark colors like black, grey dark red, and navy like mine are, it makes washing them much easier. I don't have to waste the extra time out of my busy day sorting clothing to be washed; I just grab a pile of clothes and throw them in the washer and dump some soap in there and be done with it. Efficiency FTW haha

My husband used to wear all black too. It just happened to be his favorite color he told me. He did that for years even after we were married. Oh...and absolutely refused to wear anything other than t-shirt n jeans. Now...he prefers no jeans but rather shorts or "jogging pants" for comfort, and has decided black is ok sometimes but not all the time. I have been with him through it all. I didn't love him any more or less bc of his clothes. Some do judge based on our outerwear, yes. ... But, some judge based on how smart we are, or what beliefs we have, what color our hair is, how fat or skinny we are, how much money we have, what political party we claim to agree with, etc. My point is, there is no way to make sure you are not judged harshly and will therefore gain friends. Just be yourself, enjoy being you. The ones who are true friends will be attracted strongest to you when they see you being self confident yet not overly gruff, and just enjoying yourself for who n what you are. There will be people all through life that come and go. The only one constant you can depend on, is you...so, you need to like you. Once you like you, people sense it. Then, you will find more people flock to you more easily.

You aren't as bad with social skills as you seem to think, but you are hard on yourself. You really are doing a lot better than when we first met.

It was nice to see the response you made to Turtle_Rider. I am proud of you. I hope you are too.

*hugs*

((((DarknessIsMyFriend))))

it might help you get the support you need if you didn't post this same topic literally every week

go for. go big or go home. See if it works for you. The dark side might be your thing
good luck

I'm not sure what this means?
Are you telling him to leave the site?
Are you saying if something troubles us for months on end, we should only post about it once or twice and then never again?
He has said countless times "I don't really want to do this (darker stuff he talks about) but I see no other way", so your advice is "do it, maybe it's your thing?"

Sorry but I really don't get that.

I don't post about this topic every week but I might just heed your advice and do this.

If people won't accept me than **** them. Society needs to evolve to the 21st century. The majority of society are the ones who are mentally ill and not me. The masses or sheeple as I call them, are the ones that are sick because they believe all of the lies on the mainstream media, mindlessly do what society has programmed them to do like robots (go to school, go to college, get married, have kids, die), and buy fancy houses, cars, and get a bunch of credit cards that they can't afford and live in debt to sate their emptiness. The majority are who are broken and not me. I am merely a threat to the establishment because I am actually able to think for myself, unlike them. Because of this, I have been labeled an undesirable and an outcast by the powers that be.

I will just become a pure black hat and just live off of doing shady online business ventures that are legal but ethically questionable to get ahead in life. I will disrupt the natural order of things and do what I please. If people won't accept me or care about me, than it's on them.

This and another thread of mine has made me realize that I can never have friends or loved ones that aren't like me. About the only people who will ever care about me are outcasts like myself. I guess I have to accept that.

This song goes out to you, my friend.

You seem conflicted. Why be like the masses? What you see isn't reality. Mainstream society is a facade. Why don't you consider working on your strengths and finding a place where you naturally fit, instead of worrying about the nasty labels people have put on you, because you are different? Being different can definitely have a lot of advantages, especially if you embrace it. It is a part of who you are.

If you are not real with yourself it will be very hard to be content and succeed in life.

I hope that didn't come across as harsh. Sorry, if it did. It wasn't my intent.

As a lady with ASD I went through a lot of similar experiences that you are going through right now when I was younger. It gets better, you just have to work with who you are.

Some of us cannot fake our ways through life very well. There is absolutely nothing wrong with not being able to put that off. Wouldn't you rather be content than miserable?

I used to think money would solve my problems. Then I married a man who happens to be wealthy. Didn't know that at first I just keep kind of lucked out if you can call it that. Guess what? I'M STILL ME! I don't have to work, I'm able to take expensive art classs. Can drive whatever car I choose. Deep down, I'm still depressed, have rage issues, low self esteem, don't get along with a lot of people, especially my sisters.

Reaching the point of not caring what another people think of you can be liberating. I reached that point long ago. I spend my time getting to know myself, figuring out what I really need, talking to a therapist, and whatever else I can do to make myself feel better. I don't know if I will ever be "happy" I'll settle for not being in pain most days.

Come on that was a guy taking the opportunity to be a troll. Ignore!

But I do wonder why you do seem to bring this topic up a lot in a way that is almost like asking for our permission to be or not be a black hat. Or perhaps you want to hear us say "yes you will make a lot of money and have a great life if you do that." You seem to be searching for something. If you want to live the life you want I would say just do it but you don't need to justify it to any of us. More like your are justifying it to you in sort of written form. The fact that you aren't just doing it and sort of putting it out there for someone to disagree without says you don't want to do it.

I see what you are saying here and I kind of agree but, to a point. When I was younger and had no money I was a rage machine. It meant everything if my car broke down because I had no other way of getting anyplace. It meant everything if I missed a credit card payment and was charged a late fee. All that just put massive stress on me. Now that I have more money and can just pay a late fee I am happier. Not 100% rage free but like 50% less.

I admit that I need therapy. I have a lot of emotional insecurities and I crave power and money to circumvent them. I just don't know how much longer I can hold on all on my own without caving in and doing the things that I talk about on here. I don't know why I do the things that I do.

I am just so overwhelmed with my crazy schedule. I can't get in to see a decent therapist yet due to how busy I am during the week and the fact that I don't have reliable transportation. I am trying to work towards getting my license but doing so takes time and money. I would need to wait at least 6-8 weeks to begin seeing a decent therapist and I don't know if I can hold out that long.

Maybe I am just crying for help? Maybe I'm trying to push you guys away? IDK anymore.

Sorry for making these threads. I am just hurting inside and I want to stop hurting any way that I can.

You're right.

I used to think like this but ever since starting college, it is hard for me to hold on to that way of thinking when I am craving human connection and I have to deal with a lot of these young college students fresh out of high school figuring things out. I am triggered at least once every day that I'm at school. I feel like an outsider. I am trying to get better at dealing with people but it's hard for me.

In fact, today, I got frustrated with this girl in my class. We were about to leave to go to a lecture and I suck at taking notes and I was in a bad mood so I was grumbling and she was all like "don't need to be so negative buddy". I bit my tongue but in my head I was cursing her for being a mainstream Starbucks sipping idiot who will be poorer than me in a few years because she buys $5 lattes everyday and I live on $3-5 a day on average. Later on after we left the lecture, we went into a room to discuss notes and our upcoming assignments and the professor was having us get folders and I was passing the folders to the table behind me where she was sitting and I threw her folder at her while giving her a malicious glare. I excused myself from class afterwards under the guise of me being stressed out because of work and school.

That is just one example of the type of B.S that has been frustrating me every day.

Agreed.

This reminds me of a quote that I read awhile back: Money may not actually buy happiness but it feels better to cry inside a Mercades than on a park bench.

The point of having a lot of money for me would to be able to escape all of the pain that I feel through immersing myself in things that I'm passionate about, such as video games and technology without having to work a regular job that I would be miserable at and having to worry about losing the job because my boss doesn't like me or something that I did and becoming homeless.

For this reason, I am so certain that having a lot of money would improve my quality of life exponentially that I bet my life on it. I know that money might not make me completely happy, but I don't think that it is possible nor realistic for me to be completely happy after what I've been through in my life.

LOL, Darkness, this is funny.

Darkness, that girl? You need to sit yourself down and tell yourself "do not let that person bother you!" In fact, instead of being angry "make" yourself be pleasant you are certainly smart enough to practice doing that. You can "learn" you don't have to like a person to be nice to them. I also think that girl probably triggered you because your mother was negative like that. And now you are having a negative cycle, can you see that?

Make a note of this, I think you need to slowly identify these kind of triggers so you can work on taking the power out of them more and more. You know, it's ok that you vented here, this is you having a negative cycle, better to vent it "out" than turn it inward. This isn't so much about the people you encounter, it's the anger you experience that you need to work on gaining more control over. Also, you need to learn how to sit in a classroom even when you get triggered. You need to feel you CAN sit in your own space despite things around you that can trigger you. Hun, you are smart enough, you can do this, you can LEARN to do this. I told you about my brother remember? Well, he had to learn how to do this, he often could not afford to eat, did not always have a place to sleep and napped in the library. You know what? He did make it and he also got the mercedes.

Thanks.

I don't doubt that I'm smart enough to manage. I just have difficulties when it comes to my emotions.

I'm hoping things start getting better for me when I get a license and car and am able to better optimize my schedule and see a therapist.

Until then, I'll try to hold on.

Sorry if you felt I was harsh on you before, but it's because I see a good person here, yes You! Make as many threads as you need. I know you are going to do well, I can feel it because you are very determined. Keep on keeping on!

I think you are crying for help. Nothing wrong with that. Again, I do feel for you. Been there and also was looking for help. I even started a group in my area of people who said they were all looking for the same thing.. help. But, they lied. They weren't really looking for the same thing I was. And, in the end, no one really helped. Except for 1 friend who is just an amazing friend and I won't forget but, really her help was just like a little help.

I don't think you need therapy. It does suck to be alone and poor and talking about that I don't think changes things. Though I think you could work on your patience.

Very funny and true. Maybe this will help though. A couple of years ago I got me a BMW. I LOVED that car. It was the dream to drive around in the BMW and see the envy. Men were way more interested in talking to me (but they really were in love with the car) But, I got pulled over more by cops.. if anything went wrong with it... the bill was 1k, and the gas billl -- likes. Never mind how bad it was on the snow. So got it out of my system and traded it in for a fiesta and now I can't really imagine buying a status car again.

How then do you suggest that I work on my social and emotional issues? I have no family to speak of and little if any friends outside of this site. I am alone navigating the world's scary waters. This is the first time that I've ever been out by myself with next to no external support from other people and the first time I've ever taken in this amount of responsibility on my own.

I've been looking into a couple of courses to build my charisma and social skills but I don't see how that's going to be enough on it's own when I am still insecure around other people and envious towards those who have things that I want. Unless I live life like a sociopath and just lie and manipulate people with my charisma when I build it or do what I was talking about in this thread and make a lot of money via questionable means and use money and power to shield my fragile ego, I don't see how I can build myself up to be emotionally healthy around other people on my own.

I don't know how to do all of this on my own. I can't be expected to with all that I've been through.

all you can do is try. Be the you that you want to be. No one else can really do this for you. ((( hugs)))

I don't see necessarily how therapy helps. In the end you will have to do all these things on your own. Perhaps they will be helpful but if they aren't... well just a waste of time. But if you feel like you need it maybe it would be a good thing to have someone to listen.

I am alone too. Parents dead. Brother thinks I am a mutant and I see him once per year. Wouldn't help me if I was tied to train tracks. Whatever I have to do, I just take it one step at a time and try to figure it out. No better feeling than getting it done without help or surprising yourself.

That's the thing though: I am too busy to devote time to doing all of this on my own without somebody to guide me.

I am a full time college student, a part time employee, I am about to have my own corporation later this month (regardless if I go black hat or not I still will have the added responsibility of building and managing a business) which leaves me precious limited time to devote to self improvement.

So I need to prioritize: what is more important? Business knowledge, social skills, tech knowledge, dieting and exercise, learning how to connect with people, ETC. I also need to keep time reserved for my hobbies too because if I don't do that, my mental health would be a lot worse off since I would go crazy dealing with all of this responsibility.

The most logical solution that I can think of is to get help with some of this. I'm not expecting somebody to do it for me or hold my hand, however, it isn't realistic for me to do everything completely by myself.

Besides, I was looking at therapists in my area and I found one that would be perfect for me because she is also a life coach who deals with a lot of entrepreneurs and creative thinkers. If I could get over my transportation issues and see her or somebody similar, that would be ideal for me. Somebody who thinks a lot like me would be better suited to help guide me.

I agree. I hope you can work out how to get to the therapist you want.

Are there mature students (25+) in any of your classes? Most people at that age are past teenage drama. You are into anime and gaming right? Is there a way you can meet others who are into those things?

There is nothing wrong with figuring out life later than others. Emotional development is unique to each of us.

Another poster mentioned social skills training. It does help, especially if you are willing to learn and want to understand emotions. The training tends to be more effective if you are able to practice the skills in the real world, especially in an environment where you are most comfortable in, since it will motivate you to practice them. For me it was in a clock repair/machine shop. Once you practiced and somewhat mastered the skills, you can try them out in other places such as coffee shops.

Tip: You must be real with yourself. No acting! People can detect that.

Well, in the mean time you can vent here and get some feed back. You have not had enough of that in your life, so at least you have some feed back here where some of the members can listen and encourage you and be supportive.
There ARE people that are nice that way.