Turning from "Good to Evil", please help

Please look at the following fictional character and their history to know what I've been going through
Deathwing | WoWWiki | FANDOM powered by Wikia
Malthael | Diablo Wiki | FANDOM powered by Wikia

Read about them to know.

I've been through a painful event I feel unsafe to describe

((((Hugs))))

I can see my face melting in the mirror.
Guys, I need HELP!
I'm really sorry, but no hugs will help in this. I keep refreshing my feed to see if someone replies to my OP.
I'm just so miserable I've come to be born in this world, under a crappy father and an ignorant mother, with no way out since I am so confused and uncertain about everything.
I will probably fail university and I hate psychotherapy because of my therapists. Don't get me started on Psychiatry.

I don't mean this in a way to devalue your post but I find it awesome that you compare yourself to Blizzard villains. I love the hell out of Blizzard games and one of the reasons why I play heroes of the storm so much (as time allows) is because I love playing as villains and just being evil and edgy and destroying the enemies in the most brutal ways possible. Hell, I even play as Malthaiel sometimes and I fantasize about being him IRL and killing everybody slowly and painfully and forcing their souls to be my slaves haha

Anyways with that being said, I haven't found a solution to this issue other than just not giving a damn about other people and focusing solely on myself, I am a selfish asshole a lot of the time, but caring about other people who just walk over you is just not logical or helpful.

Sorry that I can't be of more help.

P.S, I often want to be like Alarak which is the dude I have set as my profile on here. I want to be a super powerful funny badass conqueror that has his own planet full of followers that worship me like a god and would die to please me. I want to have my own death fleet to take over humanity and liberate people who have been through crap like we have and enslave everybody else. I fantasize about being Alarak and assassinating every powerful human on Earth and I fantasize about having my own death fleet with the mothership saying cool edgy sounding stuff like it does in SC2 with that badass sounding female voice like "flee before me" and "they shall die most painfully" as I tell it to kill everybody and nobody is strong enough to oppose me. Fantasizing about stuff like this always calms me down haha

Thanks for the reply Darkness, it helps.
I feel like Deathwing, because I feel I was with lots of potential for growth and life on Earth, but toxic people have damaged that view and made me question life, bringing me down to hatred. Although I can also say it kind of came from him, there was an "up and down" during and after I left therapy respectively.
I feel like Malthael because I'd see myself as a person of wisdom and peace, until I started pondering psychiatry for instance, or why other people are allowed to be **** when I am in judgement through therapy? Not fair. Not fair at all.

I'm sorry you're struggling so badly, Obsidian. Are you still doing therapy at the moment? I'd say keep trying, and not worry too much about "failing". It's your depression talking, and if you listen to it, it will be harder and harder to heal and improve.

I was full of hate before I finally left my H. I hated the person i was turning into & had experienced that feeling way too many times in my marriage over the 33 years.

Life changed after I finally left. Surrounded by loving & caring people & the live of God made a huge change in how i feel about my own life & others in my life. Finally for the first time in my life I feel relaxed & happy & able to care for others rather than feelung like i have to fight constantly & filled with anger.

Lits of things have gone into this change in me but its the first time i have been happy in the 64 years of my life starting aboutv10 years ago

That's good to hear eskie lover, and I'm sorry you've felt this way during marriage.
I always wanted to leave home and be independent. But I can't right now, I have studies to take care of and existential crises to take care of, too.
Mickey, yes, it's the depression talking, but the depression is anger over things which have hurt me and I never got myself to fight them. I really want to fight others for a change. Fight others who are hurtful

The first time I was in the osych hospital after my breakdown un 1994, I was told that depression was anger turned inward.

Interesting at that time I didnt get what was REALLY making me angry....so we all looked at the surface level reason of losing my engineering career. No one including myself realized my career was my escape from my bad marriage & without it I ended up with no escape & I ended up like a trapped animal in a bad situstion with no way out.

It was so clear 13 years later when I endedbup with a way out but the bad had become such a normal it was like the frog in a pot of water that ends up heating up to boiling without the frog even noticing it.

Sometimes the anger that is building up within us isnt that obvious but its there being turned inward & creating the depression we experience without the real understsnding ofvwhere it is actually coming from. Withiut good therapy that hekps uncover the hidden reason, we continue unknowingly just suffering depression without gettkng to the root of its source.

Something that seems so obvious once oncovered & analyzed but until then we continue to suffer

I grew up in an extremely dysfunctional house. The minute I turned 18, I left and over time got much better away from that circus. It was hard. I worked a full time job, a part time job and went to college at night but it was worth it. Ironically, I turned down a full scholarship at a university 4 hours away because I wanted to stay where I was. That was a mistake.

I agree with Mickey about giving the right therapist a chance. Keep venting here for support. I hope you start feeling better. I know you are having a tough time. I hear you and I want to lend my support.

Sorry I hugged but didn't reply. I wasn't sure where the link would lead me, and was going to come back and check it out when I was more prepared.

Really sorry you're feeling desperate. I'll keep checking this thread if you want to talk.

I truly believe that all people are good. But they turn evil because of a bad experience with someone else. This includes their parents.

It is sad to see good people turn evil. I always wondered why the human brain seems to never let go of the "bad."

Just based on the posts alone:

Yes, consistent and good therapy can help heal those deep childhood wounds that occur from a dysfunctional family.

It has taken me years to get past my own.. it's a constant process.... I am still healing and working on improvements, even at the age of 47. I keep finding myself in similar, dysfunctional romantic relationships as a result of my upbringing.

Thing is, in order to heal, I really think that forgiveness, compassion and understanding of wrongdoings is an important step for oneself. Our parents can sometimes have SEVERE limitations and SEVERE emotional and/ or mental health handicaps. Understanding those handicaps, AND having compassion for our caretakers for not being who we wanted or needed them to be is healing.... and an important step on the road to recovery.

My father was psychologically abusive towards me, he was overly critical of me and he never gave me the unconditional love and acceptance that I so wanted and deserved. So, what happened? I've ended up with similar types of men, repeatedly!

But I've forgiven my father for his limitations -- and I see it as just that. He grew up in an abusive and alcoholic home where dysfunction was abound. NOT to excuse his behavior, BUT I understand WHY and HOW my father came to be how he is. He's a psychiatrist even!!!

And my mom? I've forgiven her for not protecting and defending me more as a kid. She also was emotionally/psychologically abused by my father, to an extent. He would put her down in front of us frequently.

So, my point? Forgiveness, understanding and letting go of anger and/or rage from childhood wounds..... it helps to heal..... it's a process, and sometimes a lengthy one that takes time and therapy to work through. Anger is justified, but in the end, anger only harms oneself, really, and is a hindrance to personal happiness and well-being. And yes, if you have found a bad therapist, it is very helpful to keep shopping to find a good one. Therapy I found to be indispensable over the years.

(((((((hugs)))))))

I btw, have discovered something in therapy. I have chosen to move past the neglect and abuse, I endured from both my parents.

However, I told my therapist that I will not forgive. She said, instead of forgiving, release the feeling of anger and vengeance. That is what I have done. I still see my Father and he is incapable of feeling remorse. I am on limited contact.

Forgiveness is the ultimate higher state of being that is very hard to achieve for many of us who have been abused. But it is the ultimate release, at least as far as I have read, experienced and learned in my own life. Letting go of anger is a great step!

It is often hard for me to forgive people that don't own up to their behavior. It is just my "thing".

Unfortunately, people owning up to it is very rare. Don't let that keep you in the same place forever.

That is what I am trying to do with the limited contact.