[katheryn]

i have not posted many post lately what with whats been going on irl and with all thats been going on here at pc
hopefully both are starting to calm down

well those that now us will now of struggles other eldest daughter and aligations against my hubby her stepdad, well this part of it has been resolved, but still lots are going on

i havent seen daughter since new year when she arguing in car nearly made me loose concentration and have a accident i refuse to put myself in this postion any more i have never been on my ownher and on this occasion i had my two other daughters with me

do not forget daughter has her own problems , she is living in a hostel that does respite for adults with learning dificulties and at this time attends a day center for adults with disabilities and learning problems,

the hostel are great and so is social worker if i need to know anything all i need to do is ask, i do not need contact with center,

today we had some things to take care of in town as we were walking down from carpark (myself and hubby) two youngest had gone a head there were a group of adults from the center walking towards us

daughter was amongest these she just stood there screeming and crying and all the other women in group were fussing her

i sugested to hubby to go other way so as not to have contact with her
and i carried on towards them she carried on crying i explained she should go to bus like shes meant to
as they walked of the tutor in charge came around the corner and said now ?????????? we will not have that now

and it was all over

we carried on with our own errands but this has left a sort of ill feeling here as it looked like i choose daughter over hubby i didnt i thought doing what i did would lesson the impact

[bebop]

(((katheryn))) no words other than hugs hon. wishing I could help in some way.

[Perna]

You love them both. There is no "choice" involved. Anyone that insists you choose one or the other and tries to split your heart in that way is not being good to/for you!

[Zorah]

{{{{{{{{{{kathy}}}}}}}}}}

they tried to make us "choose" between the husband & the son
truly honey, it's not like that, you do your best for them both, we feel sure you do,
we agree with Perna, that anyone who is trying to split this into a choice is not doing any of you any good.

our son has turned on us in the supermarket, accusing us of
abusing him during his childhood. he is a delusional paranoid schizophrenic & the meds don't work for him. it can be very embarrassing.

is it your bad feeling or trm's ? it is important to work out who the feeling belongs to

it sounds like the daughter has good case workers & carers, so that is good, more than we could get for our son.

((((((((kathy))))))))))))
As always I think you were protecting both, Dec should and does prolly know you love him. And he would know i hope you sent him the other way to protect him....
Talk to him........
and do not be so hard on yourself, your a good mom and wife.....

[therealme]

(((((kath))))))
before i continue, i have to say this is how i felt yesterday, not today......

yesterday when you suggested i walked the other way, i felt like i was the one in the wrong..... like i was running away from something....
and when i heard her crying , it made me feel even worse,
when we got home i tried to keep my temper inside and not mention it but i found i couldnt, i was angry and embarressed by the way she acted and by you asking me to go the other way...........
i dont want this to cause any kind of tension at home , and im sorry if my reply has in any way upset you, that isnt my intention..
dec x0x

[sabby]

((((((((((( Kathy )))))))))))

So sorry you and hubby kids had to go through that little tantrum. I can only imagine how difficult it was for you and TRM.

I know that a mother's love knows no boundaries. And because of that, it is difficult at times to put your foot down when a child is acting out, especially when we know that child has developmental or emotional issues.

Regardless of what your daughter's illness is, bad behavior is just plain that, bad behavior! In my eyes, the fact that she reacted as she did when she saw you and TRM and then completely stopped her bad behavior when the tutor in charge came into the picture and told her to stop tells me that she has learned how to push your buttons, as well as learned that her behavior is unacceptable but pushes it with you.

Sometimes a little "tough love" is in order on your part. I don't think there is anything wrong with telling your daughter that her behaviors are unacceptable and that she needs to find a way of controlling them around you. She has obviously learned how to control situations by acting out. There would be nothing wrong with you walking away from her when she acts out saying to her "until you can learn to control your behavior around me, I will have to walk away from you". And then, do it! No amount of arguing will ever change your situation hon.....it only escalates things. Calmly stating that to your daughter then following up on it will show her that you are serious, and that her behavior directly affects your interaction with her. Good behavior begets good interaction, bad behavior begets no interaction and most importantly, no emotion on your part. Does that make sense??

Maybe she will never "get" what you are trying to teach her. But it might be worth the try. And regardless if she gets it or not....you have to take good care of yourself and the rest of your family too. I know it's so hard to come to those terms in your mind...it hurts like crazy. But maybe it is necessary for the good of the many instead of dancing around the good of the one? I hope I am not sounding heartless here. That is not what I am meaning at all. My heart does so ache for what you are all going through and I'm sending you love and understanding.

xoxoxo
sabby

[Zorah]

{{{{{Kathy}}}}} and {{{{{TRM}}}}}

sabby made good sense there

Can you & trm talk about this calmly ? Don't even try if you can't.

(((((trm))))) we know this sounds idiotic, but it would be good if you could learn not to take this personally, but to look on it as an attempt to manipulate kathy which has no connection to you & walk away from confrontation.

[therealme]

walk away from confrontation !!!!! its an idea........

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((( Kathy ))))))))))) and ((((((((((( Dec ))))))))))))

[Perna]

I would want to run away from someone screaming and carrying on, no one would have to ask me to go twice? :-) Even though she is your daughter, I think you're very brave, Kathy.

[sabby]

((((((((( TRM & Kathy ))))))))))

Sometimes the hardest thing to do is to walk away, showing no emotion, saying nothing at all. You see, with all that she knows, her best is that she knows how to push your buttons and she's looking for a response....even a bad response is better than no response, because that way it continues to be all about HER!

By walking away unemotionally, you are in a sense taking the wind right out of her sails you see? Now I should also tell you that when that happens, she will probably find other ways to get at you....other types of behavior. Please don't be pulled into them. Keep everything calm cool and collected. In that way, she will be the one who has to change her behaviors if she wants any attention at all (good attention I mean)


sabby

[katheryn]

thanks for all the replies its only recantly that the day center are starting to do the things that you sugest sabby but i have been doing these things most of her life shes 23 at the moment, i dont think she will ever change

just before all this kicked of i have refused to do things for her
one was to take her to youth club any more because of the way she played up when it was time to leave i threatend several times then i did it i said no more

and the night before we heard from social services she was at home with her sister while we were at friends now being its a wed and the day she recieved her money she expected me to take her shopping that night sometimes i would sometimes i wouldnt this paticular night i wasnt that good i had just driven home in that horrible rain were you got your wipers going and you still cant see much , and there was noway i was going out in it again to buy sweets and maybe a outfit
so i refused, next morning nothing was out of the ordanary untill we had the call about 5.30 she was not comming home because of a aligation

so she did the worst i did not play ball she would get her attention other ways

again thank you

this has again knocked me for six

(((((((kathy)))))))))))))))))
care for youself
none of this was your fault
Your daughter needs help . beyond what you can give
so sorry this is happening to you

[Zorah]

Yes, what muffy said :

((((((((((kathy))))))))))

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((( Kathy ))))))))))))
I agree with the wise sheep

[sabby]

((((((((((( Kathy ))))))))))

I had a dear friend here who had adopted two little girls 20+ years ago because she thought she could never had children. After a couple of years they discovered that these darling little girls were very sick with mental and emotional illness due to being alcohol syndrome babies.

One of the daughters who ended up with a lot of issues was very physically abusive towards my friend. My friend dealt with this for many years working her way through the system and trying to find help. The daughter tells horrible strories of abuse that my friend supposedly did to her...of course none of them were true. But oh, what she went through in the meantime until they found a home for her daughter to live in. To this day, there is some contact, but very little.

My friend had her heart ripped out numerous times through the years and to this day, her daughter still tries to pull the old button pushing with her, but my friend stands strong and makes her responsible for her words and actions, much to the dislike of the daughter.

What I'm trying to say is this hon.....don't let this child that you love bring you down to a point of feeling guilty, and questioning your abilities or doing what you feel is best for your family as a whole. It sounds like your daughter will probably never "get it" because of her illness. It is not her fault, nor is it YOUR fault. All you can do is stick to your guns and she will either have to change her behavior or not....it's up to her and those who assist her in everyday living. Maybe they will have some success in helping her learn better behavior.

Letting go of a child and seeing them suffering in illness is so difficult and my heart goes out to you sweety. Remember that you and your family have a right to live as happily as you can...and sometimes that means having to put limitations on contact with your daughter in order to accomplish what is best for the whole.


sabby

i very much agree with what ((((sabby)))))) said
(((((((((kathy))))))))))))

((((((((Kathy, Dec)))))))

It was a spur of the moment thing ... we all struggle in those situations....I think you did the right thing and you/re a fantastic mum and wife and Dec is so understanding, it was a difficult decision in such a short space of time..... I admire how you coped,,,,

sending my love...Kerry xx