[90mphINneutral]

I use to never think there was a such thing as a bad person, but now I believe differently. I am the bad person. I have been looking at my life lately and am not proud of what it has become. I use to think I never had a problem with anything, use to think I was perfect, but now I'm not so sure. For those who do not know me, I have been going through a rough timre lately. I am still trying to get over the abortion. I know many of you are pro life, but I felt I did the right thing at that time. I mean I didn't want that child having to live knowing he/she was the product of an afair between me and my therapist- whom I thought I could trust. He lost his job btw. I really think I need to get help... LEGIT help for my sex addiction. The only time I feel whole is when I am sleeping with a man, and the afterwards I feel empty again, usually because they leave me or I leave them. I am very commitment phobic. Now my mom thinks I have an alcohol problem, which I guess I'm still in "denial." I just feel like my life is one big fraud and for those of you who believe in a higher power, why did "God" allow things like this to happen to me? And for those of you who were in chat last night, I tried taking an overdose to end all of this chaos I call life, but the pills didn't do it for me. I just feel like such a horrible person. Seriously death is too good for me. I know all these feelings goes against the grain of narcissism, but this is how I feel now, whether it's narcissistic or not, I don't care anymore. I just want my life to be normal. Sorry for the long rant, I just need to do it. Thank you for reading.

[LMo]

((( 90mph ))) I hear you and you have my support. I am sorry you're hurting but I'm glad that you're ready for this. I had worried about you.

[nowheretorun]

hi 90mph

i also am glad you'll be getting trained help, i know it helped me very much... i have faith that soon you'll be looking on the bright side again ...

i felt a need to answer your question regarding Higher Power..

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for those of you who believe in a higher power, why did "God" allow things like this to happen to me?

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I believe God has a great gift for you... the first, was the lkife you have.. but there is more.... the trials youve had are hard to endure..

i share that with you....

i believe God has been preparing you to recieve yet more gifts...

i believe that at times, i couldnt have seen the beauty if not for the stormy weather...

i see how you would question... ive done plenty myself.... all i can say, is faith has pulled me thru....

sending prayers and kind wishes....

[curley]

I am sorry your T was able to be persuaded or whatever words you want to use. I would hope any T should be strong enough not to go for it with a patient. Obviously that relationship was not a good thing for either of you. I am pro choice. I know many people mouths fall open when I say that. Everyone has their opinion on the subject. But that is one reason I believe in it. It is our body and why should anyone make that choice. I dont beleive in using abortion for birth control and I would hope a woman making that choice would do it within the first month or two. But as far as I am concerned you made the right choice. Please dont let anyone make you feel worse for your choice. I really hope you are able to find a good T to help you with your addiction. You are not a bad person! Obviously you have not chosen to have a sex addiction, or any other addiction. And as I know from experience, any addiction will take work if you want to stay in recovery. Maybe working on the alcohol addiction will also help with your other problems. I am glad you are willing to work on it. But please dont put yourself down. Those feelings are probably the same ones that keep you running back to old ways. Good Luck to you 90!!!

[(JD)]

((((90)))) I never considered you to be a bad person. Struggling terribly with mental unwellness, yes, but not bad.

I will send you links for sites for those who have had an abortion and are not sure they made the right decision. We all do the best we can at the time of any decision making like that.

Narcissism is another of the really tough disorders, and it will be harder now that you won't be able to fully trust a T, as you need to be able to. I hope the other T lost more than his job! What he took from you, what he caused, is unspeakable for me.

Since this path is difficult, if you can trust us at PC, then do share along the way, and help us guide you. Using a general concensus of members you have known here for a long time might not be such a bad way to think.

The path is a long one, but it appears you are taking a good one now... best wishes.