not ready for therapy?

I'm still having a hard time talking with my T.

I emailed her all my complains and doubts about the process, she read it but said it will have "no value till I don't say it or read it out loud to her". This sucks cause if I was able to talk these things with her I would...but I can't.

But now she knows how I feel and still doesn't say anything about it

I feel I'm getting nowhere. It's just the same story that with my last 2 therapists...so I guess it's me...but can't bring myself to get the courage to talk things out.

Could it be that some of us are just no able/ready to be in therapy?

Annie's Mind, that's harsh to hear that "no value" phrase. I'm so sorry. I wonder what "value" telling you your letter had "no value" served to your T? Maybe she thinks she can force you to trust her?

With my T, there were things I could not talk about at first, and we just had to work on building trust by talking about things not so difficult. You know, get to know each other, trust him with small things and see he handled them well, did prove trustworthy, etc. Then I could gradually trust him with some of the "biggies." I see our early sessions as kind of like going through boot camp together, to get to a place where we can work together with trust and understanding. I remember once when I was having difficulty telling him something, he said "I respect your ambivalence about telling me" and that made me feel it was OK and even "normal" to have that kind of trouble in therapy. It helped me in later situations with him to move forward and share. Another time he asked me "what can I do to make it safer for you here?" And I thought of some things. Just his concern to make it a safe place for me made me trust him more. If he had read an e-mail I wrote and told me it had "no value", our relationship might have been irrevocably harmed. But, maybe that's just me--I have issues with stuff like that.

You asked, "Could it be that some of us are just no able/ready to be in therapy?" I think that is a great question to discuss with your T. Maybe that would be less difficult to discuss than something more personal. I know my first counselor always told me that if she didn't think I should be there with her, she would tell me, and that provided some reassurance I wasn't wasting her and my time. Maybe now that you have written her the email, you could even open the conversation with "I'd like to discuss that email"--that's easier to say than actually naming all the issues. And then maybe add, "it's hard for me, can you help?"

((((((hugs))))))

sunny

Hello Annie's mind,

Therapy can be frustrating and hard work.

Sounds to me like you are making progress actually although it may not feel like it.

Carry on writing things down, some things for you to think about and write things down that you feel you would like to share with your T.

Keep going with the therapy if you can (if that is what you want) and let your T know if things are moving to fast.

Take care.

> I emailed her all my complains and doubts about the process, she read it but said it will have "no value till I don't say it or read it out loud to her".

I would have walked out right then. If my best efforts aren't good enough for her then she isn't a good enough t for me. But then I do have a tendency to run... I figure that I've heard enough crap in my life to pay someone to hear still more of it, however.

> This sucks cause if I was able to talk these things with her I would...but I can't.

No %#@&#!.

> It's just the same story that with my last 2 therapists...so I guess it's me...but can't bring myself to get the courage to talk things out.

It doesn't mean that you aren't ready for therapy. Giving them stuff on paper can be really very hard. But you wrote it down. You gave it to them.

Sometimes people need to see around 9 or 10 therapists before they find someone they can click with.

Could you phone up some others and go and meet with them? You could treat it as your interviewing them to see whether they are right for you. You could ask them about how they feel about being given stuff on paper. In fact... I don't see why you couldn't write your questions down and give them to them and see how they go ;-)

You go to therapy. You write stuff down which shows you think about therapy outside therapy. You give stuff to your t as a gesture that you are really trying hard to talk about stuff that is hard for you.

I would have felt like t just threw that back in my face.

But then...

I have a tendency to run...

okay so that was my reaction... and now here is my response.

what sorts of things are you giving them? more in particular, about how long is it and do you give it to them before during or after a session? do you give them stuff that you want to work on in sessions? i mean... are you telling them stuff that is important to you that you would like to be able to talk to them about? is that the idea?

sometimes therapists don't like to read stuff that you give them in sessions. that might be because they are a slow reader (or something) and they feel uncomfortable reading when you are sitting there waiting for them to finish. if that is the situation then i guess they could read it out of session time. but there the problem can be around how much time it takes for them to read it. if it is five minutes or the occasional ten minutes then you would think they could be accomodating... if it takes them an hour or something like that then i guess they might not have the time to do that. i guess some arrangement could be made so they bill you for another session... all that is by way of trying to understand where the therapist is coming from.

if you are giving them stuff that you want to be able to talk to them about then... well... what happens after they have read it? do they ask you questions about it and stuff? how does that go?

i'm wondering whether it might be that they read it and then try and talk to you about it and then they try and talk to you about it and they don't think that you do want to talk to them about it. that could be for a couple of reasons. one might be that they aren't responding to your risk (by giving them stuff that is hard) in a way that facilitates your doing that. i.e. your therapist not appreciating just how big a risk it is to disclose stuff AT ALL doesn't really matter what the medium is. sometimes that can lead to stalemate where the t starts to wonder why you give them stuff when you don't appear willing to talk about it. sometimes t needs to look at their role...

but that being said i think it is good that you are trying to look at your role too... but... it is important not to get self-depreciatory etc etc.

can you tell us some more?

(((safe hug)))

Did you keep a copy of what you gave your T?

I would suggest that you try to cover verbally each thing. Not all at once though.

I would think that if the subject was begun with the T by saying something like, "I want to try and talk about xxxx from what was written, can you help?" that would be a good thing, and let the T help you.

Right now the T may know, yes, but the T knows lots of things...yet the therapy process is what YOU bring and share and work on. The T might even have some solutions all ready for you... but can't just give them to you, because it IS a process.

The T is there only to help you. The T has no "personal" gain to get from helping you...the T has given her/his life to helping ppl just like you... and you have to trust that T knows how to do that...

Give it a try. Do your best. The T will go as slowly as you need to, I bet

Hey...I'm back to write some more...at least you guys don't say it has no value!!

Maybe it came out like it was something really harsh she did...but if you REALLY ask me it wasn't that bad. I mean, those were her actual words, but the thing is that I usually spend must of my sessions mute and the write all of this stuff and send it to her.

I think what she meant was something more like "ok I've read it, but if you have to bring it up and be able to talk about it or at lease read it"...

She is very "tough" sometimes...cause she knows I don't work if not...and also that I have a history of manipulating my t's and getting no work done at all.

With my last t, we sort of got into an "the unspokable" where I will write things down and hand it to her but told her not to talk about it because I couldn't handle it. So basically we both knew what was going on but never talked about it out loud --I had lots of transference issues w/ my previous..

Anyways...I still have this feeling of not being ready for therapy. Like..I'm gonna see her this week...and I'm really looking forward to that..but I know I will show up and be silent and defiant...not on purpose...it just comes out that way.

Any thoughts?

sounds like online therapy might just be for you ;-)

hey alexandra!! ((((((hugs)))))) thanks so much for your support...always...

I did online therapy before....It's really not for someone like me...I liked it though much easier

but I ended really messed up...hospitalized... :S

discuss the defiancy?

It's going to be ok! Just take things at your own pace. Sometimes taking a break can help or even just letting a little out at a time will help. Just give yourself little goals to work towards and just make them happen. It's all going to be ok. I never talked with my therapist until recently and I had to take a month vacation from therapy to do it. That and before my break I worked a little harder each time I met with her. You can do this! Have faith in yourself! Hang in there!

More hugs for ((((((Annie))))))

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
I usually spend must of my sessions mute and the write all of this stuff and send it to her

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">Maybe she is trying to move you to at least dip your big toe into a different form of communication: verbal. Maybe she thinks you've really done well on the written, which it seems like you do a lot with her, and that you are ready for the next step. Are you able to talk about any topics with her, like the weather? I'm not joking when I say that, really. Maybe just start talking about any old thing that is non-threatening, so as to get the mouth working.

Annie, I'm also curious, if you are pretty much mute during your sessions, does your T talk? I think a lot of T's would not talk either if the client won't, and the two of you would sit there silent for an hour.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
I'm gonna see her this week...and I'm really looking forward to that

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">That's good. To me, that means you are definitely ready for therapy.

I couldn't talk to the first therapist I had. After a while I discovered writing and so I'd write things and give them to her. But I couldn't ever really talk to her. She did a lot of cognitive restructuring, though. I didn't really understand the process stuff of what she was trying to do either. She would need to take the direction or we really would just sit there in silence.

What snapped me out of it?

I guess I'm still not fully snapped out of it. I talked more to my next therapist though. Structure was provided because of DBT. But yeah, I'd find it hard to talk to her.

In fact... I still find it hard to talk. Now. Years down the track. When i was little I didn't have anybody to talk about my thoughts and feelings to. Just verbalising them (by writing) was a huge step for me. Actually talking about them in session... Well... I'm still working on that.

I've figured what to do about my therapy situation. Send him a snail mail letter saying that I don't feel comfortable about using his personal email address. That it feels like a boundary encroachment and it is important to me (with respect to safety) that we maintain good boundaries. And tell him... That part of me felt really hurt about his going away. And that I feel ashamed / embarrassed about that vulnerability and I don't think I can express that in session. And so it occurred to me to not go to our next session so he would know I was not happy about his time off without my having to go through the pain of actually feeling the hurt.

Just let him know that much.

What good will come of it? Who knows. If he tries to bring it up in session what will I do? Change the topic, of course.

I don't know... Maybe your therapist is trying to get you refocusing from the deep stuff that it is too hard for you to talk about in session to some lighter more day to day stuff. Focusing on the daily stuff for a time can help you talk to each other. Can give you a chance to take little tiny risks and build some confidence and trust in her. Over time... Maybe it will be easier to talk about some of the harder stuff.

Maybe... That would be the best plan of action?

Hello Annie's mind,

Maybe you could just write one or two words down, instead of writing it all down.

A bit like a prompt card, this will then get you used to talking about things rather than writing everything down.

I think your T probably realises the difficulty you have and is actually pushing on to try and help you.

The fact that you are looking forward to your next session is a good sign.

Take care.

Annie's, I had similar problems where I kept trying to bring in books and get my T to read paragraphs that made me feel a certain way. Mine meant "no value" not in what I was saying but the way I was "saying" it in that I wasn't saying it at all. There's no emotion/"us" in the written words, they're just words on a piece of paper and could be true, false, fiction, etc., we don't have to "invest" ourselves in them or take any risks. If we want something from another person (other than a bank teller we're robbing :-) we have to ask them for it. No fair we write and be "safe" and the other person has to comment to us in person, risking themselves when we don't risk ourselves and we're the ones wanting something.

Take the e-mail you wrote her and read her one sentence per session :-) and then the two of you discuss just that one sentence?

Hey guys thanks so much for your answers and support.

I went to therapy and blew it. My t said that I had to read or talk cause if not we couldn't work. And I just coudn't do it. She told me to come back later and read it, or just call her whenever I was ready to do it.

She said we had agreed that I will do that -which is true- and that we couldn't work this way.

I insisted that I just couldn't do it. She said she was positive I could.

Anyways, went home and emailed her, saying I wasn't able to go back cause I just couldn't read out loud or talk. I also told her I felt very upset with myself for failing therapy once again, and that I knew it was my fault, but I couldn't get myself to do things in a different way.

Well, I sort of let her know this was good-bye...that I wouldn't be going back.

She hasn't answered me yet.
I really hope she doesn't take my words seriously...cause I really want to go back. And keep trying.

Annie please copy what you just wrote and send it to your t. Perhaps it will help you bridge the gap.

Hugs,

Jan

I feel I'm about to explode.
I can't believe I blew it so bad. I can't believe I don't have treatment anymore.

My t didn't answer my email, and probably she won't until next week.

Anyways, even if I could continue with her...I don't want every session to be like an ultimatum of wether ir not I am worthy of her time and treatment.

But...she is such a competent t...and it's hard to find that. I really need her. But I need her support, not her pushing me to something I don't feel ready for.

I bet she has no idea how much this is affecting me.

She's just tired of me. Just like all my previous ts and pdoc...I make them all tired. I push them away. I don't mean to. But the worst of me comes up in the sessions. It looks as if I don't care, as if I'm not commited to working to get better, but that's not true...it's just the fear and the pain

hey.

> even if I could continue with her...I don't want every session to be like an ultimatum of wether ir not I am worthy of her time and treatment.

yeah.

> I really need her. But I need her support, not her pushing me to something I don't feel ready for.

oh yes indeed.

> She's just tired of me. Just like all my previous ts and pdoc...I make them all tired. I push them away. I don't mean to. But the worst of me comes up in the sessions. It looks as if I don't care, as if I'm not commited to working to get better, but that's not true...it's just the fear and the pain

yeah, i hear you on that too.

sounds like she is pushing you pretty hard on this... i guess i don't really understand why you guys can't work something out. communicate by email or writing or something like that instead. sounds like you need some time to build up feeling safe and secure and having some trust.

i want to suggest writing because i don't know how the hell people manage to sort out things like this ftf.

to... tell her how you feel.
like... this whole thread maybe?

to tell her that you do want to work with her and you do like her but that she is pushing you too hard. maybe there can be some kind of comprimise? if not... it might be time to look at finding a t who will comprimise.

i'm sorry things are so hard for you right now.