Controlling Our Thoughts - How?

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But why did the severe depression and vile anxiety continue - worsen - with each successive autumn for 12 years?

Two thoughts - 1) were all/most of the losses in the fall? It could be old stuff is trying to bubble to the surface. I had something like that happen several years running after a series of losses.
2) could you have developed SAD since this comes on in the fall?

And I’ll add the 3rd possibility that may be in combination to the first two, each fall was a reminder, an anniversary so to speak of the original depressive episode. All the things you mentioned were a lot, piled on at the same time, overwhelming for anyone.

Good point Trisha!

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Originally Posted by lizardlady Two thoughts - 1) were all/most of the losses in the fall? It could be old stuff is trying to bubble to the surface. I had something like that happen several years running after a series of losses. 2) could you have developed SAD since this comes on in the fall?

Odd. Get this. Every one of the losses were in the most glorious days of spring. Soft blue skies, flowers and trees in full bloom, weather a dream...tea party days.
Late February (spring, here), March, April, May. Go figure.

SAD - it has to be. And doesn't that involve the pineal gland? I hate, hate these long, long nights - they feel like 3 nights seamlessly stitched together.

Eleven years ago I was in Paris and in Dublin in February. In both places (especially in Dublin), darkness fell early, by about 4 p.m. It didn't bother me, I didn't feel depressed, at all. But maybe the contrast wasn't as stark: the sun in those places wasn't a Mediterranean sun to begin with, as it is here.

btw, I have done my faithful duty with a therapy light, to no avail. The only result was a headache. I have, however, considered going "against the rules" and using the therapy light box to light up my living room, instead of staring right at the thing. My pdoc's concern is that it will cause mania. HA. Mania in December? Now, that would be one for the books

Maybe it’s due to the holidays approaching, so many have a very hard time and that’s the busiest time of year for therapists.

It doesn’t have to be connected to the loss of a loved one, or several losses but the time of year we gathered and connected which is the holidays.

I hate the long dark nights too, it was dark at 4pm today.

Idk if it’s relevant but personally I found in my mid life I had time to stop and think (too much!) for first time in years because before I was so involved in parenting.

Beth, I never heard of looking at the light for SAD. When I started having a problem with SAD I got a "sunlight" lamp. I used it like a regular lamp. It helped. My pdoc warned me to only use it 15-20 minutes a day to avoid messing up my sleep cycle.

Have you talked to your pdoc about the change in your thoughts?

I've never been good at controlling my thoughts.

SP Religion
I have no idea how to do that. I have no thoughts. No one believes me. They say I am just thinking too fast. Maybe but it doesn't feel like racing thoughts to me. It feels like the thought is trudging up some snowy hill, eventually gets to the door and then pops out of my head.

I have Schizoaffective Disorder. I didn't always have this problem with thoughts. I think it's the meds. It also leads me to paranoia about my thoughts being "taken away." I can very easily meditate and get to that zen state because no thoughts are bothering me. Occasionally my voices start bothering me. But that's a different post altogether. I know the medicine can cause problems like I am having with my thoughts. I don't know if this helps you at all but just thought I would put my experience out there.

HUGS if wanted, Kit

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Originally Posted by Open Eyes Maybe it’s due to the holidays approaching, so many have a very hard time and that’s the busiest time of year for therapists. It doesn’t have to be connected to the loss of a loved one, or several losses but the time of year we gathered and connected which is the holidays.

Yes, yes, yes!!!! And my birthday in late December, too - then my husband's and sister's birthdays following right along in January. We're all getting older, especially the two of them. Potentially more losses for me, and now my sister (she's 18 years my senior) has dementia. Excellent observation, OE. Thank you.

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Originally Posted by Discombobulated I hate the long dark nights too, it was dark at 4pm today. Idk if it’s relevant but personally I found in my mid life I had time to stop and think (too much!) for first time in years because before I was so involved in parenting.

It is extremely relevant. Another startlingly wise observation. Prior to 2015 I was far too busy to stop and think very much- or, rather I did think, but I was almost never alone, so my thoughts were constantly interrupted. What a blessing, to have one's thoughts interrupted. I didn't know how lucky I was!

It's dark here at 5, which is difficult enough. 4 is just plain mean

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Originally Posted by lizardlady Beth, I never heard of looking at the light for SAD. When I started having a problem with SAD I got a "sunlight" lamp. I used it like a regular lamp. It helped. My pdoc warned me to only use it 15-20 minutes a day to avoid messing up my sleep cycle. Have you talked to your pdoc about the change in your thoughts?

Hi liz, the light the pdoc told me to use is a square box-type thing with a stand, reminds me of the make-up mirror my much older sisters used when I was a little girl, except it's a light. It has 3 settings. I'm supposed to sit in front of it, the light about 1 foot from my face. 5 minutes, no more because they're concerned I'll get manic/mess up my sleep cycle/both.

I've talked with my therapist about the changes in my thoughts. For whatever reason, it's easier for me to describe how I feel here.

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Originally Posted by SlumberKitty I've never been good at controlling my thoughts. SP Religion Possible trigger: We are taught in my religion to take every thought captive I have no idea how to do that. I have no thoughts. No one believes me. They say I am just thinking too fast. Maybe but it doesn't feel like racing thoughts to me. It feels like the thought is trudging up some snowy hill, eventually gets to the door and then pops out of my head. I have Schizoaffective Disorder. I didn't always have this problem with thoughts. I think it's the meds. It also leads me to paranoia about my thoughts being "taken away." I can very easily meditate and get to that zen state because no thoughts are bothering me. Occasionally my voices start bothering me. But that's a different post altogether. I know the medicine can cause problems like I am having with my thoughts. I don't know if this helps you at all but just thought I would put my experience out there. HUGS if wanted, Kit

HUGS to you, too, Kit It's good to see you, been a while.

Thanks for your post. It's intriguing to me. I don't understand what it means to "take every thought captive," either.

The way you describe your thought process sounds to me like an excellent description of what may be your brain processing thoughts while on medication. Your description sounds very familiar to me. So does the way you can easily meditate and get to that Zen state. Medication allows for some interesting short-cuts. I used to see those short-cuts as problems, but you know what? I'm starting to see them as advantages. Altered mind states can be very special things if used well.

If you want to talk about your voices on this thread, go for it. I didn't post any rules when I started the thread Hearing voices are one aspect of our thought process, after all.

SZA is a thought disorder. So you may want to take what I say with a grain of salt.
1. Mood disorders evolve when I was originally diagnosed it was mood disorder nos, personality disorder nos, and eating disorder nos. Every 6 months or so I would get reevaluated. In that 20+ years it became evident that I in fact had SzA. So make sure you're doing rediognosis tests at least every couple of years.

2. I can't say enough about full spectrum light bulbs. They cost more they're in every light in my former house. And it's the same as having your whole house be a light box.

3. I can't control my thoughts but I can accept them. Okay I think x what is the best plan to deal with x. Okay I have a plan for that. Next thought. One plan. It may sound cold but I have a plan for every delusion I have thought.

4. Anxiety maybe paranoid or delusional thoughts. That's why it's integral to talk to your team about how far down these rabbit holes you go.

5. Have you ever made a mood/event/thought chart for like 2 weeks to show you and your team how bad you're effected.

6. Do you have emergency medicine for when your thoughts get debilitating?

Another major major thing that helps me manage my thoughts (not sure if this was mentioned yet) but is journaling. When I'm manic I can easily reach 20 pages in a day, and that helps me get my thoughts out while also keeping me from doing something reckless (if I choose to do it, that is).

I guess this site could be kinda like journaling, but with journaling you can be even more open and not have to worry about proper wording and being understood.

I'm looking at my DBT worksheets and I'm seeing a few things that might help from the Mindfulness module. Like just looking at the facts. Distancing yourself from emotions (i.e. "it appears x is making me experience anger" rather than "I'm angry"). And avoiding judging your thoughts. If you find yourself judging your thoughts, don't judge the judging! I'd write more but Saco just laid down on my papers and is belly up so I don't want to disturb him

I have a "thought disorder" (Sza) as well, and find APs (in my case Haldol) help manage my thoughts so much better than any other type of med. I don't have any racing thoughts or bizarre thoughts anymore and that makes a huge difference.

Hey, hey @Miguel'smom!Good to see you and thanks for stopping by with so much excellent experience to share.

I'm curious- did any pdoc ever caution you about having full spectrum bulbs on most of the time? They've always been so DON'T DO IT to me, and I don't agree with them. I've been lazy about it, but it's seems to me that because I'm used to the very bright, high sun and don't tend to get depressed when that sun is present, doesn't it make sense to have my room lit like that sun?

I am comfortable with your "accept and plan" strategy. That feels practical to me. It's not amorphous, it doesn't require a huge amount of study, work, practice, which can be draining during a crisis. For those of us with major MI, we need a tight, solid, basic go-to plan that works now.

One of the most helpful steps I've ever taken was to keep a mood chart. I was so resistant, thinking it would be a total waste of time. No. The mood chart surprised me by showing me how I was feeling when I didn't realize how I was feeling. That helped determine meds and doses needed. A game changer.

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Originally Posted by MuddyBoots Another major major thing that helps me manage my thoughts (not sure if this was mentioned yet) but is journaling. When I'm manic I can easily reach 20 pages in a day, and that helps me get my thoughts out while also keeping me from doing something reckless (if I choose to do it, that is). I guess this site could be kinda like journaling, but with journaling you can be even more open and not have to worry about proper wording and being understood. I'm looking at my DBT worksheets and I'm seeing a few things that might help from the Mindfulness module. Like just looking at the facts. Distancing yourself from emotions (i.e. "it appears x is making me experience anger" rather than "I'm angry"). And avoiding judging your thoughts. If you find yourself judging your thoughts, don't judge the judging! I'd write more but Saco just laid down on my papers and is belly up so I don't want to disturb him I have a "thought disorder" (Sza) as well, and find APs (in my case Haldol) help manage my thoughts so much better than any other type of med. I don't have any racing thoughts or bizarre thoughts anymore and that makes a huge difference.

Thanks, Boots. I'm having an instinctual feeling that for myself, I need to be mentally stable before I can venture onto the higher planes of thought management, such as mindfulness meditation. Actually, it may be that those practices could have the potential of being risky when one is not in a safe place mentally and emotionally.

I think it is great that you journal and I so want to do it. In fact, I have a lovely, big, blank journal on a book shelf just a few feet to my left. Quality paper; I purposely chose it for that. And I've written one page. Yet I write a ton here. I don't know why I have such a difficult time with journaling. It feels so lonely to me, for one thing. I love relationship and interaction.

I am, however, after the overwhelming (in terms of our book business) work of the holiday season is over going to serious look into DBT. Then I will be using my blank book.

I've been using mindfulness for a long time. I have schizoaffective disorder bipolar type, and an anxiety and panic disorder. My thoughts used to be kind of "out of control" as in they would come so fast and rapidly and be constant ruminations over my anxieties and stuff I was worried or stressed about. Now I meditate regularly, do yoga and other exercises (I find exercise helps me feel calm afterward and have less upsetting thoughts, something about the endorphins I guess) I also journal a lot.

I find regular daily activities to work mindfulness into too like doing the dishes mindfully, eating mindfully. Focusing fully on the present moment,

Then there's a common meditation where you let your thoughts come then let them pass, you don't hold onto them, just keep letting them come, acknowledging them then letting them go which I've found helpful

Basically what I'm trying to say is mindfulness and meditation has helped me a lot

Actually my first therapist suggested the full spectum lights when They thought I had SAD. This Is what I used with my WV therapist. for mood charting I use emoods on my phone for mood charting.

Hi there @Blue_Bird

Birdie, I'm so happy to hear that meditation works well for you, also yoga, other exercises, and journaling. You are truly a mindfulness success story. It all must bring you peace, and security

Have you ever had especially strong (frightening/ paranoid/delusional/etc.) intrusive thoughts while meditating and, if so, are they off-putting enough to interfere with your meditation or do you 'just notice' and continue meditating?

Well I’m doing well on my meds so not as frequently. But when I do I notice them and continue meditating. It takes a lot of practice but I’ve gotten to the point where I’m able to observe thoughts objectively and then let them go even if they’re paranoid or intrusive or disturbing

Sometimes when my mental health is bad though I don’t meditate just because I can’t calm myself down enough to do it. But lately it’s been a lot easier to do it.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

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Originally Posted by Blue_Bird Well I’m doing well on my meds so not as frequently. But when I do I notice them and continue meditating. It takes a lot of practice but I’ve gotten to the point where I’m able to observe thoughts objectively and then let them go even if they’re paranoid or intrusive or disturbing Sometimes when my mental health is bad though I don’t meditate just because I can’t calm myself down enough to do it. But lately it’s been a lot easier to do it.

That is awesome Birdie! I think you really are the Bluebird of Happiness. Not many people who have a MI could pull off what you've accomplished.

Neither have I. My mind does what it wants to do. (And I thought that the speed of my mind was an asset in college but I was mistaken. It was a detriment.)

@lizardlady, I have one of those lamps, too.......I think it helps, especially during winter.

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Originally Posted by steelmagnolia65 @lizardlady, I have one of those lamps, too.......I think it helps, especially during winter.

They help so many people.