I can't relate to anyone

It doesn't seem to matter what I do. Seems like others were presented with the rules or guidelines on how to navigate themselves through this life, but I was never told anything. It always feels like people share this one big inside joke that I'm not aware of, and will never be able to understand anyway. And if they were to explain it to me, they'd become annoyed with my awkwardness and difficulties. They'd make it clear that I was never welcomed in the first place.

Last year was when it really hit me just how disconnected I am from others, and from society's entire system. After years of living a shut-in lifestyle, I tried 'getting my life together' and did everything that I was told to do. I mostly felt like I had to do it to prove that I wasn't a loser. Like I had this fantasy for proving others wrong. Instead I fell further back, and it was humiliating. Every single plan failed, from finding a small job to plans on learning skills in order to find a better job later in life. Rejected and told I lacked the skills or the necessary requirements. Dead ends no matter which way I turned to. I was still looked at as an embarrassment.

I turned 31 this year and most people don't imagine someone like me when they think of a woman in her 30s. I'm still too withdrawn and nervous. I struggle with eye contact and the last time I had friends was when I was 12 years old. Shyness seems to be tolerated less and less as you grow older. I also struggle to relate to other people, which seems to be an issue to bring up. The only reason I mention this is because it seems to be a trend online to mock women who find it hard to relate to other women. Despite my interests always being quite feminine, I still am seen as too 'other' because of my personality and my ugly appearance. I also feel like I'm too immature. Most people my age, men or women, are independent and have some path in life. Not hiding from the world and constantly relying on fiction as a form of escapism.

Still, I can't bring myself to care anymore. What's funny is that focusing on my own interests, and finding comfort in this solitude, has helped me a lot more than any of the advice I was given from therapists or doctors. I focus on my hobbies and I've been trying to stay healthy. Is this wrong? I was always made to feel wrong for preferring to remain a recluse. I guess I just stopped caring after being treated like I was inadequate for so long.

Mémoires d'une jeune fille rangée
de Simone de Beauvoir

You couldnt have a better role model!

Interesting cause I was brought up with parents who were clueless on teaching me how to navigate a world they had no idea how to navigate either. They had no friends, my dad worked & my mom didn't drive so I could never do after school activities with other kids....HOWEVER I had determination to be nothing like them. Great role models for what I didn't want to be like. I excelled in school, I competed in school in the activities I could be involved in. My parents tried to persuade me not to go to college so I was more determined than ever to get my degree & have a career.

In reality, the choices we make are our own & we cannot deny that some of our own mental health conditions go into making those choices.

I got married at 21 thinking that an educated guy would be nothing like my dad....turns out, I was wrong. He had more normal parents than I thought I had, but in reality he made choices that would have fit more like coming from my own parents. While married, I pretty much did my own thing & the only friends we had were from people I knew.

I left him after 33 years of not getting along. I have been alone the last 18 years but life is easier now & I am involved in my new community as much as time allows having my own 10 acre farm I take care of by myself. I actually get along better with people now than when I was married cause then I seemed to be fighting everything in my life. Now I have peace & have learned to react to people in a more normal way than I ever learned from my parents or in my marriage. I also know looking back that both my parents had mental health issues & so did my husband & I ended up having serious mental health issues before I left. I always rememember after I left how my soulmate doggie actually taught me what love really felt like after all those years of wondering if there wasn't so much more to relationships than I had ever experienced.....& my ability to have better relationships with other people that weren't superficial like I had been around all my life started to grow too. I still love my alone tine but I love being with others now too. I always got along well in school & in my career but never had close friendships like I have now that I live in a small rural farming community

@unaluna Thank you for the recommendation. I never read anything by Simone de Beauvoir (I really need to start reading more), but I googled her work. Always interesting to hear about people who went against societal norms.

@eskielover It's good that you chose to pursue your goals. Glad you managed to find happiness later on. Being around nature and animals always helps. I had a childhood friend whose family lived on a farm. They mainly took care of horses.

My existence is pathetic and I know it. Being unemployed for the majority of my life made me even more of an outcast. No skills, no future. Nothing. At this point, I don't even think my problems can be fixed. Searching for solutions only made my life worse. I have been watching videos about people in Japan who are described as hikikomori. People who isolate themselves after facing difficulties with anxiety, depression etc. I even struggle to fully relate to them, but I live a similar life. I only go outside to purchase groceries. I try to help my mom as much as I can, mainly at home. Other than that, I don't do much. I feel guilty for not being able to help my mom out more.

I had to go outside again today. Looking at my face in the mirror makes me angry. I try not to think about how ugly I am when I'm outside. I know what people think of me since I was constantly called ugly ever since I was a child. My appearance still bothers me, but I know that nothing can be done to fix it. Even losing all of that weight didn't help. Sometimes I'll wear one of those covid face masks, but that gets me a few stares. It's even worse now that it's hot outside. People are everywhere, throwing their trash all over the place. Loud children running on and off the sidewalks. I can't stand it. Every time I make it back home, I'm finally back in my comfort zone. Then reality hits me all over again, reminding me that my life is a complete joke.

I can relate well since our situation is similar. Our age is close. I also have problem with job and guilty towards our parents, although our cases are a bit different. Our struggles with shyness, recluse hikkikomori behavior, and feeling of failure. Unfortunately I don’t have any suggestions nor answers. All I do now is trying to survive rather than enjoying life.

@badut I'm sorry that you're also going through something similar. You're right, it's all about survival. I have no idea what I'm doing. Not a clue. It all seems to be even more difficult these days. Life just feels empty. Hopefully you'll be able to find some joy in life real soon.

Over there, and in other Asian cultures, mental health is stigmatized, more so than it is here. I think that sucks, because our health isn't just physical, it's MENTAL too. Mental health care isn't a priority in the US, even during Covid lockdowns. They just talked about the physical, such as wearing a mask, washing your hands, staying home, etc. But nothing about coping with staying home, esp. if alone. Keeping busy doesn't work for everyone, and everyone doesn't work at home! The government was so presumptuous and still is.

I had an acquaintance who is happy being a loner. She once did all the things she was "supposed" to do, like meet people, get married, have kids, etc. But it didn't make her happy and it's not her. Except for her kids, none of it worked out for her.

There's pressure in our culture to conform, to be like everyone else. I feel like single people don't even exist, since the media constantly talks about families. And shows pictures of smiling couples and families. I can't even LOOK at the screen when that comes up. Is that what my life is supposed to look like? Well, it doesn't. And that doesn't break any laws.

If you're okay with what you're doing, and it doesn't harm anyone, why should anyone care?

There's always signs or ads, "Bring a friend" or "Bring your family and friends", they assume everyone has that or should, and all it does is exacerbate my loneliness. The guy above me who thankfully moved out always had guests. I could hear extra footsteps, and they would stay the night often for days. How can someone know that many people? The walls are very thin here and I can hear my neighbors talking and laughing.

Personally I'm not a loner and don't want to be, but if it works for you whose business is it? Nobody's! You're being you, that's better than trying to fit into some mold. There's nothing wrong with you, it's them. People suck.

@nonightowl You're right. I've heard several stories about just how terribly people with mental illnesses get treated throughout Asian countries, along with other places across the globe. I think in Western culture, mental health seems to be used for a lot of marketing these days. Band aid solutions and expensive health trends on social media. Like one big advertisement. I think this only got worse with social media. But many people seem more depressed these days. Just like you mentioned with covid. I think whenever there's a discussion on mental health, most people rarely get to the root of the problem.

And thank you so much for your response. You're right about the pressure to conform. This is one of the reasons why I left social media. It only created more anxiety, and I began feeling worse about myself. I also understand how you feel about your neighbors. I've got loud neighbors, too. It's horrible lol. I'm feeling somewhat better today. Hope you're doing well.

I like your member name, it reminds me of the fantasy books I read. I also know in Latin cultures, depression or anxiety is seen as a weakness. In the West, mental health seems to be about just "having a positive attitude." It's way over rated and makes saying/thinking ANYTHING "negative" something "wrong". I once made an acquaintance of a man who cut me off, saying, "No negativity, no negativity. Good vibes only". I was merely saying something about how the senior center can do some things better. And that's negative. Well, that conversation ended quickly.

Alluding to the title of your thread, I don't feel like I fit in at the senior center. Everyone is much older than me, or seems to be. But the worse part is everybody seems to have a spouse, grandkids, etc. and they talk about it. They expect me to have this too.

At a time when we really need each other (like during Covid), we are more divided than ever in this country. I'm in the US. Covid divided us like never before, and now this administration. Supposedly, there's a global loneliness epidemic going on, but no solutions. The pressure to appear cheerful and smiling in the US is unbearable to me now. That meaningless phrase, "How are you?" is killing me. You're supposed to say you're great, what bs. You can't be honest and say what you really feel. I think people can't handle depth; the US is certainly a shallow/superficial culture. It's soul crushing, and I don't get why people think it's better here.

I never did social media and never want to. I don't get this oversharing stuff, but I didn't grow up with it. This is the only forum I do, only one feeling relatively safe. Oh, social media would definitely make me feel worse. I don't have pictures of my smiling family to post, no family at all. And not all families are warm and fuzzy either.

Oh, you made my day just by thanking me for my response. For the most part, anything I say or do, whether online or in real life, I don't get thanks for. Or acknowledgement of any kind. I'm not sure sometimes whether to post in a thread or not; this site is not nearly as busy as it once was.

We have a problem with package theft, like many places. I once grabbed a package for my neighbor, putting it by her door. I left a sticky note that she seems to be out of town and this way it won't get stolen, sitting in the lobby. She didn't thank me so I never did it again. On the flip side, I did it for another neighbor (the one who lived there before her), and HE thanked me by writing a brief note.

I don't do or say things just to get thanks, but they are nice to get. That way I know I didn't waste my time or effort.

@nonightowl Thank you. The username comes from the video game The Legend of Zelda. The fairy fountain theme music is one of my favorites.

You're right about the forced positivity that gets thrown around everywhere. I think this is one of the reasons why I've become more anxious to be around other people. It's almost as if everyone wants you to play a happy character. I agree that basic kindness and respect should be valued, and I try not to be disrespectful to other people. But it never made sense to me that certain emotions (anger, sadness etc.) are seen as so terrible that it should be suppressed. It all just leads to more unhappiness. If it's mixed with isolation, people will begin to feel hopeless and bitter.

Sorry about that man cutting you off and your troubles with fitting in at the senior center. There have been times when I was told that I was being too negative, or where people have cut me out of their lives. Sometimes it helps to talk about the negative things in life instead of pretending they don't exist.

Life has definitely changed after covid. I remember watching music videos from the early 2000s or even movies from that time. Even the 90s and 80s. I know people say to not romanticize the past, and I understand that at times. But it's hard not to. There was something to look forward to back then. Now everything feels deserted. People have become more rude, too.

I read a couple of books about this eternal optimism in this country, and the positive thinking crap. It's deeply embedded, going back centuries. "Negative" things or thoughts are just part of being human, and it's healthier to accept and acknowledge that. It's better than trying to suppress it and smile through it, "looking on the bright side". Sometimes there is no bright side but people insist there is.

That's why I keep things to myself mostly, except on here and for one real life friend. Crimminy, I can't even say something bad about the weather. I get lectured about how it could be worse, or I should be "grateful" I'm here. That's like reliving my childhood. I don't need that.

Yes, people are ruder than ever; I thought it was just me who thought that. They don't respond to anything either. Or ghost me. I have to follow up but now I don't do it anymore. If they really want to contact me, they know where to find me.