[angel04]

I am starting full-time school on monday. It's going to be the first time in 17 years. I've taken the occasional night class over the years but they haven't been credit or degree courses. Just personal interest like languages and photography. There were no tests or exams and no presentations or assignments per se.
The thing is, I am terrified. I have been trying to shove the fear down and ignore it or just distract myself from it somehow by just being busy but today has been hard. Two days and I'm sitting in a classroom with 40 teenagers and yes, I do know that they are all young. I went to an 8 hour orientation day on thursday and met them all. The oldest one is 20. I met my first prof and he told me what his curriculum is and he said there will be plenty of presentations to make in front of the class.........BIG problem with that. Not to mention the exams will be two to three hours in length. The fear and anxiety is just ripping through me right now. I haven't slept in 3 nights and I'm breaking out in hives. I keep having flashes of my future as a burger flipper or public toilet cleaner or worse yet, as a successful I-don't-know-what and unable to handle the success. There have just been so many changes in my life over the past year and I think my sad little pseudo-brave exterior is finally cracking and bleeding. I don't know what to do. I want to withdraw from this program and hide under a rock. I don't know if I made the right decision and I'm actually starting to believe I made the wrong one. This is too big for me. I wish I wasn't so alone. I wish I had someone I could bounce ideas off of or just have a conversation with about all my fears. Someone who didn't have a stake in my success or failure. Someone who would just listen and give me ideas and support me. I need a hand to hold, a real one. I need someone to lean on. I am not capable of doing this alone but i am alone and it feels like I will be for the rest of my life. I don't have anyone who's opinion I can trust, no one who won't judge me or be biased. No one who just wants me to be happy with no strings attached. No real friends. It's been at least 17 years since I had a friend. Someone I could call up when I'm feeling scared or sad. Someone who calls me just to see how I'm doing and to ask me over for coffee and a chat. Someone who cares enough to be there for me in an equal way.
It's seems like it's been forever since I've been able to trust someone to just want to be there for me. No agenda. No ulterior motives. Just a friend. Do those exist anymore or am I kidding myself? I'm just so scared that i can't see straight.
I'm trying so hard to be brave and put up the good front but it's crumbling more and more each day I get closer to the classroom. I'm happy still but just so terrified that I made the wrong decision about this program and I have no one to talk to about my concerns.
Internet friends just don't seem to be interested. They send the obligatory email a couple of times a month but they are far away and don't have the ability to really BE there when i need them. It's not their fault. It's easy to stay distant from someone you know on the internet. It's easy to be consumed by your own life and not have time for net friends. Out of sight out of mind. I understand and I'm not judging, just observing. I just wish there were 'real' people in my life that I could count on. By 'real" I mean physically here, with me.
what a long-winded whine. I just needed to talk and I guess it got out of hand. Sorry. Hopefully with it all written out like this, I can let it go for the night and try to get some sleep.
Thanks to anyone who reads this whole thing.
I'd be grateful for any thoughts, ideas and/or suggestions.
goodnight all
tina

"How bad have you got it?"
www.nascar.com

[Miss_Understood]

I PM'ed you, Angel04. I hope we can be friends.

[SeptemberMorn]

Tina, have you thought of getting a therapist? Or if you have one, they are the one "with skin on" that wouldn't have any alterior motive to be there for you, hold your hand and help you along. Their only motive is to help you get better... or it should be! Sometimes you have to look for them but I have no doubt you can find one that suits your needs.

Hang in there and good luck!




<font color=blue>"Our doubts are traitors and make us lose the good we oft might win by fearing to attempt" --Shakespeare</font color=blue>

[mj14]

Tina,

I know how scary it can be to be on your own...I've been dealing with the same thing for two years now. But even though it may not feel like it right now, you are doing great. Going back to school is such a positive step. The anticipation is always the worst part of something new, and I know once you get started in school, you'll be fine. And maybe school will be a place where you can meet people. You might not have much in common with the students, but there are staff people, and teaching assistants, lots of people you will interact with who won't be 18.

And even though it's not quite the same as 3D, we are here to listen, and offer support. So keep posting, and we'll do our best to help you through the tough times.

*hugs*
Jo

<font color=green> If she spins fast enough then maybe the broken pieces of her heart will stay together, but even a gyroscope can't spin forever</font color=green>

[LadyDragus]

(((((((((((((((((((( angel04 )))))))))))))))))))))

Starting back in school after 17 years has me a litte bit beat , but I do know how you feel, when you walk in the class room and see "kids" in the room and not "adults:" like you would want to see.. One thing to remember, they are there to learn too.. yes they may come off half cocked at times, but ingore that...
It is hard for me to do that soemtimes too, but I do.

I do not get hives like you are having but panic attacks daily.. I will talk to you daily if you like. I am school, and I just started a new job, after not really working for over 8 years because of differnt reason's. ok

I know how hard it is not to have support, but the people on the fourms here are good aobut giving you hugs when you need them, and some give really good advice about how to overcome the panic attacks..


The book I am reading right now The anxiety & Phobia WorkBook Writtne by Edmound J. Bourne PHD is excellent source of ways to overcome these things..
It gives all kinds of helpfull advice and hints and tips to overcome things..
a member of the fourm told me about it, and I am working on reading it while going to school and working and rasing my second child, and plaining a wedding ect...

YOu can pm me.. and i will give you an driect link to me, if you want emails weekly and we can talk like that, I will help you however you need help ok..

Take what I can give and give what you can give ok.

<font color=blue>
I am not worthy of your love
I am seeking worth
Let me find it now
Let me look for it with you
I am not worthy of your friendship
Help me to find it

[angel04]

thanks septembermorn. I do have a therapist but she's new and I'm not totally comfortable with her yet so I'm not in the lay it on the table phase. I wish I was.

"How bad have you got it?"
www.nascar.com

[Butterfly_Faerie]

Angel i'm in Ontario as you konw

Have you thought about talking to a professional about this?

<font color=red>~</font color=red><font color=blue>S</font color=blue><font color=green>u</font color=green><font color=blue>n</font color=blue><font color=green>d</font color=green><font color=blue>a</font color=blue><font color=green>n</font color=green><font color=blue>c</font color=blue><font color=green>e</font color=green><font color=red>~</font color=red>

<font color=blue>"Never react emotionally to criticism. Analyze yourself to determine whether it is justified. If it is, correct yourself. Otherwise, go on about your business."</font color=blue>

<font color=black>Norman Vincent Peale</font color=black>

[angel04]

the panic attacks are starting up again Lady. Believe me. It's not comfortable. I dread sitting in a three hour class and having one. I have antianxiety pills but they make me drowsy and stupid so I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't.

What you are doing and handling is truly staggering. I can't imagine being able to do all of that. I'm shamed by your strength and persistence. I wish I was stronger and could handle this better.
I have that book actually and I didn't find it very helpful. I found it a little boring and never finished the whole thing. I also didn't have the strength to do some of the exercises so I gave up.

thank you for the support. I'll let you know how it went and if I survived it tomorrow.
take care Lady.
tina

"How bad have you got it?"
www.nascar.com

[angel04]

thanks mj. I know you're here for me and it feels good. I just wish there ws someone "here" for me. Call them up and go for coffee and lay out all my concerns and have them put a hand on my shoulder and tell me I'm doing the right thing or at least help me to figure out whether I am or not. Listen and know me. Someone who knows me and knows the way I react to things and how to react to me. Do you know what i mean by that? A friend who really knows me and the way i am that can listen and tell me the things I need to hear or kick me in the butt when that is warranted too.
It's just lonely not having that. I guess I'm still in mourning over my failed marriage. I thought I was over it.
I'll post tomorrow and let you know if I survived.
thanks again MJ. Take care
tina

"How bad have you got it?"
www.nascar.com

[angel04]

I got the pm Missy. I'll reply tomorrow. I'm tired now so I think I should take advantage of it and try to sleep.
We can be friends. I'd like that.
tina

"How bad have you got it?"
www.nascar.com

[LadyDragus]

Do not give up on yourself..
If you do, then you can only be to blame..

I am here to help you as much as I can.. ok.

I do it all because I want to.. You have to have the desier to want to do it.. You have to be at one with yourself to do what I do daily, to do this..
Sometimes I fall back and trust me when i fall back everyone on here hears about it....
Read some of my post, in SI, and other fourms..
They could be a few months old, but when I fall, I fall hard.. ok..

I am not only dong this fro me, but I am also doing this for my childern, so I have many reasons to keep doing this day in and day out.. You have to find the reason you want to keep doing this ok.......

Are you wanting to find a better job?
Are you wanting to give yourself a better life?
Think of some questions that you can answer and then put them down on paper and pm me them if you want or make them wher others can helpyou think thourgh them on here..

WE are all a vass knowelge of help..

Trust us.. ok.

We care for you ok...

(((((((((((((((((((((( hugs )))))))))))))))))))))))))

<font color=blue>
I am not worthy of your love
I am seeking worth
Let me find it now
Let me look for it with you
I am not worthy of your friendship
Help me to find it

[mj14]

Tina,

How did it go yesterday? I was thinking about you, and hoping that your first day was a good one.

*hugs*
mj

<font color=green> If she spins fast enough then maybe the broken pieces of her heart will stay together, but even a gyroscope can't spin forever</font color=green>

[bptoo]

Tina,

You did not make the wrong decision. You're embarking on a new life, and the most natural thing in the world is to be afraid of the unexpected. Inside you lies an adventerous spirit, a drive to have better things in life, and a love for your passions. I've known you for years, and know that when you truly set your mind to something, you will let nothing stand in your way. Self-doubt is a monster to overcome, but you can do this. I have a great deal of faith in you.

I hope your first day went well, and helped to alleviate some of your fears. I may not be there in person, but you can call me anytime you want to talk. You are going to be a success. I'm proud of you for what you've accomplished so far, and you have many great things to come.

All my love and admiration,
Greg



"Beauty is truth, truth is beauty - that is all you know on earth, and all you need to know"

[angel04]

One of the things I am most afraid of and intimidated by is the thought of presenting in front of the class. Well, my first class yesterday was full of that. The first thing i had to do was talk to the guy beside me and get the who, what, where, when and why and then introduce HIM to the class. So there I was, hiding my freaking out, talking to a complete stranger, asking about his life and other personal stuff and telling him my personal stuff and then we had to go up to the front of the class and introduce eachother to the masses. AAAhhhhh!!!! But, I did it. An hour later, we had to work in groups.........scary too, and come up with a product idea and talk about the who, what, where, when and why of that in front of the class. Well, I interacted with the group, I came up with ideas and stood at the front of the class and answered questions too!!
Geez, who knew I could handle all that. I was only on 0.5mg of clonazepam too! I still felt the anxiety but it didn't rule me yesterday. My next class was a breeze. I'm easily going to ace it. There are three presentations near the end of semester but I'm not afraid of them.
What happened to me?? What happened to scared, anxious little me??
This can't possibly last but I'm taking full advantage for now and enjoying myself. I didn't feel any of the intimidation that I usually do and expected. No one knew how old I was. They guessed I was much younger than i am which is cool.
I have a buddy in my english class. She's only 20 but is much more mature than i would expect. We hung out after class yesterday and that makes it alot easier. I don't feel the eyes of others on me when I'm walking the halls in conversation with someone.
Today, I'll be totally alone though. No one I know in today's classes but I'm not scared. I'm anxious and excited but not scared. This is very cool.
Thanks everyone for bolstering and supporting me and listening to my fears. It did help and it helped to know that I have you guys to tell about the small successes too. It sucks to accomplish something and have no one to celebrate with so I appreciate you all very much.
Thanks again.
Tina

"How bad have you got it?"
www.nascar.com

[Butterfly_Faerie]

Angel...

I too had a problem with school anxiety, I dropped out at 15 because my anxiety was so great. If I knew what I know now back then about anxiety I would have completed High school.

Alot of people feel anxious standing up in front of a class and talking, doing presentations ect. It's nerves, we all get them ours just gets a bit worse then others.

But you did it, you should pat yourself on the back. I'm sorry you are under alot of anxiety right now, I am too amoung other things.

Just wanted to know i'm here for you, and there is nothing wrong with you, try to think postive even if you don't believe it. Self Talk is key right now in terms of anxiety and school. Try doing what I did and write postive notes, sentences to yourself and whenever you feel anxiety coming on in school take out your piece of paper and read it. It helped me.

I know it's tough, anxiety sucks! But you'll be able to get through this.

<font color=red>~</font color=red><font color=blue>S</font color=blue><font color=green>u</font color=green><font color=blue>n</font color=blue><font color=green>d</font color=green><font color=blue>a</font color=blue><font color=green>n</font color=green><font color=blue>c</font color=blue><font color=green>e</font color=green><font color=red>~</font color=red>

<font color=blue>"Never react emotionally to criticism. Analyze yourself to determine whether it is justified. If it is, correct yourself. Otherwise, go on about your business."</font color=blue>

<font color=black>Norman Vincent Peale</font color=black>

[saudade]

Well done, girl!!!

Really glad you pulled it off.

Pretty sure you're gonna be alright for the rest of the semester, too.

peace

[mj14]

Tina, I think one line from your post really sums it all up..."But, I did it." That's the key right there. You faced your fears, and came through it with flying colors. Hooray!!!!

I'm so glad the day went well. And I know it's just going get easier with time.

Good job!!!

*hugs*
Jo

<font color=green> If she spins fast enough then maybe the broken pieces of her heart will stay together, but even a gyroscope can't spin forever</font color=green>