[Chinadoll29]

Hi....I am at my wit's end, so I am on this website. I found it by accident. I am young, have a fairly good job, and am decent looking (I think). I am married to a guy 10 years older than me. When we first got together, he told me he had never been married and had no kids. Well, right before our wedding, he told me he had this daughter by a prostitute back in the day. I guess she's been extorting money from him all this time. (Side note: he has forbade me to have any children as he does not want them and finds women over 120 lbs "disgusting." I don't really want kids either). What also bugs me- his whole family LOVES this woman and her illegitamate child! Apparently, she convinced them that she was "saved" or some other religious mumbo-jumbo.

Anyways, I get so angry and so depressed because it feels like I am second best. His whole family refused to come to our wedding because they wanted him to marry her! He got together with her a long time ago- I was 9 years old when it took place, so obviously I did not break them up!

I just hate this woman (I'll try not to refer to her as "the *****"). Part of it is jealousy- they have a family together and we will never have it. Part is complete spite that she is extorting him. Another part of me can't seem to understand why his family embraces her and completely rejects me.

Is there ANYONE out there in this situation? I feel so lonely. I can't tell anyone I work with or any of my friends about this because he might lose his job. (He has sort of a high-ranking position, so I have to keep this anonymous).

Please talk to me if you can relate.

[bebop]

parts of it I can relate to. my ex was/is a very vain person. he did not like it when I gained weight. I am sorry you are in the situation you are in. I could not live like that myself. did you 2 not discuss having children before the marriage?

[Chinadoll29]

Oh, I don't want kids! I never did. He swore on his life he didn't want any either, nor did he have any.

[Junerain]

hi chinnadoll,

i dated someone who talked nonstop about his ex-wife, with whom he had kids with, and he didn't refer to her as his '..ex..' either he still called her his WIFE...I eventually broke up with him and now I hear he talks non-stop about ME lol

Have you tried discussing this with your husband, either face to face or even write a note or even show him this post? You must have so many feelings about the situation- embarrasment, jealousy, rejection, it sounds very intense a thing to cover up especially if your husband has a good job and everything...have you shared with your T? Write us more? thinking of you, junerain

[Perna]

I would have difficulty with his initial lie and his timing telling you about it. I can understand if his family has a relationship with the mother of his child; that's his parents grandchild whether or not the child is legitimate. I can also understand his paying for the child's support, that's his responsibility and I don't see that as extortion.

I don't think you can fight the family on who they care about. If he had been married and divorced from her, it would be no different so the married/not married/legitimate/illegitimate doesn't really matter.

My husband has an ex-wife and 3 sons and we're working on our wills and that's a little bit difficult for me too, despite my not really having anyone else to leave our money to, I'm loathed to have his son "control" half our wealth if my husband dies first and I'm still a bit young. He's 7 years older than I am.

Your husband has this relationship. That no one came to the wedding is not great either. That's not really support of him either, as he chose to marry you. That's extremely bad manners.

I don't know that there is a whole lot you can do except ignore the situation as it stands, unless you decide you don't like it, don't think his lying bodes well for your marriage to him, etc. I would not like anyone dictating whether I could get pregnant or not or what I could/could not do (gain weight). That doesn't sit well with me. You did not say what keeps you in the relationship/marriage? I don't see a partner, I see a really bad, controlling parent or sibling.

[Doh2007]

I might be tempted to get an annulment. That's a big lie. I don't think I could live with this.

[AnnieL]

Thats an awfully big lie that he told you, and you have the right to be angry about that.

Someone else mentioned his familys feelings for this woman, and unfortunatley, we cant make people dislike others because we do. I would feel the same way as you though, and them not going to your wedding was a mean and spiteful thing.

As far as the woman extorting money from him...could you perhaps look at this a little differently? The child is not to be faulted in this...and as he admits to being her father...then he needs to man up and pay for her.

My husband has a child with a woman he never married, and he has paid for her...and contines to pay. She is 21 now, and in university. He can stop paying this December when she turns 22, but I know that he will continue to offer her support while she is in university.

Its frustrating I know...but I wouldnt have as much respect for my hubby if he did not meet his obligations.

Good luck my dear friend.

I would encourage an annulment. I hate the use of the word illegitimate though. Any human being that exists is legitimate. We have to stop referring to children born in any relationship between the parents as illegitimate just because the child's entry into the world was not based on Christian practices.

The child is as "legitimate" as any other simply because the child was born..

[Chinadoll29]

THanks everyone. A few things- he is not sure if the child is his. BUT she said if he asks for a DNA test, she will expose him and ruin his career. So he keeps paying her. That is where the extortion is coming in.

I just don't understand. I am so young and already have accomplished so much. I have done very little wrong in my life. I guess I feel that I don't deserve this and it's really unfair.

I'm trying to see a psychaitrist to get me medicine to make the anger go away. I've tried effexor, zoloft, paxil, and they all were terrible. I don't want wellbutrin because I hear you gain weight, and if I gain weight, he will leave me. (I am already on a diet to get under 105). Any drug advice? (It also doesn't help that I have to go to someone all in secret so his job or mine doesn't find out)

[eskielover]

One thing you need to understand....there isn't a drug in this world that "makes the anger go away". That is something that is inside of you.....your personal feelings about the situation you are in....& until the situation changes or you accept it....that is the only thing that will control your anger feelings.

That being said.....I read that if you gain weight....he will leave you. Gee, is that really so bad? If a person is only staying married to you because you only weigh a certain amount....you really aren't in a marriage anyway. I don't know how tall you are, but weight is definitely a problem.....I have anorexia problems which are caused by stress & being a low weight isn't healthy. Why do you want to be unhealthy for some insane person you are married to that lied how fool head off to you & is keeping your whole life in secret so that you can't even live a real life?

I know that you must have your reasons for staying in this relationship....& if he has position....that may be part of it....you are under the wing of his position & trying to look the part.....but true HAPPINESS in a marriage....just in your life....if more important than being someones wife & having to be someone you aren't even happy being.

You really need to look at your own personal values in life & figure out if this is really where you want to be? As for me....I am leaving a 32 year marriage because I was stupid enough to get into it in the first place & tolerated a lot of crap all those years. I was getting something out of it....or I would have also left long long ago....but there comes a time when I look back & wish I had left early on when I knew I should or never got involved in the first place (which is what my gut feeling told me before the wedding).

Mostly...you need to look at your own motives & why you ever want to continue living in an unhappy situation that makes you angry & than think that you can just take a med to make the anger go away....sounds like kind of a unreal world you are trying to live in.

Debbie

[Rhapsody]

I do not know that I would suggest an annulment for you two due to the fact that he told you about his situation before the wedding and you still married him, therefore, I am assuming you love this man and still desired a life with him despite his lie.

I personally would go for the DNA test - but then again that is his decision...... I pray this innocent child does not get hurt in the middle of all of this commotion amongst adults.

[youOme]

Hmmm...

My opinion might offend you.
Just letting you know.

I think your husband has lied to you. I couldn't trust a man who has covered his path, in my eyes this is deceit. Trust is the number one factor in a relationship. If there is no trust, it'll eventually crumble.

Your husband may say she was a prostitute, I'm guessing she wasn't. He wants the woman to look bad because she is "disrupting" his childless existence. What if you become pregnant? Will you become a prostitute too?

Asking for money to care for his OWN child is not called extortion, it's called child support. Again, the words have been completely blown out of context...prostitute, extortion...illegitimate child.

The impression I've gotten about your husband in this situation is not a good one.

You don't have children, so you will not fully understand single parenting and being lost and forgotten like some bastard child...the mistake. It angers me that men can actually convince their woman that these were "mistakes". Women should know better, get a real sense on the situation, don't just rely on your husbands.

I hope he actually pays the woman he had created a life with, I hope he acknowledges his child....