Help! Plz, Read n Respond

I couldn't decide where this should go; so, it ended up being posted here. I have ocd, borderline pesonality disorder, schizoaffective disorder: bipolar type, ptsd, and panic/anxiety.

I was hospitalized for the first time since february (I was severely depressed and suicdial: did ECT). Not this past weekend; but, the one before. I had what one doctor told me was anxiety attacks. I disagree becasue I've never had one like that ever.

Antipsychotics don't work for me. Antidepressants make me manic. I have not slept enough in atleast a month. Oftentimes no more thaan 3 hours in 24 hours. I am quite often completely awake until my body shuts down without warning like the shot of a gun. Ive gone 26 hours without sleep sometimes. I was running around my apt. I felt like I was losing my mind. I had difficulty even just making a simple phone call. It was on the weekend so had to call the pdoc on call. Was brought to the er by a policeman. They tried giving me ativan which I told them does not work; but, they didn't listen. What a surprise: it didn't. They gave me an intramuscular shot of valium which helped me calm down enough to not scream and make such awful noises and they were hoping it would keeep me from passing out from hyperventialating and slow down.

Ive never heard noises like it come out of a person, let alone myself. The pdoc I was assigned to wasn't my regular one (altho mine works at the hospital too). I was due to see him so I decided to leave. I felt I had enough to deal with my own issues than deal with the other patients freaking me out too.

The whole hallucinating, being extremely paranoid, and the whole laughing/crying thing (being extremely manic apparently), too sexual (many partners, casual, careless at times). Is not a good idea; but, can't make certain decisions at differnet times.

I'm extremely frustrated. I told staff when I felt things building. It didn't seem to help at all. The doctor gave me valium twice a day 10 mg (which I am still on), seroquel 100 mg which was supposed to help me sleep- it didn't really work; but, made me feel awfully hungover like. He put me back on trilafon too and went up to 24 mg of that for the hallucinations being really bad and stuff. I had previously been taken off of cymbalta 4 days before. They assured me it was not from withdrawls.

I know at one point it was late at night/early morning on the psych unit and the patients (except one) were asleep in their rooms. I would pace as fast as I could, hyperventilating the whole time, while making the most god awful noises and crying/almost screaming really loudly. One of the mental health workers tried approaching me to calm me down; but, I was in such a bad place that I was so scared and did not even recognize him at all (eventhough Ive known him for quite sometime) and heard what he said to some degree but did not see him and saw someone else in his place. At one point I was feaking out and scared of the doors and stuff too. The last time this happened in the hospital, I ran into the "group room" after all went to bed and shut myself in there trying to keep the door closed with my body shoved against the door. I would cram myself into corners so I knew that I was vulnerable less or atleast might be more protected and what not. Four female staff members came in and stood in front of me. I was trapped basically and couldn't even move to the center of the room, being behind the door and trying to cram myself as far into the wall as possible. The thing I remember was them asking another about getting/giving me a needle.... They finally got me to take a pill instead. I could not calm down enough to sleep in my room for fear of freaking out and attacking someone and told the staff to leave me alone and stay away because I am not violent and didn't want to attack them.

When I was discharged, I was abruptly stopped from the seroquel and trilafon. Went to see my doctor. He didn't do anything different. kept me on the valium and did not make it a prn bc he said it causes to be less effective and u to need more. The only other psych med I am on is lamictal 100 mg in the morning and 200 mg at bed.

I am concerned because I feel things mounting again. My sex drive is still through the roof; I slept with a man I met randomly from online; don't even know his name but atlesast for once in a long time he wore a condom unlikef most of the men I am with. I am not worried so much about pregnancy: more about stds. I've been getting agitated over minor things and yelling, crying and laughing at the same time, not sleeping hardly, having a hard time eating sometimes. I sometimes throw up on impulse. It makes me feel high for some reason. I've done it only a couple days here and there but it makes me feel good; minus the sore throat. Deep down I know a lot of these things are not good decisions; but, it seems uncontrolable and sometimes I'm not even aware of it at all. For exaple: I was at one point smacking my head on the wall for whatever reason and couldn't seem to stop it.

I suppose I've atleast turned down offers of money, and drugs (ecstasy, coke, weed, and heroin even). Eventhough I need the money and like sex, it does make it a bit hard to refuse money a lot when I don't have enough to pay bills. I am in disabled/elderly apt complex and pay based on income (heat and hot water included). I have been doing my best to reach out but it makes it hard when u can't get ahold of anyone. I don't like my mom and twin feeling like they have the right to know everything in my life and my sexuality in particular lately.

If anyone has any idea what's going or or what I can do about it or suggestions for my pdoc for treatment, I'd definitely appreciate it. Thanks for reading and I hope you respond.

suggestions for help, treatment or what ever insight you have on the above forementioned subjects are welcome and very appreciated. Thanks again, Danielle

(((((((((((( Danielle )))))))))))))))))))
Can you print this post out and show it to your pdoc? I am sorry that you are going through this and hope things get better for you soon.

I can't think of how to respond -- except to say that it seems to me you need some intensive, supportive, and durable communication with someone good right away -- and how does someone get that when it is needed most?

Hi,

Wow, you are going through some major pain. I hope you have a support system to help you through this? Have you considered a residential treatment center for mental wellness? I did a 45 day program about 2 years ago that worked wonders. You saw a Pdoc and T everyday, groups, arts and crafts. They even did ouptpatient ECT if it was warranted. ECT did wonders for ME.

I wish you luck and peace!

Have you tried some different combos of meds like Abilify, Geodon, Depakote, Lamictal...?

I take 6 different meds to try to get me on an even keel. Sometimes one or 2 won't do it.--Suzy

(((((Danielle)))))

When I read what you were going through, I said to myself "that used to be me." Yeah, I was at that point once, too. I don't want you to think that there is no hope for you...there is hope. I know I thought I was gonna go crazy for a long time until I got good therapy (DBT & CBT therapy in a partial hospitalization program) and then got on the right meds. I can say things have been better since all that.

Do you have any type of intensive therapy programs in your area? That may help with some things...along with trying to work with your pdoc on trying to find the right mix of meds for you.

Try to hang in there. I know it's easier said than done...but I'm here.

Danielle, You seem quite articulate and intelligent, and acutely aware of your own issues...you said that you "felt things building" and that you were frustrated, is that because no one listens to you and THAT makes it even LESS likely that you'll get the help you need? That also seems rational to me...I don't think you're sick, (physically) I think that you're lost. I think that you're searching for something that will fill that big hole there in your soul, drugs,relationships,sex, whatever will keep the wind from whistling thru there! I've been where you are, and what delivered me was my "moment of clarity" where i saw myself and what I was doing to me...and then when I understood WHY I was doing it (just to be loved), I was moved with compassion for myself...I picked myself up, dusted me off, and because of that vision of myself that day I never went back to trying to get wrong stuff to try to fit in that hole in my heart, why? because after that I knew that God loved me...he showed me! he'll show you too! he delivered me, he'll deliver you...ultimately, it all comes down to where you place your faith...in man and drugs?, in yourself? or in someone who won't treat your illness, he'll cure it!