Fragmented me

I feel like I tell only fragments of my life. There is so much. I went to Maine to bring my son a reliable vehicle and brought his back for work to be done. He called a few nights ago at midnight in tears, very anxious and homesick. He has bipolar and has been on risperidol and depakote. He says the docs approved him cutting doses in half, which he did 2-3 weeks ago. He hugged on to me so hard when I got there. He showed me his house that he shares with rich friends whose parents feed them money so they go to school and get high. He said he wants to be going out and doing things like biking and surfing but he works, sleeps and goes to class. He has gone from a 34-36 inch waist to a 32 in no time. He explained that the job he has now is at a high stress restaurant, fancy one where he is yelled at constantly. My son is a good worker. He is a good kid. I told him to give notice last night. He gets home at mid-night. While we were eating at a local diner a man asked him if he would like to work with kids and there seems to be a job available to which he will be applying. The man was very kind. My son cried with me yesterday. This big man of a child. I felt so deeply for his pain. I told him that he is to get his all East Ski pass and board this year. I always have had to work so hard and never know fun. I do not want that for him. He is seeing a pdoc on Nov 2nd so I will be curious to see what they are thinking as he has not seen one in quite some time. I brought him a ton of groceries and he loved that. He was telling me how anxious he has been. Yeah, like having panic attacks before work. Well, if all they are going to do is yell at him I would have panic attacks too. I have a daughter with OCD, and I have been battling PTSD, and depression for too long. My job is stressfull and my back hurts. I took today off as a sick day. My hubby has been great for a while. He has anxiety disorder but seems to be dealing well and picking up the slack because all I can manage is working and coming home to bed mostly. We are stone cold broke. Would buy the kid a car if I could. But we will probably do the body work ourselves though I am bringing it to a kid tonight to get an estimate. I will put snow tires, brakes and an alignment on it before I bring it back. Life is weird. Whenever I am complaining about one thing a few others pop up to bite me in the arse. It's as though life is reminding me to stop complaining and deal or worse things will happen. Cancer kiddo unchanged. Still hospital since early august. Anxious today. I really don't have anything pressing on me until later. Just resting in bed now .

You sure did a great job raising up that son of yours. He sounds like a really sweet young man, and hard worker to boot. Is he single? ;-)

Sweetie, you sure are going through a rough spell lately. I'm glad you have this place with all the people who care so much about you. We really do, you know!

Big hugs honeybuns!

Emmy

Oh Emmy, he is half your age. He is sweet though. Thanks for your kind words. It seems as though the rough spell has been my life. I am tired. My T tells me my homework is to see one spec of light in each day whether it be my silly puppy dogs, a hug from the kids, pretty leaves etc. It is good homework because I experience these every day. Like yesterday when I was at my son's I was watching these waves pounding the shore and surfers with wet suits getting pounded too. I am not an ocean person but the beauty of those masssive waves pounding was incredible. I am a water baby. I feel so overwhelmed and alone. I called the pediatrician(yup, that is still listed as him primary doc) to get a referral for his psche services. I called him this morning and told him to get all East ski pass and that he was going to use it. Hec, maybe I will join him sometimes, haven't been on skis in about 8 years. I used to love it though. My sweet puppies are on my lap, I ran to town to buy fruit as hubby forgot and that is basically what I eat. My back wants to hurt but the meds help. I am just very sad. I want my boy's life to be more simple. I don't want him to suffer. He, unlike me, was raised without abuse and neglect. He was raised with so much love, why does he have to hurt so? It just ain't fair. he is interested in Buddism so I will be sending him books I have. I will send along treats of course. Oh Emmy, thanks for being here.

Half my age? And what's wrong with that? Hey, if it's good enuf for Cher, it's good enuf for emmy! And you know I could be his Buddhist instructor too!

Yes, the ocean waves are wonderfully relaxing. But even better yet is puppy slobber. Kisses from a puppy is better than any pile of uptook seratonin! I swear, their spit is curative. They oughta make a body cream outta it. OK, well...maybe not. Maybe all us nuts should just get a puppy from our health care provider? With free vet care, of course.

Skiing sounds like a wonderful idea for you! Getting out there in the cold sun. Or just sitting on your duff in the lodge sipping hot cocoa. You can wear those funny big furry boots. Like Saskwatch from the knees down. Hugs and stuff. emmy

Emmy, i didn't tell you that one of his house mates has a long haired black shepard that his parents bought for $800.00. Puppy is 14 weeks old now and he is the cutest thing. you can tell he's been around a lot of youth as he is well socialized. My son adores him. He misses his own dog too but I can't feel good about letting her go live there when he moves every few months. I am a protective mommy huh/ Thanks Emmy. For some reason, full of tears today.

Maybe a little better tonight. I think I can help my kid with his car and that makes me positive. I just want to curl up and cry.

Well, then, I'm curled up wif you.

Emmy

ww, I'm sorry you are going through so much. I wish I had something more to give, but all I can do is send you some hugs.

{{{{{{{{{wisewoman}}}}}}}}}}

Love ya,
Jo

mj, hugs help and thank you. What a trip huh?

ww I think you did a good job telling us all this in one post. I also think you have shared what is happening with you, ongoing in posts... it's me, and others who are depressed I guess, who just can't remember everything about everybody. Sometimes it's easier to ask the background of the story again, than to not recall and miss the full picture. :{

it is so great that he has you to lean onto... just do your best and it will be enough ok?

Sky, Thanks my friend. he sounds better tonight, called in sick so he could catch up on homework. I also found someone to do the body work for $250.00. I am seeking a coupon that will give me 1/2 price on the allignment if I buy 2 snows. I want him to have good things. I want him to not have the stress that I had. This is triggering my ptsd so much! But, he will have his car back and it will look nice. we are going to get zebra seat covers for him and totally clean the inside of his car. I want to do nice things for him. It is yesterday that he was born and I realized that I had this human that I was responsible for protecting. He is my first and most magical baby. I want POWER to make it better. I need to live today and get through each day. i worry that I will cave and not function well. Want to see my kid again soon and will even sleep in that dreadful house of his. Of course I will bring my own sheets and pillows and blankets. I can drive up there anytime and that is comforting. it is a long drive that kills my back but it's well worth it. anyway, thanks for your support.

ww I am sure that though material things are fine, and fun, that you will show him how relationships are more important. I am also sure that his rich friends don't have all the love and support that he (your son) is receiving. He might not tell you, but they certainly must chat about it when they are all out "with the guys" and bum things happen. Often families with money (not all) throw money at their children, because they are too insecure in forming a good relationship. The parents never learned this, and they were too busy making the money to develop them with their own children... in the end... taking the focus off material things, and what others think and onto real love and caring... that will take him much farther in life.

oh you are so sweet. I show my son my love and hugs and thoughts all of the time. thank you for saying this. he knows we love him so much and want his life to be easy. There is no such thing. I have guilt in my genes that he has bipolar. How come after everything i have been through my kids too have to suffer? It ain't f in fair. We know that though don't we? So, tomorrow I work and that stinks. Wish me luck. thank you so much

It's also quite possible that he really doesn't envy his rich roommates. I don't know your son, but I do know that not all kids WANT or expect their parents to provide them with the "finer" things in life. I know I don't. I'm not highly materialistic, and I think it's possible your son isn't either.

Just some food for thought.

Angela

Hey it's a new day and I am going to run out and attack it with a flare. Sorry to be such a bugger yesterday. Today is a new day. All good things will happen today. My hay will be delivered, my feet won't freeze, my back won't hurt, I'll get everywhenre on time. That's my dream for today.

I wish for you that all that comes true!!!

I wish those things for you! ((((((((((((((((((wisewoman))))))))))))))))))

Love,
Fuzzy

(((((((WW)))))))))
Hope your dream is coming true...

Take care lady.
Kimberly.

Good for you! Sorry about the bad day you had yesterday and all you have to deal with. I need to get off my butt and do something about hay too, before I run out or it gets to be too late. That can be a big issue for me, especially when I put it off and my husband thinks I expect him to bail me out at the last minute. That situation gets ugly.

Well, no hay but I survived. If you didn't know better you would think I am a fiction writer. What a day. It is all okay, part of the job and humanity but exhausting. My bunnies need the good stuff where as the goats and sheep will get round bales. Thanks for all of your support. My feet stayed pretty warm and I was on time mostly and I have friends who were there in a pinch so how much more can I ask for huh? Thanks folks!