[Fuzzybear]

What are your thougts on this?

My stepmother, amongst others, have hurt me by repeatedly doing this to me. I do not care to be a scapegoat (or a stand in)

[Rhapsody]

I too was once everyone's scapegoat in the family....... and then one day (after years of T) I finally stopped and with the that day came an awaking in me where I told it all out loud for all to hear when my family was together in one house...... and man did it feel so good to finally let it all out (all the secrets no longer controlled me) - I was FREE!!

* * * * * * *

But - isn't funny (in a strange way) how an entire family often seems to place so much power in one person - as though that person (the scapegoat) could control and deem power over every ones life...... NOT!

[Fuzzybear]

Indeed, to the second part of your post

I'm sorry you've also been "treated" in this way

[nowheretorun]

not to cast blame, but from anything i can figure out those who blame and scapegoat are simply unable to accept their own responsibility for how things are? one of my step-mothers was a scapegoater... she was just angry it seemed to me all the time, needed someplace to vent constantly, so, i guess i was the nearest weakest object?

sorry this is happening for you fuzzy, would it help to remind yourself that the love you share and contribute to others is the very medicine those hurtful people also need? by giving the love you so consistently give others i believe you are doing the greatest thing for yourself and others around you... in theory, it would only be a matter of time before that love extended onto your oppressors.. in the meantime tho... gather strength from those who share and feel your connection of goodness.. sending you strength and prayers..

[Fuzzybear]

And you're right, years of T are needed to overcome this abuse.

edit... to heal from this abuse would be better wording.

[Fuzzybear]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
nowheretorun said:
not to cast blame, but from anything i can figure out those who blame and scapegoat are simply unable to accept their own responsibility for how things are? one of my step-mothers was a scapegoater... she was just angry it seemed to me all the time, needed someplace to vent constantly, so, i guess i was the nearest weakest object?

sorry this is happening for you fuzzy, would it help to remind yourself that the love you share and contribute to others is the very medicine those hurtful people also need? by giving the love you so consistently give others i believe you are doing the greatest thing for yourself and others around you... in theory, it would only be a matter of time before that love extended onto your oppressors.. in the meantime tho... gather strength from those who share and feel your connection of goodness.. sending you strength and prayers..



</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

[Fuzzybear]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Rhapsody said:
I too was once everyone's scapegoat in the family....... and then one day (after years of T) I finally stopped and with the that day came an awaking in me where I told it all out loud for all to hear when my family was together in one house...... and man did it feel so good to finally let it all out (all the secrets no longer controlled me) - I was FREE!!

* * * * * * *

But - isn't funny (in a strange way) how an entire family often seems to place so much power in one person - as though that person (the scapegoat) could control and deem power over every ones life...... NOT!

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

[Rhapsody]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
nowheretorun said:
not to cast blame, but from anything i can figure out those who blame and scapegoat are simply unable to accept their own responsibility for how things are? one of my step-mothers was a scapegoater... she was just angry it seemed to me all the time, needed someplace to vent constantly, so, i guess i was the nearest weakest object?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Not - in my case...... as I was a very Happy Girl and it was my Family that placed this Title upon me so they would not have to face their own issues and admit the family problems...... as my T put it - it was easier for them to blame me (give me the power) than to face themselves in the mirror.

There is a difference in those that accept the Scapegoat Role and those that have it bestowed upon them - think about it.

[gimmeice]

(((((((((((((((( Fuzzybear )))))))))))))))))))))
I seem to be my family's scapegoat too. It has been like this for as long as I can remember. It doesn't matter who does what it is always my fault and my responsibility to fix it. My T is trying to help me change this. I am sorry that you are going through this, it is a tough spot to be in.

[Rhapsody]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Fuzzybear said:
And you're right, years of T are needed to overcome this abuse.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Yes...... that is so TRUE and luckily I spent eight straight long hard years to over come twenty years of emotional, sexual and physical abuse..... and while I am in no way perfect in my healing - I am at least half of my real self again.... getting even stronger with each passing day and every trail I conquer.

[Rhapsody]

ScapeGoat

Noun
Main Entry: 1scape·goat
Pronunciation: \ˈskāp-ˌgōt\
Function: noun

1: a goat upon whose head are symbolically placed the sins of the people after which he is sent into the wilderness in the biblical ceremony for Yom Kippur

2 a: one that bears the blame for others b: one that is the object of irrational hostility


Verb
Main Entry: 2scapegoat
Function: transitive verb

: to make a scapegoat of

[Fuzzybear]

"easier to blame me (give me the "power" than to face themselves in the mirror"

Exactly.

One of my stepmothers gems she generously offered me was "you should punished all your life"

I could write a book on family dysfunction and hurt. But I won't because I have better things to do, like living MY life, free from BLAME. At leaast thats one of my goals.

[nowheretorun]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Rhapsody said:
</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
nowheretorun said:
not to cast blame, but from anything i can figure out those who blame and scapegoat are simply unable to accept their own responsibility for how things are? one of my step-mothers was a scapegoater... she was just angry it seemed to me all the time, needed someplace to vent constantly, so, i guess i was the nearest weakest object?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Not - in my case...... as I was a very Happy Girl and it was my Family that placed this Title upon me so they would not have to face their own issues and admit the family problems...... as my T put it - it was easier for them to blame me (give me the power) than to face themselves in the mirror.

There is a difference in those that accept the Scapegoat Role and those that have it bestowed upon them - think about it.



</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

eyah Rhapsody, you pushed back.. i think thats a brave move for one to do when highly outnumbered but i think i catch your meaning that it is either push back at times, or be pushed over.... as a child i told my older and massively larger step brother i wouldnt be his doormat, he cried.... how amazed i was....

not that making people cry is great either, so, a person of conscience is really stuck sometimes, but in my case, it was a moment of positioning within the family and i was not going to be the scapegoat among the kids... with step-mom, the dynamics were so different and i just tried to persevere... for a long time i thought about vengeance, but i fought that very poisonous thinking and have since chosen to let go... step-mom remains the same to this day... what a cold, callous, lonely world she lives in ...

best to all

[(JD)]

Fuzzybear, are you projecting your feelings against your stepmothers onto someone now IRL? Or are you making someone else a scapegoat for those feelings?

[Perna]

I don't think of projection and scapegoating as being quite the same thing.

Projection usually just confuses me because I know it's not mine and it doesn't "make sense". It's a non-sequitur of sorts. As soon as I learned to recognize double-binds ("Have you quit beating your wife?" - "yes" means you use to beat her, "no" means you're still beating her; there's no way to be innocent, to have never been beating her in the first place); projection wasn't difficult to shake my head and walk away from or shrug and look confused, etc.

Scape goating also doesn't make much sense but can be a bit more difficult because of the number of people behind it; you got the whole village trying to drive you over the cliff for their own sins, you need to get out of that particular village!

I don't get scape goated because my own character, honesty, sense of self, etc. doesn't make it possible. I don't accept it and I'm no "fun" to have it put upon me because I don't play/accept it. It reminds me of the adage, "defeat isn't bitter if you don't swallow it". Just going with the flow, not fighting but shrugging and acting a bit "confused" and doing your own thing takes all the purpose out of tryng to use you, for others. I very much know who I am now (after a million years of therapy) so it's nearly impossible to make me look like/seem to be someone/something else.

[Fuzzybear]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
nowheretorun said:
</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Rhapsody said:
</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
nowheretorun said:
not to cast blame, but from anything i can figure out those who blame and scapegoat are simply unable to accept their own responsibility for how things are? one of my step-mothers was a scapegoater... she was just angry it seemed to me all the time, needed someplace to vent constantly, so, i guess i was the nearest weakest object?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Not - in my case...... as I was a very Happy Girl and it was my Family that placed this Title upon me so they would not have to face their own issues and admit the family problems...... as my T put it - it was easier for them to blame me (give me the power) than to face themselves in the mirror.

There is a difference in those that accept the Scapegoat Role and those that have it bestowed upon them - think about it.



</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

eyah Rhapsody, you pushed back.. i think thats a brave move for one to do when highly outnumbered but i think i catch your meaning that it is either push back at times, or be pushed over.... as a child i told my older and massively larger step brother i wouldnt be his doormat, he cried.... how amazed i was....

not that making people cry is great either, so, a person of conscience is really stuck sometimes, but in my case, it was a moment of positioning within the family and i was not going to be the scapegoat among the kids... with step-mom, the dynamics were so different and i just tried to persevere... for a long time i thought about vengeance, but i fought that very poisonous thinking and have since chosen to let go... step-mom remains the same to this day... what a cold, callous, lonely world she lives in ...

best to all

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

[Fuzzybear]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
gimmeice said:
(((((((((((((((( Fuzzybear )))))))))))))))))))))
I seem to be my family's scapegoat too. It has been like this for as long as I can remember. It doesn't matter who does what it is always my fault and my responsibility to fix it. My T is trying to help me change this. I am sorry that you are going through this, it is a tough spot to be in.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Its obvious to me that you're a kind gentle person. In my experience its often the kind, gentle, forgiving people who are "victimised" in this manner. Its very sad.

[Fuzzybear]

Thanks Sky and Perna for your input

[nowheretorun]

you start some pretty great threads ((fuzzy)))))

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Perna said:
I don't think of projection and scapegoating as being quite the same thing.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

i think you are right about this Perna, i think fuzzy meant another is projecting the scapegoat character onto her?

[Fuzzybear]

"its nearly impossible to make me look like/seem to be someone/something else"

Excellent, thanks for this post. Clearly a strong sense of self is needed, something many mentally ill people are still working to attain.

[Bethsway]

(((((((((fuzzybear))))))))) it is not fun to be the scapegoat for anybody....My thoughts are with you...You are the best..try not to let it bother you too much!!!!

"scapegoat"
would be my thoughts of being the black sheep of the family
As a child I was the scapegoat or black sheep......
never did anything the way "they thought it should be done"
So much i could say, but all water under the dam now...
but it made me who i am

but thats how I came to think
((everyone matters))))))
and you do
(((((((((fuzzy)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

((((( Fuzzy )))))


Don't have a lot of words, but I'm sorry this is happening. IMHO people who often throw blame around are too small to take it themselves. It's so much easier for someone to dump blame then to accept it or be the bigger person about it.

[Fuzzybear]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Perna said:
I don't think of projection and scapegoating as being quite the same thing.

Projection usually just confuses me because I know it's not mine and it doesn't "make sense". It's a non-sequitur of sorts. As soon as I learned to recognize double-binds ("Have you quit beating your wife?" - "yes" means you use to beat her, "no" means you're still beating her; there's no way to be innocent, to have never been beating her in the first place); projection wasn't difficult to shake my head and walk away from or shrug and look confused, etc.

Scape goating also doesn't make much sense but can be a bit more difficult because of the number of people behind it; you got the whole village trying to drive you over the cliff for their own sins, you need to get out of that particular village!

I don't get scape goated because my own character, honesty, sense of self, etc. doesn't make it possible. I don't accept it and I'm no "fun" to have it put upon me because I don't play/accept it. It reminds me of the adage, "defeat isn't bitter if you don't swallow it". Just going with the flow, not fighting but shrugging and acting a bit "confused" and doing your own thing takes all the purpose out of tryng to use you, for others. I very much know who I am now (after a million years of therapy) so it's nearly impossible to make me look like/seem to be someone/something else.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">



Thanks and to all who replied, so many people here are very insightful

(it seems to me theres little point in judging or assessing if the whole picture is scewed... for any number of ..... reasons)

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((( Bethsway )))))))))))))

(((((((((((((( muffy )))))))))))))))

(((((((((((((( Griffe )))))))))))))))