[inkblot]

Hi everybody. Thanks for the words and comments you all have been making in my previous post, "Life Update". I don't really even know where to put this post for the most appropriate category, so I figure the catch-all General is just fine.

I have no idea what is happening right now. At this moment my mind feels just so mixed up about what I am supposed to do, who am I supposed to be, etc. I've been getting an attitude lately so easily, it's almost like I'm looking for trouble and one of these days I may lose control and give in to it.

I've been getting more impulsive as time goes on, at least over this year, I think. There are times of stress of whatever emotion at the time that I seem to think that I'll find relief by taking pills and doing some purging. I get a little more outspoken with these irritable attitudes and almost enjoy the challenge of trouble. If someone says something to me that's with attitude, well, by golly, I'm going to really enjoy that challenge and give some right back--perhaps with a sarchastic niceness. I almost want to "egg" the person on to see what happens.

I'm not a violent person. People always consider me quiet, sweet, mysterious, caring. I don't know if all of this is stress, depression, anxiety, PTSD. Could be any of those as I have had problems with it all lately. Or maybe my moods are changing to the start of something different. I don't know. Doc said once in chat Tuesday something in reference to welcome to wild mental health and something chat. It was in reference to like wild animals/wild kingdom and such. I don't remember exactly--can't remember much of anything these days--but you might get the picture. I hope that I am remembering enough of it right. Anyway, I kind of feel like I am turning in to that "wild" part of the mental health.

[eskielover]

Hi Inky,

I have been reading your posts, not always responding, but difinitely been reading.

When I read this, I seemed to relate at least a little, & thought this may shed some light on your feelings. I know when I am mad at the situation I am in, I get very angry. Thus giving everyone & everything around me an attitude. Afterall, I'm mad & need to let some of it out, or I will explode. I find myself doing things I would never do, also being a very quite, sweet person. The "wild animal" that is fighting back comes out. This even included fignting with the law enforcememt or anyone else that is close, especially if I am confronted by them for even a small thing.

I found that once I got used to my life style, I settled back into being more myself, but once I had a taste of being a little wild, it seems to never all go away.

Don't know if this gives any information that may help you understand what may be going on, but thought I would try.
Debbie

[shakes]

((((Inky))))
You are a sweet person who has a lot going on in life right now. It is no wonder that you feel mixed up. Stress can make us feel strange ways...angry..scared... I am normally a very non violent and non confrontational person. Stress makes me feel as though I want to drive my car through a building.
I guess I really don't have any advice. I just wanted to let you know that I read your post.

Take care of yourself hun,
Jessica

[itsjustme111]

AWWW Inky. Don't be hard on yourself. Your feelings are real and very valid.

I agree with what has been said here. Stress can do such unexplainable to our thought process. Yes we need stress, but there is always a point of too much.

I would never think you are a violent person, but I do feel that this can be a natural reaction to things that are going on. I have felt like taking others heads off, and I am also the opposite of this. But depression, stress, illness; it can do this.

Just reading what you wrote about taking pills, purging..... this will make it worse. Not that I am one to speak, but I know what you are going through. I don't know exactally how you feel, nobody can but you. But I do have an understanding with everything u are saying. I wish I could turn the switch, help with the more positive ways of coping. lolol....but unfortunetly I cannot. My magic powers are on hold.

Just remember that you are not a bad person, or that this is not normal thinking. If there is something I have learned is; our feelings are ours, we own them, and they need to be validated. Our thoughts are also ours to own. Its just working through these.

If you feel that you get to the point where the thoughts are taking over, get help, RIGHT AWAY. Try not to harm yourself with pills or purging....or anyway for that matter. But if it does happen, well we will help you through this. Slipping is not bad, its what we can do in the future. Not thats its easy!!!!! Time...give this to yourself.

I am here, and many others as well. Talk to me anytime, I worry about u. But I have seen who inky is, and your wonderful. I care about you, your part of my "good" family; lolol.

Love you dearly!!!!

Justy

[Wants2Fly]

Hi Inky --

There seems to be a lot of "mixed up" going on. My situation isn't as desperate as yours, bec. I have some savings left, but I, too, don't know where to live, how to support myself, and I am angry at who and what contributed to my losing parts of my life that I valued.

Yesterday, I was making phone calls to find a room in a home, and something I said triggered a young man, 29, to start confessing that he is messed up, doesn't know what he wants to do, is drinking too much, needs more stability. He wound up asking me -- almost begging me -- if I would rent an apartment, and we could live together. Yeah, right, I'm gonna go live with a young strong guy who describes himself as 6'4" (I'm 5'6"), drinks too much, is as messed up as I am, and whom I've never met before. Yeah, right.

At any rate, that doesn't have much to do with you -- other than -- there's a lot of us searching for stability, clarity, and peace of mind right now.

You are going through so much right now -- you are doing GREAT. I honestly think I would just curl up in my car and never leave it. I don't think I could do what you are doing. I can't even begin to imagine how hard this must be for you.

Angry? I should think you would be outraged. I am outraged for you and by our society. There were almost no homeless people when I grew up. Reagan and the "compassioniate conservatives" changed all that. It used to be that one man could support his family on his paycheck. Now, mom and dad both work, sometimes 2 or 3 jobs. With no job security, no health benefits, no retirment funds. Oh, yeah, it's a great old world out there.

And somehow you have been able to take care of yourself through all this. You are a shining example, as far as I'm concerned.

I hope there is much love and peace and blessings for you in the very near future, Inky.

[SeptemberMorn]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Inky}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} I know how you feel. Since I've always been a very vocal person, I find that writing my feelings down and maybe even screaming, helps me a lot. Of course, I do this when I'm alone so that as I type or write, no one will hear me cursing and ripping them a new one. But it sure helps. Taking a small pillow and beating the heck out of another one, or just any sturdy piece of furniture helps a lot, too. Restraining that "wild animal" doesn't help. It just makes it worse. You need to get those feelings out in a safe way. It's okay. Go for it!

[PlanningtoLive]

{{{{{{{{{Inky}}}}}}}}}}}

I call my attitude being "snotty" so I can relate. It takes nothing for me to give as good as I get.....[sigh]

I wholeheartedly agree with the fact that you have really held things together, and for quite awhile. It's difficult under stress to do that. I've lived my share of time under subways in cardboard boxes, and under stairwells........all with kids. It sucks and produces a lot of stress that is hard to handle.

Possibly now that you were able to get into a shelter, your emotions are kicking in and the energy that sustained you is coming out in your actions.

I don't believe you are a terrible person or looking for problems. I think since one major problem has been temporarily taken care, you're reacting now.

Just my 2 cents............but I have worried about you, and am glad you're out of your car.

Mary Alice

[Fuzzybear]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{inky}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}