[jewels1900]

I tried posting this on the Internet Travelers Lounge but got no response. I thought I would try posting here:

I'm not sure exactly which community on this website would be appropriate for my situation, if any. Perhaps you can give me some guidence. My husband of 7 years(now ex-husband) became, most likely bi-polar. I'm not sure of his diagnosis because of patient privacy laws. His best friend used to be a psychiatrist so he gave me his opinion after talking to him and he said he is most likely bi-polar. Anyway, during the last two years of our marriage his illness was slowly developing but I did not recognize it since I knew nothing of mental illness. In the end, he walked out of our home, quite suddenly, because one of his dilusions that people were out to kill him & he believed one of the people who was going to kill him lived in the apartment across the way from us. He went to his dad's house to "hideout" & never came back. I went there to "visit" him on many occasions. I tried very hard to understand the whole thing. But, ultimately, he refused to take his medication so I had no choice but to divorece him, especially since I had a teenage daughter from a previous marriage & I found out he was having hyper-sexual fantasies about her. Im leaving out a lot of details about the whole trauma here in the interest of time. Let's just say it was extremely traumatic. My problem is that I've been divorced from him for 3 years. I've moved on & met a wonerful man & am doing better than ever.....except for the part where when the anniversary comes up when he walked out the door, it all comes back to me. All the emotions, I even have nightmares about him. It seemed to hit me harder this year than the previous 2. I am looking for an online group with people who have gone through a similar situation so I can get help working through this. I just want my life back...all of it. Do you have any suggestions? Also, if you know of any books about people who have gone through a similar situation I would be interested in that as well. Thank you.

[kimmydawn]

jewels, hi and welcome!

it sounds as though the reason it may be hitting you so hard at anniversary time is because there's alot that you didn't get closure on. you received no closure on his dianosis, etc.

it also sounds as though the marriage in itself was somewhat traumatizing for you and your daughter. have either of you received therapy in order to move on from this? if not, i would certainly feel it appropriate right now. maybe then you can move past the things that happened in the marriage and get the closure you need. a good therapist could help you to understand ex's actions better, and subsequently yours for getting divorced. i would certainly try some counseling in at attempt to move past this...it sounds as though you more than deserve it!

gl and let us know what you decide and how you're doing?

kd

[SS8282]

Welcome jewels. I am sorry about your ex-husband, but I am glad that not only have you tried reaching out and tried to understand, but you have met a nice man and are *happy*.

Anniversaries are very hard times for people. Why it is harder for you this year than previous years - I don't know. There are a few questions that I'd like to ask, if it's okay with you...

1) Do you see a therapist to help you deal with the traumas?

2) How is your teenage daughter doing?

Although it is easier said then done, I find that giving time (even years) will help - even if it's just a little. Perhaps being with your new beau will help. Try to concentrate on him more.

The people in this site are fantastic and I hope we can help you feel better.

Take care.

[jewels1900]

To answer your questions...no I have not seen a therapist about this. I've definitely thought about it lately though. As for my teenage daughter, she is now turning 21. She seems to be O.K. with it now. She was having nightmares about him for a while, but hasn't had any lately. She has been in a happy relationship for over a year now.
One nightmare I had recently was quite violent(him stabbing someone in the neck with a fork...yuck!).
As far as me not getting closure...that makes a lot of sense. One of my problems, I think, is the fact that he is still "hiding out" at his dad's house to this day(I spoke to a cousin of his that I ran into about a month ago). He is only 15 minutes away from where I live & I know that his dilusions change sometimes(he now thinks he is Brittney Spear's father in addition to thinking people want to kill him!!!!). I guess part of me is concerned that he may decide one day that I am "the enemy" & come after me...or decide to look for my daughter. I don't know if I can ever get closure on that fear.

[SS8282]

I hope you do decide to see a therapist. Your fear of your ex and his 'thoughts' are disturbing, and it certainly doesn't help that he won't go for help. How do his parents feel about all this? I think it would be hard getting closure until he is getting some help, and that you feel you can be safe from him.

Glad to hear your daughter stopped having nightmares.

Let me know what happens. Take care.

[(JD)]

Welcome to psychcentral jewels; you've come to a good place in your life!

Yes, I agree, you need some closure. Did you ever see the scoop on that lady that allows divorcees to smash their wedding rings and make a different item from it? While you probably don't need that, you do need to work out, for yourself, what happened, what you still feel responsible for, what things you had/have no control over.. so you can move on with your life and not feel guilty or any way bad from the past.javascript:void(0)
Come back and post often, there's a bunch of support and ideas here!

[jewels1900]

How do his parents feel about it?....His mom passed away from cancer when he was 17. His dad....what a big help he is....when my ex first went over there to "hideout" the father & my ex's uncle were in on the dilusion that people were out to kill him!!! In fac, they were his "bodyguards". They had a little "cult" going on over there. They had guns & knives out & ready for action & they had the doors to the house "booby-trapped" in case anyone tried to enter. The dad & the uncle took me aside & tried to convince me everthing my ex was believing was true! In fact, all three of them went to the local F.B.I. office to try & get "protection" for him. He told the F.B.I. officer he knew the names of mafia people who had made "hits" on people & he would help them in exchange for protection. He had told me he was talking to the local F.B.I. at one point, so when I was going through all this, I called the F.B.I. & the agent they talked to called me. He said he checked into the info he gave him & there was no basis in fact whatsoever.

[_Fly]

Welcome, Jewels. There are wonderful people here with insightful ideas and lots of support

hi, i would try a therapist for sure. i'm glad you came here. you'll find tons of wonderful and supportive people.....p