The Monster

Thanks!!! The pics in my sig are a tribute to cat. The two hearts cuz we love each other and the bear holding the shamrock is because he is Irish. The song has special meaning to both of us but for separate reasons, that was a coincidence.

Thinking of you, AG.

Hugs,
gg

Sweetie,
I obviously arrived in the psych lock-up ward after doing the dirty deed, so my route was different. But as I've described in poems like "Almost 6" and "Edge of the Atmosphere's Sapphire Arc," the reality of hospitalization is so very, very different from its negative portrayal in movies and on TV. When I went in, I literally wanted to die (and had made a hell of an effort); when I came out, the air never smelled so sweet out of doors and the world never seemed so big and wonderous and full of possibilities. Does this mean I lived happily ever after? Nope. Four months later, after a manic to depressiive crash-and-burn, I was out of work on disability for two months, as you well know. But I did learn an awful lot of coping skills on the ward. And I did learn that I'm not all alone in combatting my illness. And most of all, I did learn that there are people who care and are ready to jump in at a moment's notice to save my life. Perfect strangers. Hospitalization won't make you live "happily ever after," luv; but it's a great parachute, and much better than than the alternative. Without the hospitalization, I'd never have met you, albeit cybernetically and via the phone at this point. That would have been a lot to miss out on. Try to think of hospitalization as a temporary haven where you can regain your footing, with a lots of help from professionals and other people in the same position as you. I remember how utterly defeated I felt while sitting in the ward waiting to be registered and checked in. But I was just astounded at how much 24/7 support did for me by the time I walked out. Don't physically fight, whatever you do. Some of those male nurses are built like tanks, and in any case, they're all there to help you. I sure didn't want to go into the ward. But I'm sure glad I did. Honest. I'd never sugarcoat something like this for you. Put all those cinematic and television images out of your head. Maybe things were that way 30-40 years ago, but they certainly aren't now. Above all, protect yourself from harm, and if you don't think you can guarantee you won't hurt yourself, then get to the ER as quickly as you can. I had the same preconceptions as you do, and they were all wrong -- the ward turned out to be an incredibly nurturing place. Please listen to your kitty. Your one and only Cheshire Cat

Thanks gardnergirl. Hopefully I won't find myself in that position again but that's the nature of the beast and I probably will.

It's hard to get pre-conceived thoughts out of your head. Maybe I could ask for a guided tour with my sister with me? Not sure if they would do that or not. Maybe I should talk to my T and pdoc about that. Of course, this would alarm my sister since I always lie to her and tell her I don't get these feelings anymore. Not sure how well this would go over with her or the rest of my family for that matter. They'd probably trust me even less than they do now, if that's even possible.

I'd rather phone you instead but this all happened the night of your accident even though I didn't know about it then.

You could always come and hold my hand? Yea, I know, very unrealistic but it's what I'd want, besides if I was with you or at least could talk to you on the phone I wouldn't be suicidal anymore. Your love for me has always pulled me out of the abyss every time after you talk with me. This was the only time you weren't available since I've known you.

Hey poopers, and all this time we thought we we're helping
Angie

Well, this may help a little, luv. My brother was very apprehensive about visiting me in the hospital. But when our mum dragged him in he said he was shocked at how pleasant the surroundings were. It really doesn't look any different from most other hospital wards, and as in the case of me and Eleanora, you can make some close friends very fast. All I can say is that if it had been an unpleasant experience, I'd be the first to tell you. But it felt like a sanctuary where I was a young child again. Given towels and shampoo and soap and sent off to shower (in private). My bed made for me. My meals cooked for me. Always plenty of staff around to lend a sympathetic ear. Lots of group work (which has also been unfairly maligned in the movies and on television). 24/7 company if I wanted it, and I did. Or I could retreat to my room (although they didn't encourage this) if I needed some time alone. I felt wrapped in a blanked of companionship. We even had recreational therapy, pet therapy (a golden retriever), and art therapy. I desperately needed support at that time and found it at every turn. I'm not saying everyone's experience is going to be nirvana. But it is a very good place to be until the urge to hurt yourself fades away. Usually, a crisis intervention counselor will interview you and decide whether you ought to be admitted, and will explain your rights as well. I say usually because I came in not on my own two feet but in an ambulance with a slit wrist; my way is not the good way to come in. I wish now I had acted sooner. But the same kinds of apprehensions that are keeping you out kept me out a tick of the clock too long. In the end, I did want to live, but only discovered that by almost not making it. Better to come in -- if you feel you need to -- under less dramatic circumstances, luv. Take your kitty's advice. Cheshire Cat

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Hey poopers, and all this time we thought we we're helping
Angie

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You ARE helping, please don't think you're not. Everybody who reaches out to me is helping. ((((nothemama8)))))

I'm trying to feel differently, I really am but it's all unfamiliar territory and I'm afraid of the unknown. I like to stay in my apartment, which I call my *comfort zone*. Not to mention how much I would be thinking of my 2 kitties at home who love me and I can't sleep without. I'll work on this but it will also mean scaring my family and then they'd watch me like a hawk even more than they do now. That would feel suffocating.

right now I'm losing. I'm back in the abyss, falling deeper and deeper. I can even feel myself withdrawing within myself and not feeling like posting. As the hours go by today, my depression is falling deeper with each one. I can't find the power or even the energy to stop it. My energy has been totally zapped. I think I'll stop posting now. I can't do it anymore. I must withdraw within myself now.