i don't love my life situation..

Here's the deal.. I'm stuck! I don't do anything. I don't study, I don't go to work, I just AM.
That's of course mostly good, i don't think i could study or work, even the thought of going back in that world...
Problem with it is that i don't have any income, except naturally what the social insurance institute gives me to support rent (about 50%). So, my dad pays for everything. I could not feel more guilty about it

I COULD get social security and sickness benefit if I JUST WENT TO THE FRICKIN DOCTOR!!! then dad wouldn't have to have me as a parasite... When i moved in this apartment (which is much better than a person this age and especially in this situation SHOULD have), he said that this of course can't go on forever (like i didn't know that)
the doctor thing is just... i think i might rather just live in a box on the street
well anyway, time keeps racing forwards making me feel more and more guilty for remaining still. I don't think weeks have ever gone by faster than now, feels like "the edge" was coming closer and closer, cuz this CAN'T go on forever...

You are doing better than me! I'm not studying either, nor do I have a job right now. I have no mood or motivation. Very little, if any at all. I have no money, so it's kind of hard to pay bills. I don't get social security. I don't even have anything for a home. I *DO* live in my car. There is a shelter open 7pm-7am that I go to, but it's a different site every night, and they are only open October through April. We kind of go back to childhood there almost having babysitters, curfews, etc. It's warmer than outside, though--at least for most places. Some sites can be pretty cool inside!

...did i mention complaining about this made me feel guilty too? i know i have things pretty well, that's my huge "problem" i'm scared to death to talk to my dad cuz i'm afraid he'll bring up the money thing...

Ya know what? I'd be afraid, too. I'm always afraid someone will bring it up and hate when they do. As if I don't have enough to worry about, they don't need to remind me of it all! I'm lucky to be be in school, have a car, cell phone, etc, but finances scare me. I get a small check from my ex-husband for a little while from the divorce, which pays some of the expenses I have. It's not enough though.

My guilt would be eating at me too, like it's killing you now. Go to the doctor, talking to one can't be much worse than what you feel now huh?

*hugs*

I agree you should see the doctor. Why don't you? maybe I missed something. Is it pride or fear?

Please get help to stay safe.

I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation. I too, don't understand the doctor issue. I wish you'd give that a try. It sounds like it would eliminate some of your guilt and therefore you'd feel better about yourself. (((((neriz))))))

((((((((((((((inkblot)))))))))))

Neriz...I can relate. I work as much as they let me and I still can barely support my husband and myself. Luckily, my parents allow us to live in my grandfather's old house, rent free. If they didn't we would most likely have to live with them. I can usually pay all our bills, but when it comes to gas, food, or other "necessities" of that nature, my parents pay for it.

I hate it. I know how you feel being a "burden". My mom is putting off her own retirement because of me.

Just wanted to let you know, I know how you feel. When I get to feeling like you are, I try to be grateful that I have such wonderful parents. Not everyone is as lucky as you or I to have someone willing to help.

I hope things get better!

thank you for sharing that that actually makes me feel a little better

Karen, I am a mommy and I would do anything for my kids. Get yourself to the doc and apply for disability so you don't have the added burden of guilt. Be well.

Laura, while I can't relate exactly to the current situation, I did have to live with my folks for 3 months while I was in between jobs. My unemployment went to them and the bank. And I did feel guilty about having to fall back on them. So I can kind of relate. I guess my point (sorry for rambling) is that I agree with the others about your need to start therapy. You are a wonderfully warm and caring person and you deserve to feel good about yourself. Please be safe... be good. Much love.

Ryan

but It Is Not That Easy

Oh sweetie, we know it's not easy. I wish life was, just for one week would be nice, damn, even one day would be nice for a change.

What in particular makes it so hard for you to go to a doctor? I'm having a hard time understanding that.

(((((((((neriz))))))))))

((((((((((Laura)))))))))). Seeing a doc aint easy. I'm sweating seriously my appt on Monday since it's my first one with the t. I am falling back HARD on faith to get me through this one. And if you need a shoulder to lean on while you go through this, I'll be more than willing to hold you up in any way I can.

Ryan

I'm sorry sweetie that this is how you have to live your life. I wish things could be different for you. Please know that I care and I'm here for you. If you ever need to talk feel free to PM anytime. I'm always willing to lend a shoulder or two to cry on and I have a great listening ear. ((((((((((((inkblot))))))))))))

wuv u for understanding ryan

i don't wanna go trough all the reasons why i'm afraid of the doctor again it's just a very hard thought for me. A VERY BIG DEAL ...panic..

laura, do you have the same fear of a regular medical doctor? like a GP?

Ryan

what's a GP?

kinda... doctors always have bad news, and regular docs touch u and i hate it
t or p-docs are worse though cuz it's so personal..

Laura, GP = General Practitioner. Reason I ask is a regular doc can give you something for the anxiety that way you could see a pdoc or tdoc without all the nervousness. Just a suggestion.

Ryan

Ryan

really????

i thought about that once like kiddingly (well i thought that maybe my friend would give me some sedatives but the same idea) i didn't know that's possible. Kewl

(and now i'll probably dream about it and still do nothing )

Could u come here and drag me to the doc...?

Laura, if I could, I would.. you know that. But it's worth a shot. I hope you'll consider it.

Ryan