My Love Life

Does anyone else feel as if it's too much work at times? Am I nuts?
I'm not growing more isolated, in fact I am getting out more. I have so many things now that I want to do and I think I'm starting to "resent" spreading myself thin to maintain the relationship.

Is the lamictal kicking love out the door?

Yes it is too much work a lot of days...if you are starting to resent...maybe time to start scheduling time for yourself...block out the time...tell the person...sorry I already have plans at that time...it doesn't sound selfish and it allows you to offer a different time that doesn't spread you to thin...

(((((((((Pat))))))))))

Could it be that you are finding more interest in other things and that the relationship is lacking in some way? Are your other interests bringing you more joy, more fullfillment?

Hugssss
J

i've been really thinking about it and just talked to a friend.

i think that the fact that the last year has been so hard on me and i don't feel that he has understood what i've been through. my feelings are hurt. i e.mailed him about it but haven't received a reply.

i want a full life, but don't feel like working around something. is that wrong? shouldn't it be easier to just be?

xoxoxo pat

i've been thinking lately that relationships are more work than they are worth. i feel emtionally exhausted and don't feel i get enough out of us to be worth it. i also don't feel that he understands or appreciates how much he puts me through. he's not a bad person, just complicated. but i do love him. that is the big problem, lol.
my problem in regards to time is opposite. we don't have enough time together and have weeks where we don't see eachother or even speak on the phone. this is so he can concentrate on work. we have a long distance relationship, but we live in the same city.

Ah, Fayerody, dear one. Men are needy, you know. I know that you know this at some level.

Often, they are not terribly self-reflective; they often do not even know that they are needy.

Look at their behaviors. If the wife predeceases, many have a gf or new wife within the year. They need someone to plan the meals, socializing, pick up the dry cleaning, even to provide the honey-do list which they may grumble about but are lost without.

No wonder you feel that relationships can be too much work.

Still, it is not so long ago that you posted an identity list, and I believe the relationship (if I understood that list correctly) figured high as a good thing. Perhaps it is just that you have become so busy that you are having some trouble juggling.

It is good that you are reflecting on this to figure what is best for you. I hope it works out so that you can have more of the best of it, and less of the not-so-good parts.

hugs and hugs and hugs

PS -- Sorry for the stereotyping, guys. Of course, I don't mean you -- I mean all the other males. Wink.

Wants2fly

I agree with you about men in general. It works with my husband and I because we have a solid base. We trust each other, and we love each other very much. We've been together long enough for him to know when to leave me alone and when to give me a hug - well, not always, lol.

I rarely lean on my husband for emotional needs, only the big stuff like when my parents died or when I was first diagnosed with amyloidosis. I prefer to lean on understanding friends who have experienced similar problems. We serve as each other's sounding boards until we can figure out what needs to be done. We don't tell each other what to do. If anything, we just offer up suggestions to consider - but we don't judge each other's decisions.

The only men I've known who are good at caring for emotional needs have been gay.

I agree, Pat, it IS a lot of work! When I was dating, I spent considerable time getting ready or even planning getting ready for time together! As I look back on it now, it exhausts me just thinking about it! At the same time, if you already have a fella, you two must already know each others' quirks and needs for space, which is a good stage at which to arrive...not so much time in trying to get to know someone, impress, etc!
Love,
Patty

In a perfect world, we would all instinctively know what the other needed and wanted. Unfortunately...that ain't gonna happen *sigh*

They say that anything worth having in life is worth working for. I tend to believe that for the most part. If he is not filling a need that you really want to depend on him for, then maybe it is time to move on. But only after having a frank and open discussion about it so he has a chance to redeem himself. That's my opinion of course and you need to do what you need to do to take care of #1 Maybe right now isn't the right time for your relationship, maybe you have gone past the time that it was actually meant for? You know how people come into our lives and go out of our lives. The revolving door syndrome

I'm sure you will think long and hard about this situation and come up with what works for you. I wish you well m'dear!

Hugssssss
J

beenmarried 19 years. i feel i'm in my prime right now , i know, i'm depressed and full of anxiety and sex should be the last thing on my mind, i'm obviously back to front and inside out and my love life sux.

tried catching that spark again but must have rained in the night. no sparks flying here.

jin

I agree with you. Relationships are emotionally, mentally, and physically exhauting and what makes it worse is when its not worth it, why do any of us put ourselves through that for no reason. Why do I spend an hour just on my hair when not once in the last 1.5yrs has he ever said "wow you look nice" or something to that extent!!!

During the school year we basically have a long distance relationship as well. He goes to school full-time. I work full-time nights and go to school part-time. We see each other maybe 1 or 2 times every 2 weeks, enough for me to spend 2hrs getting ready so that I dont look like $%!@ for the 3hrs we might spend together talking about what he did at school all week, fighting, maybe hop into bed, and then I can go home or go to work. I was hoping summer would be better....

Not really looking forward to Sept...

I might put myself through this if I thought it was worth it, but I already wasted 5yrs of my life with a...well I wont say....but I dont want to do that again.

Hey, Fayerody, how's it going? Care to give an update?

i won't move to West Virginia...

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fayerody said:
I'm not growing more isolated, in fact I am getting out more. I have so many things now that I want to do

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I kind of feel the same way, fayerody. I am in the midst of a divorce and I just can't see myself marrying again, at least anytime soon. I was talking to my therapist about whether someday I would have a relationship again and told him I just didn't see it. I just can't imagine doing this again. And he said that I will discover where I want to put my energy in the future. Maybe it won't be into a relationship, but into my career, my hobbies, creative pursuits, travel, friend and family relationships, whatever. And maybe what works for me next year will change in a few years. I think it's OK not to do it all. I am quite looking forward to developing other parts of my life.

My husband and I (not divorced yet) were talking the other night about our plans for sharing custody of our kids and I said something like, well, this could change in a couple of years if one of us gets married again. And we kind of looked at each other and I said, I have no plans to do that, so it would be you. And he said, I'm not doing that. Sounds like after our experience, we are gonna be two marriage-shy folks.

sunrise, i have so much to do. my yard consumes so much of my time and i love it. it is just a few degrees from being sub-tropical where i live and everything grows.

and my photography and jewelry are just going nuts and all of my family will be nearby after the first of the month. i love this small town that i live in and am going to serve on the city adjustments commission. i'm very political and could even see running for a city office someday.

i love him, but not enough to just up and move away from all i know and re-adjust so much right now. maybe later....but not now......xoxoxo pat