[Crazy_Charlie]

Some facts:
I have three older siblings, each of them with their own family. My sister has three kids, 18, 13 and 5. My oldest brother has three kids, two of 13 and one of 10. My other brother has a son of two years old.

Since the first one was born and up till today, I have given them birthday presents and christmas presents every year. I havent always managed to send presents to their actual day (being a student over many years is not really lucreative), but I have always called, sent a card or in some way contacted them in one way or another to say happy birthday. And if I have forgotten it once or twice I have had an angry phone or message from the family about not saying happy birthday.

Thing is, yesterday my only child turned 2. My daughter got a happy birthday message from her uncle and cousin of two years old in her guestbook, but otherwise she hasnt heard a thing from anyone in my family. Her grandmother on the fathers side gave her a present on sunday, and yestrday she got a card and a phonecall. My mother gave her the birthday present around x-mas, but she didn't even send an sms saying happy birthday yesterday.

Its not that it's so important that they send presents, but I think they could send her at least a postcard. For all the babysitting I have done with all their kids the last 18 years, they could send her a simple postcard saying "happy birthday". For me this is lack of repect, towards all the attention and help I have given them ,and towards my daughter .

Am I so totally unfair then?

CC

[nothemama8]

Send them a message saying "thanks for the card" let them know how you feel

[Crazy_Charlie]

Hm, yeah, that is one of the things I have thought of. I think I'm going to wait and see how long time it takes before someone mention it and just hear what they say then. From former experience I know that I have to weigh my words carefully. You see, I am the youngest, and it takes some creativity to actually make people listen to what you say and take you seriously then, espescially if they have a reason to defend themselves. And now I don't want to blow my chance to really sho wthem how selfish they are without sending them straight into self defense modus.

But thanx It is certainly on my list of possible solutions, amongst more serious ones

[Crazy_Charlie]

The pain is coming more from other things than just this. You see, my siblings have a different father than I had, and I was born ten years after the youngest one of them. In many ways I was the spoiled brat that they often needed to teach a lesson, but I was also often just everyones favourite. Tho I was the only on ewho had a dad there, and he adored me. That was not always so easy for them to take, and I can understand that. The problem is that my mother has been lighting up under it on a regular basis, in addition to pushing me a bit out on the side as the "difficult one", the "immature one" and the "spoiled one".
When my father died my contact with the rest of the family has mostly been of politenes from my side. Its always me calling, or sending cards. Otherwise its my mother who is keeping the contact between us, and she is on a regular basis making sure that I take care of my siblings (supporting them in different ways, you know, I am after all the psychologist in the family).

I'll just wait and see now, how things go, if they will ever contact me, or send anything. If not, I can save myself for 7 poatscards and pressies the upcoming year (luckily my daughter is the first one of the year, except from my mom and sister )

Oh well.

[kimmydawn]

(((((((((((((((((((( cc ))))))))))))))))))))))

i don't think you're being unfair at all. it's one thing for someone to disrespect me, but if they do to the point of potentially hurting my child's feelings, the claws come out.

i'm sorry this happened for your daughter...and for you. i would call them on it...really. i think you're very appropriate in in anger and dismay that you may feel.

love,

when i was a young bride, i always went and got my sister's children and let them stay two weeks with us....we would do all of the fun things that living in a city provided. when my children got old enough to go visit with my sister's familys, they weren't invited. it really hurt them because they had heard all of the stories for years about their cousins coming to stay with us....i don't have an answer as i never confronted anyone about it. and as for trips with my relatives, evidently the highway is one way...i always go there and they never come here. it's too far, it's too cold, someone will have to feed the cattle, blah, blah, blah.....i sympathize with you and your daughter. love, pat

Maybe you could send them photos of your daughter with her birthday cake, and a "wish you were here" note. That oughta remind them...in a way which won't start a family civil war. I hate those. In my family, they last decades.

em

[Wants2Fly]

Charlie -- I don't think you are being unfair,either. I like Emily's suggestion.

The one thing that crossed my mind is not to teach your child the story that "this side of the family is uncaring, unfair, etc. She may not have much positive contact with them, and that will be hard enough. She doesn't deserve to tote around the negative judgments as her legacy, either. I'm not saying to paint them as saints, just to minimize expression of your hard feelings for her sake.

i agree with the last post. i never ever gave my daughters a negative impression about my sisters....they have a pretty close relationship now with the oldest one.......

[Crazy_Charlie]

I must admit that NOT giving negative impressions about them now and then is difficult, I sometimes wonder if we come from another planet. But the plan is to try to explain to my daughter why they do things so much different from us without putting in the negative aspect

As most other people, I have a weird family So there will always be things to explain. The most annoyoing thing is that there is always someone in war with each other. I managed to stay out of it untill I lived with my sister and her family for 5 months. My sister is not talking to me these days, but she did send x-mas pressies, so I was quite surprised when she didn't send any birthday pressie for my daughter. She has been very good in not pulling in the kids in the arguments before, so I'm starting to wonder what is behind this.

My oldest brother never remembers anything, so that is not a big surprise. Even though he carried me to the baptizing and has never forgotten MY birthday before, I can understand him not remembering my daughters. He is getting pretty pissed off if anyone forgets his children though, so I think he is a bit off now!

My mother ususally put her honour in remembering her grandchildren, so that is what hurts the most....

I'm going renovatiog in the house we just bought, so I'll reply more later!

CC

You are not being unfair at all. What you explained would definitely hurt for me if I were in your position.

I'm sorry about the lack of thoughtfulness shown by your family.

I'm happy to read you were so kind and thoughtful all this time. Kinda just confirms you're a nice person like we all suspected here.

Ok! Renevations of the new home!!! Photos of the in progress please if you can.

Let us see the before and after of your work Please??

[darkeyes]

Hi there,
I can't blame you for being annoyed, and you are right in being so.
I have had similar stuff with my relatives (adult age nephews and neice) hardly hear "thanks", so it was hard to do but I cut them off, I mean I have only one kid, they don't even send him a card, they don't acknowledge any of our birthdays, etc. it hurts a bit too, so I finally told my husband, that's it, we are not going to keep doing this anymore. Hey, I am not holding grudges, but a little respect in return would be nice.
I apologize to the viewers here if this seems childish of me, but after 27 yrs. it gets old.
So, I must say I agree with the poster her, she has a right to be annoyed, and I'd suggest doing what I have done. . . cut off the gifting, cards, etc. to those who can not take the time for your family.
You take care now,
DE

Charlie, I think that you're perfectly entitled to the feelings you have. I spent many a b-day/holiday calling my father cause he wouldn't call me and I remember very well how it felt. There was a time that I had to cut him and the rest of his family off. Now that they know how they made me feel, we are working on our relationships. Like DE said, it's not an easy thing to do, but it just may be the answer that you're looking for. Hope this helps.

[Crazy_Charlie]

Hello all,

and thank you for all the support

The last years I actually have been considering just stop being polite and "disapear", as in not doing anything to stay in touch. But. Their kids are nice, and I know them all so very well. I would like to stay in touch with them. But I have decided that from now on I will stay directly in touch with them and just skip the grown ups. In these cell phone ages practically all of them have their own cell, so that is easy enough I can't remember last time any of my siblings called me, so why would I call them? It's funny though, I used to think of us as a nicely connected family, but I guess we are just all too different.

My mother is the only one calling now and then, but I'd rather she didn't... she is maybe the one that bothers me most. We have never been getting along very well, but somehow she seems to think that I cannot manage without her. But every time I talk to her she manages to hurt me. She always ask a lot of questions of how I am and what I have been doing, and then she is not giving me the time to answer the questions. She is always rambling on about her whereabouts and the rest of the family. I have to weigh my words carefully, otherwise she thinks I am sking her to do something for me, or give me money or something. Honestly, I have been asking her twice in my whole life to help me out financially, and that was now recently... and pointless. When it comes to doing something for me, I cant remember when I last asked her about that. Its a while since I stopped. Pointless too. I asked her recently if she could help us out with paying for some paint when we bought a place. After all, she has been pushing and pushing to get us out of the place we are in now, but we havent been able to afford anything else. After explaining her that she didn't have to pay right away, she said she could buy a tiny bit of paint. Then last time I talked to her they said that when our house was readily renovated she and her boyfriend would come visit, but this time we had to pay all their food otherwise they couldn't afford going.

Sadly I was too polite to blurt out that we can't afford having visitors with all this renovation going on.... at least if she doesn't work for her food! I wouldn't mind if someone from my own family could help us out a bit if they come over to visit. I offered to pay my brothers trip to here if he could help us a bit with the renovation. He is a former carpenter, and has been working with carpenting for more thean ten years, so that would have been very good. I know that he never has money though, so he could never afford going here without me paying. I had earlier asked my mother if she could help a bit on the plain ticket (second time I asked), he is her favourite child and he ios the only person she is helping out financially. Didn't take very long before she called and announced that my brother couldn't afford going over now, so we would have to wait with that untill at least summer.

Well, too bad, because then we have to use the money for the plainticket to pay for a carpenter here instead. I dunno what she has said to my brother, but he hasn't really been in touch with me the last weeks, sometimes I wonder if he is avoiding me... though he was the only one saying happy birthday to my daughter. Even though we actually spent more money than we could afford, and saved up holiday, to go up to him for a week when he was going to court to get custody for his child. We spent most of the time in a plain, bus, train or car, for two days of waiting outside the courtroom and me witnessing for 25 minutes. Somehow my mother expected us to be there just like that, as if we are rich. It's a long travel with a child of two years.... the Netherlands to Lofoten in Norway. It's just as far as from Canada to Florida, or something like that. Oh well.

I don't know. My mother has always been saying negatives things to me and my family about me, maybe thats why I'm pushed a bit on the side. When I was alone and pregant, and hardly had money to buy enough food, I got pelvic problems, I had to nag and nag to get help from my oldest brother who lived 15 minutes walk away (always so busy you see). I was 50% invalide of the pain, and it was cold winter in Norway. My doctor said I had to get myself a proper chair, otherwise I would risk making it worse. I called my mother and told her what the doctor said, where she immediately said that she was broke (before I had asked her about anything). I happen to know her income, and she must be spending quite a lot to manage to get completely broke, but thats another story. After that she continued with that I should use honey on my porridge in the morning becaus ethat was good for me that was pregnant ("and not just rolled oak with raisins and water, duh... thats baaad"). Forgetting that the only reason I ate porridge was that I could not afford anything else (honey cost a fortune in Norway)..


Blablablablablabla... I know this is totally boring, but sometimes I just need to get it out of my system.

CC