[LMo]

(I posted this question in "Ask the Therapist", too. Maybe someone here can give me some insight as well, since many of you know me quite well. Sorry for the repeat of information on my story)

I am a 35 year old married woman, and have been responsible to a "tee" ever since my mom died when I was 15 and I took over management of the house and the care of my younger brother. As an adult, I quickly developed an excellent career and started my own business at 26. I have also had very good success with real estate investments. I take great strides to remain organized and productive. By all accounts, I have led a responsible and successful adult life and have been happy with my multiple achievements in various aspects of life and career.

One thing I have NOT been good at is achieving balance. My first marriage collapsed because my ex-husband was unhappy with the amount of time I devoted to work. Although fitness and health is very important to me, it often gets pushed onto the back burner as I juggle clients and now grad school. And now, at 35, I find myself overly extended, disappointing others because I can't keep all of my commitments, and even though this year I made a big resolution to balance my life better (hired a life coach and am also focusing on this topic with my therapist), I am more out of balance than before. I feel like I am not giving 100% to anything I do. It feels out of character for me because I used to be able to juggle as many things and still feel that I did a great job. Now I feel like I am doing a half-assed job at too many things.

I recently started taking 10mg/day of Lexapro after my physician expressed his concern about 5 stress-related symptoms I had had visits for, as well as for the pressure I was under taking care of my current husband, who had been severely depressed and unemployed for two years (he's better now). It has been hugely helpful and I feel calm and relaxed for the first time in my life. I never realized that I was feeling anxiety, but I now realize that it was a big motivator for me.

I don't know if the Lexapro is reducing my motivation, but I do think I am slipping in terms of my responsibilities. I think it preceded the Lexapro, to be fair, but I'm now getting a little bit of feedback about it from my teachers, classmates, and colleagues. I also think I'm burned out from working as hard as I had been but I don't know how to break the bad habit. I'd like to find a 'happy medium', and am disappointed that although I made a solid commitment earlier last year to myself to find balance, I am more out of balance than before, and have even taken things to the extreme. I am overextending myself more than I already had been in the habit of doing, but am not doing a good job. This is contrary to everything I was trying to achieve.

What can I do to get myself back on track? I feel like I need an outline of baby steps from someone who completely understands my situation. I am writing this for you, but will also print and bring it to my therapist, because I don't want to let things slide any further than they already have. I own our house and am the financial provider in my relationship, but also would like to have children in the next year or two. I have too many responsibilities to start failing, and I am concerned about the way I have been behaving -- I need to nip this problem in the bud!

Thanks for listening and for any advice you can give,
Lee Ann aka LMo

Lee Ann, first let me say ((((((((((Lee Ann))))))))))

I have to disagree with you on one point. While you may FEEL irresponsible, your achievements speak volumes to the contrary. So here's the deal. You have done so well for yourself and now it seems like too much to handle. Am I right? When I feel this way I have to make a list of the things I'm trying to accomplish, my goal list. In this list, I make sure to include what it's going to take to achieve that goal and try to plan my time accordingly. Have you ever heard the tale about the professor and the glass with the ping pong balls, the sand, and the coffee? If not I'll try to find it. Basically the moral is that if you fill your life with the small stuff, there's no room for the big important things. But if you attack the important things, the little ones just kind of fall into place. I find that when I put my goals in order of priority it seems easier for me to focus on what I'm doing and how to do it. May I ask if your hubby is on any meds or if he sees a therapist? If he doesn't, would he be willing to go? That might take a huge load off of you as well. I'm not sure this is the response you're looking for but I hope some of it helps. Take care Lee Ann.

Ryan

[LMo]

Thanks Ryan. I am familiar with the tale -- I think someone also recently posted it here, in fact. I'm just disappointed in myself because I used to be really good at juggling and now I'm not doing it as well. I am good at prioritizing, but the things that don't make it to the "Top 10" list are still important, and I don't like that I can't meet my commitments.

My husband is also on Lexapro and also Strattera, and we go to therapy together. However, he is completely different from me and cannot relate to how I take on so many things at once. There are SOME lessons I could learn from him, but I don't consider him to be a productivity role model, either -- not sure if it's due to his ADD or something else, but he gets overwhelmed very easily and unfortunately I think I'm on my own for this problem. He's supportive, though.

I don't know -- I'm feeling very down on myself right now and just want to go back to sleep. I won't, though, because that would be shooting myself in the foot.

To make it worse, my high-maintenance parents are visiting and I just found out that they invited six people over for dinner tonight. Just what I need -- a 10-person dinner party on the night my final exam is due, prior to leaving at 6am tomorrow to fly to San Francisco for work.

Thanks Ryan, for being a pal.

LMo

[Isolated_Guy]

I look at this from a different perspective and think how much you've achieved for someone your age or any age. I admire you for your motivation.

Maybe you're setting your other expectations too high.

I've heard this term "life coach" before and can't help but wonder what qualifies ANOTHER individual to "coach" YOUR life?

So many people, including me, would give anything to be where you are in life.

[LMo]

Thanks Guy -- I'm not feeling bad about what I did in the PAST. I'm feeling bad about how I am behaving NOW. I know I did a good job in the past. My behavior now is uncharacteristic; I don't like it and I want to get myself back on track.

Thanks for replying, Guy. What do you do when you find yourself lacking motivation (if that ever happens to you)? Any tips?
Regarding the life coach -- I didn't take offense at it. It's not like she was giving unsolicited advice. I don't have a lot of people I can ask for mentoring, so I figured that hiring a coach would be a good idea for someone like me.

[Isolated_Guy]

I'm just concerned about this concept of a life coach. I guess my point is (and it's just my opinion) that someone you hire, a stranger when you think about it, doesn't really know the true you. Maybe it can end up helping, who knows, but there's just something about that notion which doesn't sit right for some reason.

[LMo]

Well, it's not much different than going to a therapist. I originally hired her, in fact, for some career redirection planning. And of course she's a stranger at the beginning, but part of what happens during the first few sessions is that she GOT to know me. I wanted some objective feedback, and a stranger is a great person to give that. It did help to some extent. I haven't had a manager in almost 10 years, so I never get any performance reviews, professional development coaching, constructive criticism, feedback, etc. It's not my clients' job to help me grow. That's why I hired her -- I'm ready to stretch myself.

Hmmm, it sounds to me that you're already stretched too thin. I'm sorry that I wasn't much of a help. I can say though that there is only so much one person can take on before getting overwhelmed to the point of shutting down. Sometimes it feels like everything has to get done now. I know that for me it isn't true. I'm not sure if that is or isn't true for you. For me I have to focus on the tasks that have to get done right now and worry about the ones for tomorrow when tomorrow comes.

[LMo]

You were a help simply by caring, Ryan!

How do I stop myself for stretching so thin... and become thin at the same time?

[DocJohn]

I'm speaking more from experience myself, not so much as a professional...

I feel that as many people get older, they lose some of their previous abilities or skills, especially in the organization department. It is challenging to balance all of the demands of life successfully. It becomes even more challenging as we age, because our minds, I believe, simply aren't as quick as they once were.

So the first thing I'd counsel is acceptance. Acceptance that things that once came easily may no longer come as easily. You have to change with that acceptance, and find new ways to adopt. That means, perhaps, giving up doing as much as you've done in the past. And using other methods to make up for that loss of ability. For instance, I've never been much of a calendar/to-do list kind of person. Until I got older, and I found using an appointment calendar and lists like that more helpful to keep me better organized.

Of course, what works for me or someone else may or may not work for you. You need to find you own methods that are most helpful to you.

The hardest part is accepting that maybe, just maybe, you're not this superhuman person who do everything you did a decade ago. And that may take time...

Good luck!
DocJohn

[LMo]

???? I'm NOT superhuman ??? What! ;-)

You're probably right about that. I just don't know how to slow down. I would give a limb for a 'normal' life where I can barbeque on a weekday evening, or take ceramics classes, or just sit and read a book for leisure.

I want to change but I don't know how. I think I can accept that I can't do everything I used to or want to do, but how do I learn to pace myself?

Thanks so much for everyone's replies -- I really appreciate it. I'm sitting here hitting "refresh! refresh!" every 30 seconds because I'm feeling so desperate for advice right now

Thanks again,
LMo

LOL... if I knew the answer to the getting thin part I'd most certainly tell you. As far as the other goes, it's a simple solution that is hard to impliment. Just don't take on anything else until you get what's already on you plate under control. It's so hard to do cause there's a trillion things I want to do but I know that I'll never get them all done. I guess you just have to accept that you NEED some you time do do something that YOU want to do. For me it's spending time with you guys. This is my free time and I couldn't have better people to spend it with. I hope you can find some piece and what seems like a needed break soon. I can somewhat relate to what you're talking about through my sister. I'm the oldest but I look up to her. She is a dance instructor. She's been dancing since she was 3. It's all she's ever wanted to do. She'll be 22 in a month and she teached 40 to 60 hours a week, takes 15 to 18 hours per semester towards a business management degree and somehow still manages to find time to make trips all over the country for dance competitions and such and th make the Dean's List every time. I just don't have that level of dedication. I respect and admire everything you've managed to accomplish in your few years. When all else seems to fall apart, look back on the things you've done in your life and give yourself a HUGE pat on the back. Hope it helps.

[LMo]

You're awesome, Ryan. I'm really glad you're here. Thank you.

On that note, let me ask your opinion. My school term is about to end, and Spring classes start on March 28 (2 weeks!). Maybe a good start would be not taking a class next term. But... that would put me behind schedule, and I may come to regret the 'luxury' of taking a term off. For example, as I mentioned, I'm 35 now. I don't want to take the risk of postponing pregnancy much longer, but I am required to complete my degree within 5 years. I'm neither pregnant nor have kids at this moment, and I realize that once I do have them, my time will be even MORE limited. So, that in mind, I should take as many classes now as possible, right?

But I'm stretched too thin, as you pointed out. School is completely voluntary for me. I could simply not register for next term. But... is that considered to be short-term thinking? Lazy? A big mistake?

I think Doc said in the actual words what I was trying to say with my sister tale. I always was able to accomplish many things and to run at a break neck pace. Not so much anymore. You mentioned that you can accept that you may not be able to do everything you once could. I think that's the first step. I had to force myself to slow down. Sometimes I know that there are things I should do, but I also know that I'll drive myself crazier than I already am if I don't take some time for myself. Take today for instance. I have a several hours of paperwork due on Tuesday. I have an easy day scheduled tomorrow where I'll have a few hours at work with nothing to do. So instead of wasting some good Sunday "Me Time" doing work, I'll do it tomorrow after I finish the few tasks I have to do. Some call it procrastinating, but I call it time management. I'm going to be in the office tomorrow whether I have anything to do or not. Might as well do the paperwork tomorrow and enjoy today.

As far as the class thing goes, how long do you have to finish? It sounds like you're wanting to finish school before you have children? Is that right? BTW, I'm glad you're here too.

[LMo]

Class -- I have 4.5 years to finish before I lose the credits for the earlier years. I don't intend to finish it before I have kids... but I do know that kids'll take a lot out of me so I should probably take as many classes as I can while I still "have time".

I actually don't even care if I get the degree or not. It's more a matter of how much I can learn. I already have my undergraduate in Business so an MBA from a school nobody has heard of only makes a marginal difference as a credential.

Well, if you really don't care about the degree, then why not just take some classes for the fun of it. If the degree doesn't really matter then I wouldn't worry about it. Even if you don't have the degree, you still have the knowledge that will help you with your job. That way it doesn't have to be so stressful. Maybe I'm off in left field here. Just a thought.

[LMo]

Thanks Ryan -- that's how it started. I didn't set high expectations and made it clear to MYSELF that school would be a 'nice to have'. Consequently, it takes a back seat to work and took a back seat to my honeymoon. However, what has bitten me in the butt is that one of my professors kind of chastized me while I was on my honeymoon for not participating enough during that week and a half, and unfortunately most business classes require team projects. I didn't do as much for my team as I wanted to, and consequently my peer review indicated (I'm having a hard time admitting this) that although I completed everything on time, my teammates were nervous that they would have to do my work for me because there was a period of a few days when I was incommunicado. One of my teammate accidentally posted her review of me publicly instead of privately to our instructor, as she was supposed to, so I had the 'benefit' of reading her feedback on me directly. I had made a conscious decision to let school take a backseat, but now I feel like an unreliable piece of poo.



LMo

I'm not sure why she would do that but it seems wrong to me. And if you've completed your work on time every time, then how come they're worried about having to do your work? And for that matter, who could blame you for taking some time off to celebrate the beginning of your marriage? Sounds to me like they're uncaring.

[LMo]

I don't know. Business school can be very aggressive. My professor's reaction is kind of what I expected, even though I notified her ahead of time. They seem think that an MBA is the most important thing you could ever do with your life, and that is not how I see it. The classmate, however... well, if I was not a good teammate, then I do want to know that. I don't think it was unfair... I took it as confirmation that I *am* slipping. I'm not meeting my responsibilities as I should. That's kind of what prompted this post.

Sigh.

Doc John was sooooooooo right when he said we lose some organizational skills as we age....I sure have. I used to be able to go to a rodeo, photograph, drive 1200 miles home, develop the film, print, write an essay about that rodeo and have it all done the third day back....if you held a gun to my head now, i couldn't do it. we just naturally lose some speed and detail stuff as we grow more mature. i sorta see you waffling back and forth between time for you and time for school. would it hurt if you took a semester off? you might discover some things about yourself that would surprise you. and i have another idea for you.....ask your ob-gyn to do the bloodwork that will tell you if you're in peri-menopause. i know you're just 35 and you plan to have children but peri-menopause is where i first noticed myself "slipping" on my organization skills. if you are in peri-meno, you can sit down and plan the next five years and know what your deadlines are. if you're not, great!research is now showing that peri can start in our thirties. AND please take some time for yourself and your husband...okay?? this is from one ole chick to a young one!! xoxox pat p.s. if you have a male physician, he might pooh-pooh the idea of the test, but if you want it done, press for it......

[LMo]

Oh. My. God.

peri-menopause????? something like that EXISTS??? aaaasgggghhhh

Okay. Panic moment over. I'll check into it. Thank you so much, Fayrody!

[Wants2Fly]

Hi LMo --

People keep telling me that I've got to accept that aging may be slowing me down -- so it was interesting that this notion turned up for someone 20 years younger than I.

First, it does sound to me as if paring down your responsibilities is in order. I, too, would question the value of an MBA for someone who is self-employed. Aren't non-credit educational opportunities available by joining business organizations and so forth? Adding in the competitive atmosphere of business school and the attitude you've encountered, taking a semester off to consider things sounds reasonable.

Second, if you are planning to have children, a lot of ducks need to be in a row in terms of handling being the financial provider and making time for children. I've seen so many women pulled apart when they had to work and had sick children at home, etc., that I decided not to have children. I have regrets now, but I always knew that this was not a choice without costs. Will your husband be a house-husband? Will his depression interfere with his parenting abilities?

Last, I also have some reservations about coaches. They are not licensed, as therapists are. I considered getting a coach to be my cheerleader in the depths of my depression. I talked it over with a T who suggested that bec. a coach would not have training to deal with clinical depression, a rah-rah goal setting approach could tilt me in the wrong direction. So I hope that you've done your homework in selecting a coach. I also hope that the goal-orientation of coaching isn't increasing your anxiety, instead of alleviating it.

You have achieved so much for someone your age, LMo. Are you Wonderwoman in disguise? (kidding, kidding)

(((((((((((((((((((((((((LMo))))))))))))))))))))

and because we, as females, get to have so much fun........there's post menopause!!!! (my first really intense hot flash hit me while i was standing behind the chutes at the Indian National Finals rodeo in Albuquerque, NM...i thought it was a reaction to the cowboy standing next to me!! alas...my doc straightened me out. )

[LMo]

I am so frustrated right now that I feel like I will either burst into tears or explode. Neither of which would be satisfying enough.

So we ended up with 10 people at our house for dinner tonight. I didn't invite them -- my parents, who are visiting from out of town, did. My stepmother promised that she would do all of the work so I could finish my final exam for school and get ready to travel tomorrow morning, but of course she had a million questions where things were and then the guests started to arrive... and needless to say I didn't finish my stuff. She then sat and watched me do my homework, for some weird reason that normally wouldn't bother me, but I have had NO privacy in days. Then she watched me clean the cat litter box. Then she watched me do laundry. Finally she went to bed and now it's almost midnight, and I still have to pack for tomorrow. Which isn't easy to do, because we have piles and piles of clean laundry in the bedroom which needs to be put away. Some of the piles have been there for two weeks. Our "system" is supposed to be that I put half away and my husband puts the other half away. Only his half usually stays where it is until I get sick of not being able to find my clothes. So up until two minutes ago when I wanted to strangle him with his undershirt, I was putting laundry away so I could find enough clothes to take with me for the week.

I'm really affected by the comment from my classmate, and by the fact that my stepmom felt she had to vacuum my house and my parents shook their head at my garden because both were, according to them, "a mess". Mind you, my parents have ridiculously high standards when it comes to how a house and garden should look. I have a cleaning lady that comes once a week, and I'm pretty clean to begin with. Our garden is really incredible -- it does need a little cleaning and thinning, but overall, I'm really proud of it. I feel like I do the work of three people and yet I got criticized by my classmate and my parents for not doing enough. I am so hurt and angry right now. My parents also both lectured me that my husband doesn't do enough and it bothers them that I do all the work. They are right... I do way more of the housework than he does but the fact is that I don't know what I can do about it. I would love for him to help me more, but if I ask him, then he gets upset and starts defending the stuff he DID do, and says that his efforts are never good enough for me. Great. Thanks. And I feel even more pressured after my parents point it out, and I don't know if he purposely retreats when they are around or if I'm just more self-conscious about it, but it DOES seem like he does very little when they are there. He's understandably uncomfortable around them, but it's like he doesn't even try and then I get more defensive toward them and more resentful toward him.

I feel like I'm at my wit's end. I always get like this when I'm around my parents, but I thought that the Lexapro and therapy were helping enough to get me through this trip. In a few hours, I will be on a plane to San Francisco and when I get back they'll be gone, thank goodness. But then I feel guilty because my dad is 82 and his health is declining, so I feel like a bad daughter for not being able to get him out of my house fast enough.

Sorry for the brain dump. I needed to get it out but didn't know where else to go. I think I'll take an Ativan, even though I promised myself I would get through this without it.

Thanks for listening -- I can't access this site from where I'll be, so if you reply, I won't see it until Thursday.

Thanks again,
LMo