[salukigirl]

i don't know if i'm even posting this in the right section but i feel kind of desperate. it's like, when i get angry, i have no control over myself. i feel like im a stranger watching myself get so amazingly angry over nothing and theres nothing i can do about it.

it feels like there is a logical half of my brain and a crazy half and the logical half, i can hear it in there screaming "no! don't say that!" but then the crazy half beats up the logical half and i say it anyways and just escalate the situation.

its extremely frustrating and a little scary and i feel helpless. I have no idea where this came from or how to fix it. I just hate myself so much after I have one of these episodes. I feel like I am incapable of having a healthy, long-lasting relationship. Has anyone else ever felt like this? I just don't know what to do anymore. Not being able to control what i do and say when I get angry is making me feel worthless and like a totally horrible person.

[pachyderm]

Not at all worthless or horrible, saluki. Very familiar pattern. The only thing I can think of to say is to try to learn from it: observe yourself doing things that you really would rather not be doing, and learn, learn, learn, why it is happening. If possible!

[Veda]

I've never felt like that but I had a family member who felt the way you do. He tried anger management therapy and it worked for him. You may not know the source of your anger but you don't have to, to be successful at anger management.

[FooZe]

Originally Posted by salukigirl

... it's like, when i get angry, i have no control over myself. i feel like im a stranger watching myself get so amazingly angry over nothing

Some years ago I used to volunteer helping to set up and rearrange rooms for long, intensive weekend workshops. I loved doing it, but it was also very arduous; we were often at the site for 18 or 20 hours at a stretch, with lots to be done and breaks for eating and napping few and far between.

During one such workshop, the participants were outside taking a break and the rest of us were rushing to finish rearranging the room before they got back. I felt like I was running on borrowed energy and was looking forward to getting my part of the job finished so I could sit back and recover a little during the next phase. I'd been working on something in one corner of the room and needed to get something from the opposite corner, maybe 60 feet away. I was walking very fast across the room so I wouldn't fall asleep on my feet. There in the exact middle of the room was one stray chair all by itself, right in my way. I was completely outraged! That chair seemed to be standing in that exact spot for no other purpose except to force me to change course and walk around it. I was on the point of kicking it across the room (quite likely breaking my foot in the process) when it somehow occurred to me that that might not be the most efficient solution to my problem of getting across the room and back and finishing my job.

So as to salukigirl's question, "Has anyone else ever felt like this", I'd say: yes. As to what to do about it -- I have no advice beyond inviting it to "somehow occur" to you -- as it did to me then -- that you, too have other options.

I volunteered at many such workshops, at least 20, and got a bit frazzled at least once during most of them. I never did actually kick any chairs across the room, though, so at least in my case, that strategy of inviting sanity to "somehow occur" to me did seem to be working.

[babydaddy]

Yeah, I actually used to deal with episodes very similar to anxiety attacks where I would really lose control of my mind. Sometimes I just had to lay down and put myself to sleep to get out of them. Sometimes I would do things that later on seemed bizarre to me (like walking out of a restaurant in the middle of a meal, or leaving town during Thanksgiving and telling my whole family to %&$# off). In those cases, it was like being 2 different people. I've also dealt with severe anger issues and often recommend to people that they find a way to channel it into something aggressive but constructive. For me hitting a heavy bag, chopping wood, or even playing music is very cathartic.

All of that said - I think the behaviorists would probably recommended that you try to understand the warning signs where you sort of get wound up to the point that you can't be rational anymore. If you can recognize those warning signs and find a way to just go sit down - even if you have to excuse yourself to the bathroom or something - and do some breathing and relax for a few minutes, you can basically retrain your mind to calm down instead of winding up to irrationality. It takes some patience and a little discipline, but I can say from experience that it works and is a better alternative to lashing out at others.

[salukigirl]

that makes sense. i dont really know what i could do for the cathartic feeling. i played guitar for 12 years but havent in a long time and i used to write a lot. but i dont even feel like i have any time to myself to find something that could be calming to me. i go to school full time, have 2 jobs, have an internship this summer plus summer school plus i volunteer at the humane society. so i dont even feel like i have any time to myself to just kind of unwind. or anything that i have all to myself. feels like everything i do, my bf does with me. i feel bad asking him to just let me do something by myself though. like even going to the grocery store by myself would be nice. maybe thats why this has started so suddenly?

i guess, since he doesnt do as much as me he has a lot of alone time and just doesn't realize that his alone time is my work time and that i never really get time to myself. because i dont feel like ive always been this way. maybe i just need to get away from everything. ugh.

[FooZe]

Originally Posted by salukigirl

... i dont even feel like i have any time to myself to just kind of unwind. or anything that i have all to myself... like even going to the grocery store by myself would be nice. maybe thats why this has started so suddenly?

i guess, since he doesnt do as much as me he has a lot of alone time and just doesn't realize that his alone time is my work time and that i never really get time to myself... maybe i just need to get away from everything. ugh.

I think you're on to something there! BTW, some people use meditation (they make time for it, obviously) for that very purpose.

----------------------
I have a lot of emotional baggage. I pile it all into the closet and go out to play.

[artie]

In a sense the angry brain and the rational brain are two different species, the reptilian part of the brain gets angry, the uniquely human part of the brain can be rational, they often don't cooperate.

Relaxation, deep breathing, exercise, time out can be ways of putting the rational brain back in control.

Anger can be addictive, not everyone believes catharsis is a good idea, doing it a lot may just make you want to do it more and more.

"How to Deal with Emotionally Explosive People" by Dr A Bernstein has quality, in depth, reasonably readable stuff on it.

[babydaddy]

I would agree that catharsis is really just a way to treat the symptom, not the problem. But if it works in the short term and provides enough relief to work on the bigger issues, then I'd think that's a positive.

As for not having time to yourself - This sounds like something you can potentially control. If you have too many things on your plate, you might consider throttling back on one of them or giving it up temporarily. And certainly there's no reason to feel bad about needing time away from your bf. I love my wife and baby daughter very much, but I still need time alone to take care of myself. It's not something to feel guilty about. It's perfectly normal to want some time alone, even if it's just to go shopping. Funny, some of my best alone time is spent watching a TV show on my iPod while I'm holding my daughter and she's fallen asleep. I'm not physically alone, but my mind is elsewhere for 30 mins or so at least.

[nightbird]

I did something for myself in the home area as I can't go out just anywhere these days...do to germs and stuff (my immune system is like a baby's right now, until it gets built back up) ...

anyway ... I made an inspiration table off my bedroom, right outside the sliding doors where there is a little deck ...

it has been so wonderful for me as a result of this effort, I'm being inspired... go figure?

I have my iconic stuff there, some snowglobes, pictures of my daughter and son-in-law, and cards, and books, and sketch book, and all kinds of writing/drawing utensils on there, and flowers everywhere around, japanese lanterns that work at night, and a wood chime, and little things, like that are symbolic of my innermost desires and hopes... even a little dog for a friends kids who wish for one... you get the idea...

my best find for the table is this wonderful brass laughing buddha, he is dancing and laughing ~ so full of joy ~ I look at it and smile ... I also put a rosary around his neck, lol. And a swarovski necklace (small bicone), so he is so elegant now also! I even hung a string of tibetan prayers over the desk, up on top where the overhead cover is, (which is the upper deck, lol)

I also found that John Lennon needs to be there, and Marylyn, and Elvis, so they are with Lucy and Rickie Rickardo...

I have Barak on top of a box where some crafty tools are... that was sent to me by Joe Biden after the campaign... my thank you gift! yippee!

This inspiration table is for my healing, and whatever else I'm inspired to allow into my life from my time being there...

Anyway, my thought for you was that even setting up a space where nothing else goes on, but you and your inspiration ~ would be nothing short of wonderful!!!!

I can go to my table for ten minutes, and leave renewed, you know.

Hope you can find a spot, maybe for your music, and add things as you are inspired... even if it's in a closet, you can find a little space.

When I can figure out how to take the phone pics and put them on here, I'll put up some pics... maybe I'll find my camera (duh) and take some... but I will put them on PC soon...because I think it's a healing ~ happy thing to do, and it doesn't quite fit in our self-care baskets, but it gives us a place for the self care stuff... (;

Peace and Calm to you,
Nightbird

[ToolandAPCrocks]

it feels like there is a logical half of my brain and a crazy half and the logical half, i can hear it in there screaming "no! don't say that!" but then the crazy half beats up the logical half and i say it anyways and just escalate the situation.

That reminds me a lot of Id and Ego... don't you think?

Just your raw reaction or impulsiveness, vs your thought out/processed action... I can understand where you are coming from, sometimes you just can't take it anymore and you "lash" out with words or in some cases physically. I get that way a lot... I used to have to meditate or listen to music everyday to keep myself calm. Anger management would be a good idea (would have been a good idea for me too) and/or chill out time every night before bed.

[eskielover]

I think you did hit on the reason why you are feeling the anger you are feeling"

"but i dont even feel like i have any time to myself to find something that could be calming to me. i go to school full time, have 2 jobs, have an internship this summer plus summer school plus i volunteer at the humane society. so i dont even feel like i have any time to myself to just kind of unwind. or anything that i have all to myself. feels like everything i do, my bf does with me."

I don't know how many units you are considering full time, but that in itself is a full time job trying to study & get the good grades so your education will pay off in the long run.....not sure what your major is, but some majors can to completely demanding. I am assuming that you have to have your 2 part time jobs to pay for school & living expenses.

I am sure that your summer internship has to do with your major & is important to your graduation as is your going to summer school.

That strange thing watching yourself is what my pdoc called depersonalization (a lesser version or dissociation).....caused by stress. It happened to me when I was under a horrible load of stress & there was nothing I could cut out of my life at that time...it had to do with a trauma I was going through.

You are overloading yourself with everything you are doing in your life & that is causing your stress. Your reaction to the stress is the anger because your mind knows that it needs a break & you aren't giving it what it needs, so it's lashing out at the things around you.

Just going to the market alone isn't going to cut back on everything you are piling ontop of yourself. You can't find time for meditation if you aren't willing to cut back on something in your life.

I know your desire to volunteer at the humane society, but I would look at that as something you can do later in life when you do have extra time that you can give outside of yourself. Right now, that seems to be the one thing that isn't manditory in your life & that would give you just that little extra time for yourself that it seems you are needing desperately. Right now, you need to give that time to yourself otherwise you are going to break & won't be able to finish school.

I know I used to push myself to the breaking point all the time.....people would ask me to do something & it would turn into something more than I had time for, so I would have to analyze my time & cut back in the places where I could....places that weren't critical to my future success in school & the career I was aiming for. I knew that once I finished school & had my career going, I would have the time to volunteer. Even then I had to be careful about overloading as I enjoyed doing those things.

The problem is we only have 24 hours in a day & when our requirements overflow those 24 hours & we don't have any time for ourselves (other than to sleep hopefully)....then it is time to cut out the things that aren't a requirememt & don't give us the money, the education, the sleep, & the relaxation we need to survive.

Just a thought from someone who has been there myself while working on my career. On top of that, the time I had set aside to study, my husband would pressure me to go have fun when I knew exactly how much time I needed to study for the midterm. When I told him to get lost, he didn't respect me needs & tried to make me feel guilty for knowing what I need to take care of myself.....I never did let him pressure me.....because I knew that it would only be the straw that broke this camels back & I wasn't going to let him do that to me.

It is important to understand your needs, & time manage yourself....especially when you are feeling this way because you are already at that snapping point or you wouldn't be having the reaction you are having.

Hope you can analize your situation a bit more....as you did hit on your problem in your last post on this thread. Sometimes it's not always easy to see the solution even when we hit on the problem until we can analize where we can cut back.

Take care,
Debbie

[salukigirl]

eskie - i seriously wish i could hit thanks a thousand times on here. I'm going to talk to the woman that runs my part of volunteering and asking her if she can find someone else to cover my part of it.

The 2 jobs are to pay for school but that ends in August. I got a fellowship that pays more than both my jobs combined and is doing something I enjoy. Whereas, now, I work at a desk and deliver pizzas. Neither of which are all that fulfilling.

He practically begged me to go with him to STL this past weekend and I finally did stand firm and say no. And, honestly, sitting on my couch, watching the Simpsons and drinking wine was such a relief. I still got my studying done, got to sit at the library by myself for a few hours, and got to just chill out for a couple days.

I told him yesterday that I think the reason I'm freaking out is that I need more time to myself. He said he understands that he doesn't realize it because he has HIS alone time but when he's having his alone time....I'm at work. So I never really get any time to myself. He said he understands and doesn't want me to feel bad for needing time to myself.

Also, this internship is 4 days a week 3 hours north of here so I think I'm just going to go camp out for a few days then come home for a few days which is going to give me a few days a week to be by myself and relax a little. I think this internship will, in addition to being a lot of work, be very relaxing.

Thanks to everyone. You have no clue how relieving it is to find out that it's just stress. The whole time I'm thinking to myself that there must be something horribly wrong with me and nobody else is that crazy lol. So it's really nice hearing that others have gone through this and have experience with it.

I know I pile too much on but I've always been that way. I'm a total overachiever. Growing up I did softball, gymnastics, basketball, volleyball, color guard. Not to mention Youth Ending Hunger, I mentored a child in elementary school, did a few community service groups while never dropping below a 3.5. In fact, Fall 2007 was my first semester I dropped below a 4.0 in college. (my major is Zoology). So yeah.....I know I need to relax lol. I've just never had this kind of reaction to it before.