[sillycat]

Hi,
I am new here so I am not even sure if i am writing this in the right place, I am struggling at the moment and just need some advice I guess.
I have to tell the whole story for people to understand so please bear with me, I will try to make it as understandable as possible.
When I was 18 and starting university I used to exaggerate the truth or tell lies, sometimes they were just silly lies like saying I spoke a language better than I did, or saying that my family had a second home in a different country and so on. They were quite silly and then others, I would say for example that I thought I was pregnant and other stories like that. At the time I don't think I even noticed I was doing it if that makes sense, it wasn't like I would sit at home and think of lies I could tell, they just came out in conversations. I don't even remember feeling that bad about them.
Recently I have been quite down and stressed and so I think I have been thinking about the past a lot more than usual and I realised that I used to tell these lies and I was horrified. I realise I haven't said lies for a number of years now, I guess I just grew out of it. I realise now that I told these lies because I was suffering from lack of self confidence and that I just wanted people to think my life was interesting and that I was 'cool'. The more I thought about it the more I realised that I had actually been telling lies since I was about 11, I remembered a whole variety of lies, some just totally rediculous like saying my middle name was something completly different to others where I claimed my dad had another family (that was when i was 11). I am not even sure why I did it though, at the time of making the lies I wasn't aware that I was doing it for the attention. I can't explain, I have always known that lying is wrong and I know I would never set out to hurt people, but they just kept coming out!
I know that it is long ago, and for these lies, I feel ashamed of myself, but I am not beating myself up about it too much because it was in the past, these lies didn't hurt anyone and being honest I doubt anyone remembers or believed me at the time. I guess I feel more embarrased about them and more confused in myself as to why I would lie.
This is what scares me though. When I was 18, I thought I had my drink spiked, I don't remember anything from that night and told people so but I also said I thought that I was raped. I told my parents about it and I was really upset about it, my parents knew I didn't remember anything about the night, but when I woke up in the morning a guy was still there and I guess I was confused about it.
My problem now is, that now I have realised I used to lie about a lot of things at that age I am wondering if I lied about that? I know it sounds quite silly to say this, but I don't remember plotting these other lies and I don't remember feeling bad about them either, so I am worried that I lied about it. I know that when someone has had their drink spiked they can not always remember what happened, but I do just have this huge feeling that I did lie about it all, I think I just slept with the guy anyway. I don't know why I told people about it, I have no idea - maybe I did just want the attention. This is my problem, I just don't know!
Now I am having to live with the thought that I lied about it, that I told my parents and broke their hearts thinking that this happened to me when it didn't. I can hardly stand being in the same room as them because I feel so guilty. I don't know how I could have done it, I just really can not comprehend how I could have done such a thing. I am having such difficulty in understanding how I could have done that and I keep thinking about it and I hate myself. When I think about it I get so stressed it feels as though I can't breath properly.
I want to tell my mum that I think I lied but I don't even know how, I can't explain it very well and I am worried she will just think I am mad, how can you explain that you can't remember telling lies. But I really can't, all the lies I ever told I don't think I even realised they were lies. Thats's my problem.
I know that it is all involved with self condfidence, which I am working on. I also know that the reason I have thought about this recently is because I am feeling down and so when one is feeling down these feelings can often come up, but I just can't deal with it. I don't know how I am supposed to live the rest of my life knowing that I lied about being raped, how could I do that?
I'm at a loss, I just don't know what to do about it, it's really getting to me as it is the only thing i am thinking of, i wake up in the nigt and i think of it straight away.
I don't know how I can live the rest of my life thinking of this every day and would do anything to take it back even though i know that is impossible, i just don't know what to do.
If anyone has any feedback, reccomendations any thing like that I would really appreciate it.
Please, I know a lot of people will think very negatively of me and I am so sorry about that, I can't explain it, it's like the person who told all the lies is a totally different person. Today I am so honest, if i even tell the slightest lie i feel guilty about it straight away and tell the truth so i don't know how i could have done it. Sorry

[Elysium]

Sillycat,

This all sounds very anxiety provoking for you, and from what you wrote it sounds like you are having symptoms of anxiety.

Lying, as a behavior, can sometimes become a compulsion which is an irresistible persistent impulse to perform an act. This does not make you a bad person, it makes you a person with some behaviors that need some attention.

I think a positive thing for you to notice is that you can see how this has affected your life and how it can impact others. And even though you don't understand it yet, you are willing and able to admit that it can be problematic.

In regards to the incident where you think you may have had your drink spiked. It is unfortunate that this does happen in this world and that people can be taken advantage of when they are under the influence of mind altering substances. It sounds as though you may be trying to convince yourself you are lying so maybe you don't have to face the fear and anxiety that comes with thinking that maybe you weren't lying and these things actually took place. I don't know though, just my opinion.

Before you discard your experience, whatever it was, as "I must have been just lying about it", I strongly urge you to speak with someone professionally. Find a licensed therapist and discuss all of these issues with them. Discuss the incidences of lying in your past, when they started, what you remember about them and how this is making you feel now, and discuss the incident where your drink may have been spiked. I think this is an important issue that deserves to be investigated further, if only for your own piece of mind.

I think this will be helpful for you in reaching some better understanding of yourself that can help you work towards preventing the lying from starting back up, and helping with any anxiety that comes with these fears.

I admire the fact that you are able to come to grips with these issues and talk about them here. But I do think you would benefit from speaking with a therapist.

Keep us posted on how you're doing, if you are comfortable, and I will support you as you move towards a more healing place.

It sounds like you've already come a long way in just identifying and noticing you behaviors. Good work on that!!

Take care,

[sillycat]

Thank you so much for your reply, it really helped. I think it helps me a lot to talk (write about it) as I can make things clearer in my head!

Well I have been seeing a counsellor with the uni for a couple of months and we have been talking about some of these issues, which stem from a feeling of lack of self confidence. I have grown out of this now and haven't actually told these lies for a number of years now, I realised that the reason why I told them was because I wanted to appear interesting and I am not sure, I think one day I just realised that I don't want to be interesting! That I just want to be myself so I stopped lying. I don't even know when it stopped, I just realised looking back that it did stop if that makes any sense at all.

I am just waiting to see my counsellor again, but unfortuantly it is the last time I will see her as I am graduating and I think I would like to talk about the issues of feeling guilty for my past behaviours. Although we have sort of talked about them already, just saying that it is something to accept but it doesn't change who I am now.

I just find the whole drink spiking indicent hard to deal with I guess, maybe you are right and I am trying to convince myself that I am lying about it so I don't have to deal with it, but I am more concered with why this issue has come back to me now after nearly 5 years when I rarely thought about it. I think mainly at the moment I am concerned that I just hurt my mum and dad when I told them about it and it just scares me that I could have done that. I guess I want to talk to my parents about it and explain that I am not sure what happened, but firstly I don't want to drag up the topic again with them and secondly I am scared they would be disgusted with me.

The other problem is that I just don't know how I am supposed to move on in my life with when this has happened. As much as I am able to explain why I did certain things it still does not excuse them and it is not as if I can create an excuse for it every day, so I am not sure how to go about leaving the memories if that makes any sense. How can one just stop being bothered by something?

I'm sorry this is hugely long again, thank you so much for your help. I think this will help me an awful lot when I do go and see my counsellor again as I only have 50 mins to try and explain all this! I think it is just very hard because it is not like I have this behaviour now so I can analyse it now and really realise, it was something I grew out of so now all I am left with is the memories of it and I can't seem to make them stop hurting.

In many ways I think that saying I made up that my drink was spiked is easier than dealing with the idea that it did get spiked, and my counsellor said that often the problem with these incidents is that you don't remember the events that happened because that is the nature of the drug so i guess it is always going to be surrounded by mystery, but it just concerns me that I have gone for nearly 5 years believing that this happened to me and not feeling bothered by it, which really does lead me to believe that maybe deep down I did make it up because that would explain why I wasn't so bothered about it.

Sorry I just kept typing, but thank you so much, I am sorry if this isn't the done thing just confessing your whole life but I just had to do something. Thanks!

[gimmeice]

Hello sillycat, it's nice to meet you, welcome to psych central.
It is my experience that even when you know for sure something happened to you there is a certain amount of doubt still involved so just because right now you think it could be a lie doesn't mean it is a lie. It sounds like you still have some things to work through I hope you can get a new therapist after graduation.

[Yoda]

Hello siillycat (love the name),

There are things in my past that I did too that are unhealthy to say the least. For instance I went through a two year period in my early twenties when I had low self esteem and frequented bars and had sex with total strangers and I did it often. I felt ugly and thought there is no way I will ever look like the pretty models so I slept with men for attention and to convince myself that I was desirable.

I don't like knowing that I did it but I did. I can't change it.

Something that has helped me is the prayer of serenity:

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference".

It is positive that the lying was a past problem and not something that you do now. Be easy on yourself.

[FooZe]

Originally Posted by sillycat

Please, I know a lot of people will think very negatively of me and I am so sorry about that, I can't explain it, it's like the person who told all the lies is a totally different person. Today I am so honest, if i even tell the slightest lie i feel guilty about it straight away and tell the truth so i don't know how i could have done it. Sorry

Hi sillycat, devil's advocate here. Pleased to meet you, and thank you for posting. I hope you won't mind my offering another point of view:

It sounds as though back then, something was driving you to lie -- for all practical purposes, you were often stuck in lying. More recently, you've discovered that you don't like the consequences of lying and (among other things) you're trying to make up for past lies by scrupulously telling the truth, revisiting incidents in your past that you know you lied about or even think you may have, and trying your hardest to find and tell the truth about those. On balance, telling the truth does seem better than lying -- but it seems to me that getting stuck in telling the truth could be hardly better for you than getting stuck in lying.

I'd like to see you able to choose freely for yourself when/if to tell the truth and when/if to lie, and to know it's you choosing. Granted, you might decide to tell the truth 95% of the time and only "white" (polite and non-hurtful) lies the rest of the time but I'd like to feel (and have you feel) that it is your choice to do so; right now, I'm not entirely sure.

How does what I just said look to you?

[Raynaadi]

Hi Silly Cat and welcome to PC. Love the name

Your post struck a chord in me because i used to do the same kind of thing. I can only share from my own personal experience, so don't think I'm trying to convince you of anything.

I had an incident with I was 18. I had dated this guy but I was still a virgin and he wanted sex, so I broke it off with him. I was house sitting a short time after, and I wanted alcohol. He was 21, so I called him. He came over and brought alcohol and we sat around rinking, and then started making out. For years I told myself and others, that he had taken advantage and forced himself upon me. But the truth was, he had asked if I wanted to try it and I say no. He stopped. I was so ashamed though, that I had invited a man over to this house just for alcohol, that I told the lie, and eventually believed it. I even went so far as to have a freak out moment on vacation in San Diego with a friend. We were at a bar, and I wasn't getting enough attention. I told her that I saw that guy, the one who forced himself on me. She consoled me and I got what I was looking for. Truth was, he wasn't there, and had never harmed me in anyway.

The situation is different. Looking back, I know I lied, I know it didn't really happen. But for you, you have no way of really being certain. Lies are so powerful, and so easy to believe when I tell them enough.

I've grown out of it too, and no longer continue that behavior. That is what I took out of your post. You no longer continue that behavior. By being the honest person you are today, you are amending your behavior. We can't go back and change the past. We can only learn from it. And you are learning from it. You are making amends and making living amends to your folks by not continuing to lie.

As for wanting to tell your mom that you lied, I would just look at it this way, would making that amends to her harm her or injure her? Would it bring it all back for her? Are you wnting to tell her to clear your own concience or would it be to help her? Look at it that way to help you decide if you should tell her that you're not sure what really happened.

I agree with what has been said, that hopefully you can continue counceling after graduation. Congrats on graduation, by the way!

Keep on pouring out your heart here, it helps loads, and the anonymity of posting online, for me, helps my honesty, helps me speak out about what is really eating at me.

Again, welcome, and keep on posting.

Hugs,
Rayna