[Morgansangel]

I've always had serious food issues and been an emotional eater, happy sad angry alone whatever it is I reach for food and always have since my teens. My mum has always been the same too, but I didn't know about it until a few years ago as she hid it well from me.

I was bullied all through secondary school about my weight even though when I look back now it was only the end of school I started looking particularly overweight. I lost a lot at uni and then yoyo'd for a fair few years.

Then things just kept getting worse until I was told by someone that I was effectively committing long-term suicide by putting on so much weight.

I lost a LOT of weight rapidly after that, but ended up seriously ill with gallstones and pancreatitis due to the rapid weightloss. I had my gallbladder removed.

Since then I've put on weight again and there's a lot of things I can't eat anymore. I'm also struggling so much with my mental health at the moment I feel like I can't cope with this as well. But I hate myself for being this way.

I also hate the fact that the only eating disorders publicised are the ones that make you underweight, not the ones that make you overweight. And the fact that its acceptable in society to have a go at, make jokes about or basically bully and abuse people on the street because of their weight. I just want to get a massive tattoo that says 'this isn't *all* my fault!'

Sorry. I just feel so awful about all of this, I feel like a total mess of a human and like I'll never find someone to love me because who would want to be seen with someone like me? It's bad enough that I'm ugly and mentally ill, why did I have to be this way too?

I'm not by the way saying I'm ugly because I'm this weight, there are lots of beautiful big women out there, I'm saying it because I am.

Sorry I'm probably being annoying or saying the wrong things. Just needed to kind of get this out because if I ever say anything about my weight people just say 'well lose weight then' like its that simple. My GP even sent me to a weight loss counsellor at one point who said my other issues were way too complex right now for me to be tackling my weight, but I'm just scared I'm always going to be alone because I have nothing going for me. Most people if they are overweight are at least pretty so they can find someone that way.

Sorry. I'm just going to shut up now. So… yeah…

[spondiferous]

It looks like you're relatively new, so first off, welcome to PC. Secondly, I'm sorry you're struggling. It sounds like you've had a rough go of it.
I can really relate to what you said about how it seems that the EDs that are publicized are the ones that make people underweight. It's funny because I've been a part of two ED clinics in the last year and I am the only fat person in both of them. And there are a lot of people. And yet western culture obsesses over and condemns anyone who doesn't fit the beanpole image.
I hope you can find some peace around this. It's tricky when there's other MH issues as well. I am always available if you want to message me privately. You can rant, rave, cry, scream, or just talk about normal stuff, whatever. I won't judge.
I hope you find this site supportive. I have.

[Morgansangel]

Yeah I am new, thank you for your welcome

Thank you so much for what you've said and the offer. I may well take you up on that some time.

I agree the pressure is so bad in society. And shops get in on it too. A UK 16 is apparently about average now, yet most shops hardly stock anything in a size 16 or over.

I get really mad with comedians as well. It seems like weight is still something that its fine to pick on people and abuse them about. Maybe I'm over sensitive about it because of my experiences because some comedians make jokes about their own weight, but I don't think it's right to make fun of people over things they can't help. You know?

But yeah, above all, thank you.

[spondiferous]

You're welcome. And you're right. It's still societally acceptable to discriminate against fat people (or anyone over a certain ridiculously small size, really) and that's unacceptable to me.

[sunsetsunrise]

Originally Posted by Morgansangel

My GP even sent me to a weight loss counsellor at one point who said my other issues were way too complex right now for me to be tackling my weight, but I'm just scared I'm always going to be alone because I have nothing going for me. Most people if they are overweight are at least pretty so they can find someone that way.

Sorry. I'm just going to shut up now. So… yeah…

Hi, I can relate to so much of what you have said. I want you to know that. One of the things that makes me the most angry is what the counsellor said to you. Anyone who is a decent weight loss counsellor knows that there are VERY complex issues at the core. They work with the client around the issues that are under the manifestation of the eating disorder. Its unconscionable that a weight loss therapist does not know that. But I think there are many counsellors who are not adequately skilled.

I wish you had found someone who could have worked on the core issues. Just as I wish this for anyone who has an ed. An ed is a manifestion of other issues that can be worked on and healed. Thats my opinion. And while there is work that can be done directly on the ed, I cannot imagine doing it without the other work. They go hand in hand. Maybe someday that ed counsellor will figure that out before he does more harm to more people. Okay, I am angry with that counsellor.

I am glad you are here. just know I relate to so much of what you have written. Please keep posting.

[Morgansangel]

Just wrote out a long answer and the forum swallowed it

I just feel like a loser and a waste of a life. The way I am now noone will want to look at me let alone be with me. One of my main motives in life is to be a parent but that's never going to happen because noone will ever want to come near me let alone have a child with me and (and this is a personal thing of my life not a reflection on other people its different for everyone) without that I feel like I've failed.

I'm going to die alone unloved, unlovable with no reason for me ever having existed.

I've tried to diet most of my adult life but between a minefield of things nothing has ever worked. Most of the time it's hard enough fighting the ED and BPD about food let alone the problems I've developed after the operation. Most things that help weight loss I either can't eat or don't like.

I'm no good with exercise either. I get obsessional with it and hurt myself in some way because I go from nothing to spending 5 or 6 hours a day on a machine or something and then hurt myself or the obsession spirals until it takes up my whole waking life but I don't lose any weight and I eventually crash.

I can't go to gyms as I get panic attacks and believe everyone is laughing at me and I'm ruining their day just by the sight of me. I hate walking. It's lonely and too quiet and there's no point to it. I don't want to use the exercise machine at home when my nephew is here because I feel really embarrassed and hate myself.

I eat generally well, except from when the ED or BPD take over, but it's taken years to put on this weight and it would take years to lose it and I just don't have the patience. Also I follow the diets at places like SW and WW and nothing happens. I stick to them to the letter and all around me people lose and I maintain or put on for no reason and I can't cope with things not doing what they're supposed to, and when I say it people look at me like oh you must be lying,you're not really following it, but I am!

I just.

I don't know.

Just, I guess those kids in school were right. I am fat and ugly and noone would ever want me and I'm going to die alone and noone will care just like they said.

Sorry. Just.

Yeah.

[sunsetsunrise]

Your feelings sound so very painful. I am so sorry there is so much pain in your life. Have you checked into online support groups for eds? Or perhaps even telephone support groups? I may have written that I called a hotline at the national eating disorders association, to explain my situation and ask for info about available and applicable online and phone groups.

I dont know if this would help, but I found a website based in the UK. You might find some help through these folks. National Centre for Eating Disorders | Support | Patient.co.uk Maybe its worth a try. idk. I know only too well how hard it is to find support and help for recovery. You found this community. And thats awesome. So keep posting. You are doing great.

[waggiedog]

Hi and welcome to PC, it's the best site in my opnion! Yes, I feel every single one of those things you feel. It bugs me big time that everybody feels sorry for the underweight. I mean, they encourage cuddles and kind words, but be overweight, not even obese and nobody wants to know, like it's all your own fault 'cos you won't keep your mouth shut! Ugly, yes that too and that's aside drom the fat. Just to add insult, I'm also 'old' to have an ED. When I was young I could shift weight by 14llbs (1 stone) in ten days, now I can't shift anything, no matter what I do, I'm stuck fat for ever. Yeah, fat, ugly and depressed ~ oh and for good measure a Borderline personality disordered idiot!!!!! Mad, bad and sad!!!!! Yeah I feel the same as you. Agreed, in the UK size 16 is seen as 'outsize' in modern shops, guess it is when the majority or shoppers are 16 year old size 6's. HUGS. I'll always listen to your thoughts/rants/vents too!

[Fuzzybear]

[SeekingZen]

Hello Morgansangel,

First of all, welcome to PC! You should find many people who share similar experiences here, I know I have.

I'm sorry you are in so much pain!
What exactly are your ED issues? I understand that you're an emotional eater (I completely relate to that unfortunately), but are you binging too?

I think you should focus on feeling/being healthy, rather than what "society" expects us to look like. Beauty comes in all shapes and sizes, and I think that is something that is becoming more accepted here in the US, I hope it is where you are as well.

Have you ever tried something like the Mediterranean Diet yet? It's a lifestyle more of a lifestyle change, rather than a 'diet' that restricts you, leaving you feeling deprived. I think it's a very healthy way of eating, and I try to eat that way most of the time, (when I'm not off the wagon eating fries, pizza, etc.).

Also, you mentioned you don't like exercising at the gym, which I can understand, but what about going for a long bike ride on a nice day, or go for a long walk while listening to some upbeat music that you . I really enjoy long walks and bike rides as long as I've got my music w/ me. I usually feel better after I force myself to go outside for some type of exercise. Also, are there any videos you own, or could get online, that you could do a workout at home when it's not nice out (and in the comfort of your own home)?

Maybe you can set a goal, perhaps through myfitnesspal's website, and commit to work out 30 min a couple of times a week for a month or so and see how it goes. I too tend to overdo the exercise thing once I get started, so I know how it can be difficult to stop.

One last suggestion I have is meditation; have you tried it yet?

Best Wishes,
SeekingZen