shame response, anger and relationship issues

so glad this forum was started! i do think that partners need a lot of support too. i feel like i just have a bit on my mind, so i might just write it out here.

i have been thinking a lot lately about something my therapist said when we were discussing some of the issues i have with my partner. it's hard for me to speak out about my feelings a lot of the time because i become afraid of what my partner's response will be - a lot of the time feelings of shame take over and it halts any sort of progress the conversation could be making. suddenly it's all her fault and she is a terrible person and she deserves to hurt for [whatever happened]. instead of actually talking about the issue at hand, i am taken off course and start feeling like i have to soothe my partner and tell her that it will be ok.

it's hard to deal with the shame and the anger and the evil life lessons that come with my partner's life story. she should be angry at what happened. i just really want to help her continue to grow and move forward.

what really strikes me about what my therapist was trying to tell me is that apparently, the dynamics in our relationship could be called abuse. that is the word my t used... to describe the fact that i am silenced - not talking about my feelings or thoughts - because of my fear of (or feeling like i need to control) her response.

it's just so hard to deal with the shame that takes over her. i do feel for her and want to help.... and i know that just staying silent isn't going to help (for example, not talking about how upset i was when she gave a terribly inappropriate verbal lashing at someone in public. her rage is an issue, but i dont know how to address it.) i know she has work to do on her own issues, and sometimes i dont know where my helping ends and her work should begin. i know i can't make her get better, but i do want to support her. it's just so hard to be around her rage in public, i shy away and feel terrible but don't say anything at all.

i just can't quite wrap my head around the word 'abuse' ....i guess i can see where my t is coming from, but... i don't know. it just doesn't seem right to me. i feel that my partner's DID creates such complex situations. i know she has been hurt badly in her life, but that doesn't excuse her inappropriate behavior, and it doesn't mean that she is incapable of having an adult relationship with me - we often do have a healthy and balanced relationship. but... there are also a number of times where we do not have an balanced, adult relationship.

anyway... just hoping to find a place to talk about some of these issues. i'm very glad to have started going to a partners support group in my area, but they only meet once per month.

Hi there, I'm not really a partner of someone like this I saw the forum and was curious then I read your post, and I hope you don't mind me talking my head off a bit? (if you do lemee know)

Something struck me when I read this - you're talking so much about things that you do for your partner but you never mentioning her ASKING YOU to hold back? Has she? Or is this reluctance coming from you?

I've in some ways been on the other side of this. In many cases especially a little while back I would blame EVERYTHING on myself, when my boyfriend tried talking to me about certain relationship things, I would kind of go crazy, dissociating and all sorts of things, "my fault... my fault..." And I DO remember his frustration, as well as mine.

Bottom line - I didn't want our relationship to suffer because I couldn't handle things. I think you need to be open with each other. You have needs too. Be careful how you approach a topic, but do bring it up or at the very least say it's there and you need to talk when she's centered and not triggered by anything. You could even help her center so that you can have a more productive talk.

Good luck!

You may benefit from some boundaries.

http://psychcentral.com/blog/archive...of-boundaries/
http://psychcentral.com/search/?Matc...aries&x=25&y=8

You empathize with her pain. Maybe your therapist is telling you your friend is manipulating you? You might want to discuss what your therapist means by "abuse" so you have a clear understanding.

thanks tuquoisesea...

it's coming from me. i have never had to deal with such intense feelings like rage or shame or some of the other things PTSD and DID has brought to my partners life. i no longer know what to do when those things enter daily life and i just want them to go away. i know ignoring them doesn't help. but i also know that it really isn't much of my own stuff to deal with. it's her stuff. that's where i get all confused i think. i just dont know what to do...

thank you for sharing your thoughts and experiences too... it does help give me some perspective. something to think about.

yes..... i know, this is THE biggest issue in my therapy right now. boundaries are hard. but i know NOT having them is worse for me, and certainly doesn't help anyone else either.

thanks for the links! i think i might want to get that book for a bit of further reading.

Byz has a good point about boundaries. Maybe to start you should have a conversation with her, setting some boundaries but also setting things up so that you can talk about these things too?

Hi Michelle!
This REALLY struck a nerve with me, because it's the exact argument my partner and I just had recently! ..and it's something I know we can both be guilty of. We're now trying really hard to say to each other, "don't put me in a position where I'm comforting you, when you did something wrong! I'm the wronged person, I should be the one comforted." And we've worked really hard to hear the other one when they say that.
...and it's working pretty well. We both really want to treat each other well, but we sometimes need to remind each other of what's appropriate to ask for in a relationship. If your partner is putting you in a position where you can never be mad at her, or never express it when you are, that's not right. Every body is going to make mistakes, and you should feel able to express yourself to her, just like she does to you. For her to manipulate your responses (whether she means to OR NOT) is not fair treatment of you.
It can be difficult because you do feel so bad about all the things that have happened in her past. However, you disrespect her when you condescend her and assume she can't handle things. When you treat her as your equal, and are honest with her, you show her much more respect, even if it feels like you're being mean sometimes.
Michelle

Thanks for your post. I can relate! I have spent years trying to figure out my relationships issues. It took me a very long time to realize, i was being abused. I am now working with my therapist on what I Want, not what his fragile emotional needs demand. I have made progress not absorbing his moods and emotional needs. My bf was an alcholoic, a Cluster B personality undiagnosed as he refused to get help, and basically and infant. If you look at it like that, babies will dies if they are not cared for. This is what my bf was like, a toddler that MUST get his needs me By Me. If I did not, there was complete chaos. Ive only know one other person as self centered as him, ie my mother HELOO! My issues stem there is assume. Now, If I can figure out how what I get from being the caregiver? Boundries are another thing Im working on, I still regress sometimes. Im glad you posted, Hang in there!

I recently discovered the work of Brene Brown, might be worth looking at. Her books are on my amazon wish list right now!

Thank you for posting. I have to deal with this myself. Because of issues in a past relationship my bipolar partner with PTSD has real issues with placement of perceived "blame". He can't even seem to take responsibility for things that would be settled with "Whoops, sorry about that, let me move that thing/run that errand/etc." As I was raised with "I'm sorry, it's my fault" probably being the first words I spoke, it's really easy for me to take the blame, which creates a horrible dynamic. Setting boundaries is extremely hard for me, and usually when I try it usually kicks him over into an episode. He has even had a few truly psychotic/paranoid episodes.

I don't know what to suggest, since nothing I've tried seems to really work, but I wanted you to know you have voiced something that a LOT of people can identify with.