[squarecrisps]

perhaps NPD.
I'm the one who has been in therapy for self esteem for ages, it's not working, his actions are sabotaging any progress I make. But he blames his behaviour on my problems. I'm not perfect but anyone would be depressed in my situation, I'm sure of it! He says he saw a counsellor that said it was all my fault. Now I asked my counsellor that, and they (I've had CBT and psychotherapy) and they say no real counsellor would say that! Especially not on a first session. We are also going to couples counselling while he continues to cheat. We are supposed to be talking properly, to discuss things but he has catchphrases, not actual feelings if that makes sense, all his behaviour is blamed on the fact I doubt he loves me. The financial mess, losing our home, all due to his lies...then the years of cheating. He looks me in the eye and says he doesn't do it. He makes up laughable excuses for the things I find like condoms on messages that pop up on his phone. Sometimes he is careless and leaves himself logged in. I try not to look, I know I'll find things. I have valium for those days (I really can't cope with anger I feel). As we have 3 children and I currently have no way of leaving him (him leaving me is very easy for him to do but he won't, he promises he will one day) my life is in limbo.
But he is the father of my children, I do love him in someway and he can't be happy being this way.
He has multiple online personas, some of them he uses to big himself up. On groups that are about him for example. I have no idea how someone can lie like that. Even about mundane nonsense. He loves cold callers, he pretends to be other people.
He says I find him arrogant because I am so self deprecating, but of course I am now. I'm not good enough for him, I feel ugly and awful. I wasn't enough for him. He's not in work right now so I'm working all hours (but this stress effects my work), I don't sleep very much working late while he trawls the net getting his ego stroked. I beg him to get help. But then he manages to turn it around (as he is pretty much the only adult in my life I see regularly) to it being all my fault...and I believe him when he is here in the house all the time reminding me.
Life is too short, my children are growing up in a miserable house, I cant get out, I can't change him. I really am very stuck. I can't get any more help than I'm already getting. You can't make a marriage work on your own.

[NuckingFutz]

Wow, it really sounds like you really feel stuck. You have also done your homework on BPD but one of things that stands out is that some people need to take care of their needs first. Learn to put yourself first instead of him. Know that his behavior is not about you even though he claims it is. As you said, he is a liar.

Is there a way for you to work with a therapist on your goal separating yourself from him? If he is not working or only working sporatically, perhaps you would be better off without him.

I wish I could offer more support. Going through something similiar, but I am staying with my sister. Believe me, I have had he urge to bolt more than once. Working on my own goals to find a more stable emotional environment for myself and reaching out for help and reaching out and giving help where I can has been a real boost and lets me know that I am not alone, that I won't be stuck forever.

Keep posting and let us know how your progress is going.

[likewater]

Oh wow. I think you are married to my ex husband. Not really, but he was like that. Sorry you ar. e being cheated on and made to feel small. Will he go to couples therapy? Why can' t you leave? Doesn' t sound like he has much love or support of any kind to offer.

[squarecrisps]

We are in couples therapy but it's weird. She just tells us to talk more, not to react as quickly during arguments. It's not very in-depth. He's always the nice guy to other people, charming. I'm the unreasonable one because he has to walk on eggshells because I'm moody...well yeah I am very depressed and trapped! He moans whatever he does is wrong, apologises for silly things like buying the wrong thing in the shop yet doesn't apologise, doesn't see that lying and cheating is wrong. My only plan right now is to keeping working (my own business) until I can make enough money to leave.

[Open Eyes]

Hmmm, he is working sporatically and your working all the time. And your trapped?
What is he actually contributing other than emotional stress on you along with tons of lies. He is obviously a loser and looking for another free ride you know. You need to clear your air of his stench, honestly he is suffocating you psychologically, dump the junk. He is beyond therapy and obviously self centered, a waste of you life.

Open Eyes

[squarecrisps]

At the moment I really cannot find a way to leave. I need to find a way to make it tolerable until I can afford to leave (even though he makes no money it's things like deposits etc I don't have to rent anywhere else, he'd had to move out without me anyway. It's a lot of upset and disruption for my children when he could just go).
So in the meantime I'd like to understand why..he's had years and years of my life.

[NuckingFutz]

So why not just kick him out?

[lad007]

Sorry for your situation.
The couples therapy doesn't seem to be doing what you had hoped for, and also a person needs to wants to change, your husband does not.
I know you want what is best for your children, but do you want them growing up thinking this is what a marriage is suppose to be like? Then you will agonize the whole rest of your life as they have unhappy marriages also, and blame yourself?
If you don't want to tell him to leave for yourself, do it for them. Children would rather be from a broken home, than live in one.
Kick him to the curb, if he won't go file for divorce. No one should treat you like that. You seem like a nice person. You are going to make yourself sick over this. What are you waiting for?

[squarecrisps]

Well I've tried to chuck him out many many times! It's really hard to do, I'm not physically strong enough. How do you make somebody leave you? I can't change the locks (no money and I'm renting so not allowed).
The more I read about npd the more in sounds like me too...just without the big ego bit..I have no self esteem at all, I was reading some of Shari Schreiber's articles. How I feel inside is like that, but I don't lie or have the confidence that appears to go with npd. All this needing other people to validate who I am applies to me, I am a mirror. If people treat me bad I must be worthless. So perhaps he is right and it is me all along. Very confused.

[lad007]

Does it really matter if either or both of you have a personality disorder? It takes two, so it's not all your fault.
I'm sorry but I don't think if you read books you will be able to diagnose him and be able to fix him? It's not going to happen that way.
You have such a dysfunctional marriage and that brings out the worse in people.
You have to decide if you want in or out.
If you don't want to live like this anymore, file for divorce.
If you want to keep living like this, learn how to live with it.
You have to make a decision, stop going back and forth, and make a plan.
I'm sorry that your self esteem has suffered so, but you are the only one that can fix that. Go take a boxing class or karate, take back your power.