[Larry_Hoover]

I'm starting to see a pattern, and the pattern sucks. Every time I have to get into the nitty-gritty of looking after my parents, and even though the tasks are not themselves onerous, I come out the other side totally fried. Hmmm. I come out the other side......fried.

I can do similar things for other people. I do volunteer work, helping people get the care they need from a system that lets people fall through the cracks. I don't get exhausted from that work. To the contrary, actually.

Doing this stuff for my folks, though. It just sucks.....it right out of me.

Grumble.

Moan.

Lar

(((Lar)))

I know its hard. I think maybe because when it is our own parents no matter how much we care there is a certain bit of begrudingness, as small as that might be. Or so I have noticed with others in your case.

Then a gain doing advocacy work would be something you could step away from anytime, but with your parent(s) it is not.

Perhaps you and your sister could take a little vacation while the other takes care of things? Is this possible
?


ETA: i just got the joke in the title

[gardenergirl]

Hi Lar,
I encountered the same thing while taking care of my mother after her hip surgery. I was just exhausted everyday, and I couldn't understand why. She really did not need a great deal of personal care, and I had a lot of free time. But just being around her so much, and being in a caregiver role (again) triggered emotional stuff I was not aware of in the moment. That is really draining, you're right.

What helped me get through was making sure I had some time to myself, emailing with dear folks who have come to be precious friends, and laughing a lot. Oh, and I planted a patio garden while I was there. I did that for me, not for my mom. Which was a good thing, because she really didn't seem to appreciate it the way I did. Sigh.

I really respect that you are stepping up, though. Family is a very important thing to me, even if it comes with costs.

Take care,

gg

[Greenleaves]

Hi Larry!

I think you're doing a great thing, taking care of your parents. It's a very noble thing to do. I'm going to take care of my parents too one day.

I miss you Larry! I hope you're doing alright.

[EJ711]

Lar -

That's just the way it is. You are making an emotional investment, and it is very, very difficult. Just pace yourself. If you need to take some time off, try to find a way to arrange it.

Most importantly, don't beat yourself up for caring as much as you do. Watching over my parents before they left for heaven was one of the best things I ever did.

Hugs,

EJ

[darkeyes]

Larry, I can relate, caring for my mom, shortly after losing my beloved dad, has drained me to the core, even leaving me physically exhausted . . . it sucks, as well as breaks one's heart to see a once strong parent, drifting away,taken by dementia and other illness.
I'm not much for support but badly need some myself, I'm spent.
I just keep drumming in my brain, "I'll get through this", but I'm not doing well with it all, even took up drinking my lite beers on almost a daily basis, and we all know that is not good either.

Anyone out there, please rescue us or give us strength to deal with this part of our lives.

larry, sweet man, do you have "hospice" type organizations in Canada? here hospice will send a volunteer to "sit" while you take a breather. it sure did help me A LOT! i'd come relieve you if we didn't live 1740 miles from each other.

[Larry_Hoover]

It's not as if I am physically caring for either of them....I cannot do that. I know my limits, and third parties will have to do that work. It is as if I am processing the effort on some unseen level. All I get is the outcome.....gross fatigue. On two days, on which I merely discussed my father's care, I "hit the wall". I shut down, having become totally exhausted. The arrangements themselves were not onerous. No, it was the "doing it for him" part. And, dear God, I pray I don't end up feeling guilty for doing the right thing. Of all ways for this to turn out, that would suck the worst. A cruel irony.

Yesterday, I found myself feeling very lonely. Although I live alone, I am very seldom ever lonely. But such is the experience of dealing with my 'rents. I can be lonely and I can be exhausted and I can't figure out why. Yet.

My sister has said it, and I have said it. Grieving by installments. Grieving the childhood I never got, while giving them a dignified end. D'ya think? And I thought the world ought to be fair.

Lar

P.S. 1740 miles? You peeked?

[Larry_Hoover]

I've got one thing in my arsenal for such a need, darkeyes, and that's a patented Larry Hoover BearHug®. Prepare thyself.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{darkeyes}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

There. Now our tears are one.

Lar

[csavage]

(((((((((((((((darkeyes & larry))))))))))))))))))). What a noble thing you are both doing, whether it is behind the scenes or holding their hands, you should be commended. A lot of lives have changed over the fact that children have had compassion to care for parents that were less than that when the children were growing up. My father was not a very nice man at times when I was growing up but no one else will take care of him but me if he ever needs it. I love him, as I know you both do your parents. That ability to care for someone who was probably not given the proper care when they were growing up can make all the difference in their afterlife Heaven Please take care of yourselves.

Larry Hoover said--

It's not as if I am physically caring for either of them

The arrangements themselves were not onerous. No, it was the "doing it for him" part.

Grieving the childhood I never got, while giving them a dignified end. D'ya think? And I thought the world ought to be fair.

----------

Larry,

I cannot even begin to tell you how much your words describe exactly where I am standing. (And my mother is still very self-sufficient at 77.)

Every bit of energy I have is used on trying to put one foot in front of the other and walk towards my mother and not away from her.

Petunia

[darkeyes]

Thanks, for the bear hugs, same back to you, too.
Maybe it can help, us, at PC to just unload the heaviness on our hearts to one another, it just feels good to do that sometimes, especially if any of you have relatives,siblings or friends that just do not get how you are feeling. Heck, "Data" from Star Trek has more feelings than my husband does, when it comes to certain things in life.
So, I'll come here, if that's okay.
Larry, sorry, didn't mean to steal your thread, it just sort of reminded me of where I am now too.
Take care, dear person.
Thanks for being you and all that you offer to us at PC.

(((((((((( Larry ))))))))))))

[Larry_Hoover]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
darkeyes said:
Larry, sorry, didn't mean to steal your thread....

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

You didn't steal it. You joined it. Thank you for your kindness.

Lar

[darkeyes]

Bless you, dear sir,
This day with mom,docs, and her quickly growing dementia (I never knew it can get bad so quickly) has been a suckful day, I just want to cry and scream, spouse tries to offer support but a support bra can offer more, ha!ha!
Soooooooooooo, I'm stuck, more beer and appts. for her. I definately going to sign up for the "caregivers support" group meetings, asap, that our medical center offers, that I desparetly (sp?) need before I run away from her and my own family . . . I can no longer do this.
Why, oh why, was I brought up in a home where taking care of the elderly was paramount????
I hate this, and I fear it will destroy and take me too.
No threats of suicide, I'm just venting at the end of my emotional rope. Everyone, please, bear with me, with this.
Take care, keep the strength, we shall not falter, we need to get through this. . .and we can. Maybe not unscathed, but we can do it.

Roe

[onlysister]

Hi Lar
I just thought I'd put my 2cents in too. I also take care of my mom after a divorce. She's very young to be depending on me. She is only 53. I am 37. but she can't seem to find her way without my step father. She doesn't work, her health in failing and now she is having panic attacks. I think it is our responsiblity to care for our parents at some point. But how much do we do? I'm sure your parents are older than mine, but I know the feeling of just mentioning their name brings stress. All I can say is, do all you can while you can and let the rest go. Most of all let them know you love them, even when you're not doing everything they wish you were doing. And by all means, take a break. Make sure they are ok, and go away. It will help. I've done it. Keep your chin up and tomorrow is a new day.
Thanks for your thoughts on my bro. I appreciate it.
Mel

[(JD)]

Yes, Larry, I think you are right, the sense of unfairness can overshadow our good deeds for parents. When someone volunteers for strangers, there isn't the emotional connectedness, so to speak. There sure aren't family dynamics then. It's purely our own decision.

When it comes to family, then, it's "expected" and we often strangle ourselves with the "shoulds" and "musts" and the expectations from family...

I don't think it's a good thing to feel like you HAVE to do for family...though the family probably doesn't feel that way. You have permission to say no, ok? You are an adult, they are too. You must do self care FIRST. Family won't understand, so don't expect them to... most ppl don't anyway.

Once you find yourself saying no more often, and working through any guilt they might try to put on you (whether verbally or from subconscious programming still running) ... then you will have times when you really want to help... not because you're "suppose" to to be a good son, or because they expect it... but because you have been able to take care of yourself, and are able to give some back willingly.

But it's ok to say no if you need to. TC

[gardenergirl]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
_Sky said:
Yes, Larry, I think you are right, the sense of unfairness can overshadow our good deeds for parents. When someone volunteers for strangers, there isn't the emotional connectedness, so to speak. There sure aren't family dynamics then. It's purely our own decision.

When it comes to family, then, it's "expected" and we often strangle ourselves with the "shoulds" and "musts" and the expectations from family...


</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

So true! That's an important thing for anyone who is or will be taking care of family to keep in mind. Otherwise, it can sneak up on you and bite you in the rear. I know I learned my lesson, and I hope I can remember it in the future if needed.

Take care,

gg

the sisters guilted me to death........i lived 17 hours away and one time i drove the entire trip with a smashed tail bone........why? cause i was an idiot. and i cut the tree, decorated it, cooked the Christmas meal and then made a comment about a black basketball player that put the entire bunch into shock..(bigots, they are)......and i still relish the moment.

i would close the b and b for a month and come back to Oklahoma and lose that business and stay there for 24/7 for a month.

and when my mom died....the scene around the dining room table was sickening. my sisters had been so frugal with her money and they were so proud of how much they had left to divide amongst us.and i inherited daddy's tractor and my brother stole it from my barn. how do you come out of something like that with ANY good feelings?

more than once i drove all the way from NM to find completely empty cupboards..........so the stress of dealing with the others was harder on me than helping my mom out. all of our differences melted away, eventually, and she was very grateful that i moved in and she had complete meals, loud bluegrass music and dogs!!!!!

larry, you know how i feel about you and i know how hard it is for you now... you have so much moral fiber and strength...i admire you so much for what you do for your family and all of us... and me........we'll help you get through this. that's why we're all a part of this thread. we share and we care. love, pat

[Larry_Hoover]

Not only that, but so does naming a thread that.

Thanks, Pat. And everybody.

I have to go get my sore nerve zapped today. So they can tell me how bad the thing works, LOL. Ya, I take the friggin Oxycontin because I love prunes. That's an inside joke.

Lar

yes...it is..............

have the best day that you can. i'm going to frame thangs......

[January]

((((((((((((((( Friends ))))))))))))))))

I know, oh how I know. I wish all of you peace. There is nothing greater that I can wish for all of us.

Love and hugs,

Jan

[kimmydawn]

(((((((((((larry)))))))))))))

I wish for you a peace that's hard to find right now. I hope you're able to find it in your quiet times.

I had a horrendous childhood with a master sergeant marine for a father.

He called when he was dx'ed with lung cancer. I'd not seen him for 14 years. It was, bar none, the most difficult experience of my life. I'd always known he'd call me when he was dying and I'd decided I would be there for him for the good things he was in my life growing up.

He lived 3 hours away and I was spending half the week with him and half the week here taking care of little man. My brothers had nothing to do with him at all...only one went to his funeral.

Please know your limits and take as good care of self as you can right now. I don't feel there are any "rules" that apply to these situations, and that almost anything goes. Emotions can be across the board all within an hour, and the exhaustion...omg...there's none to compare to it.

Just know that you're not alone. So many care and understand.

My father will be gone one year, May 14th (mother's day). I have not one regret. Did I get the "I'm sorry"? No, not in words, but his dancing eyes said so much.

Ok, I'm getting all emotional and don't want to. Just know we care and will be here to support you every step of the way in the ways that we can. PC was my cornerstone during that time.

You're so appreciated and cared for here.

KD

[Larry_Hoover]

Thanks so very much, KD. That was beautiful.

Lar

[January]

Remember, it really is all right to resent and even not love the unlovable...

Hugs,

Jan

[bebop]

Jan you are so right hon!!