Codependent married to a classic narc

So much didn't make sense to me lately until I discovered something tonight.

I just couldn't figure out why my typically narc partner basically 'wrote me off' and was nasty to me when I came home from work one night last week when I came home from work. We'd been doing alright before that.

Then when I reached out affectionately the following day, shes mean to me. And then is nasty ever since and followed me around taunting me for four days after morning noon and night, until I cant' take it any more. It's like shes desperate for something to blame me for. (needs ammunition) Trying to find ways to provoke me and have something that would allow her to 'write me off', instead of needing me anymore. And I'm just so confused why this person can't respect my desire to be alone, free of being taunted, so I can just have some peace.

All I was asking for was some space away from this taunting and to be left alone, but I'm given no respect of that. Of course when I can't take it any more I yell and swear... things I regret and later apologize for.

My partner however... no remorse, regret, or willing to admit ANY wrongdoing. Unable to apologize for continually harassing and provoking me, literally chasing me around the house. And inventing things... like making it sound like I'm violent!! But I never have and will never be!!

Days of fighting follow where I'm being harassed and can't make any sense of why my partner is acting this way.

UNTIL today I discover that on the VERY SAME DAY she seems to have simply decided I don't matter to her anymore, she also found a new 'crush' who appears to have accepted her as her "understudy", and now suddenly she's been making secret plans to leave and go away with them in the next few months.

When I confront her with this, she gets super viscous and continues attacking me about all the fighting that happened the days afterwards. But still no admitting of all this deceit that's been going on secretly behind my back all this time.

Wow suddenly it all makes sense now, what didn't before. And I'm pretty sure this is again typical of the narc person. For years I couldn't figure out why my partner would act this way, then I learned about narcs and it all started to fall into place.

Why am I married to a narcissist? They are so evil, sadistic and painful to spend your life with!!!!! I'm turning increasingly to alcohol to numb the pain, and crying myself to sleep. Which is not good. I don't want to have substance addiction. I just hate this so much I feel like I'm dying inside.

I've no friends anymore.. they've all gotten busy with life and I've lost contact.

On sunday it was so hard to just wake up and take baby steps through life.

I know I should find a therapist to talk to, and am happy I've found psych central.

I almost can't accept the idea of ending my marriage no matter how painful it is.. I guess I was raised with this 'marriage is sacred' ideal. I must be a masochist or something.

I just can't cope with the idea that my marriage ends... or that I keep living with this psyco person.

Wow I need help.

Keep in mind that even living together with someone before marriage (if you possibly did) does not give you an accurate picture of what the person is truly like. Please don't blame yourself for getting into a relationship like this one. Yes, it could be something about you that led you to be attracted to her, but at least now you recognize it's not a healthy relationship.

How about talking to a counselor about the situation? I honestly don't believe God expects us to stay in an abusive relationship with someone who won't change. Frankly, she seems to be doing you a favor by moving on, although I'm sure it hurts. It sounds like you gave it every chance.

BTW, my mother has narcissitic personality disorder--and my father was very passive. It was very sad watching how she emotionally abused this dear man.

Why do Narcissists think that they are so cool? Couldn't you picture your NARC husband acting like Rihanna in this video? Think about how easy it would be to just hit him with a bomb. Seriously, does he think that a big spikey dress would protect anyone? Just tell him to go get a life because you have one. If all else fails, you will just have to move and stuff. I am sure that some dude will just punch him is in the face because he is walking around asking for someone to beat his stupid ***.

Don't let some stupid person who thinks he is cool run your life. Get a restraining order if all else fails.

It makes me so angry and hurt that she thinks everything revolves around her. It's all her fun playtime, and if I so much as want or need anything she's a total jerk in response. It's like she's willing to sacrifice the whole entire relationship at a drop of a hat.. and of course ANY problem is my fault. She never will apologize for anything. Why do I keep on with this thinking this person is capable of growing or changing?

I am not sure exactly the best way to handle this situation if you desire to continue a relationship with her. Although, I think it would be easiest to just stop interacting with her.

Are you going to just continue to date someone whom will simply stand there and watch you cry without regretting anything?

Do you really care what someone whom will "tie you to the bed and set [the] house on fire" with you inside the house? Why do you intentionally submits yourself to such an unhealthy relationship? Have you ever considered that you might be insane? In fact, I think you both should be considered legally insane at this point in time. Maybe some mental health providers will be able to figure out what is wrong with you both.

Mr. outNabout, I truly feel for you. Last night I was looking for books/information about abuse, I was sexaully abused at age five to six. I stumbled across information on naricissism and, for the first time, my relationship with my wife makes sense. My wife has been my gf for thirty years now. I always thought,"She just needs someone to truly love her."
I promise, if she is as narcissistic as it sounds, you are much better off divorcing. Let her go terrorize someone else. Your heart needs healing, you will NEVER be good enough to satisfy the narcissist! It is an absolute immpossibility.

It seems pretty easy for some of you to say get out. I think if it was that simple there would be many more divorces and breakups not only due to "NPD". With this its easy to become a victim and not ever be able to get out because as things are bad they tend to also have high points due to this disorder. When the manipulation begins whether for our own reasoning on knowing what our partner wants to hear thus making them feel things are ok and he/she understands me. Especially when there is a codependent involved as it only strengthens the "N"s ways to get more and more of whats needed. Im still trying to figure out if this forum is for us who have this disorder or for the others involved with us as a place to vent about their "N"s. Only reason why I am so open to discuss is because I am self aware, if I was still in my ways of not recognizing I would be laughing at the nons here or anywhere that discuss these issues. Do realize that I do not sit and read these posts and feel that I know your pain as I have been the one for so long to cause these type of things to my family. Question though for joshuas-mommy, have you been involved with an "N" as you seem to know all the answers, or is it you just listen to songs and begin to understand things more???? I actual believe you have, this is why I am assuming all this anger towards his "N". You were hurt by one of us and the "think they are so cool" or "drop a bomb" comments makes you feel good to write sort of like I got you back. Be careful though because if you were once the victim likely to happen again and some of us are even more special than most which in turn creates a much more difficult situation for their partner. Just my thoughts!!!

This sounds like my relationship. He is never satisfied with me, has wanted me to change since the beginning, and always finds things to judge and criticize.

He apparently can't understand why I don't like this.

After seven years we are separating but he wants to remain friends.

I have often thought it would be best to let him go torment someone else.

Love isn't always enough.

To outNabout and Undergroud: I hear you underground. It's hard for you to see reality as we "N's do. What we go through is so very painful and we keep believing that what NPD people do can be changed. We tell ourselves, "If only..." and then add "if only I would be, do, say something different he/she would feel my feelings, treat me kind, be faithful, stop yelling, think of me...and it goes on. But then the "NPD's" can't see that. They see that they give so much and ask, "Why don't they get it? Why do they say that the things we are saying are absurd, after all I have given so much of myself. The world doesn't understand that I am right, that I am just trying to make my point and that I'm not raging, that I really do care but can't I share my life (of course with not inquiring about the 'N's", ever), why should I have to apologize, it was their fault anyway!" and so it goes on and it's so much a delusion. I can say that. I have loved a man for 8 years who until two weeks ago I found out he had an entire second life. Without a blink he'd jump from one bed to another, having a separate groups of friends he'd hide from me and the other girl, take long vacations with each of us telling the other he was alone, send us identical texts, look to both of us for our support, rage at both of us, tell us both he loved us only and more than anyone in the whorld. Any challenge to his beliefs or opinions or any hint that he was maybe having an affair as met with big drama and rage. So I get it outNabout. Its' terrible painful. AND it's so hard to stay away and resist staying in the relationship or when finally parted, get back in touch. They'll find a way to get us back. A sweet card, a call or text, some sexual enticement, or with me a beautiful DVD of all of our happy times that took many, many hours to make (all the while have the other girl help him perfect the music for what she alway thought was his gig and not for his secret other lover). I get the addiction and the hopeless feeling you feel. and the humiliation with friends and family when they see you gain with the person. I too am so tired and yet so very addicted. He thrives on my weakness because he doesn't understand his abuse and how I feel. He can't because of his illness. His relationship with her was all my fault, of course. I couldn't meet his needs, but, predictable, "I love you more!" There is nothing anyone can do. We can only save ourselves and I know how hard it is. I have to rely on just about every friend I have (and believe me they have just about committed me for continuing to return to him with the equally insane delusion that he will change). So those who are saying just to leave have no idea how terribly difficult it is to do. outNabout. I send you all of my best light, love and compassion to be strong and break away from this addiction. Stay away from any reminders of your lover and move towards your future. Keep you eye on the ball and slowly I believe that doing that, and with a tremendous amount of help, we can finally break free.

I don't think its easy to live with or without someone you care about, no matter what the situation is