[brightnhappy]

Okay, I'm going to try and make this long story short.

I am so confused right now. I've been taking care of my elderly parents for a few years now with little help from my much older siblings. There is one sibling in particular who has just finished nursing school that has made it clear that she would like to be in complete control of my parents all of a sudden.

This sibling has demonstrated on several occasions that she is not fully capable of this. Even though she is now a nurse, she continually makes mistakes in the care of both parents. Last winter when my Dad almost died of pnuemonia, she seemed very confident about what she was doing in regard to his medications etc and would refuse to listen to me. I had to literally scream at her sometimes to get her to listen and see what she was doing wrong. I was at my wits end and extremely tired. My Dad would also call me at work in terrible pain from his catheter because she was unreachable. Eventually, I was terminated from my postition.

Both parents were in the hospital in May and I decided not to work this past summer because I knew if they weren't taken care of properly, something else would go wrong and I couldn't handle either one of them going into the hospital again. My worst nightmare is dealing with death or funerals. I can do everything except that and I'm scared to death to be around when this happens.

Okay, here's what I'm confused about: The past couple of weeks have been emotionally draining because it seems whenever this sibling is around, my parents become VERY angry towards me to the point of asking me to leave the house. Yesterday was the worst because this older sibling already uses one of my cars but was loaning it out to her son. She was called for a job interview while I was out with my Dad and somehow "found" some keys to my minivan and took it to get to this interview.

The whole thing seemed so weird to me and needless to say, I was livid as was my Dad at the time. He assured me that he would talk to her but I made a prediction that as soon as she walked in the door, she would say something that would make him see things differently.

Okay, so I went to take my Mom's cat to the vet in their car and when I got back, my Dad was standing outside with her smiling and talking very calmly. He said she couldn't help it and that she had to go to this interview right away. Everything else was forgotten and I wasn't allowed to say anything.

What on earth is she saying to them to make them behave this way towards me? Why are they so easily forgetting how much I've given up to help them full time? I am twenty plus years younger than the rest of their children and lately, I've become increasingly frustrated with how I'm being treated and just don't know what to do.

I've been told by friends to just leave and build a new life for myself but I'm still scared for my parents. The thought keeps running through my mind as well that if I leave, I will basically have no family. I am a single female with two large dogs and when my parents are gone, that will be it for me. The thing I don't get is that my parents and I were getting along really well before this older sibling stepped in again and started "helping" more frequently. I just don't understand where this big change in attitude is coming from and I can't do anything about it. They absolutely refuse to see my side of things. My Dad showed no support towards me at all after she took my minivan. I still haven't figured out where she got those keys from. I have every single one of my keys to that car.

Am I missing something here? I mean, my parents are still able to think very well for themselves. Why would they allow her to control them and actually be happy about it? She manages to be extremely nice to them and make them think she's really helped them when she's barely done anything. I guess I don't have that ability within me because I am thoroughly confused about how she's managing to do this!!!

I would like anyones take on how I should be handling all of this. Should I just get into the mindset of I'm losing my parents and things will never be the same. She's definitely not going anywhere and right now, they would choose her care over mine even though I know I do a better job.

I'm so hurt and scared. Is there anything I can do to turn this situation around?

[bebop]

first of all I would talk to them about it. open those communication doors. have you thought she may have had a key made for your minivan? good luck!

Hi brightnhappy,

This website has a lot of good info, you might also want to do a search and see if you can find an online group (much like this one). I'm sure their are others in your situation.

Click here

[Perna]

I'm the youngest of my siblings too. I think the youngest never gets a whole lot of respect no matter what but I also think working or not working makes a difference; "professional" titles and jobs can make a difference for some reason with parents (and others) too.

You are eventually going to lose your parents so yes, I'd work with a counselor toward that day. I found it very stabilizing when my stepmother was dying/died to have a therapist to talk to. I'd also get a job and move away from my parent's house since it doesn't seem like you can help having this sibling around. I'd try to disengage from their care (especially now when it seems they're doing a bit better?) and/or maybe try to get them interested in an assisted living situation so you wouldn't have to worry as constantly either about them or your sibling's meddling. I'd give up on the car thing or install a theft deterrant lock on the steering wheel like "The Club"? Some extra lock that couldn't be duplicated. That would certainly get the message across. Too bad at the time you didn't think to at least ask her for $5 for gas or something, not mean but getting a message across that it's your property and costs money to own and operate.

[brightnhappy]

Thank you very much guys for your replies!

Perna, you are right. I need to try and concentrate on myself as much as possible right now and get a good job.

I've had many people tell me the past few days how I should seperate myself right now. I've been told it will help them understand what is like without someone to be close by to help. One of the main things I'm worried about is that because my Dad takes percocet, he has on several occasions been eating and talking at the same time. This leads to him choking and me giving him the heimlich. Yeah, it's been that bad.

I don't know. I think even the process of moving out of this house will require me to have therapy! Like I've said, my worst nighmare is getting that phone call that an emergency has happened and I'm not close by enough to get there in time.

By the way, the older sibling that's a nurse has been called in emergencies before when I really needed help with the parents. I found it unusual that at those times, she chose not to drive my car over but when I was desperate and looking out the window to see if she was coming I would see her walking slowly down the street smoking a cigarette. These were real emergenices too. I REALLY need to figure this stuff out

Now I need to make sure I'm going to the right therapist

[AlteredState01]

I have had the same experience with 2 sisters - both of whom are medically trained - one a radiologist, the other a physiotherapist.

When my mother could no longer take care of my father by herself (he refused to go to a hospital to die), she called me to help her. I lived in another province at the time and returned home specifically for this reason.

When my father was at his most critical - nearing death - all of a sudden, both sisters were swarming around, handing out advice; taking over wherever and whenever possible. Both seemed to hold great sway with each parent as to how things should be done, which, of course, left me out of the picture completely.

I didn't understand what was happening either. After all, I was the only one there all the time! I knew when/what meds to give my father; what his discomforts were; what state my mother was in, emotionally and physically. Neither knew any of this, but it didn't stop them.

I feared my illness played a part in the doubts my parents were having about my ability to care for them - it certainly didn't help that my sisters kept reminding them of it. It upset my father to the point that he would no longer allow me to minister to him. He thought I was trying to kill him. Even when he was totally delusional all the time (because of the painkillers), he still would not let me near him. Oh, how that hurt!!

My mother, too, was confused as to who to look to. Neither parent really understood my illness - never tried to - so I had to accept their fears as being reasonable considering the circumstances.

I also acquiesced to my sisters demands when they were around. I just got out of their way. If they screwed up, we all knew who was to blame....

My sisters, with their lives, could not have possibly dropped it all to care for my parents as they needed to be cared for - and were not prepared to make that sacrifice, either. I was, however.

After my father passed away, my mother realized that it was I who stayed with them right through to the end, and she thanked me for it. She even asked if I would plan my father's funeral (I think she did this to help me deal with the rejection my father had shown me near the end). I cried and cried when this acknowledgement came to me.

[AlteredState01]

Don't leave just yet. Give it time.

Time was the only thing I had on my side. Time proved my dedication to my parents and time proved my sisters' real intentions.

Altered State