Marriage in pieces, bipolar wife does not love me anymore

I am new to this, trying to stay sane and seeking support and trying to understand what has happened to my marriage. My wife of 15 years has been diagnosed with BP when she was 17, she never took meds while we were married, first stopped when we had out first child (we have two now). I knew she was BP but I thought I could handle the mood swings, I had not experienced a full blown manic episode until last year.( Hallucinations, dangerous behavior..)
I was never physically abusive, never cheated, always supported my family, worked endless hours, stable job ..all the stuff I thought would make a good husband. On the other hand I was often tired, frustrated and used harsh words against my wife when I felt she was out of line. I had lost a lot of faith and trust after I learned that she had run up a $20,000 credit card without my knowledge. (she was not working, I made less than $60k) I felt justified to control finances and her, because "she" was the problem, I was the "perfect" husband. We often fought, especially when she had alcohol, she got in these "mini manic episodes" (up until I saw a real episode, I thought that was the extend of the disorder).
I thought about leaving, threatend divorce, never even considered counseling, because in my mind it was ALL HER FAULT.
Eventually a visit by my family went sour, she went into a rage, I called the cops- they did not believe me and pretty much told me that they would arrest me if I called them again.(I did not tell them that my wife was bipolar, just stated that she was drunk and I wanted them to calm her down because I did not want our kids to witness the stuff the was doing) Anyway--she kicked me out that night, that was about 18 months ago.
She did not talk to me at all for a while, then agreed to see a counselor with me. The sessions were difficult. She could not look at me. I was horrified to see that she was actually scared of me. I did not understand that because all along I thought she did not care about anything I said to her. Our arguments over the years always followed the same pattern. Something came up, I told her "to get over it", she would drink sometimes, things got out of control, the next day she would feel horrible about what she did or said, I would let her suffer and then eventually things got better and we moved on. I honestly did not listen or care about her problems- afterall I had "real" problems, like job and financial issues, while all she had to do was to raise our kids. ( I am typing this and I hate myself for ever being like that )
With counseling things got better, after a few months I moved back in the house, then things took a 180 degree turn, she yelled profanities at me in front of our kids, told me she wanted me out, lied to her friends (that did not know me at all) about the horrible things I did to her.
I did not know what to do. I loved her. I did not feel any love from her. Our kids were in a bad place. I went to see an attorney. I came back and told her that we can divorce, that I would pay spousal and child support and that she would be fine financially, if thats what she wanted. The idea was that I did not want her to think that she had to stay with someone she hates because of finances. I wanted her to stay with me for me. Things did not get better, she did whatever she wanted, went out with friends I didn't know, talked to men I didn't know, up until that point the lowest point of my life. I followed her one day and saw her walk into an attorneys office. In full panic I filed for divorce that same day, pretty much to "beat her to the punch". (there are legal reasons for that, but I clearly over-reacted)
Then things got bad, I was still living at the house, we did not interact "well". Her anger turned into sleepless nights, staying up on the computer or texting a guy she had met. Things got worse, her family ended up calling the cops on her, she was to my horror arrested on a 5150 and taken to a hospital for a week and was on meds for the first time in 15 years.
She was a mess when she came back. We talked. I had started counseling myself and learned alot about the mistakes I made in the relationship. Things got better. Suddenly we had a romantic relationship. We were boyfriend/girlfriend. I changed the divorce to a legal seperation, we agreed to still go through with it for financial reasons and because I wanted her to be independent from me. Again I did not want her to need me , I wanted her to want me. We went on vacations together and I felt that we were a true loving family for the first time. We had two seperate homes, but we stayed overnight at each others places frequently. I told her that I love her. She said "thank you". About three weeks ago her attorney sent her a draft of the seperation agreement. She shared it with me and it contained some parts that were unacceptable for me. I mean really not possible...anyway. Now we are back at square one or worse. Very little contact, I finally got to talk to her the other day and told her that I don't want a divorce, that I thought we should try counseling, that I love her and miss her. She told me that we never had a single good day in our marriage, I verbally abused her, my family hates her, she does not feel any love for me. I accidently found out that she started talking to another man again. I have not confronted her, afterall we are seperated and sadly it is not really any of my business and I don't want to feed into her paranoia.(At some point in the past she was convinced that I am either a foreign spy or a terrorist---rest assured, I am neither, I work an office job in a large cooperation, if you ever watched the movie "Office Space"--thats's me.
I could write a book about being married with a bipolar sufferer. It's tough. It's sometimes very rewarding. My struggle is that 99% of the reasons my wife hates me are her truth, not mine. I made soooo many mistakes--that would have been a challenge in any relationship, but were made worse due to the "BP-factor". I have corrected most if not all behaviors that contributed to our struggles. My wife has not acknowledged that anything that has happend to us were caused by her own behavior or that her behavior at least contributed to it. I am ok with that--I am a "clean slate kinda guy". I love my wife dearly. I know that staying together will always be a struggle. I want to apply what I have learned and make the best of it. Her family has given up on her. They told me to "give her space, she will come around if she wants to". She broke of contact with everyone who cares about her besides a few friends who I don't have any contact with or I even know. She does not see her counselor or psychiatrist anymore. I am worried she is drifting towards another hard manic episode. I am trying to avoid any triggers, any stress that could cause one. I am staying away. I don't accuse her of anything. I tell her that I love her. I tell her that I am here for her if she wants to talk. For Mother'ss Day I gave her a framed picture of her and our girls, she liked that, I just left it at her front door.
She is a wonderful mom, but my kids have seen her when she was not well, and are very sensitive to any change in behavior. I don't think of myself as "the knight in shining armor", but I do think that I truly love this person. I feel that "we" are bipolar, not her. I feel that we are a great team, when we work together.
I don't know what to do. I am scared of the next episode. I don't want her to get hurt. I don't want to get hurt. I don't want our children to get hurt.
I know what some of you may be thinking, that I am just another abusive co-dependent control freak who can't let go. I was that person. I became that person. I am no longer that person. It did not yield the results that I wanted, so I really turned things around. I know that without BP things would have evolved differently, I just did not know enough about it to make corrections to my own behavior. So right now, today, I need to know what to do. My choices are to continue to pretend that I don't know that she is taling to anohter man and to continue to tell her that I am committed to us and continue to tell her that I love her OR should I limit all contact to stuff related to the children, keep my feelings to myself and give her space and see if she comes back.
Option number three would be to tell my attorney to move forward, finalize the divorce and let her know that she was wrong about me all these years and that I know she has been unfaithful and I am done her abuse, lies, rage and blame --- that is the advice I have been getting from friends, family, counselors.. I know it would possibly trigger anohter episode. I can not hurt the women I love so dearly. I don't believe all is lost. What should I do?

Wow!

It sure sounds like you are confused and suffering.

Right now the most important thing is to aim for some measure of tranquility for both yourself and your children. I know you said that your wife is a good mother but the exposure to the arguments, bipolar mania, and drinking is NOT ok for the kids and it sure as hell isn't good for you or your relationship with the kids.

It sounds like you wife has a long way to go to achieve stability. In the mean time, limiting your contact with her and taking steps to make sure the kids aren't exposed to any further destructive behavior is your best move. That may mean divorce, it may mean having the kids with you more than they are with her.

If your wife is unwilling to pursue getting well, or at least stable, then it's time for some tough love. Acknowledge your mistakes (which you've done) and then distance yourself from her drama and protect the kids from any further damage to their mental health.
Don't mean to sound preachy but you did ask for opinions.

I have been where your wife is... I have put my husband and kids through more than they ever deserved. I remember during my last manic episode I told my husband I did not love him. I was talking to another man I was using drugs staying out all night acting straight crazy.
What did he do he filled for divorce kept the kids from which is completely understandable.. He stayed away from me this lasted about 6 months. He even meet another women and was gonna move in with her.
After that he did come to me told me I filled for divorce the kids and I are gonna move in with my girl friend. I remember thinking on it for about 3 days. I called apologized told him I did love him and I would get help... It's now a year later I am taking my med and we are together like a family for what feels like the first time in my life..
I don't really now how to put it I feel like he saved my life.
I know this really don't help much just my story

Thanks-- I am really bad with "tough love", but I know that you are right. I have not had much success with assertiveness in the past; I often come across "mean" and that's not really what I want. I really appreciate your response, its not easy for me to ask for advice amongst friends and family, they have seen "the bad" and not "the good" and pretty much tell me to run and not look back.

Thank you for your response- I am glad to hear that not all relationships at my stage are "doomed". Your story sounds like a fairytale to me. That is what I would like to see happen, and I thought we were on track. I thought that the last breakdown was the "wake up call". But I guess it was not enough. She is the mother of my children, for that reason alone I don't want anything to happen to her. I am also terribly impatient , the last two years have been quite a ride. I don't want to give up. Everytime I am close to call it quits the wonderful person I fell in love with so long ago shines through...then she withdraws again. I think I am actually a "stresser" for her and not being around her actually makes her feel better and more stable. Not exactly what I want but I think I might actually help both of us if I just stay away for now. Again, thanks! And just know that your husband is a lucky man to be with you.

It sounds to me that part of the problem are her bipolar episodes, and part of the problem are problems in relationship generally, potentially unrelated to the bipolar. I have a feeling that not all of this can be blamed on the bipolar. Her bipolar is a part of her, but not all of her, and I think it's important to keep in mind that she'll have characteristics -positive and negative- that are just her, quite apart from the disorder, just as you do.

As you've mentioned in some ways, you're aware that it takes two, and if there have been such intense problems for so long, both of you probably have some part in it and need to take some responsibility as part of the process of moving on.

I find this concerning: My wife has not acknowledged that anything that has happend to us were caused by her own behavior or that her behavior at least contributed to it

I just think it's important for both parties to admit their role in relationship difficulties. I don't know if you have directly to her or not.

Does she see a psychiatrist regularly? Is she on medication?

You've already tried couple's counseling, maybe it would be helpful for both of you to get into individual counseling. Both to figure out and deal with the original/core problems as well as the fallout.

You are correct, that was all along my biggest mistake- I blamed EVERYTHING on BP. Here is where it gets tricky: I like her the way she is. I don't mind the mood swings, I no longer react to them. Full blown manic episodes are not ok, I have seen how dangerous they are, during the last one we both could have gotten killed-it was that bad. (She was driving...I was in the passenger seat.)
She is an amazing woman- I want her to see me as her partner, a resource, a friend-someone she can trust. I have been trying to get her back into counseling ever since we stopped. Our counselor used phrases like "Could you at least consider the possibility that your husband meant something other than to hurt you during (any random) event?"- the answer was always "No." Granted our counselor was not that great--after my first "one-on-one" session she told me that she did not see any evidence of my wife having bipolar. I thought--great-- so we are just a normal dysfunctional couple.. a few month later my wife thought she had been visited by aliens and tried to jump out of a car window at 60 MPH. I am seeing a counselor, am taking an anti depressent and anti anxiety meds since we split. I knew that I could only change what I do. I am just trying to get through to her now. Thanks for the reply!!!

First of all I want you to know that you have incredible courage. It's not easy to recognize that your behaviors were causing major problems in your relationship. Many people can't do this and I admire you VERY much for the steps you have taken to improve your marriage. You also went to counseling and have tried to deal with your own issues which is not an easy process. Well done.

It seems to me that at the present there is a lack-of-trust issue that is going both ways. You cannot trust your wife because you know she is prone to drinking, perhaps infidelity and won't take responsibility for her recovery. It's very possible that despite the changes you have made she feels that she cannot trust you. Sometimes a person, BP or not but in BP with paranoia I think it can be worse, can take a while to be convinced that a change is genuine.

I would suggest taking small steps. The story about your mother's day gift to her was beautiful. Do things like that. Connect over your kids. If she needs space or pulls away don't pursue her immediately; she might feel threatened by an action like that. If a time arises when she is in a 'stable' moment; neither manic or depressed, try to sit down with her and ask her if she might be able to define the boundaries she wants you to respect. You can try to take this time to tell her some of the boundaries you would like her to respect as well. I think this is important for a couple who has children even if they split up. Either way there will likely be some long-term relationship between you two because of your children.

Keeping all that in mind, there is a point where you might have to withdraw completely. If she continues with destructive or dangerous behaviors and absolutely refuses to address the issue then there is little you can do. Wellness is a process, it's a struggle and in part it is determined by the dedication of the person seeking it. As wonderfully as you have done trying to change your own behaviors you cannot hand her wellness. You had to earn your changes and she must earn hers.

Above all else, keep a close eye on how she is when she is with your children. You probably already know this but they should not be alone with her if she is in a severe manic or depressive stage. Some people with bipolar can be wonderful mothers, but sometimes the condition can spill out and effect the children. Make sure you explain to them that she is sick, but depending on how old they are you might consider answering any questions they have about her recovery process - or lack thereof - as honestly as possible. If this comes up you need to try to do it in as neutral a way as possible. The point is to be honest to your children without them taking it as a judgement against their mother.

So, in summary, take it very slow. It's a long process and hard on the patience but if it is as important to you as it seems to be it might be worth it in the long run.

Thanks--its late, I have to go to bed,but I appreciate your advice. Had a bit of a setback today again..but I'll try to keep going.

Thank you for the advice. I had anohter experience yesterday that started as a school function for my daughter, a family dinner in a restaurant, grocery shopping and then a barrage of accusations and insults ( I left her home immediatly) , followed by a short midnight phonecall (why did I pick up?) , a couple vicious text messages..and then an apology for one of the really low blows via text message in the morning. After that it was all business as ususal-as if nothing happened. Picked up my daughter after work and she offered me dinner but was as distant as ever. I did not say anything, I was pretty uncomfortable. Ugh--our 15th anniversary is on Sunday-- I want to acknowledge but not come on toooo strong. I thought 15 Roses and just a simple card, I thought about just writing a line from a beatles song "Who knows how long I've loved you?You know I love you still..Will I wait a lonely lifetime? If you want me to I will." --I know it's sappy, but I want to remind her that I am still here. She made an appointment with her therapist--so I think she knows something is not right. unfortunatly that particluar therapist had her convinced previously that she is not bipolar (unlike the three psychiatrists who talked to me after her last episode) but that she may have PTSD from all the abuse she suffered in our marriage. So I think part of the reason she likes seeing her is because she is telling her what she wants to hear. Anyway--do you think I should give her roses or is that inappropriate given our separation and situation? Her mother keeps telling me to let her know that I love her and to give her space.

mate.. I've been through this.

my ex wife cheated on me & spent all our money, wrecked the house & left me several times.

eventually I had to come to a point where I knew I wasn't going to take anymore, and that I KNEW she wasn't going to stop her cheating.

you need to come to that place too.

It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do, but I called some lawyers to see how I could get full custody before I made a move.
I made the necessary arrangements, told her to pack her bags & left her at her mothers.

2 years later we're divorced, I'm a solo father with full custody and have moved to a new town to start a new life.

I wish I had made the move sooner.... you haveto stop romanticising your love for her.
Love is a two way street, and if she wont walk the road with you then you need to show her she can't have her cake and eat it.

it's hard, but I look back with no regrets.
I know I did everythig i could for her & she treated me with disdain.

Thanks. I am trying to climb out of this hole of self pity right now, not used to losing control over myself like that. My support system here is equally dysfunctional as my marriage was; I am not native to the US, my family is in europe and they have no clue as to what is going on here....her family is doing whatever they can to help me and the kids, they have emotionally detached themselves already. I am juggling my job, divorce proceedings that are currently halted, two households and a bunch if emotional stuff for almost two years now. Having anxiety has become so normal that I feel strange when I dont have any. Its good to hear the same thing from different people again and again, I just need to let go. Thanks!!!

I am dealing with serious problems in my relationship right now, of which I know both of us a part of and neither of us has been diagnosed with anything...I just started therapy and he refuses to go. I've been reading these threads looking for some answers, and I just wanted to say that your post gave me a lot of insight...I had never even considered that it might be useful to distinguish between what traits/problems are just "us" and which ones might be related to possible psych issues. Thank you!