[_skylin_]

anothr horribl fite wth my 22yr old son. he ovrherd me talking to a frend about som of this frustratn. it DOS get to be too mcch somtimes. he intrruptd the phone convo to get into it wtth me, it got so bad i had to get off the phone. we are not talking about a 10 yr old. and what he ovrherd me talking about was NOT intimat details, it was stuff about all the kids in ggeneral like not getting ANY of them to do anythng, like any mom wood. i undrrstand he's extra sensitiv. but it didnt end ther. he fell bak to calling me all the sstuff he calls me. THEN he sed that my dauter feels the same way and she cant wate to get out too. she hates me as well. and thay BOTH hate, cant stand my husbbnd. ther stepfatthr. he called him awful names too. and ssed my dauter felt tthe same way. he woodnt stop.
i lost it.
we just hav re-arangd this entire famly one too many times for him. we hav handed him money one ttoo many ttimes. evn if she DID say and feel thos tthngs (whch i simply askd her latr, and its all untrue. she's a 'my feelings are on my ssleev' kinda persson, and it usuly gets her in ttrubl. tthats why i doutd what he sed anywway) it simply givvs him no rite to use tthem agenst me.
he wwas goin all tthe way bak to tearrin me ddown as a teen mom.
THEN GO BAK TO THERPY! CAUS I CCANT FIX YOU OR ME!
and i cant take tthis anymor. i'v reechd my limit. thats enuff.
i can meet him on his playing ffeeld of he has PTSD and uses SI and has DID and needs all tthis speshul attentn and i HAVE. bbut i'm not shur it shood givve him continud lisense to do tthis and screem 'i'm a victim!' whenevr he wants. i no how tthis makes me ssownd. but nobody wwas heer. nobody heers how it unffolds evry singl time. he dosnt talk randomly. he ses tthe same tthings evry ttime. he nos wwhat he is saying and beleevs it. he dos NOT owe us respect, he ses that. we do NOT earn it. my husbband is simply a money w*****. and ALL the prroblms he has now IS MY faullt compleetly. i had ttotl conttrol and desided to do tthees things to him.

pleez forgiv me ffor bbeing so blunt. pleez forgive me for using tthe wrrong icon, if i did. tell me if it needs editting. i just had to get it all out or i wwood explode.

sara

[Milanist]

You did well! Talking about it releases the tension if nothing else which is botteled up!
I cant offer you any advice because i dont know anything about the subject, all i know is that you need to do something for you once in a while because if you dont have some kind of tension release you will blow, this thime it was in words, next time you cant say!

You and your family will be in our thoughts! Thats for sure!
Good luck, and keep God present in your life! He is a great help to me!

[(JD)]

The line will only be drawn by the patient sometimes...and he needs therapy to get to a point where he isn't so miserable.

I'm not sure why he was in your home if he left and can't handle your phone conversations. You might be able to help the situation there... set guidelines about his coming over... he has to call first and you have to agree. That way he won't be able to intrude at his leisure. I think that's a line you can draw.

PTSD is a beast. Yes, being stuck in ruts is part of the beast. (Saying the same thing over and over, being unable to rethink things for a new perspective.) It won't get better with time...unless some time is in therapy.

You also need to talk with an expert until you do understand the nature of this ptsd beast. It will help you cope immensely if you can understand it some. It will help you not take his acting out the drama so personally.

Good wishes.

[_skylin_]

thank you both ffor replying. ttruth.

i gess i sshood hav wrrote mor. i wwas so vrry stressd. my bad, ssorry.

my 22yr old son stil livs wth us. and 4 othr teens. my ex abused him, my 17yr old dautr and me badly. (he was the ministr of our church) we hav (my husbnd now and i) gottn my son into therpy, a psych, on meds, and my son fownd an online support groop(online wrrks best for him, he sed). he sed he wood want to take a yr off, to deal. ok, frankly aftr a 'stint' in the psych ward, his dr. agreed. so we tryd to get him on SSDI, he has takn a med. leev of absens frm wrrk, and quit scool. in tthat interem, he has just gottn vicius wth me. and its only ggoin downhill. i HAVE read up on PTSD, ttruth. and i'v tryd to meet him on tthat playingfield. but its gottn so outof hand. he bullys me, told a ton of lies abbout his sistr, told me unless he stays online downstares playing the 'putr ggame all nite (and i DO meen all nite, aftr he's ben on it most of the day), he will go upstares to his room and SI. this is emotnall blackmail! and i hav 4 othr kids who deserv a turn on the puter! and who DO go to scool and hav homewrrk and succh on it! and who mite jusst want to play too!

this last argumnt just wnt to anothr level and my post was weerd. and i'm sory about that. we had just paid for a speeding tickt and his car tags that he just wasnt woryd about. if we didnt, how was he gona get bakn forth to dr appts?? my husbnd takng off wrrk?? i sugestd he sell som of the games he dosnt play anymor. nope, not woryd about it. and indeed, he didnt hav to be. my husbnd paid them. THEN he calld my husbnd a money ***** and sed he hated him. i just blew up! it wasnt a montth ago he took off to NY, on a bus, blew all his bday money (he cood have savd som of THAT money for the tickt and tags!) and then whn he was done, he calld and askd for a bus tikt home.

ther's the story in a nutshell. yes he has teribl problms. i told him he needs to get bak into therpy. NOW. but frankly, i'v had it. i cant deal wth this anymor. i dont thnk some of it is the PTSD problms.

thanks for lisening, truth. its good just to get it out.

sara

[OneAndMany]

Sara,

I hear your pain and frustration and love for your children. I speak here from the point of view of someone who has been abused by my father, has a mother who did not see it, I still have PTSD (age 36), have DID, and I have a 2 yo daughter who was abused before my husband and I adopted her.

I've gone back and read through your posts. The computer makes it hard to say something gently, so please try to read this gently. Have you considered that your son is now abusing you? And you are allowing him to do this? He is 22 years old and I do not believe that you will be able to change him or force him to go through therapy. An adult must want to change before they will change. If he does have DID, that does not excuse his behavior.

I truly agree with the others who have recommended that you begin therapy for yourself. To help you understand what has happened and how to best proceed from here. You are not teaching your 22 yo about love by allowing him to treat you that way. You are not setting a good example for your 4 other children either. Would you want your daughter(s) to allow someone else to treat them the way your son treats you? Loving your son does not mean that he should be allowed to do whatever he says he needs to do. If you have been abused by your ex-husband, you may have learned a dynamic about being abused that is hard to break out of without professional help.

If you have a therapist who is experienced with abuse and PTSD, you will be able to discuss available options on how best to support your son at this point, without going broke. If you set firm boundaries and stick to them, will he end up on his own (by getting kicked out of the house)? If he does, a therapist will help you know where he can go. From what you wrote, it sounds like it is not your fault that he was abused by his father. If you are currently operating from a position of feeling guilty, you need to find a way to move out of this and support your son in a more healthy manner. I suggest that if you can only afford for your son to go to therapy, use some of that money for you to go to therapy too and cut back on his a little. If he goes weekly, have him go 3 weeks per month and you go once per month. Or each of you go every other week. If he is choosing not to go to therapy, use that money to go extra for yourself.

I really feel for you, Sara, and wish that it were easier to deal with situations like these. You and your family have gone through a lot, and you must be a very strong woman to be here now. If I have said too much, or the wrong thing, I am sorry. It is difficult to know what to say.

Elizabeth

[_skylin_]

elizabeth,
it meens so mcch to me tthat you took tthe time to go bak and reed all my posts. ttruth. i jus cant tell you. evrybody who has ansrd me, reely i hav appresheated it. i'm just at a loss.
and no. i have not ever considerd the thot that my son is now....doing that to me. even tiping it out is dificult for me. but i hav promised myself whn i 1st startd posting heer that i wood take all ansers into account becaus i AM at a compleet loss. and you have so gennuinly reeched out to me. and yor point of vview is that of wher he ses he is. i'm showing tthis to my husband, as promisd. and i simply cannot tthank you enuff. truth.

the thot of 'wood i want my dauters to let sombody treet them this way' reely struck a nerv. and fritened me. i gess i AM teeching them. and in that same line, i am teeching the othr 2 boys how to treet women. geesh, its jusst a nevr-ending thing, isnnt it.

you hav givn me pracctical things, usefful things to DO. and rite now i need this. caus i'm at a total loss. i cannot funcction at all. it is mental AND physsicl. i go to a speclist tuesday. my son coodnt hav pickd wors timing. i'm fritened. and angry. and i don't no 'wher' i am at. but i will take evrythng you hav givn me and think. and show my husband.

in a wway, i gess i am a bit releevd. for all the ansers i hav gotten. i jusst need to no WHAT TO DO. ya no??
thank you. and pleez conttinu to help. i need it.

sara

[_skylin_]

my husbband has read the stuff wrrittn too, last nite bfor we went to bed. we talkd well intto the nite.

our son is alwways blaming me for the things that happned. saying it IS my fault that we stayd so long wtth my ex, that i cood hav lefft any ttime. and yeh, i AM dealing wth the guilt.

my husbnd has encuragd me to seek the therpy you suggestd. aftr talkng, and sleepng on it......i'v desided to do it. aftr the speclist appt on tuesday, we hav a surgry to deal wth. but i'l get into therpy. i'm just at a loss on how to deal wth our son. nothng is wrrking, and its gettng wrrse. ther was no wrrds spoken last nite, but whn he gos past me, ther is the attitude........my husband and i had moved all the liquor into our bedroom aftr we notised that he had ben gettng into it. and indeed whn HE notised we did that, he kinda got an attitude. dont get tthe pic wrrong, we are not 'hevy' drinkrs......its just mixd cocktail sstuff, but it didnt occur to us. my husbband sed we dont need to add alcohol to the mx of all the othr probblms. true.

thank you elizabbeth. and evrrybody else!

pleez, i'm askng for continud support. i'm so nervus. and weak. and fritened.

sara