Everything is just falling apart! Feel like giving up... but we can't...


We love our son, but his behaviour makes it really hard to feel happiness together as a family. Our son started school this week... what an ordeal! Screaming, kicking, hitting, crying... Ran away from my hubby several time to go inside again in the morning... I had to sit on the floor holding my son in a firm way, him not to run into his room or into the kitchen. If he'd done that... I would never have gotten him out of there. I sat there with him hitting me, calling me names, all sweaty, furious, crying, screaming on top of his lunges. My hubby had to take our daughter to school... This is soooooo not good for her! When my hubby got home, we tried to get the shoes and jacket on our son- didn't work. I said to my hubby: He's going to school, if so only if there's just 2 minutes left of school time. Otherwise he'll think we don't mean buisiness and he'll do this over and over again. The neighbours had already been standing on their balcony starring before, so I told my hubby to go get the car and park it right in front of the door of the building. Then he carried our son over his shoulder, I took the shoes and jacket. My hubby couldn't get the seat belt on... our son tried to escape. I had to come and do it... We drove to school... parked the car outside and I realized that we couldn't get him to go inside school. So I got inside and knocked at the class room door to fetch his teacher. She had to come up to the car to try making him calm down and came with her into school. At first he just was growling and looking the other way. Then his teacher started talking about Super Mario and our son to go inside to draw a picture of Mario to show his friends. Finally I got his shoes on him and all four of us walked inside. He drew a picture and a nameplate after some talking... The nameplate was in the shape of a turtle... but it didn't look angry as the Super Mario turtles, he said. So I made the eyes black and drew some teeth on its mouth...


Then today... hubby was taking the kids to go grocery shopping... came home earlier than he should. The kids had behaved in such a bad way that he just could do what he was supposed to do. The came home without food and stuff.


My hubby looked awful... He lied down on our bed, pressed his face against the pillow and started to cry sooo hard. I felt so helpless! I lied myself down beside and stroked his back, talking to him very calmly. I tried to talk to the kids... about what had happened. Then our son sat on the bed... saying: You're not worth anything! You're ugly! Go back to your "old family"! I hate you! I will murder you! And he hit my hubby on his rear...


I took our son and tried to calm him down- no response. I called my parents and my dad came and now, our son and his grandfather is out together somewhere...

We do the things we're supposed to do, by contacting the different persons who are the one's to help with this kind of thing. But! They just don't get it! We need help NOW!
I met this persons specialized in working with persons who has got Asperger... I only happened to meet her and I kind of wondered... why I didn't get to see her for all these weeks I've been confused about my own dx... I was to see her and my counselor today. This person she almost started to cry when she understood our family situation. She said that we need much more help and that the other persons who is supposed to help us don't have clue about how bad things are. They just can't see it and they are lacking in knowledge about Asperger. She will help us! I really felt her compassion along with her power to actually act to help us.

I feel my sons pain and anxiety and it HURTS!
My daughter... she's not feeling good because of all this. I love them so much.... I feel so helpless!

Thank you, for letting me vent!

[mrb020377]

oh nina! i feel for you honey!!!! i wish i could wrap you up and take it all way from you and your son...
it has got to be hard on him as well as you.. i am soo sorry... i am here for you anytime ok????

[Rhapsody]

I am SORRY - my heart breaks for YOU - ((((((( HUGS )))))))..... feeling soft warm tears.

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

[FaithisAlive]

Oh dear.. I am so sorry for your pain... i can only imagine what you are going through!

My grandson is autistic.. he is 4 years old and I have not seen him for over a year so i hope he is okay... but i understand a little about aspergers having done some research ...

My thoughts are with you and your DH...and with your son..

[Sarah116]

Have a reward system and a reward perhaps - your son just loves video games! so for example when he is good behaved and helps out etc. he gets points and maybe 50 points or such equals a new video game! You should also talk with them calmly and ask them the problem or if they are upset. I feel bad for you and your family and I wish you luck!

Thank you all for your supportive words! I need some good feeding right now.

Sarah116... The system you're talking about isn't something that works with our son and his asperger. We always try to keep calm and get him to tell us what's bothering him. The thing is... it won't come until HE IS READY.
One method you're using today, might not work tomorrow. It changes all the time.
The person I saw today, she said that I really know my boy well. I feel like I know him... what is going on inside of him, pretty well. But the problem is to keep handling him... day after day... it's so draining. The energy is close to zero now. We need some help! But the persons who are supposed to help, doesn't know enough and doesn't understand just how bad things are. It makes us feel like nothing more than, whining parents. But the woman I saw today she UNDERSTOOD! She has got the right knowledge about asperger and a lot of experience working with kids and adults having this disorder. So I really hope things will start to happen now!

[therealme]

nina you know me , i find it hard to talk outright so i'v put it in verse

there is a family who needs our love
they get no help from him above
there hearts are pure
of this im sure
i read this post and started to cry
of i thought i could help to sweden id fly
i feel so useless i cant help them
so im sending my love and a single red stem
i wish it was more
of this i am sure
that they know we all care
and wish we were there
to give you support and a shoulder to cry
so nina and family in my poem i try
to tell you that in my heart im thinking of you

[desirae]

I'm so sorry your going through this. This has to be very tough. You deserve a break, it's good that Grandpa came to take him out for a bit.

I would definitely say and encourage that research for help is needed. There has to be something available out there for this type of situation.

I wish I could go out there and help you out too. I would! You and Hubby do need the occasional breaks so this does not get to overwhelming. Just try to take one day at a time, and realize it's a new fresh day everyday. This will help you get through the day.

I hope all works well, and you get the help you need with your son. Your a good firm mother, and I respect that, I also respect that you are at your wits end.....but seriously who could blame you, that's a difficult situation.

[Evangelista]

Nina...you are an amazing mom ..both what your and your family are going thru..sounds so very hard..I hope that the resources and support you are creating in IRL help really soon..take care..

Thank you, desirae and Evangelista! Your words sank right into my heart. I need you guys!

Declan! You're such a caring guy! Thanks for the thing you wrote to me!!!

[(JD)]

(((((hugs)))) Yes, you must have help in the home with him, or he won't be able to stay in the home, imo. You have to do what is best for all. If you and your spouse aren't able to recharge your energy, you will both become physically ill and then unable to function well at all. Each one of you needs some unstressed time to do something fun. I know you know this... I don't know what resources you have gone to, but surely there are some untapped? Church, Salvation Army, local Medical Tech college, the media! Keep asking for help... loudly! I hope it works out for you soon.

{{{{{{{{{{Nina}}}}}}}}}}}

[LILITH]

{{{{{{{{Nina and Family}}}}}}}} I know that if you dig down deep...You are the best mom and friend a person can have..... you will be able to keep your family intact. Things are tough when it is the begining of school... that puts stress on all, children and parents too. Things should be back to "normal" soon I pray.
Lilith

[desirae]

No problem hun, I hope getting sonny off to school has gotten easier by now. Maybe it's just a rough start, a new school year is always scary for any child. I hope you feel better.

((((((((((((((poetrylover)))))))))))))))

[alisandria]

(((nina))) so sorry you are all going through this. Who diagnosed your son with this? What does his pediatrician give for advice? I always go back to the Ped when needed (even if it means calling when he's in the midst of it-so they know how bad it is).

Can you and your hubby take turns with dealing with him? Like Monday morning you get him off to school? Tuesday Dad does? Just so the two of you have a moment of respite. Also how much can grandad do? Is it feasible for your daughter to be able to spend a little bit more time with him until you can get more help. Even a counted on half hour a week can work wonders to one's mental state of mind, right?

I don't know how it is to deal with a child like this, so not even sure any of this advice would work. All I do know is I can tell how much of a loving Mom and wife you are, don't lose sight of that!!! sending you good vibes, L.

[Peanuts]

I'm so sorry that you are are going through all this right now. Here in the states, there are centers or schools specifically for children with autism/Asperger. My son has behavior issues that were intense when he was in preschool. He is in middle school now and is doing great. My son does not have the asperger diagnosis, however, many of the interventions that help aspergers helped him.

We hooked up with a center that offered specialized therapy for children on the autism spectrum and we say immediate improvement. My son participated in weekly OT, speech language, music therapy, social skills. It was costly because insurance didn't pickup a lot of the cost and our public school was not helpful either. But it was worth every penny. I might have a shabby couch and worn out carpets, but I have a son who is bright and is able to enjoy being around people and people are able to enjoy being with him.

I don't know if you have such centers where you live of not. We found our center through a pychologist who didn't have the expertise to help us but knew of this center. We called and got on the wait list for an eval and then got started.

Hang in there - and I know it is easier said than done, however, try not to take your son's outbursts personally. Your son is very frustrated because he cannot make sense of his world and he is lashing out in the only way he can at this time. He has lots of "work" or learning to do and he will not learn it the first time around. You have to be ready for a few steps forward and then a regression. But don't lose heart because the steps forward will continue. Your son needs you and it sounds like you understand his pain very well. Your job now is to advocate for him and get him into a program.

You will find that there are many who have absolutely no clue as to what you are living with. Well meaning people will make comments that just slice into you - it is so hard to shake that off but you have to. I have learned that some folks don't mean harm and sometimes they are open to hearing information from me. There are always those who are very sure that they know more than you about your own son. Let those folks go their way and do not waste time trying to convince them. I've found those people who do not have children to be very sure in their own minds that they know all there is to know about child rearing. Ha ha.

Also - inquire with your school system so as to hook up with other parents of children with Aspergers. It has been a big help to me to be with other parents who have similiar situations. And, often, these other parents have a lead on a center, a summer camp, a therapst who has helped them and who might help you. You never know.

Hang in there and don't give up. You already know your son - which is an acomplishment in itself. You seem like you know pretty much what kind of intervention you need - you just have to locate it. And you will - you seem very determined and that is good.

Best of luck to you and your husband. I'm so sorry your husband is having a rough time of it, hopefully he will regroup and be able to jump back into the action.

[9874]

Poetrylover,
...And I thought I'm the only one who carries my son to the car...sometimes with pj's still on... his schoolclothes in a bag..... and the neighbors looking on....
I'm so sorry you are experiencing such hardship within your home; I can relate to it and to the feeling of being drained by the energy it takes.
My son was approved for OT by the Board of Ed, among other services, but he refuses to attend the OT sessions! I believe it might be a big help to him, yet I do not know how to get him to attend. I don't want to make a struggle out of it, so he just doesn't attend.
Same with social skills group. He simply doesn't attend.
It took us 3 years to get him to cooperate in attending his sessions with a psychologist, On many ocasions I forcefully took him into the waiting car...(Unfortunately, the T is unable to continue to see him this year). I can't imagine starting with a new T, struggling to get him into the car, and staying in the T's office.....
Taking care of such a child, among other already-affected children is so draining, I have had to quit work just to retain my sanity.
Any advice, guidance, direction, would be greatly appreciated.

[Sabrina]

Oh Nina, as you know, I have no experience with Aspergers. I only know what my ADHD son hands to me, but I do feel much empathy for you. Your pain and suffering, and your strong concern for your family is very evident in your words. As is your strength, that I know you don't feel right now.

I can only hope that help is out there for you and your family. And I do so wish that help comes to you very soon.

Sending you love and strength.