How to break it to a narcissist that there is a problem

Based on what I've read online, I think my mother may have narcissistic personality disorder. I want to get help for her, but she doesn't think that a problem exists. I don't know how to bring it up to her without her shutting me out of her life completely. I have a long-distance relationship with her, so this is a very real possibility.

Any suggestions would be very helpful. Thanks a lot, in advance.

Edit: I placed this in this forum specifically because I wanted to know how diagnosed narcissists realized there was a problem. I will have it moved if it belongs somewhere else, but someone will have to point me in the right direction, because I don't know how to have it done.

Has her narcissism manifested in any detrimental or dehibilitating symptoms? It is hard to diagnose unless it has had a negative effect on her ability to function healthily in society. There are requirements for diagnosis as per the DSM-5 that have to be met by the patient. If you would like to tell us about her possible symptoms, it would help to clarify the diagnostic process.

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• She thinks that psychology is a crock of lies

• She expects everyone to give to her and gives nothing in return

• She gets quite upset when her demands aren't met, even if there's a good reason they haven't been

• She always tried to maintain the facade of having a normal home life

• She made me feel guilty for telling anyone about he abuse I suffered

• She never acknowledged me emotionally, but placed the burden of her emotions on me

• She is constantly paranoid that people are talking about her behind her back

• She claims to not remember abusing me, and has gotten my younger siblings to go along with it

• I was never allowed to contradict anything she said

• She believes she has a way with people, even though the vast majority of people she meets dislike her after a while

• When people started to dislike her, she would always blame me

• She talked about me behind my back to my friends, and shared highly personal things about me with them

• She has guilted me out of at least a thousand dollars

She has exhibited more symptoms, but these were the ones I thought were most relevant to the topic at hand. Even if I've made my diagnosis incorrectly, and it's something else, I still would like advice on how to talk about something like therapy with someone with a fragile ego

Narcissists are notoriously hard to treat because they do not believe they have a problem, nothing is their fault. Nothing.
Telling her she 'has a problem' would likely result in resentment, indignation and narcissist rage.
I don't believe most narcissists have a fragile ego, its an old theory which is out dated.

The Ns in my life are as tough as old boots. The only fragile, or should I stay non existent ego is mine, any ego I had was crushed, destroyed by them years ago.

Might be better for you to just get on with your life.

After saying that, you could try and help her if you really want to, just don't expect too much.

I agree with marmaduke. The more you cater to her, the more attention you pay her, the less motivation she has to change. Plus, if you are working on yourself, if you can get some psychological distance, you will be amazed at what you learn. You will change, but she will stay in the same place. That will make it easier for you to deal with her in the future. In the meantime, dont underestimate the difficulty of the job in front of you, to learn how to truly be yourself, accept yourself, fulfill yourself. Putting her on the shelf will not automatically make everything easier. It would be nice if she could see it, but for some reason, she cant. Dont let yourself be defined by her limitations.

Why does it matter what specific disorder your mother may or may not have?

If she doesn't think a problem exists then it's probably futile to even attempt bringing it up with her. You don't need to stick around and be her punching bag either. Don't fall into the trap of trying to help someone who doesn't believe there's a problem. It's a dead end.

I agree with everyone else here. Help yourself while you can — don't allow yourself to be co-dependent. Maintain your distance because, N or not, she's clearly toxic to your sanity.

I was only diagnosed when I was pressured into treatment & preferred that over the alternative. Unless her life is making her miserable, then she probably won't "stoop down to that level"... Unless you're in the mood for psychological warfare?

I would like to add one thing :-
Indeed seek help for YOURSELF and don't really bother about the N'person....
one of the most important part is HEALING your inner self from all the injuries caused by the brutal emotional attacks.
What helped ME was 1. Meditation (essentially deep breathing) 2. Reading up on the internet and seeing that I am not the only one (strange solution but somehow blunts the edges) 3. AVOID medication for yourself. ( Although ayurvedic medication helped me TOTALLY from severe pains in the chest ... but a tendency to depend on medication started erupting within me... i guess you could call it "addiction")
Basically well wishers who will be empathetic to your condition ... works wonders ...
Cheers and Best wishes.

I don't know anything about narcissists, but what I do know about is problematic relationships with parents as an adult. One wants to have good relationships with one's parents, but sometimes maintaining the relationship comes with too high a price tag, especially in the case of abusive parents. Sometimes you just have to be prepared to let them go, and be better off for it.

The question I have for you is, why would you want someone in your life who perpetrates this behavior?
Wow, I mean Wow!
My experience with Ns is that, if they're flaming Ns, they are so highly defended that they will not only not listen to you but they will blame and hate you for even approaching the subject of N.
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Hi there,

Mommy dearest may well have a dose of narcissism but from the behaviour that you have described she sounds more like a highly manipulative, controlling, self-centred abuser as opposed to having a personality disorder, although I do know there is a fine line between the two. You really need to see if she fits into the DSM criteria for NPD to be able to assess her "disorder" better. Narcissism is quite different to Narcissistic Personality Disorder, which I am sure you know. You can have people who are very narcissistic but do not meet the criteria to qualify for NPD. Also not believing that she has a problem is a trait shared amongst many disordered people. It would be worthwhile reading up on NPD and gaining more knowledge to bring further clarity to your mind as to whether she has NPD or not. At the end of the day what you have described is clearly an abusive relationship where one person (your mum) has power and control over another (you). It's clearly a dysfunctional relationship and not good for your own mental well being. You need to set firmer boundaries and you need to start thinking about YOU and how you can protect yourself and stay sane and safe. As far as treatment goes ..... forget it. The person must first be able to acknowledge that they have a problem and seek help. Herein lies the problem. If she does have NPD there is no treatment. Have you tried speaking with a Domestic Violence organisation about this? Whether or not she has NPD or whatever, what you are experiencing constitutes DV and it is unacceptable. Getting a DV counsellor for yourself would be beneficial. Not sure what else to say except look after yourself NOW.

Metalsauce,

The worst thing you can do is point out her NPD. Google NPD on youtube. There's an author with a million posts that will help you to learn more about these people. His name is Sam Vankin. I wish I would've found him before I made the biggest mistake of mine, my family's, and my children's lives, which was when I found some literature that listed the qualifying criteria that he met 100% and sent it to him, begging that we work together to manage in hopes that our family could be saved. That was over three years ago, and I'm still under constant attack and we all are suffering from it every single day. DO NOT POINT IT OUT, no matter what you do!