Any teachers out there?

Hi,
I'm a special ed teacher for middle school students with mental illness. I have ten students. I have the same kids every year, plus new ones who move into the district, move up to middle school, or are recognized as candidates for the program. So I have four years to get attached to some of them! Right now, their acronyms (as I lovingly refer to them) include GAD, OCD, PTSD, ODD, PDD, and Bipolar. Is Bipolar BPD?
This is my second year of teaching and my second year in the program. It can be quite draining to be surrounded by negativity every day, or to have to face the fact that some of these kids will becoming pretty frightening as adults. I figured I'd be happy here for about five years before I moved on to a new teaching position. I recognized from the beginning that I couldn't do it long-term. I'm not strong enough myself to be stay here for too long. Only problem is I'm afraid I'll never be able to make a clean break because the same students return every year until they go on to high school. I'm afraid I'll keep staying until Jane goes off to high school, until Joe goes off to high school, and so on.
I have a new student who is completely stressing me out. He does not belong in my program because he is too aggressive. There is a separate program for students who are aggressive. My program is for students who are more internalized. My nightmares have increased this year, I have a stomachache nearly every day, and I have cried on the last few Fridays because I'm so thankful that I get a two day break.
I'm a thinker. I think way too much. I find myself perseverating on the fact that some of these innocent children were harmed by people they thought they could trust. As a result, they will never function in the real world.
People always ask me how I handle working in my classroom. It must be so depressing, they say. They ask, Do you drink when you go home? No. I just take on a different perspective than you do. I wouldn't survive if I looked at these children the way you do. All I can do is be a positive role model, teach them to the best of my ability, and hope that they will remember me fondly when they look back upon their adolescent years.
Sounds good, right? It's not working anymore. As Nietzsche said, if you gaze too long into the abyss, the abyss will gaze into you.
How do I know when it's time to move on? Will I look back on this time as a time when I almost quit? Or will I look back and say, damn, I can't believe I stayed there for so long.
Most people don't experience migraines, stomachaches, nightmares, and random bouts of crying due to their job. My job is not entirely to blame for my current emotional issues, but I believe it is about half the problem.
Maybe it's already time to begin thinking about where I'll go next year.
Anyone else out there?

im not a teacher but I am a certified nursing assistant and we have patients at times really difficult to take care of...

you are describing when do you know you are burnt out...Well here are some symptoms....if you wake up every morning not wanting to go to work....if you start getting angry at everything....and also especailly if you accidently lash out or speak in a way that may be harmful to the kids ....you say that would never happen but people have limits and buttons and when those are exceeded and pushed beyond max youd be amazed at what we do....Perhaps you could talk to the head people above you and say Listen this is what I have observed from this student....this is how he acts.....this is how he reacts....It is from my standpoint that I believe he should be in the program for aggressive children...show them your case....provide examples.....and tell them frequently.....lets say the student left and you have all the kids in the room that you had before....would you want to leave the next day and never come back...i know i have felt that way when I go to work...today in fact....but it is just stress....I can deal with stress ....tommrow it will be something new....thats life ...thats a job....but step back see how life altering this is....the reason I dont quit my job is because I love it...im stressed to the max at the moment....I get angry when I get home ...but I love my job...you have to really think about it. Ask the school district about other job positions available...if they offer you something else do the pros and cons....do the evaluating....im sorry I didnt give you a direct answer but i cant give you an answer only things to think about when you feel this way. You know your body and your mind and I promise you you will know when it is done with it....good luck

Hi BBT7,

I teach at a community college.

It sounds to me like you have reached the point of burnout.

This semester I wound up with a student in his 50's, and he made a sexually harassing comment to me about a month ago, which I reported. I got support from my boss, the Dean, initially, but this same student has been working on a project with my boss, and I think b/c I'm sure the student behaves differently around the Dean, I think he is winning him over.

Anyway last night my problem students showed up in every dream I had. I never had this happen before. It was awful. It was like I couldn't get away from him. sigh

Feel free to PM me.

We may be able to support each other.

EJ

Do you have a teaching mentor? Is there a director of the program that you can speak with? Do you work with assistants or PARs in your classroom?

I have worked in programs for children with severe emotional problems and I know it can be very, very draining emotionally. In our program we had what we would call a weekly "debriefing". The teachers and support staff would meet with the program psychologist, along with each of the department heads to discuss the students, classroom management, etc. This helped to address the "what am I doing here?", "am I making a difference in this childs life?" "Can this child even be helped?" type of thinking and also allowed a give and take between professionals to help make you aware that you weren't in it alone. It made a HUGE difference in our outlook!

Please feel free to PM me whenever you need to talk. And know that you do make a difference in these students lives! They grow up and mature and realize that they can make choices, positive changes in their own lives and you will have helped give them the confidence to do it. I have run into many of my former students who have grown up to be caring, compassionate people. They are always appreciative of the belief that I had in them that they could do it! Did all my students turn out that way, unfortunately no. But not even all "typical" children do.

Again feel free to PM anytime!

Great post, Danialla.

Danialla,
I have two mentors. One is the program psychologist (I'll start calling her the PP) and the other is a grade level resource room teacher, who doesn't know as much about my students. They are very intelligent, experienced, and compassionate women.
I really don't have anyone to talk to and I know that's part of my problem. Today, the PP sent me an email to keep confidential. It was an explanation of why a student is in the psych ward for at least a week. It’s the worst event I've had to deal with at my job (even though it’s not quite “real” yet), yet I'm supposed to keep it confidential. I told a good friend, who works at the school and I know won't gossip, but she was just in awe of the story. I don't feel better.
It’s hard to find time to talk to the PP and my sped chairperson lacks human emotions. I am lucky if I get a prep each day. I've told my sped chairperson that it's impossible to get a prep most days, and she basically says, "F you. Figure it out and get back to me." I share my classroom with the program psychologist and an aide, but we barely have time to talk. The psychologist is so busy logging about the new kids and I'm busy trying to teach two or three different lessons to as many as six kids, at times.
I want to propose full-inclusion plus the usual counseling, social skills, and academic support period for all incoming students, if I’m still going to be around next year. Currently, half the students get counseling, social skills, and academic support. The other half get all that, plus language arts and math instruction from me. Keep in mind that they are in four different grades. Upper middle school follows one schedule, lowe middle school follows another. There is always a child in the room because of the overlapping schedule. Hopefully full-inclusion will create more time for prep and meetings between me and the PP.
Thanks for the encouraging words. I'm glad to know some of your students turned out okay! I’ll keep you in mind next time I need feedback.

Danialla,

It sounds tremendously difficult, emotionally and intellectually draining.

I hope you will give yourself permission to look for another job, if that is what you feel is right for you.

EJ

BBT,
I could have written this post! I'm a special ed. teacher - grade 2 SLD, DD, ADHD, etc. I'm with you. It's so stressful and demands every ounce of patience available. I'm also majorly burned out. What is up with the fact that special ed. teachers are not required to have a planning bell? That is infuriating! I hate it. I have one this year but a few years ago didn't. It made me feel like I'm insignificant as a teacher. It's discriminatory in my opinion. Don't the kids with disabilities deserve a teacher who has planning time like the rest? Where are the parents and advocates to fight for this right? I wish my response could be more positive. I do feel like I have made a difference. But it has had a negative effect on my health. I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. I know that you make a difference! Take care.

I have preps in my contract, just not in reality. If my union reps knew I wasn't taking a prep, they'd scold me!

I talked to my mom last night. It felt good to finally tell her what's going on in my head. She suggested that I tell our PP how I'm feeling so she knows how seriously I'm burning out. The PP said she's pretty sure our 2 misplaced students will be out of the program soon. I don't want to get too hopeful, but I really hope they do leave. They are really ruining the intent of my program...

Thanks for your reply

BBT7, It sounds to me like you are a wonderful teacher! You don't take a prep in order to be able to service all of your students, right? I know it may be difficult, but remember that if you burn yourself out that you won't be able to help the kids at all. You have to take care of yourself first. Now, I need to follow my own advice, too. I also have a student that is misplaced and that is a major stressor! I know exactly how you feel. Take care of yourself!

You too

BBT7, I'm another teacher, willing to be of support. I work with dropouts, 16-year-olds plus. Some have signed out of special ed, and our program is their last resort. Most are 16-21: young moms, addicts, offenders, victims of violence, and other assorted individuals who never fit or thrived in the K-12 system.

The stress of the job is incredible, especially for a person who truly cares, who truly wants to make a difference. As far as I'm concerned, if don't feel some anxiety or haven't had a few nightmares, you haven't really considered the importance of what you do each day.

I have former students who are now enrolled in college. I delight in their visits, their stories of finally and intimately understanding what I taught them years ago. There are others that I follow through the local police reports.

Sometimes, all you can do is all you can do. I've made peace with that fact. Mind you, I still want to scream and throw tantrums. I fight with the system and against it and through it. I struggle and strain and worry. But, at the end of the day, I find peace in knowing I've done what I can in the best way I know how.

It sounds to me, judging from your original post, that you're a young teacher who didn't plan on a long-term stay in your current position. I'd ask this question: Is there somewhere else you'd rather be? Some other classroom? Some other program? Where would you like to be, BBT7?

Thanks for your reply, peep.
Right now, a regular ed classroom somewhere in grades 2-4 sounds good to me. But I feel like I'm in no position to make a decision, while I'm in the thick of things. I think I'm feeling a bit irrational lately due to this sudden stress at the beginning of the school year. I'm trying to put things in perspective...

I'd like to pose a question to my fellow teachers of unhealthy minds: Did YOU ever consider quitting? I'd like to hear your stories.

Hi friends,
I'm here to update and see if anyone else has anything to share.
One student is being sent back to the behavior program he came from. Phew. He seems to be acting up more this week, like he's trying to make sure I don't forget him when he leaves. Another student came back from the hospital. She's constantly agitated and argumentative and her symptoms are 100% externalized. I'm thinking that she belongs either in an outside placement or in the behavior program across town. We thought she'd come back with a DX of schizoaffective bipolar type, but she is PTSD. A third student is just exploding with energy. His parents are afraid to medicate him and they don't see his hyperactivity at home.
To sum it up, I need vacation. Haha. Tomorrow is my last day before the week-long break. I need to remember to make the most of it!
How is everyone else?

BBT7,

How do you handle it?

I've been off for a week, and am still sleeping a lot, and dragging myself around.

Wishing you a great Christmas break,

EJ

Although I'm not a teacher, I'm certainly a grateful student. I'd just like to let all the teachers know how much I respect, value, and cherish the work that you do. I can't speak highly enough of some of the teachers I've had, they've been role-models, as well as mentors, and i truly believe that they way I am today is mostly due to how I've been treated by my teachers. Thank you all!! and Happy Holidays!

Melissa

Mel,

Thanks for your note of appreciation.

EJ

To the question have I thought about quitting, Yes! I think maybe even part-time would be nice. But, I can't afford to do so. I do love the kids, but I am totally stressed because of the job also. Who knows?

I'm just enjoying my break right now. I've had one student who is now going to go to another placement and one who was put on meds. So, we'll see how that goes.

I hope you had/have a nice holiday! Enjoy it while you can

Hi Soliaree,

I love your Santa Smiley siggy!

Doesn't it feel great to be on break.

EJ

Thanks for your kind words Melissa!

To everyone else heading back to work tomorrow, hope you transition well I'm expecting it to be a bit more pleasant than usual since it will be my first day back w.o my toughest kid.

Hope everyone had a wonderful holiday season. Mine was great, until 4am this morning when my boyfriend's new parked car was hit by a drunk driver. Things should work out eventually, but it's quite stressful!

I know this was posted last year but I decided to respond anyway. I as you can see the time of this post...I cant sleep. In addition to having a Bipolar teen, I aslo have a moderately MR teen that has bad lungs, so her machines have been alarming all night. I decided to hang out here for a bit. Having 3 children in Special Ed programs at school, I can empathize with you all. My dghtrs teacher looks like she needs to catch her breath every time I see her. This is my dghtrs 3rd year at this school and her 3rd teacher. I dont think the school supports them very well. There are 26 kids in her class and I think 3 support staff.It is total chaos every time I go to the class. I think it is impt that teacher's have that support from administration.

My dgtr's class went on a field trip yesterday to the Dallor Store for their community outing for the week. They were Valentine shopping. I didnt have any cash to give her so I called the teacher and told her I would meet them there with the money.

When they arrived (an hour late) they were not on the lil short bus but a big yelloe school bus. All those kids and just 3 staff. I felt so bad for her. I offered to stay and help and I did. I didnt know this teacher lived in my subdivision but I saw her going to get her mail that evening after school...she looked totally drained.

I hope things have improved for you since you posted this. And know this...there is not an abundance of good special ed teachers out there, take care of you as you take care of our children.

Thank you for all you do!

I'm the mom of a moderately MR 18 year old. So I've had a great deal of experience with Spec. Ed, in school districts across two state and back in preschool handicapped days.

Currently, I have my son in a program that is amazingly comprehensive and supported by admin and community both monetarily and administratively.

I am curious in what part of the country you are. Because it sounds as if you are not getting the support you need, certainly in terms of staffing, etc.

Perhaps it's time to look for a more supportive school district. They are out there. Better than waiting until you just burn out and noone gets the benefit of your caring. You also don't want to become desensitized out of necessity because it's all just too much to bear.

Have you thought of a job change? Noone can do it all alone.

The year has gotten worse. I'm so frustrated with my supervisor. I don't know if I explained this in an earlier post, but my program is supposed to be for internalized kids (in terms of behavior), because the externalized kids belong across the street at a different grammar school. So, I got rid of external kid #1 in December, but external kid #2 returned from the hospital shortly after #1's move across the street. #1 has been getting more needy and aggressive by the week. Today, she got physical with her outside counselor, while in the school. When the student was handed her consequence, she began ranting and swearing so loud that the principal had to apologize to the members of a meeting in an adjacent room. My supervisor commented on the student's outburst by saying: "That's why she's in the XXX program." But her behavior today was the exact opposite of a typical kid in my program. It's like my supervisor has changed the purpose of the program, but only within her mind. Had I known two years ago that this child was a typical member of the program, I would NEVER have accepted the job. I'm just not good with kids like her.
Tomorrow is the day I hand in the form that says I want a new job. Unfortunately, my co-workers tell me that I probably won't be offered anything else. A regular education teacher in grade 8 asked to move last year, but they said no because her grade 8 position is too hard to fill. If a position for a regular 8th grade teacher is hard to fill, what about a position for a teacher of emotionally disturbed middle schoolers?
Apparently I need to find another job in another town. I'm so sad today. I hate the thought of leaving my school. I became best friends with three of my co-workers and the psychologist in my program has been such an invaluable resource. I know that I am a good teacher and I hate to think that the school would let me leave just because they don't want to lose me as the program teacher, but my supervisor is such a stubborn, emotionless, jerk that she probably would let me go.