does this make any sense?

as i said before, i'm dx bipolar, but i suspect i may have a PD because there are traits of my behaviour that are pretty extreme and that are there regardless of whether i'm having a bipolar episode. i've spoken to my parents and they said that there were dozens of strange things i did as a kid that they just got used to accommodating, and which remain even though i'm almost 30, many of which read like a diagnosis list for PD. however, there's one thing that's concerning me....

i'm actually not sure about the whole BPD thing, loads of it does fit, especially the abandonment thing, but on the face of it i am and always have been fiercely independent. the very idea of depending on someone else makes me angry, i just don't think i could do it!

it's weird because as i said the vast majority of my (manic/angry) episodes have happened on the day or day after my parents going away, and also, one time, i was sharing a flat with a girl, 8 years younger than me, and she had to move out for financial reasons. i'd been a little bit stressed anyway but when she told me that i tried to sui. which seems really bizarre - there was no way i was losing a friend, and that's carried on we're still mates now, but it was a total "OHMYGOD what am i going to do????" type thing.

but even knowing i've done stuff like that, i'm ridiculously independent. i hate the idea of going out with someone - being tied down to them, having to accommodate them, being dependent on them or the other way around (i had an ex who was really possessive and i actually asked him to cheat on me just so he'd leave me alone!). i don't even like going to the cinema with other people, even friends, because they just get in the way of what i want to do. it's like i'm inherently incredibly selfish and the only way to deal with it is to cut other people out of the equation.

does that make sense? i mean, the abandonment thing definitely seems to be a sticking point, as does the lack of attachment as an infant but the independence seems to be at odds with that. or am i just saying "i'd rather be alone than in any relationship that could even remotely possibly become too intense"?

This doesn't necessarily apply only to BPD, but what you are describing actually fits with attachment theory so amazingly well that you could have been the example they based one of the attachment styles on. You identified with the style that as an adult is sometimes called "dismissive." As a child you would have probably been "avoidantly attached." Here. I'll copy the descriptions that I have in my notes for you:

Avoidantly Attached: (this starts with infancy and describes through adulthood)

Mother is often emotionally unavailable or rejecting. Dislikes "neediness," may applaud independence. Independence may be encouraged too early, such as a mother who props the bottle for a young infant and states that the baby enjoys being able to feed herself.

By the end of the first year, baby seeks little physical contact with mother, randomly angry with her, unresponsive to being held, but often upset when put down.

In the "strange situation" test (mother leaves the room, leaving the baby with a stranger, then comes back in a minute and the baby's reactions are observed): Avoids mother when distressed, seems blase. The child may seem secure and independent.

Preschool: Often angry, aggressive, defiant. May be isolated, disliked. Hangs around teachers. Withdraws when in pain.

Teachers become controlling and angry.

Age 6 with parents: Abrupt, neutral, unenthusiastic exchanges. Absence of warm physical contact.

Middle childhood: No close friends *or* friendships marked by exclusivity, jealousy. Often isolated from the group.

Dismissive Adult: Dismissing of importance of love and connection. Often idealizes parent, but actual memories don't corroborate.

I'll copy the others too for comparison.

Ambivalently Attached (this one is me):

Mother is unpredictable or chaotic. Often attentive but out of synch with baby. Most tuned in to baby's fear. (Anxious mom - projects her problems onto baby)

Baby cries a lot, is clingy and demanding, often angry, upset by small separations, chronically anxious in relation to mother, limited in exploration.

Strange Situation: Difficult to soothe after separation - angry and seeking comfort simultaneously.

Preschool: Fretful and easily overwhelmed by anxiety. Immature, overly dependent on teacher. May be victimized by bullies.

Teachers indulge, excuse, and infantilize.

Age 6 with parents: Mixes intimacy seeking with hostility. Affectedly cute or ingratiating. May be worried about mother when apart.

Middle childhood: Trouble functioning in peer groups. Difficulty sustaining friendships when in larger groups.

Preoccupied Adult: Still embroiled with anger and hurt at parents. Unable to see own responsibility in relationships. Dreads abandonment.

Finally, here is the description for those with parents who know how to create a secure environment, or secure base, for their children:

Securely attached:

Mother (or primary caregiver) is warm, sensitively attuned, consistent. Quickly responds to baby's cries.

Baby readily explores, using mother as a secure base. Cries least of the three groups, most compliant with mother, and most easily put down after being held.

Strange Situation: Actively seeks mother when distressed, maintains contact on reunion, readily comforted.

Preschool: Easily makes friends. Popular. Flexible and resilient under stress. Spends more time with peers. Good self-esteem.

Teachers treat in warm, matter-of-fact, age-appropriate ways.

Age 6 with parents: Warm and enthusiastic. Able to be open and to engage in meaningful exchanges. Comfortable with physical contact.

Middle childhood: Forms close friendships, and is able to sustain them in larger groups.

Secure Adult: Easy access to wide range of feelings and memories, positive and negative. Balanced view of parents. If insecure in childhood, has worked through hurt and anger.

i've read that attachment stuff and the avoidant one fits the most but still not entirely. certainly there are signs i had no attachment - i was in ICU and incubated or in and out of surgery for around 2 years after i was born and my lack of attachment to my parents is obvious to everyone. i like them, as people, but any physical contact just freaks me out, and always has. but then, i wouldn't say i was particularly troublesome at junior school. although mum said they took me to endless child psychs/docs because my behaviour at home was terrible, i never slept (and still don't) and i wouldn't attach. the idea of even a kiss goodnight would make me go all weird. but mum said i was very sociable with total strangers in hospital and when they left me i would just wander to random people and act with them like most kids would with family. i never thought that was weird but now i can see it was a little.

when i got older, i still hated physical contact. i wouldn't say i idealise my parents but i do admire their intellect, even while hating the family connection. even now, at 30 (minus a month) i can't bear doing family stuff, i feel pressured to be on my best behaviour. you know how "normal" people feel when they go to some old aunt's birthday and they feel they have to make an effort to talk to everyone in proper language and be all prim and proper? i feel like that around them, which is silly, but i can't help it. it's like they're strangers. i get on with them, intellectually but that's it.

i can't do physical contact with anyone, even my best friends. i wouldn't say my friendships are characterised by isolation or jealousy, not my good friends. maybe with acquaintances tho, like if i'm at college i often feel quite left out. i always thought that was silly. hmm.

It makes a lot of sense,

does this help,.....or does this make sense.

By being independent, you avoid the attachments...and therby you avoid the hurt from loosing the attachments

You do become tied to people, you do become attached to people ...but you deny it

the denial works......you feel so independent...but when people leave, as people do, your denial is not strong enough

Ok... If you are still with me, you have 2 choices.
1/ You can strengthen your denial.......Mmmm, where does that take you, well is it working so far? I dont think so.

2/ you can sit with the idea that there is a secret side of you that forms attachments.that you are not aware of....and when you do become aware of it ,even if it scares the bejesus out of you you can work on the idea that people will move away and there is nothing you can do to stop them.

Does that make sense ??

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does this help,.....or does this make sense.
You do become tied to people, you do become attached to people ...but you deny it

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i dunno, to be honest - there are people with whom i have genuine attachments: some of my friends, my little brother etc, but they are all people with whom i've chosen to attach. i think the brother thing sums it up quite well: i genuinely don't feel any bond (emotional) with my parents, apart from a purely intellectual liking for them as people/personalities (at least a lot of the time), or with my other brother, but with my little brother, well, we're 8 years apart, and i became actual "friends" with him when we were both young, but there's not much there in terms of familial bonding. he was telling me how he worries when i'm ill and i said why and he said "because you're my big sister" - and i was sitting there thinking "but i don't feel that: i like you, you're cool, we have fun, but no more".

but when my parents (with whom i feel nothing emotionally) go away, i get ill. even when i was at boarding school, i would go completely out of control. and yet, when it came to going "home" i would have a major issue because i couldn't stand to be around them.

i really do feel that my attachments are only ones i've chosen, my friends etc, but also ones i control to some extent: ie all my best friends live far away, and i see some of them only 2-3 times a year, but they're still my closest friends. i don't like it when i have to be around people all the time, it annoys me. even my best friends i can only deal with at a distance. i have housemates and they constantly drive me up the wall, and if i could regularly time out from them, that would help.

in fact, if i had to self-dx (which obviously i realise is irresponsible and whatnot) i would suggest i was schizoid PD. the DSM cites a need to be alone, to take part in solitary activities to the exclusion of sociability, no real desire to be popular, a loner attitude etc. i would say i display all of that, and have done for years. i did go through a stage of going out with friends a lot, when i was much younger, but really, that was more about it being expected of me at that age, and i was manic for a long period, which involved lots of alcohol and sexual experience, but now i hate all of that. even back then i relished time to myself, but now i actually loathe having to socialise. even if my best friend visits, all i can think about is how she's making a dent in the sofa cushion - i always sit in the same spot, to watch telly, to eat my meals etc, and if the rest of the sofa is disturbed i get quite upset. but that's just my own thoughts on it...

also, sorry for the late reply, my computer's been in repair