Lacking empathy and emotional sensitivity

So, allow me to introduce myself- I am a 28 years old male, employed with a decent paying job. I am an introvert and have few friends that I consider to be close to me. Lately, I've had questions regarding empathy and my general personality, which is why I decided to join this forum. I'd like to describe a specific situation that have caused me distress-

A close friend of mine recently broke up with her boyfriend. She's generally quite comfortable with me and talked to me about it, during which she cried about the breakup.

She was clearly upset and in pain and I could understand that, but I couldn't at all feel her emotions. I did not feel sorry or sad for her, although I comforted her and said things like, "It happens. Life will move on, etc."

But this incident led me to worry that I might be lacking in empathy. I can usually understand situations from another person's perspective but I can't seem to feel their emotions, even when people are clearly in distress.

I seem to not be able to care, unless a situation affects me directly. If I am not directly affected, I can't care at all, even if it might be my best friend who is suffering.

Please note that I don't like it when people are upset and don't feel any enjoyment from others' sufferings. I just don't seem to care, or be able to care.

However, if I am distressed and uncomfortable, I think a lot about it, and try whatever I can to reduce my emotional stress. During these times, I feel the need for my friends, but when things are going well, I feel like I could do without them very well.

Is this all normal, or am I very self-centred and lacking in empathy?

Lacking empathy doesn't necessarily mean you're narcissistic. Having disordered empathy can go with a lot of conditions. Keep posting, a lot of people come around here know their stuff. I would post a more detailed response but I'm not well right now and I don't want to write a post you won't understand(I have schizophrenia).

Welcome to the forums. We don't bite around here, well not often anyways.

Hey thanks for the reply. There's another behaviour of mine that I've noticed- I like talking about my illnesses a lot. I don't invent any symptoms or lie about any illnesses but generally like to talk about whatever may be going on with me. Like if I have a cold, I'll bring that up in the midst of a conversation. And I do this just so I can gain sympathy from the person I'm talking to. I like it when people seem to care about me and say things like, "Oh you'll be alright. You'll be fine etc."

I want to stop this behaviour and be able to genuinely care about other people and their problems. I want to sincerely feel like helping others. What should I do to change my approach?

Welcome, artwise. I noticed that you are from India, so what is normal there may not be “normal” for those of is in the U.S. I’m 69, been in and out of therapy for more than 50 years, seen a lot of concepts and “fads” in psychology in the U.S. come and go.

My personal view is that we are in a phase where the focus on “having empathy” and “not having empathy” is a fad.

Nevertheless, the fact that you are distressed about some things seems worth investigating, and if you aren’t satisfied with the results of your own investigation, then consulting a professional could be worthwhile. From my viewpoint you are relatively young, got a lot of life ahead of you (probably) so doing what you can to make the most of it, for yourself and others, certainly seems worthwhile to me.

Having said that, my experience is that psychotherapy here in the U.S. hasn’t had a lot to offer in terms of personality change. Consequently, in my view, it’s very unfortunate that there is so much focus on “bad” personality characteristics these days instead of more ways to find acceptance (of oneself and others) and making the best of what one has, who one is. Even that’s tough and one can only do the best that one can.

Self-centeredness can come about for a variety of reasons. In my case, I had some early trauma, which caused me to dissociate from some of my emotions and to lose trust in my parents and family to take care of me. The major event happened in a hospital, my parents were following medical authority and procedure – certainly doing the best they could, in the time and culture that we lived in. Nevertheless, the damage happened and it’s taken me a long time, and lots of therapy, to gain some understanding and some of my emotions “back”.

Two questions occur to me that might help:

1. Have you ever been involved in a breakup with a romantic partner before? If not, then it is certainly understandable that you can’t “feel” what your friend was feeling.

2. Have you had other types of losses in your past that were traumatic or hard to cope with? Could you have “numbed yourself” to those losses? In that case your ability to feel you own emotions might be somewhat lost, as mine was, so that you can’t consciously experience what others may be feeling, either.

Again, if you continue to feel distress about yourself I encourage you to see a professional. Then, you can decide whether or not you think and feel they have anything to offer you right now, and if you don’t – then you have at least looked into it.

Hey here today, thanks for sharing your insights. As for your questions-

1. I've only been in one very brief romantic relationship before, that lasted for only 3 months, at the end of which I don't think I felt any sort of grief. I guess 3 months is too little time to develop any emotional bonding.

2. I can't recall any sort of traumatic losses in my past. I've not lost any close friend or any family members either, but I know I don't connect easily with people emotionally. My parents and brother are all good, kind and caring people but I don't feel any close connection to them. Same with my friends, I have friends I've known for a very long time but I still don't feel very connected to them.

This is what bothers me and I've decided to seek out some professional help in resolving my questions. Let's see how that goes.

You don't need to feel everybody's pain all the time to have empathy. It comes and goes. You have more in some situations and less in others. I have very little patience with people crying about a breakup, but then when I see someone, or even a picture of someone, with a painful-looking physical condition, I can almost feel it.