[Zelda1778]

p { margin-bottom: 0.25cm; line-height: 120%; } I'm not seeking a diagnosis, I know I can't. I'm just seeking insight, advice, and tips.
I'm a person of a highly limited empathy, sympathy and conscience. I have bits, but little and I also can disregard the little I have. Just ignore it. And if I feel bad for something it usually is when I get caught doing something that would usually be seen as wrong. Not doing something wrong, but being caught doing it. That's mostly what makes me actually feel bad and embarrassed.
Sometimes/often I feel like things aren't real. Like if I didn't do something it wouldn't matter because nothing around is real. I could hurt people and it wouldn't matter because they too aren't real. In those instances it's like I'm cut off from everything and people are just things. More like even less than that.
I am absolutely certain that seeing someone die would not move me, and even less move me to do something. I would if there were others, like you could get into jail if you didn't help and there would be evidence of that. But if there were none I would not. I just wouldn't have the drive. I actually would want to watch it. It seems interesting and even entertaining to me. Like I can see why some would see killing and torturing others as entertaining. I really can understand that. It must be an amazing thrill/rush. And if someone close to me killed for me (like a significant kill) I would see it as the highest compliment and it would make me trust them more
I can actually feel anxiety. Like speaking in front of a crowd. I hate that. Which is weird. And I also can feel fear. And I totally hate it! I feel like it's total weakness.
Another thing about my personality is that I'm missing some emotions. I have never felt anything like friendship for instance. Acquaintances, yes, but never anything like friendship. It's an alien concept for me. I use people. I use them as long as they are useful and entertaining to me. When they cease to be I ditch them. I did it many times and never felt anything. And I want to do it again. I've grown tired of two other people. One is heavy maintenance and the other is, well, he became annoying after he told me one of his books would be published. Yes, I guess I'm jealous, and I kinda hate him for it. Anyway, I'm also imitating people. I copy them when they interact with me, I borrow some of their characteristics. It's automatic. I don't have that much of a personality. And I can play and pretend emotions quite well, and I did a lot in the past. I also guilt-tripped people. My ex was one of them.
I'm full of anger and I'm easily triggered. Someone upsetting me, correcting me, preaching to me,….makes me angry and makes me want to hurt people. And it's often. I've been like this since I was a kid and it never changed. They upset me and I get angry and imagine hurting them. And I totally hate when my anger shows. I see it as a great weakness.
I can learn from experience. Sort of. Sometimes I do and sometimes I don't, no matter what.
I do hold myself in high regard. I think I'm smarter and better than most. Sometimes I feel beyond human. Just better. And I do look down upon others a lot. Feeling they are idiots. And I dislike most just because they are human.
I don't have a sex life. It's completely impersonal. I'm a virgin and if I ever had sex I could never see it as anything bonding or even as love. That seems completely ridiculous to me, even pathetic. Yes, I think those people who see it as such as pathetic. And I'm actually asexual with zero drive, or at least very little. Sometimes I feel like doing something sexual, but then dismiss it. And a lot of stuff with sex and people seems simply pathetic to me. And yea, it's one of the things I feel like I'm beyond, outgrown, am better than others.
I can and do love. I know that. I already made that experience. I was in love and in a romantic relationship. But my love is different from 'usual' people, or what people call 'normal'. Mine is more possessive, prying (Like I wanted to know what they did in detail), more) intense. I'd go to great lengths for that person, to almost any, if not to any. I really would. And it was too much for that person, as it would be for many. And personally I found their love as insufficient. What I want is what I give. Possessive and very intense and passionate love that would go to great/any lengths for me as I would for them. That is what I want. But I'm very poor at relationships and it does sometimes make me feel lonely.
I completely hate taking/making phone calls. I completely hate having to talk to someone. I try to do all I can to avoid them.
It also takes me a log time to get used to new places, situations and people.
Who am I? What am I?
I have zero life plan. If I ever tried any, I failed all. Any I do I fail. So I have none at all. And I also have zero motivation to do things. Like why would I want to succeed in this disgusting world. Yup, I find it disgusting. My caring for almost anything is zero now.
Sometimes I think that I'll either end doing something bad or die. Positive, right? Does anyone feel the same? How do you deal with it and how do you keep moving forward? How do you make yourself want to do things? How to get comfy with things? I tried to work with psychologists, but it didn't go well. And I don't really tell them anything if I talk to them face to face. Often I actually lied.

[redsoxrule]

We have a good bit in common. But some differences as well. I possess less emotion, greater sex drive, extroverted, adapt quickly to environments, and although I have no life plan I suppose perpetual boredom and the need for stimulus keeps me active. Welcome to psych central. Maybe someone on here can shed some light on your situation.

[Skeezyks]

Hello Zelda1778: I can't shed any light on what's going on with you. But I saw this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral... from the Skeezyks! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

[here today]

Originally Posted by Zelda1778

. . .
Who am I? What am I?
I have zero life plan. If I ever tried any, I failed all. Any I do I fail. So I have none at all. And I also have zero motivation to do things. Like why would I want to succeed in this disgusting world. Yup, I find it disgusting. My caring for almost anything is zero now.
Sometimes I think that I'll either end doing something bad or die. Positive, right? Does anyone feel the same? How do you deal with it and how do you keep moving forward? How do you make yourself want to do things? How to get comfy with things? I tried to work with psychologists, but it didn't go well. And I don't really tell them anything if I talk to them face to face. Often I actually lied.

I can certainly identify with the feeling of "Who am I? What am I?" And I have been through periods of unremitting depression, wanting to die, etc.

Things aren't so bad for me right now. I got through the long, bad times just putting one foot in front of the other. How, I'm not so sure. I tried different things at different times, some worked, some didn't, I did some things I'm not entirely happy with myself about but it was one foot in front of the other, the best I could or . . . what ??

I wonder if there is anything that you want to move forward FOR? Anything at all? Even if it seems impossible or unrealistic or . . .??

[Zelda1778]

Originally Posted by here today

I can certainly identify with the feeling of "Who am I? What am I?" And I have been through periods of unremitting depression, wanting to die, etc.

Things aren't so bad for me right now. I got through the long, bad times just putting one foot in front of the other. How, I'm not so sure. I tried different things at different times, some worked, some didn't, I did some things I'm not entirely happy with myself about but it was one foot in front of the other, the best I could or . . . what ??

I wonder if there is anything that you want to move forward FOR? Anything at all? Even if it seems impossible or unrealistic or . . .??

I don't even know. I wanted to quit again. I'm so tired of things.
What I'd like is someone, but how since how I am, and I what I want

[Atypical_Disaster]

I can relate to quite a lot of this.

The part at the end where you said you'll either end up doing something bad or die, yeah, I could have written that to be frank.

I stay sane by thinking about only what's right in front of me. If I think too far ahead my mind can do very weird things.

As far as how to motivate yourself, I don't know. I've never struggling with that like you do, hopefully someone else has some insight there.

I haven't found answers from psychologists, I simply lied as well.

[here today]

Originally Posted by Zelda1778

I don't even know. I wanted to quit again. I'm so tired of things.
What I'd like is someone, but how since how I am, and I what I want

I so understand this -- wanting someone -- to be there for me, to care. Living all alone for no one but myself -- that may seem free and nice sometimes but it also sucks -- lonely, self-gratification (of whatever sort) gets old when there's nothing else.

And, yeah, maybe no one, or few people, want to care about me these days because I suck, too, in some or many ways. But somehow . . . it's like a chicken and egg, which came first.

Nevertheless, knowing what you would like, even if it seems unlikely now, is what helped me put one foot in front of the other. What I wanted was a belonging somewhere and for my daughter and me to have some kind of relationship again, and. . .it's getting better but it's taken YEARS. Still, . . . the other options aren't good either.

PC has helped. I feel very close to some people here. I care about them. I feel accepted, mostly. And though I really need in-person contacts, too, PC has still helped a lot.

I look forward to hearing more from you, if you want to write more.

[Zelda1778]

Originally Posted by Atypical_Disaster

I can relate to quite a lot of this.

The part at the end where you said you'll either end up doing something bad or die, yeah, I could have written that to be frank.

I stay sane by thinking about only what's right in front of me. If I think too far ahead my mind can do very weird things.

As far as how to motivate yourself, I don't know. I've never struggling with that like you do, hopefully someone else has some insight there.

I haven't found answers from psychologists, I simply lied as well.

Especially when I'm in one of my moods. Then doing something 'bad' looks like fun. Well, even more than it usually does.
I'm not sure what to do. Do I continue and fall deeper into the darkness and become one of the evils of this world? I could easily I think.

I never had a plan. Sometimes I tried to make one, but I never stuck with any. I simply can't make one.

And it's hard to trust any psychologists

[Zelda1778]

Originally Posted by here today

I so understand this -- wanting someone -- to be there for me, to care. Living all alone for no one but myself -- that may seem free and nice sometimes but it also sucks -- lonely, self-gratification (of whatever sort) gets old when there's nothing else.

And, yeah, maybe no one, or few people, want to care about me these days because I suck, too, in some or many ways. But somehow . . . it's like a chicken and egg, which came first.

Nevertheless, knowing what you would like, even if it seems unlikely now, is what helped me put one foot in front of the other. What I wanted was a belonging somewhere and for my daughter and me to have some kind of relationship again, and. . .it's getting better but it's taken YEARS. Still, . . . the other options aren't good either.

PC has helped. I feel very close to some people here. I care about them. I feel accepted, mostly. And though I really need in-person contacts, too, PC has still helped a lot.

I look forward to hearing more from you, if you want to write more.

Yea. I want to care for someone, be close, do things together. Them accepting me as I am. Someone similar to me. I want that a lot. Even more since I lost my first. It was an awful time.
But it's harder since I'm missing some emotions and people sometimes want to be friends first, and I can't do that. I never have seen anyone like a friend, I'm simply incapable of it. So I'm not sure what to do.

PC helps me too, but mostly pushing stuff in the back of my mind and not thinking about it. But it's still there.

Yea, so far I'm going, but I'm not sure for how long. I mean, I did it like this for a log time, but everyone has a limit

[here today]

Originally Posted by Zelda1778

Yea. I want to care for someone, be close, do things together. . .

But it's harder since I'm missing some emotions and people sometimes want to be friends first, and I can't do that. I never have seen anyone like a friend, I'm simply incapable of it. So I'm not sure what to do.
. . .

I had some emotions missing, too. They were "there" just cut off. The last therapist I saw diagnosed me with DDNOS (Dissociative Disorder Not Otherwise Specified) and PDNOS. She didn't help much with the PDNOS but she did with dissociation.

Have you looked into stuff about trauma and dissociation? If your emotions are cut off, they got like that for a reason, but getting them back is not so easy, necessarily. Nevertheless, I think the therapies for that are getting better.

But then -- integrating it all together into a new personality -- that's what I found my therapist couldn't help with. I needed an accepting social environment and she wasn't that!!

[Zelda1778]

Originally Posted by here today

I had some emotions missing, too. They were "there" just cut off. The last therapist I saw diagnosed me with DDNOS (Dissociative Disorder Not Otherwise Specified) and PDNOS. She didn't help much with the PDNOS but she did with dissociation.

Have you looked into stuff about trauma and dissociation? If your emotions are cut off, they got like that for a reason, but getting them back is not so easy, necessarily. Nevertheless, I think the therapies for that are getting better.

But then -- integrating it all together into a new personality -- that's what I found my therapist couldn't help with. I needed an accepting social environment and she wasn't that!!

I was once told that I have a trauma in my past, but not sure how true that is. I don't remember anything. Well, mostly, I do have one memory, but been told memories can't be trusted, which is true. So no clue.
It's possible they never were there

[here today]

I'm no expert on trauma. For me, I remembered the events vividly, but the emotions were disconnected -- I didn't remember the feelings, until they came up in therapy.

As I understand it, others have said that they had "repressed memories" and there have been prosecutions of people based on that theory that are now considered false. Also people have themselves been hurt by believing that their own "false memories" had to be true when they weren't.

But, if you feel that you are missing some emotions, it seems to me like that's something to look into, if you want to. There are probably some down sides to that, so that seems like something to discuss with a therapist, too.

I've participated in a lot of discussions in the psychotherapy forum here, too, and something I've gotten from that is the idea that when I go to a therapist I am the one in charge of deciding what I want from them, so I don't see any conflict in going to a therapist to ask specifically about trauma and not bother with things that you have tended to lie about with them in the past. If they push and don't respect what you have to say about that, then probably they aren't a good therapist for you to work with right now. Hopefully in your country you have some choices about who you see and for what?

I have pretty much always tried to tell therapists the truth but then they have shamed me for it, so I'm surely not going to suggest that you try to tell the truth about something to someone until and unless you decide to try to trust them -- and they can still disappoint you. (Such is life!)

[Zelda1778]

Originally Posted by here today

I'm no expert on trauma. For me, I remembered the events vividly, but the emotions were disconnected -- I didn't remember the feelings, until they came up in therapy.

As I understand it, others have said that they had "repressed memories" and there have been prosecutions of people based on that theory that are now considered false. Also people have themselves been hurt by believing that their own "false memories" had to be true when they weren't.

But, if you feel that you are missing some emotions, it seems to me like that's something to look into, if you want to. There are probably some down sides to that, so that seems like something to discuss with a therapist, too.

I've participated in a lot of discussions in the psychotherapy forum here, too, and something I've gotten from that is the idea that when I go to a therapist I am the one in charge of deciding what I want from them, so I don't see any conflict in going to a therapist to ask specifically about trauma and not bother with things that you have tended to lie about with them in the past. If they push and don't respect what you have to say about that, then probably they aren't a good therapist for you to work with right now. Hopefully in your country you have some choices about who you see and for what?

I have pretty much always tried to tell therapists the truth but then they have shamed me for it, so I'm surely not going to suggest that you try to tell the truth about something to someone until and unless you decide to try to trust them -- and they can still disappoint you. (Such is life!)

Yes, I can choose what I want. Though it also happened they didn't really do it.
But I should do something, I'm not doing well at all.
Apart from missing some I also don't understand a lot. I mean, I understand in terms the meaning, but have a hard tome processing them. Been told I'm rude and that I was mean or similar and I didn't understand why.

[here today]

I definitely understand the need, or feeling like I need, to do something when under stress, anxiety, uncertainty, even depression.

What my last therapist said, and maybe it's true, is that in those instances when there was nothing that I could "do", then the challenge was just to "be". That was very hard for me. Everything in me said "I can't stand this. I have to change something."

And, yes, something has to change -- but right now, in the moment, I also had to just "be". Really, really sucks. Really, really hard.

The last therapist didn't help with some things at the end of my therapy, as I said, but she did help in "being there" with me when I couldn't stand things -- anxiety, "emotional flashbacks", etc. That, for me, was part of the treatment for trauma. And I know that you may not want to deal explicitly with that at this time. But -- maybe there is a therapist you can go to just for some support right now? Also, if you haven't tried it, mindfulness meditation can help -- but it takes awhile to learn it before it does much good (at least that was true for me). Still, if you want to "do" something, learning meditation can be a something to do, with the hope or possibility that it can help you just "be" later down the road. Might not, but for now it could be a something to do, to try.

Do you have DBT therapy where you are? That's mostly for people with Borderline Personality Disorder and didn't help me. But some of that includes mindfulness as well as different things to do and "skills" to learn. So that might be something to look into, too?

Learning how and when I'm rude or mean, and how to recognize it and what to do about it -- that's something there isn't any therapy for at the moment that I know of. And is something that I have definitely felt a need for. Had some success here on PC and in some interest groups I found on Meetup.com.

There's a "Request for feedback" thread here -- you could post some questions there and see if you get some useful feedback. Or just continue to post here, if you like.

[Atypical_Disaster]

Originally Posted by Zelda1778

Especially when I'm in one of my moods. Then doing something 'bad' looks like fun. Well, even more than it usually does.
I'm not sure what to do. Do I continue and fall deeper into the darkness and become one of the evils of this world? I could easily I think.

I never had a plan. Sometimes I tried to make one, but I never stuck with any. I simply can't make one.

And it's hard to trust any psychologists

I understand. I've been in that kind of "mood" all day though thankfully things are calming down.

You're facing a difficult choice. I face that same choice myself. Only you can decide. Personally, it may have been selfish but I chose to at least fight at not being that pure evil. I didn't want to be another statistic. Another evil person. I have to believe I'm better than that, and it seems to help, I've been able to keep myself in check in critical ways at least.

I share your distrust of psychologists. Frankly, I think they're all incompetent losers who somehow think they can fix themselves by trying to fix others. Pfft.

[Zelda1778]

Originally Posted by Atypical_Disaster

I understand. I've been in that kind of "mood" all day though thankfully things are calming down.

You're facing a difficult choice. I face that same choice myself. Only you can decide. Personally, it may have been selfish but I chose to at least fight at not being that pure evil. I didn't want to be another statistic. Another evil person. I have to believe I'm better than that, and it seems to help, I've been able to keep myself in check in critical ways at least.

I share your distrust of psychologists. Frankly, I think they're all incompetent losers who somehow think they can fix themselves by trying to fix others. Pfft.

Ya, I guess so. It just may be a little harder since I have zero drive to excel in anything. It's like I have a complete lack of drive to do anything for this society. Against, yea, but not for.

I think pretty much the same about them. But I'll have to try again.

[Zelda1778]

Another thing is that I keep changing modes when it comes to my personality. Not like split personality, but like I have a core personality, then two pieces that are partially covering the core, but are otherwise different. One better, the other more sadistic and cold. And I keep changing between these two.

[here today]

Originally Posted by Zelda1778

Another thing is that I keep changing modes when it comes to my personality. Not like split personality, but like I have a core personality, then two pieces that are partially covering the core, but are otherwise different. One better, the other more sadistic and cold. And I keep changing between these two.

I have pretty much the same thing. I got pretty familiar with the two pieces in therapy. My last therapist couldn't tolerate the cold, sadistic piece but I had no other way to "express" her point of view than to "be" her. At least for starters. Seems like a specialist in dissociative disorders would have understood that but she didn't.

However, despite my last therapist's rejection of "her", I can now accept my cold, sadistic piece -- just so you know (and don't have to be afraid of me?) "I" have pretty good control and "she" doesn't usually "be" or "act out" without "me" allowing it.

So, I'm also willing and able (I think) to "hear" what your sadistic piece has to say, if you want to try that.

I'm familiar with and accept my "better' piece, too, which I think of as a self-loving narcissist -- me, first! But not particularly against anybody else, unlike the "darker" piece.

[Zelda1778]

Things don't seem real again today. Like everything is fake and people aren't real.