[RiverX]

Hi, I need to share and get support, I feel afraid of what I've done and the possible results.

I asked to come back to one of the Ts I'd had earlier this year, and she wrote me back saying she's all booked, that would be ok, a bit of abandonment stuff to get over,, but I can deal with that. It was the other stuff she said on top that put the crazymaking in. It was because of this that I left before.
Its a bit complicated to explain, but long story short, she went against what I understand her approach is meant to be about. According to the literature they trust the patient to take responsibility for thier recovery, but she was totally directive....... she told me that the problem was about using the phone for sessions rather than what is being said by the people using the phone.
I quoted to her 2 of her quotes that I'd read in the book which she wrote a chapter of. These quotes indicating the T. shouldnt take over and tell the patient what to do.
I already told her about my experiences of trying to get a T. here. Noone understands about pds, they just say 'dont label yourself' and stuff. AND I had originally told her I was prepared to come over to CA. where she lives.... its just too long to explain all the ins and outs. My fear is how much these people can trigger me. If I get a return email with further crazy making stuff it can get staight through to me, my life goes on hold, my thoughts get into a loop going around the conversation I'd have with her, my life fades to nothing and all I want to do is untangle the knott thats in the relationship with her.

........... maybe she wont even reply, I dont know. But I need to get restored to sanity around this stuff. #
Why did I go back to her? Because the first 2 sessions I had were brilliant, what I needed, I couldnt believe ... I felt I could get back to how it was at first with her.....
Ok, I do realise, I've been like a crazed terrior at a rabit hole. Couldnt leave, couldnt let go.


ohhhhhgggggggghhhhhhhhhhh//!

[Fuzzybear]

(sorry its only hearts)

[VoNPD]

((((((((RiverX)))))))

"Letting go"....it's so damn hard.

When I hear of events like this (which happen to me the same way - I get sucked into a vortex of 'what is the other person doing to me' or 'what do they REALLY mean?'), it makes me wonder if they are just looking to see my reaction?

This may not be much help... but I'm reminded of an episode of "The Prisoner" (60's show starring Patrick McGowan):

#6 is attempting to escape The Village, and recruits other villagers to assist. But no one knows who the prisoners are and who the prison guards are... they all 'appear' to be villagers. The way that they were able to distinguish the two was to watch the demeanor... was a person sheepish? was a person edgy and abrasive? People often show their hand by their demeanor - not necessarily by what they say or what uniform they wear.

So River, I ask you: what was the demeanor of the T? And is the T needing to assess your demeanor - which can't always be done over the phone?

Just something to think about.

A

ps: the episode ends with no escape. The sheepish villagers use this logic against #6 who is leading the escape. They mis-interperet his leadership demeanor and assume he's a prison guard - so they turn him in!

A truly great show!

[pachyderm]

If you look at the Psychotherapy forum you will see how many people (me too) struggle with the same kinds of questions about their therapists and therapy!

[pachyderm]

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VoNPD said:

This may not be much help... but I'm reminded of an episode of "The Prisoner" (60's show starring Patrick McGowan):

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McGoohan, I think. That was a LONG time ago!

[VoNPD]

you are correct: McGoohan.

showing my age???

[Perna]

I quit worrying so much about what my therapist was doing and why, that was her problem, not mine? Mine was to "use" her to help me. Focusing on the other person and what they are doing takes my focus off of me and working as hard as I can to get better.

No one can be 100% consistent in what they think, say, or do at all times to all people. Ideas and thinking changes over time and maybe in all the time since you've seen this T she has changed her thinking from what was in the book. The book can't change but people and their thinking can (thank goodness or we'd all be locked in our "wrong" or old thinking!). Get out of the other person's head and into your own? Think of something you feel is "true" and move outward from there.

[RiverX]

Thanks </font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
attempting to escape The Village, and recruits other villagers to assist. But no one knows who the prisoners are and who the prison guards are... they all 'appear' to be villagers. The way that they were able to distinguish the two was to watch the demeanor... was a person sheepish? was a person edgy and abrasive?

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Yes, theres something in here about betrayal and duplicity, who's the double agent oh that puts an unexpected fun slant on it, like,............ am I the double agent or is she..............

My imagination is going on one....... its funny.

Demeanor thats a good question. Reading between the lines, her demeanour was a double agenda. And thats why I was like a terrior, like I had to ferret out that double agenda. It sounds mad, like I've been charging at windmills. But it was like I was confronting my demons.

Maybe one day I'll be able to explain more here.

thanks for comments.
river

[RiverX]

Hi (((((((((((((((Fuzzy)))))))))))))

[RiverX]

I know, I go there and sort of ghasp at peoples emotional reactions to their Ts knowing full well I do the same myself, but I hate that I do.......

this is my little home group here its where I started.... it feels more home that the other places.

thanks for encouragement though
river

[RiverX]

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quit worrying so much about what my therapist was doing and why, that was her problem, not mine? Mine was to "use" her to help me. Focusing on the other person and what they are doing takes my focus off of me and working as hard as I can to get better.

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Oh for such grownuptitude! Yes, I can see that possibility ahead, its just I felt I had to untangle this tangle, like a sphinx riddle, before I could be allowed to pass on and be part of the world. the tangle of course originates inside me, but the tangle out there, or me behaving in a way that I felt was in integrity and walking away, thinking, yes, you did ok there, ie, not betray myself at all seeing as self betrayal has been my life long pattern, well, that was what I wanted to achieve.
Thanks for your comments, all talking keeps me to be in contact...........

river.

[pachyderm]

"its just I felt I had to untangle this tangle, like a sphinx riddle, before I could be allowed to pass on and be part of the world."

That's exactly what we have to do, isn't it!