I dont know where else to say. u don't have to listen.

Does anyone else with borderline get to feeling SO DAMN LONELY? i mean even layin in bed at night with my hubby it's just....hollow. i have that damn rejection fear, so i've been layin in bed miserable this past week or so. i've been layin up half the night cause i can't ask him to hold me till i fall asleep. oddly enough when my insomnia is in his is gone and he sleeps like a baby. i feel scatterred, sorry. it's one of those times where every breath is a sigh. i need my new thpst to see me more. i need a second one. i need to get in the dbt. but i can't do %#@&#! about it. %#@&#! THIS BORDERLINE!!! I feel like it's ruining my life. messin with my head, my "work", my "friends".... screamin in my head but can barely hold my arms to the table to type. there's no one in chat to talk to. so i'm here. just...floatin? times like this i wish i still got high. it'd be nice to smoke one and watch comedy central or even just color in my step daughters coloring books. oh and lets not get into that. great kid, love her. but i just feel worthless and endlessly frustrated around her half the time. i'm trying, i'm trying so hard. but i dunno if i'm cut out for the insta-mom thing. she's 8. i hope we don't win custody. terrible to say cause her mom sucks. but i've recently developed the fact that i can't have kids. not physically, mentally. if i were to get pregnant now.....i wouldn't want it. and i don't know what that would do to my marriage. he's depressed for the first time so i'm scared to talk to him about anything.,...deep? bad? i want to go inpatient and get intensive, but we're so behind on bills right now it's not an option. had to pick up extra work at the temp agency. next week cleaning some fancy *** hotel. sucks. i hope i don't have to vacuum around people. i can't vacuum around people. something about the noise. so pathetic. want to know what's worse? guess what terrifies me? wind. ******* air. fans, breeze, it's all the same. can't ride passenger in a car, feel like i'm gonna fly out. not eveytime. but most. don't know why. i dunno. i just gotta go to the hospital. oh i put the trigger thing cause i dunno if this counts, maybe the pot thing does.

((((((((((((( BorderlineAnn ))))))))))))))

(sorry it's only hugs, ignore if you want to!( )

thnx. sometimes it's just good to know that someone listens when they don't have to.

(((BorderlineAnn)))
I am sorry you are not doing so well right now. People here do care.

((((((((( Ann )))))))))

Sometimes you do just need to tell someone what you feel. I also can feel so alone in the middle of a crowd, or with someone. Wind drives me nuts too. Fans, storms, windows down in the car. I don't like it. So, you aren't the only person who feels like you do. And we're pretty good at listening around here, even if we don't know what to say either.

Welcome to PC.

((((((((borderlineAnn))))))))

I can't help, but I do care.

> i want to go inpatient and get intensive...

That would be nice, wouldn't it? IF it worked. I don't know about where you are, but I wouldn't trust it very far myself.

Anne, Yeah I've felt those feelings and fears. It has gotten better since therapy though.

i hope this works i'm playing with my 5 post/24 hour thing. wrote forever earlier, got erased. sux. isn't the wind thing just damning on the mind. it's like, "hi, i'm ann, and i'm scared of air" i mean damn. i dont understand why either. maybe a control thing? i go to craft festivals, and have one of those e-z up canopies. i need it secured heavily to the ground, a klonopin, and a bottle of wine or i'm petrified that it's gonna blow over. like fighting to not run screaming petrified. i'm hoping when i get in dbt it will help that. i can't even stand my dreamcatchers' feathers lazing along in the breeze. when i get a new doc i have to find out if there's anything i can take daily for anxiety that doesn't drowse u out. and not paxil, it's crap. my doc now sux, i wouldn't ask him for a vitamin change. dont trust him. and that's sh*ty. oh let me say now while i'm thinking about it i type everything that comes to mind. so if i start crossing lines into annoying or anything like that, yall have to promise to tell me. i get obsess-paranoid about people being....can't think of the word.....like, "oh god not her again", and other such thoughts. know what i mean? i had a friend when younger and they got like that, cause she always had the "were they/you talking about me?". i try not to get like that. i just obsess it in my head cause i'm scared to ask and turn into her. you know what i mean. ok, i'm hoping this pops up, i'm gonna try copy paste if it's not long enough.

Yeah, it really is frustrating when you put a lot of effort into writing something and your post gets lost. It can still happen occasionally even after your new member quota is reached, so it's a good idea if you spend a lot of time on something to copy it to your clipboard before hitting that button. Or use Mozilla Firefox - it saves what you type when you go back.

Wind can be pretty annoying, and can give me a bad headache. I hope you find someting/someone to help you. I was just reading about an online game that treats anxiety, used in the UK, with a password to get in, but maybe if you ask doctors about it they could help you find or get access to something similar. It's supposed to work well. There are good treatments for anxiety. I favor psychotherapy (and also self-help - you could look for books by David Burns for some good material). There are also various meds. Some fast-acting like Klonopin that have immediate, noticeable effects, and there are slower-acting but longerlasting anxiety meds too. Buspar is a slow and steady anxiety med you could ask about, but the benefits need time to show up.