[ash21]

I’m not sure where I should post this, but since I’ve had these feelings for a long time, I decided to post here. I’m trying not to read to much on personality disorders because I heard that doing that can actually brainwash you into thinking that you actually have one (as with any kind of illness, most likely)? Opinions on whether or not this is serious or all in my head would be greatly appreciated. I want to get over this so badly.

I don’t ever remember not having a difficult time in my head. I’m close to my grandmother and am over at her house quite a bit. Like most older people, she likes to tell stories. She has told me about some strange things I used to do (well, I still do them..) when I was younger. People would have to shake me and tell me to “come back” often. I have always lived in my head. I used to have an entire world in there, but now it’s just different situations I want to be in (mostly romantic ideas). I used to go around and touch doorknobs. If I did not do this, I would become very anxious and cry. I still do some OCD type things now, but not as often. It’s usually only when I’m not feeling very well mentally and I’ll start doing things four times (cracking my knuckles, pouring a drink, clentching my muscles) or obsessively checking things like my myspace or e-mail. It’s not that big of a deal to me and it isn’t OCD because it isn’t taking over me completely. It is still kind of odd though. I think it’s just a way I have to deal with my anxiety. It has always been extremely hard for me to make friends. The friends that I do make, I end up pushing them away. I can’t figure out why I’m doing this and it’s so confusing!

For a few years in high school I was very preoccupied with death. I was afraid that everyone would die and leave me. I think that is when I started to really push people away. I just remembered that I used to be that way a few days ago and it has been bothering (scaring me, even) me ever since. How could I just forget what made me keep people at a distance? Well, when I was in 12th grade, my best friends dad committed suicide. She was the only one there when he did it and she was very traumatized. She wanted me to be there for her and stay with her at her house when her sister or mother weren’t there. I wasn’t there for her at all. I started to ignore her calls and completely blocked her out of my life. This was about 3 years ago and I still don’t know why I did it. I hate myself so much for doing that. I don’t really think about her a lot. We didn’t have much in common and she did annoy me a bit, but she was my friend, and when she wasn’t talking about herself (one of those friends who never lets the other friend say anything. Ever. Ah!), we had a lot of fun together. I’m thinking I was really depressed at the moment, but still… why would I do something so horrible to her? I can’t get over the fact that I usually end up leaving friends when they really need someone to be there for them.

I think for the past few years, I have just been avoiding everyone and everything. This summer was the first time I spent time with a friend, or really even considered a person to be somewhat of a friend, in many years (about 3?). I try to talk to her about how I feel but she doesn’t understand. The other day she got angry at me because I said I felt very badly when I was doing more than one thing at a time (I only go to college right now, I don’t have a job). She told me I had to get over it and be a responsible adult. This made me very upset. I didn’t say anything, I just looked at her. Then she told me maybe I needed medication. I was upset rest of the day I spent with her. There is this boy who goes to my college who had a crush on me a few months ago. He would always talk to me and ask me if I was okay. I always told him that I was, but I think he knew I wasn't. We talked about stuff and it was nice to be able to talk to a person about things, even though I didn't even tell him half of what I was feeling. It was still nice, you know? We haven't talked in a few weeks, but I know that a few days ago he started to see a girl. I have been very upset about it and can't stop thinking about him. I don't know why because I don't like him in "that" way. For some reason, I can't stop wishing I would get a message from him.

I want so badly for someone to understand what is going on inside of my head. It bothers me so much when people can’t understand what I’m trying to say. Well, lets just say that I’m bothered a lot because no one ever seems to know what I’m going on about. Maybe they just don’t care. Lately, I’ve been asking my mom to take me to a psychiatrist because I’m so tired of never being able to do anything. My brain is going all of the time a million miles per hour and it won’t shut off. I’m an adult now and I’m trying to get better and grow up, but I can’t. I’m stuck and I can’t get out of this hole.

Even though this is way too long already, I wanted to add something else because I’m afraid that I haven’t gotten to the point of what I wanted to say. This is something I wrote a few days ago to put in a profile. I know, how weird, but since I have such a hard time trying to say what I mean and I think I did a good job here, I’ll share it:

“it seems like i’m always spending time trying to put what i’m thinking, feeling, and even who i am into words. i always end up erasing it because it doesn’t sound the same as it does when i hear it in my head. sometimes i get so confused, i have no idea who i am and it makes it even worse when other people can’t figure it out either. all i really want is to feel normal and okay and to find just one person who "gets" me and will love me forever and never leave me, no matter how much i push them away. i don't know if there is a person out like that, but if there was, i don't think i would know what to do if i ever found them. it's not like anyone decent deserves to have to deal with my games and constant confusion anyway. i guess i'll just have to stick to my dream of living out in the woods by myself and becoming an awesome crazy cat lady.”

[pachyderm]

> I’m an adult now and I’m trying to get better and grow up, but I can’t. I’m stuck and I can’t get out of this hole.

There is nothing wrong with wanting and needing help in growing up. It is not easy to find it, but I think it is out there somewhere. A lot of it is to be found here too. Keep trying; I hope some other people here have more concrete suggestions to help you.

[Perna]

I recognize a lot of your feelings from when I was 20 and in college and realized I had to go out into the "real" world after I graduated and panicked. I had a whole world in my head too so I started "killing off" people there and that upset me and I realized that if I couldn't get rid of "people" I had created in my imagination, then I was in big trouble.

I started psychotherapy that fall (1970) and just "finished" a couple years ago (2005).

If I could do it all again I would spend more time around other people and do more things "out there" instead of in my head. Ignore at least 51% of what your head is telling you and just "try". You can't get experience unless your try different things. Don't worry about being wrong, not understood, or afraid. And keep asking your mother to get your help; therapy or psychiatrist or something.

[ash21]

Thank you for your responses. I realized this summer that if I was going to try to get better, I would have to try to have some friends. I've done a few things with that girl I was talking about in my post. It feels so weird sometimes.. it's like I can't connect with her (or anyone, really). I've heard this a lot but I really think that other people know something, like this big secret, that I don't know, nor do they want me to know. I feel like I'm sitting somewhere and watching people live their lives through a telescope. It's ... odd. I'm trying to figure out how to just be able to talk to people like a regular person and have friends but I keep failing. Well, I'm still trying though so maybe I'll have some kind of breakthrough.. hah.

[Rapunzel]

Hi ash21, and welcome to PC. You talked about a lot of things in your post. The thing that jumps out at me is that you have avoided having friends for a long time. I am glad that you are trying again now, and it makes sense that it would feel awkward. When I was about nine years old, I decided to stop trying to make friends too. We make decisions like that to try to avoid pain, but the result is more pain and loneliness. And it's hard to pick up where you are and start to have those relationships again.

You have been on both sides of friends not meeting each others' needs. When you avoided your friend after her dad died, maybe you didn't know how to be there for her, and maybe you didn't have the ability to give what she needed right then. When your friend didn't understand you, and suggested medication, she probably didn't know how to support you either. There is one thing that I know of that can help in those situations when they get awkward, and both of you know that someone's needs are not being met. That one thing is to talk about your real feelings. It's okay to say "I care, and I wish that I could do something to help you, but I don't really know what would help you right now." Maybe the one being supported will know what they need, like you just needed to be understood and to feel normal and okay. Sometimes all we really need is to be heard. We don't usually expect someone to fix our problems for us, but when we are listening we might get overwhelmed because we don't know how to fix it. If you can talk about what you are feeling, and ask your friend what she needs, you might not need to run away from the relationship.

I would encourage you to talk to a therapist, because these things are bothering you, and therapy can help. I would also encourage you to go ahead and read and learn about the things that interest you. Yes, it is common for people to read about personality disorders and conclude that they must have one or more. That is because personality disorders are based on normal personality traits that can become problematic when taken too far. So remember not to diagnose yourself because it is normal to have those traits to some extent. Because we all have those traits, we can all learn about ourselves and how to live more effectively when we learn about skills and treatments for people with personality disorders too. So it's okay to read about it.

All of your concerns are things that can be addressed, but they probably won't go away on their own either. It does help to talk to someone trained to help. Because of the way you think about your life events, and your insight, I hope that you don't settle for medication alone. It might help you to feel better, but I suspect that you will get more benefit from talk therapy. Not to mention the experience of being heard and understood.

TC and let us know how you are doing.

Rap

[pachyderm]

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Rapunzel said:
Hi ash21, and welcome to PC...

All of your concerns are things that can be addressed, but they probably won't go away on their own either. It does help to talk to someone trained to help. Because of the way you think about your life events, and your insight, I hope that you don't settle for medication alone. It might help you to feel better, but I suspect that you will get more benefit from talk therapy. Not to mention the experience of being heard and understood.

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Actually, I think just being able to talk to someone over an extended period, even though they may not understand it all, but actually LISTEN to you, can help YOU understand what is happening.

[DocClyde]

Ash, been there myself... My mind always races myself...so I definitely understand that part...sometimes I have to almost "quiet" it out a bit so I can concentrate on other things...

Hope things get better for you and welcome to PC!

[ash21]

pachyderm ... the problem with that is that I can't tell anyone the whole truth. My mom asked me if was depressed last night and I told her "no" and just smiled. Just before that I was mentally freaking out and also stratching my arms with a knife (straching, even hitting, is something that I have been doing as far back as I can remember. I knew I was forgetting something important in my original post but I put so much stuff in there. Blah.) I'm really trying but it's so hard to just sit there and tell someone "HELP ME!" The reason I've probably never been to the psych before is that even though I ask for help sometimes, I usually end up telling people to leave me alone or that it isn't that big of a deal. Who knows, I might have even left out the self harm thing on purpose without even knowing. Dang you self sabotage! I guess being truthful would be a very big issue I need to work on.. and something that could even be causing some of my stress. I think too much. But thank you for the advice. I'll keep working on it.

Clyde, it's very difficult, isn't it? I get so annoyed sometimes because I'm trying to do homework, go to sleep, or just relax but I can't ever turn it off. Thank you!

[pachyderm]

ash:

> the problem with that is that I can't tell anyone the whole truth.

You probably can't tell most people the whole truth. I hope you can find at least one that you can.

[ash21]

I hope so too. Thank you for your replies.