[Confusedxx]

So I am living with an abusive partner, who is prone to raging for very small things.

Just the other night we went out for drinks, and he complained that there was too much head on his beer. He's had this discussion before, and because it is a corporate chain they don't refill the beer. It has to have one inch of head. So he asked the waitress for less head. She stared blankly at him, and said okay. She returns with the beer having just as much and hands it to him. He becomes angry and sends it back and wouldn't order another drink.

Apparently according to him the waitress purposely lied to him and did it to "spite him. Okay, whatever. I wasn't going to make a huge deal over it.

Well when the bill came, it was 32 and change. I saw a base tip of $6.22 so I left $7. She made my drinks well, and if she had given him his beer i'd have tipped $10. Wasn't trying to cause him any distress or embarrass him. He saw the tip and went LIVID. Cursing at me, saying I tried to embarrass him. We were suppose to see a movie and we stopped at another restaurant for a drink. I told him all I did was round up the base tip on the receipt and he went on about how I was apparently lying about it, he saw me tip $7...etc. I tried to tell him I wasn't saying that but he just started screaming YOU FING TIPPED 7 NOW YOU SAY SIX YOU ARE A FING LIAR.

He said down and started talking about it and I said "I didn't do it to upset you". He started cursing, got up and said he was going home and I could just watch the movie myself. I got in the car with him and kept asking him to not leave. He grabbed me and screamed if I made him crash he was going to kill me. Apparently I had caused a scene, and I am making his life miserable and trying to make him look like an "abuser". He let me drive him back to the movie, but he was cursing at screaming at me to "shut the ** up" while we were driving there. He was REALLY scaring me. Apparently because I couldn't just admit that I did it to purposely embarrass him I am a liar and lying to myself and he couldn't trust me.

The entire rage episode lasted for about a day. I was grossing him out, he wanted me to move out etc. Yet, it is ALL my fault. I am really at my witt's end with these insane outbursts. I want to try to help him, but he doesn't see anything wrong with this behavior. He always tells me I play an equal part and cause them.

Narcissism? Paranoid Personality disorder? What? I mentioned going to anger management classes together and he said smugly that if I thought it would help my behavior(meaning me) he would go with me to them to help control my anger issues and that he has no problems.

Nothing about that screams personality disorder to me. I see a raging jerk who probably would benefit from anger management classes and perhaps therapy to work on his issues. I'm sorry you have to deal with that. It is not an acceptable way to treat another human being period.

[Confusedxx]

What makes a raging jerk a jerk though? What is at the core of him behaving this way? I looked back on it, and I can see why me tipping that amount of money would be upsetting. I wasn't really thinking how upset he may have been, but it really was not at all intentional and not done to make him feel poorly or embarrassed. I was just not really thinking about it.

He thinks people are out to get him, and that everything done is a personal attack.

I've had incidents like this before, like we were at a comedy club and I had pushed his head back. I was tipsy, laughing, and just having a good time. Apparently I did it to embarrass him due to the fact that there was a small penis joke being told.

I told him that I did not "do it on purpose" and if he becomes upset over something there are appropriate ways to handle things. Screaming and cursing for HOURS is not.

I don't want to have to leave, but his behavior is extremely terrifying. He threw a bag of food at me once because I said he ordered 4 burgers but he thought he ordered 5. He was so obsessed over it that he was screaming for hours over it and threw the bag at my head while in the car. But it's okay, I was calling him a "liar" so it was okay.

I don't really know what to do anymore. I am torn between caring for this person and realizing that he has underlying issues that I am not qualified to fix. He will mutter an apology a few days after his raging, but then miraculously months later when he remembers the episode it is always about how "awful" I treated him. It's getting pretty irritating. I have never been in a relationship with anyone who behaved like this or believed I was this horrible to him.

I talked to the DV hotline about anger management classes and they advised me against it. They apparently try to make the person focus on what is causing the anger and work out better strategies to control it. For someone that is verbally abusive, it actually does more harm to the victim because it makes the person focus on the victim as the source of their anger. Solidifying a connection between the victim and the abuse that they are inflicting.

[Nammu]

Class A self entitled jerk.

[Confusedxx]

I have sympathy for him to a degree. I have anger issues too, but I know that they are off base and irrational and I try to control them. I don't try to validate them in any way shape or form and I know that it is not appropriate. However, I feel like he is manipulating me and using that to absolve himself of his own issues. I wanted medication for it, and went on it only to have him promptly break up with me for a while because I was a "drug addict". Stupidly I stopped taking them because I missed him.

It irritates me, because he makes me out to be this lying and manipulative monster who is trying to get him intro trouble all of the time etc. I work with and come into contact with real drug addicted women who lie about their partners and make false accusations. He would go absolutely bonkers having to deal with someone who truly behaved the way he makes it out that I behave. Just recently a girl with no job, a small baby, and on several different drugs filed false charges against her BF to try to obtain custody of her kid.

Me who was on medication to control a diagnosed psychological problem who works fulltime, supports myself, etc...I am the one who would try to steal away a baby, make up stories to get him arrested...just a bunch of utter crap. He wouldn't know what to do with himself if he was with a person with a real drug addiction who really does file false charges.

He still sounds like a controlling, abusive jerk. Many people have anger problems without having a mental illness. The best thing to do is to get him in to have him evaluated, assuming he will go.

[Confusedxx]

He isn't going to go. He was in therapy, but it was mainly relating to his over use of alcohol (something I could benefit from too but can't afford it). I wanted to go with him, and he was very into it but not for the right reasons. He wanted me to have my "lying" problem under control and talk to the therapist about why I feel the need to be so dishonest. The thing is, I am not. He twists things and makes up odd reasons as to why I am "dishonest". Like the tip thing. I said I saw 6.22 listed as a base tip on the receipt so I tipped 7 and he said that I was saying I left 6 and i'm a liar. He creates this fantasy lies in his head. I wouldn't admit that I did it on purpose, i'm a liar. I can't stop lying because I don't know what he's going to turn into a "lie".

He has admitted he "doesn't handle things properly" sometimes but he is generally 85% likely to blame me in situations. Even when he admits he doesn't handle things properly, a few months later when he retells the story it will be twisted to make me seem like I am at fault for the situation and he was merely reacting to my absurd and violent behavior. My "violent" behavior is me reacting to being cursed at and screamed at.

His brain just seems so hard wired into thinking "It's not ME, it's HER, she causes me to act like this!"

I remember several months back we left a parade early because I was apparently so tired I was falling all over the place and couldn't keep my eyes open. He does this a lot, he will make up some outlandish over exaggeration as to how I was behaving and that he some how swooped me up and saved the day. I was at a concert with him once and had my eyes closed and was listening to the music. Apparently according to him I was swaying all over and about to faint. K. But anyway, when we got back from the parade he started cursing at me saying how he was pissed we missed it, it was all my fault, and that since all I want to do is have sex he was going to give it to me. He pulled his penis out and grabbed my head.

I informed him that it was sexual assault. Apparently I lied about the entire incident, we were having a great time and I was laughing because I thought it was funny. News to me. It's like he thinks he can behave however he wants with no consequences. I told my friends about that and they all said they'd have stabbed his penis and GTFO. I am so tempted when he brings it up and says I am going to get him arrested for false charges to tell him that he needs to see what it is really like to date a REAL drug addict, a REAL liar, a REAL person who wants to see harm come to their partner. They exist. I've read about women who bash their heads against walls and call the police and say their husband did it. Women who make REAL false rape charges.

Not me.

He's lucky that I've never actually taken real action against anything that he has done. He would get ripped a new asshole by a DV judge for his behavior. But I don't want to do that. I don't want harm to come to him. If it comes to the point I have to leave I will just leave.

The thing is that you can't help someone who won't admit there is a problem. He is abusive and you are in a bad situation. If he won't get help then help yourself instead and get away. I understand that is not as easy as it sounds, but it's your life we are talking about. My mom was a victim of domestic violence, badly. It's difficult for me to even read your words. Please remember the number one priority is yourself.

[Confusedxx]

It kills me because I do love him, and I do care about him but I have to start thinking about myself and the type of emotional damage these outbursts are causing me. Just this morning he made me show him my cellphone because he didn't believe that I was really texting my employer something. I've pushed away a lot of my friends because he thinks something happened with them and he just kind of scoffs at me when I tell him no, nothing did. I am afraid to even call people anymore without deleting my call log because I fear him going into my phone. I think he did very recently, because he asked me what was up with one of the people I know and if something was going on with him. There was literally no reason to bring it up other than that he had saw my call log.

The entire incident left me shaking. There is no rhyme or reason for his behavior, and I have to accept that his reasoning is imaginary. I didn't shut my phone off and put it down to talk to him because I was hiding anything...it was in his head. He takes what he takes from certain situations and unless he realizes that his behavior is irrational I can't help him. Part of me feels like I cause it because he had a very long term relationship prior to me that he insists was wonderful and normal and that I am the problem.

But I guess part of that is learning to not internalize abuse, and understanding his perceptions of things are skewed and he most likely did have issues with her he isn't forthcoming with.