[IxCantxBreath]

hmmm. don't really know what to say. the first time i discovered personality disorders, i was drawn in by it. it fascinated me. but the more i learned about them, the more i realized that a few of them resembled me a whole lot. recently, i have discovered that BPD(borderline personality disorder) resembles me the most of all of them. but there are also other things not associated with BPD. when i found this site, i figured that i could get some answers for my problems, considering the fact that im too stubborn to go to my parents or someone else about it.

i've got a very short temper. i get angry from the littlest things. (it's more like rage most of the time.) sometimes even for no reason. i even get so angry that i start to cry, which is pretty bad for me, considering that i never cry. i normally act on impulse, but most of the time, i find that i have to control myself as to avoid harming others or getting myself in serious trouble at school. if it wasn't for certain laws and the risk of jail or something, there would be a lot of people in the hospital or worse. i avoid making strong bonds with others to avoid being hurt by them, either by leaving me, or dieing/getting injured. i find myself pondering about life and death. the meaning of the universe, my existence and many other things. i think way too deep into things that many people just leave untouched. my moods change unexpectedly. i can be happy on minute, but the slightest thing can set me off or send me into a short depression. i feel empty a lot. it's a feeling that i hate immensly-like there's a hole in my chest. i like to hurt myself. not on a regular basis, and not for any particular reason, just because i like too. i like the blood, and i like pain for some odd reason. a lot of the time, i question wether i know who i am anymore. i can't seem to decide if i am one person or the other. i like to write stories, usually based on things that i wish my life were. and if i forgot to mention-my outlook on life is that it's a dirty and cruel place that deserves to die. i don't normally tell people about my problems or about what im feeling, because i don't want them to pity me. and i deffinately don't want my parent to find out. because they'll go all "where did we go wrong?" and all that. they'll always be wondering if im OK, or if i want to "talk" about something. it will just be too troublesome. and another thing-i have low self-image and low self esteem. i also feel sometiems that i don't deserve to be happy, and that i should be punished and am being punished through the spells of depression and emptiness.

does anyone have an opinion about all this? im sure that i've forgotton to mention something, but i don't really know myself. if you could talk to me IRL, it'd be SO much easier. =_= just tell me your opinion and all that jazz. .

[IxCantxBreath]

and for the self-injury...i don't cut deep or anything that's harmful. jsut mere surface cuts. just enough to draw blood. nothing dangerous. and im not addicted, it's just...i like blood. if that makes sense. i just like to do it.

If I were you I would not wish to be BPD because it sucks. Many therapists and doctors don't want to work with us and many limit their practices to just a few clients with BPD because we are "difficult." It's a curse.

Are you in therapy? I aways say just focus on symptoms that are affecting your life and not a diagnosis. BPD can overlap with many things and self-diagnosising is a mistake.

.

[IxCantxBreath]

no, im not in therapy, and no, i don't "want" BPD. all i want is to be different from everyone else. the minority i guess you could say. but seeing as how stubborn i am, therapy will most likely never happen for me. so, i won't neccesarily have to worry about therapists and such.

and i would like to know...why would BPD patients be "difficult"? that bothers me. why would it really be that big of a problem?

Psychologically....BPD clients are adults stuck in children' minds and feelings. Most have been severely abused, and their thoughts, actions, and feelings reflect a tremendous amount of fear of being hurt and abandoned.

The BPD client uses defense mechanisms that "jab" at the therapist, such as projection and projective identification which constantly attribute horrible and angery thoughts and feelings at the therapist. The transferance/countertransferance reactions can be very difficult and hard. Sometimes it seems as if the BPD client is acting like the abuser is there in the room.

BPD are usually suicidal and self-harming. Therapists have to be willing to work with that. 10% of all BPD patients kill themselves and 30% if they self-harm. They are walking the lines of life and death frequently.

BPD dissociate and can get lost. Therapists have to be comfortable trying to get them back, with the risk of frightening them to death.

BPD lack understanding of boundaries. Some call constantly, show up at the office unexpectantly, do everything to get personal with the therapist. Strong boundaries are a MUST when treating a BPD.
(Many times have I refused to leave the office)

It is hard. BPD do NOT mean to behave like they do....but it is what they know. It is difficult on the therapist and requires a therapist with good training and a strong sense of self. Some T's can't deal with them.....

[IxCantxBreath]

oh...that. yea. i see what you mean now. that would be kinda difficult if you had to deal with that all the time.
i've not been abused by any family, but i've been abused unconsciously by others (including my brother) mentally. does that count? and the whole life and death thing...heheh. i think about that frequently, but i never had the guts to actually try it. i still don't.

and is it normal for my emotions to not be real? it's like i know im not feeling anything, but when im writing or talking, my mind is saying it with emotion, even though i know it's not there.

[RiverX]

Hi Cantx, hi riptide,
by the way, I love that name, riptide so apt! riptide, theres a group of Ts in the US who SPECIALISE in disorders, specially borderline, theyve worked out a way of treating them, they have special theory adapted. I can give you names etc if you like.

cantx,
what you say, some of what you say makes me think, ....... would this be right?.............
you talk about cutting, but with a sort of great detachment, it is a fairly extreme expression of some emotion, but you do it without emotion,........then also ummm... you're quite independent,....
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i don't want them to pity me.

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......... and your parents are caring, but maybe a bit stiffling, ... maybe intrusive?

that emtiness inside, that feeling of life being </font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
i forgot to mention-my outlook on life is that it's a dirty and cruel place that deserves to die.

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god, thats beautifull put, I have had those kinda feelings........it does sound like one of the disorders,,,,,somewhere along the spectrum. I have one too, and I was also fascinated, and still am about them. I am in recovery, and NEVER believe you cant recover, course you can, it takes work and a lot of willingness, if iehter of you'd like, I'll post contact info for the organisation that deals with pd.s and they all say yes, you can recover.

all the best,
riverx

[pachyderm]

> theres a group of Ts in the US who SPECIALISE in disorders, specially borderline

> if iehter of you'd like, I'll post contact info for the organisation that deals with pd.s

Please do.

[pachyderm]

> Sometimes it seems as if the BPD client is acting like the abuser is there in the room.

Heh, heh. Know that feeling. Maybe the therapist is an abuser...

[IxCantxBreath]

maybe he is. <.< >.>
scary stuff right there. the therapist is out to get me...gawd i'd be ot of that place in a millisecond if he was.

[Razzleberry]

RiverX - yes, could you please post that link? I would love to find a therapist that actually WANTS to treat Borderline....very hard to find.

To IxCantxBreath - you are young - do you mind me asking how old you are? Is there any way you can get into counseling, maybe without asking your parents? It sounds like you feel a little bit of shame/guilt over asking them - perhaps there is some place you can go for confidential treatment. I am not sure what is available.

The way you describe it, you could be Borderline. The cutting is a big symptom. Even if you don't cut deep...it's still cutting.

Please try to get help any way you can. Fix it now, while you're young. Don't let it control your life and ruin your life!! Been there...done that. If only I could have got help when I was younger - maybe my life wouldn't be the complete mess it is now.

[RiverX]

Sure, here it is:
If you ring Judy Pearson, she should be able to tell you if theres someone in your area, or alternatively who would be willing to do sessions over the phone if you cant get in physically.
Shes in NY; from uk its 001 212 860 0151, I dont know which no's you'll need to leave off or add in.
Thats the good news, the less good news is that I tried these people myself, I fell in love instantly each time at last I felt understood, and they got through to me usually about half way through the first sentence!! I was right there, on my main emotional front line...... but it seemed like they didnt even know how important to me this all was. Anyway, ever since, it made any other type of therapy completely irrelevant for me. I love these people but they blew my fuses. and I coulnt stay so I had to leave,a nd have been trying to find a way to get back since, that is without being so overwhelmed.

So, I'd say ask for lots of phone numbers and make sure you choose carefully. And let me know how you get on, I'd love to hear! and I'll support you to challenge them as needed.

If you're in his area try Phillip Manfield, he trained with them, but he adapted the approach to more human, he has a website you can get him on, but he wouldnt do phone sessions, I nearly begged him ... but he wouldnt.

river

[Razzleberry]

Is this it?

http://www.mastersoninstitute.org/index.html

[pachyderm]

That site lists Judith Pearson, Ph.D., Clinical Director, so it probably is the one.

[Rapunzel]

I just read one of Masterson's books, and it was good. The book I read is The Search for the Real Self.

Another good approach for BPD is Dialectical Behavior Therapy. I'm readint the book on that now (Marsha Linehan: Cognitive-Behavioral Treatment of Borderline Personality Disorder). I feel like she understands too.

I'm just an intern now, but I am very interested in BPD and want to learn how to treat people who have it. There are others who treat it too. My T doesn't seem to diagnose personality disorders if she can avoid it, and apparently doesn't like the concept, but she uses elements from DBT, and a lot of what she does is familiar after reading Masterson. She's a trauma specialist. Any therapist who works with Dissociative Identity Disorder would probably be good with BPD also. Both disorders have a very similar etiology (usually abuse is a big factor). Dissociation is also a common part of BPD too. The way that I see it, I feel that BPD and DID are more like degrees of the same thing than totally separate disorders. Of course, it's probably about as hard to find therapists who want to work with DID clients. But look for therapists who do trauma work, and who recognize how important relationships are in that.

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Rapunzel said:

But look for therapists who do trauma work, and who recognize how important relationships are in that.

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I once had a therapist who claimed to do trauma work, tell me that she could not work with me, after a couple of sessions. She was freaked out by the SI. That killed me. Someone who was supposed to help me, couldn't!!!

The studies have shown that both DBT and psychodynamic therapy work well. Personally, I can not do any type of cognitive behavioral based therapy....It just does not work for me.

It is a shame that people don't want to work with BPD....as they tend to be more creative and intellectual. And entertaining. They just have the emotions of a child

[Rapunzel]

I'm sorry that she couldn't handle that. I would hope for trauma therapists to know that SI might be part of what they deal with. I hope that you keep looking for someone who can help. It took me 8 tries to find the right T. She told me it took her a lot more than that.

[pachyderm]

> I just read one of Masterson's books, and it was good. The book I read is The Search for the Real Self.

I took a look at the Web site. It seemed to me that his institute aims to train other therapists in his understanding of the origins of personality disorders, but it was not obvious to me how that translated actually into how you treat them. Is that included in his books? His latest one costs $40. I am wondering if it is worth it to spend that much on the chance that I might learn enough to help.

Earlier this morning I had this thought: "*&#$%^. It seems as though with a disorder that is not widely understood, we have to do all the research and understanding ourselves to find how to get help. Fortunately, it appears that there are some people here on Psych Central who can help with that."

[pachyderm]

> Someone who was supposed to help me, couldn't!!!

Join the club.

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pachyderm said:
> Someone who was supposed to help me, couldn't!!!

Join the club.

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And then they just make it worse because we were abandoned again.

I find it terrible when I call and specifically say I have a severe trauma history and they make an appointment and then after two sessions say, "can't work with you."

Makes me wonder......

Riptide,
(Many times have I refused to leave the office)

What does your T do when you do this? I was wondering because I asked my T what he would do and he refused to answer the question, lol.

[Rapunzel]

I haven't read Masterson's latest book, and didn't spend nearly that much for the one that I have. The Search for the Real Self may be a little bit dated, but I don't think that much has changed, and reviews said the newer book didn't add so much as to be worth the extra money. The one that I have does give the basics on treating the disorders. It helped.

Masterson focuses on Borderline and Narcissistic, with some mention of Schizoid. I get the impression that his conceptualizations of these are much broader than most. Basically, from reading Masterson, anybody with a deflated false self would be Borderline, anyone with an overinflated false self would be Narcissistic, and those who avoid relationships with others would be Schizoid. Most therapists wouldn't diagnose those three disorders that much. But his book still helps, and if anything maybe it can help more people than if his concepts of the disorders were tighter.

[IxCantxBreath]

Razzleberry - im 13. yea, im pretty young. but i still don't think that what i'm, feeling is normal for people my age. and what you said about the whole parent thing...yea. you pretty much covered it. but, i don't know how i could get confidential treatment. i can't go to the school because i know that they would contact my parents. that's what happened to my friend about a month ago. she almost got sent to a mental institute. o.o

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Soliaree said:
Riptide,
(Many times have I refused to leave the office)

What does your T do when you do this? I was wondering because I asked my T what he would do and he refused to answer the question, lol.

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hehehe.....this was with my old T. She NEVER scheduled clients after me and mostly she would wait. She was not good with the time boundary......Although once, she said if I did not leave, she would have to call building security. LOL

I also threatened to hand-cuff myself to the chair and asked what she would do? She rolled her eyes and said call the police LOL

My new T.....she is so strict, she would probably immediately call the police and leave me stranded in jail..LOL and then want to talk about my anger at her for putting me in the slammer!!!!!! LOL