[thursday89]

Hello everyone. I've stumbled upon this site looking for a little hope. Previously in my life, I was one to not care what people thought about me, what I looked like, what I said or did. I was a hard working student at the top of my class. Rarely did I have a problem communicating or talking to new people. For the past year or so, I've been experiencing periods of feeling like I love life and periods of overwhelming depression. I don't tell anyone about these feelings I have because I don't want anyone to think I'm "crazy" or "looking for attention." I ended up dropping out of high school my senior year, losing my job, breaking up with my boyfriend of four years, and damaging family relationships...and for God knows why. I'm now currently unemployed because I cannot find the motivation to get a job. I still live with my parents, whom I don't have a stable relationship with anymore. I get slightly paranoid in social situations. If I go to parties, I stay quiet out of fear of saying something ridiculous or I just talk to the few people I'm comfortable with. If someone approaches me to talk, I usually feel like there's a fog in my head, like I don't know what to say. If I try to talk, it all comes out in a nervous studder or irrational speech. I have the tendency to think that people talk about me behind my back or think horrible things about me. Even though I know it's generally not happening, I continue to think these thoughts. On the other hand, I have periods of feeling high self worth and praise worthy, sometimes becoming vain. I'll feel like I'm going to take the steps to become successful (get a job), improve my self image and social image... I end up letting myself down. I always feel the need to be doing something. I try to hang out with my close friends as much as possible. It makes me feel like I'm "at my best". It makes me unusually happy when I get to spend time with the few people I really love in this world. When I'm feeling happy, I'm energetic, fun, talkative and full of laughter or just plain loving, giving and soft hearted.. When I'm feeling sad, it's the lowest low I've ever felt. I become cold and irritable. I get completely snappy and selfish. I know something is wrong because I know I should not be feeling like this. I'm apprehensive when it comes to treatment. The only person who I feel comfortable talking to about my feelings is someone who is overwhelmed with their own life, which I would not want to be a burden on anyone. I just want everything to clear up and I want to feel alright. I don't know what to do.

[mlpHolmes]

(((((((((Thursday))))))))))<- Many Hugs!!

I've been where you are now.Now I'm happy, motivated, in control,& focused. I'm still working on some issues.My Therapist helped straighten my life out.That is what I would suggest for you a good Therpist, no big deal go & talk - s/he may help you out tremendously & your life is definitely worth that.
Good Luck!

Hey,

Yeah, it sounds like you could use someone to talk to! People here can help. If you read around a little you might find people discussing things that resonate with you, and you can of course post about things yourself.

I'm not quite sure on the sequence of events... And... I'm not quite sure how old you are. It is fairly common for teenagers to get to a point where they aren't quite sure who they are / who they want to be. A period where we try and figure out who we are and what we want independently of our parents. That can be a tricky time... Sometimes people aren't as close to their parents as they were previously (while they try and figure things out), sometimes there can be conflicts etc where there never were before.

You say that dropping out of school was what started things off... Can you remember why you wanted to drop out at the time?

You said you were doing well in school... When we do well in something that can be a source of self-pride and self-esteem. When you dropped out... I guess you lost that. Then losing a boyfriend and losing a closeness with your parents... I guess a little social anxiety would be a fairly typical response to that.

But of course I could be way way way off...

[RiverX]

Hi and Welcome,
It sounds interesting, and you have great ability to be aware of and describe whats happeining, and be honest. You look very able to find many answers. Only my experience is that discovery and recovery can be a journey that goes on, but many poeple here get to feel better, really do get throut thier stuff. Be careful about choosing help, you have the right to chose carefullyfor yourself.

riverx

[Doh2007]

You sound depressed.

[Lachrymancer]

over the last 3 or so months ive been trying to figure out what is happening in my head, with my life.
your post DID resonate with me. Like a lot of other people i have exactly the same thoughts. Although im not articulate enough to have put a finger on it the way you did.
The main part that struck me was how you felt you couldnt talk about your concerns because you didnt want to seem like you were seeking attention.
Even now, signed into this site, i still dont feel i can go to someone and say "hey! i think i have BPD and i want to sort it out!"
when i look at that as a scenario i imagine whoever im telling will just think im weak and looking for someone to unload all their problems to.
Let me know how you go finding someone who knows a bit about BPD and whether or not they can shed some light on it for you.

[morning_view]

This was like reading about myself, it's got me all choked up! I feel exactly like this, and much of what has happened to you has happened to me. I hope you've managed to find some help since you posted this. I myself am struggling to find closure on what's actually wrong with me - like you I know they way I'm feeling isn't normal or good, but I haven't yet been diagnosed properly. And like the last poster said, you can't just go up to someone and say "I think I have BPD" and when I think about or try telling people what's going on and how I feel I feel like people will think I'm weak or attention seeking.

Does anyone else think it sucks that the road to recovery from mental anguish requires MORE mental anguish?...... unfair....