Class Announcement

((((((Catherine))))) take your time....I know there are insurance things to do and all that, but take your time.......it's ok you didn't make it there. it's ok and maybe it can be considered a healthy reaction to the whole thing.
Remember the dance called "crawl"--inch by painful inch-sometimes stopping, sometimes barely moving--inch by inch--sometimes less than that......
thinking about you and still have my hand extended.

Catherine,

Is there someone who could go with you?

yes, notz...thank you for asking.
my insurance agent, Connie, came by this evening and we made the decision to go together. my relief was indescribable...

so much for being Brave, Mature, Etc..
ah it's ok to be human

it rained here today, and I had the fleeting thought of it raining shoes ....aka waiting for the other shoe to drop...
funny visual of thousands of shoes littering my backyard and hanging off the branches of the trees.

May I suggest a different visual??? Hoping to cheer you up, with a brief diversion for a little fun!

Catherine--I'm glad you have someone to go with you. It should help.
Thinking about you and the days ahead.
Sending you a steel umbrella to ward off those shoes

((((((((((( Catherine )))))))))))

notz, that was almost too much for this older lady

I tried, but couldn't find John Wayne performing "It's Raining Men"!!!!!!!!!!!!

This thread has been very good for me, and I hope others have found support and reassurance that we are not alone in walking our paths of healing. We are on parallel paths and we are close enough to stretch out hands to help and hold each other when one of us stumbles...
Thank you for the many times you held me when I stumbled and fell, needed understanding and encouragement, walked with me while I wept, cheered with me when I got up and walked again.

I am reposting the following thoughts as my way of saying that Class Announcement has hopefully been of help and hope.
Perhaps it served a purpose, perhaps not.

It's time to move on to other "classes" and ways of giving support to each other...while respecting the different needs of our fellow travelers.
No race, we set our own pace. No comparing...not looking back and wanting someone to hurry up and not looking ahead and berating ourselves because we seem to be far behind .
We are in the right place at the right time for the right reasons that may never be revealed to us...

We are teachers, we are students
We are leaders, we are followers
We are not beneath others, we are not above them
We give support, we ask for support
We are talkers, we are listeners

We...not just you, not just me
It's about us
Us
Contributing, Sharing
Giving, Getting
Support is two ways...

In Peace

Catherine--are you saying that this is the end of "class"???? and you are ending this thread?
Is it too long? then maybe we should just start "Class Announcement 2" ?
Or are you feeling overwhelmed and like you can't "help" anyone right now?
Just from me, I don't want to lose another "safe" place.

thank you w_i,
I'm fine, just thought the thread was getting too long...

Perhaps change our focus so more people will contribute and we can learn from each other while sharing where we are, where we've been, and where we want to go...

New beginning so to speak...

In Peace

Thanks Bruce for your response.
Even if I post something and yur response comes 125 post later, just quote mine and reply--i always look forward to your input. You have some very wise things to say and I so appreciate them. Please don't "drop out" b'cuz you type slow or have to think extra on what you post. Like I said I don't mind a late reply. I'm pretty sure P7 won't either if you quote her post and respond.
Just my thoughts

Catherine
I agree that the thread may be too long and others may be feeling they don't know where or how to post. But please, don't take away another safe place for me (and others.....) I'm not in a place I can deal with that right now. A new thread would be good, might encourage others. I really liked the idea of having someplace to post where i felt pretty safe and comfortable.

Catherine, I agree with White Iris. I have had a lot of IRL drama going on lately and have not been able to log on much, but this means so much when I can logon. I can talk openly to my best PC friends and receive unconditional support....it is such a safe place. When I am doing OK, I can be supportive. Admit....I have not been very active the last few weeks...just too depressed to find any words. But...I am feeling a little better today and am grateful that this thread is still here. Thanks for all you do Catherine!!

Where have all the flowers gone???????

[quote=Bruce.;1140007]


[/quote)

happy to hear your reply whenever you get to it Bruce

white iris i agree - leave this post running and maybe start others - split off like Bruce said but leave this as the first place a lot of us felt safe to post on - when it is done it will die naturally....

lets let it do that..... if there are new subjects start a new post if you feel you want to post here then do so - its all about being able to choopse - a thing a lot mof us were not allowed to do earlier on and soooo need to be able to do now - please leave this post active and start otehrs if needs be - jmo

take care one and all

Ok, until we reach an agreement on what to do with this thread...

Let's contribute/share what we hope our healing is going to be...what we are looking for to happen, how do we expect to get there...will we recognize when some healing has occurred?

jme...
Aside from my addictions, which has it's own category, I did not expect my path of healing to be so damn hard.
Pardon me, but that is the truth. I wanted to feel better and I wanted it Now, not later, not doing any hard work, I wanted it Now.
Once I stopped being The Keeper of The Secrets, I felt as though I was marooned on a slippery rock in the middle of the raging river...a polite way of say, "Oh crap, what did I get myself into now...!?"
When I looked back and when I looked forward, it was an equal distance. I was sorely tempted to attempt to jump into that river and fight to get back to where I had been; sick and miserable and so very tired. I knew I was in danger of being swept away, and that scared the bejubbies out of me.

When I looked over the rapids and saw a wee bit of peace beckoning me, did I immediately take the plunge? HA! This stubborn German-Irish woman wanted a guarantee that there would be a parade for me when I reached the other side...complete with a band playing, confetti, A Gold Trophy with my name engraved on it, and applause for my efforts.

I wanted to magically leave that rock and be on the other side...after all, hadn't I been through enough? didn't I deserve an easy time of it?
Yeah, right. Me and forty thousand others...

There were times when I felt I was drowning in fear and anxiety, overwhelmed by breaking the silence, and frigging afraid of what was going to happen to me since I had opened my mouth.
It was tough, harder than I thought or wanted it to be, times when I hated myself and everyone else...and other things not fit to share in mixed company.

We are survivors, everyone of us. We Do Not Compare. We huddle together for strength and acceptance...

Some healing began to happen when I realized it was going to come slowly; not being a patient woman, this royally POd me.
TS, Catherine. It may have happened with someone else but it didn't happen with me.
Darn it but I hate baby steps, inch by inch, sloth steps.
But it's just about the only way I was going to make any progress on that path, like it or not.

One of the biggest things for me re healing was admitting to my anger at them for not protecting me, and bit by itty bit, letting go of the shame/blame BS.
Is it perfect today? Good laugh that one is...most of you know that I've gone through some rough times recently. So have many others...like energizer bunnies, we keep going and going.
We may feel stuck, and sometimes we are, and this is absolutely all right! It's not a sign of weakness, of sliding backwards, or any other negative connotation we put on allowing ourselves to rest for awhile.
Every time we post, reply, read...we are moving forward.

What say ye all?

In Peace

beacause all the darkness or at least most of it -wil have ben replaced by the light of hope within my soul



(((((((((((((((((((((((((((catherine2))))))))))))))))))))))))

thankyou for sharing your thoughts too i wish you a safe and short journey to healing

P7

(((((( Catherine ))))))

((((((( phoenix )))))))

Thank you for sharing, P7.
You are very honest and focused on what you need, and that is so very important...

Just my own experience.
I had to focus on my expectations; be realistic, accept that there was no destination, but there was going to be great improvement.
Great improvement meant to me also meant not being on high alert all the time, of course being aware of my surroundings as a safety measure...but it didn't have to be because of past events, for me it was a common sense sort of thing and did give me some comfort.

Oh, yes, the dreams...
or should we say nightmares? less fear about going to bed?
I found it very useful at first to keep a journal, write in it if I woke up from the the nightmares; as a way of seeing if there was a pattern to them
Sometimes it was related to a particularly draining T session, event from the day, etc.. Sometimes it was also for not doing the things I knew would help me slept better...
No caffeine too close to bedtime, a small snack of something that containing tryptophan, music, and/or reading, warm showers...all small things that did help.
Help all the time? No. Nothing helps all the time no matter what it is.

" beacause all the darkness or at least most of it -wil have ben replaced by the light of hope within my soul"

P7, it will happen.
Constantly, I have to remind myself whenever I am in a very dark spot;

"Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack, a crack, in everything
That's how the light gets in."
Leonard Cohen
Anthem~~partial lyrics

It reminds me that I do not have to gear myself up to be pretty in my recovery...
but I do need to look for that crack of light.
It might be an itty-bitty one that needs a magnifying glass, but it is there.

Thank you for contributing...you've helped me and I'm grateful.

In Peace

Not all the lyrics were applicable to me, but many of them stood out to get my attention...

Catching up

W_I, in case your still reading.
Three years ago the threat of a hug would have sent me running for the nearest shelter.
Today: If I ever happen to meet any of you in real life, your gettin one. It's just the way I am now.
By the way:
Excuse me but, we're the same age. “Don't be callin me old.” According to the world life expectancy calculator I should live to be 95. Using 20 as a base point for adulthood, I've been an adult for 35 years, that's less than half way. I have 40 more years to make the most of.
That's the “cup half full” attitude.

As for “dropping out” ? I am........................................................................... Not.
It's just my way of saying sometimes it's hard to a word in edgeways.

Catherine

Aha... Puzzle piece, watcha find?

I have to have a center within me that is also a safe place. If I allow it, I can make that place within me grow...
How about?
I have a center within me that is also a safe place. If I nurture it, that place within me can grow...

That's a revelation

Post #369
Hmm, already past that class. I'm on to the next.
It's not a planned trip and there is no destination, you know that. It's more like a pinball game. Once the ball is in motion you have to keep those flippers going until you score a free game. When you lose a ball you crash. But the ball keeps coming back. Once the game is set in motion you have no choice, you have to play till you win. “ I love pinball”. You can't anticipate. You do have to remain conscious of your built in scoreboard to recognize your gains and identify pitfalls in order to develop better self understanding.

Hope that makes some kinda sense.


Bruce leans back in computer chair stretching arms forward, interlacing fingers. Then a deep breathe and exhale. Turns palms outward, extends arms and cracks knuckles, shakes fingers loosely and engages the keyboard.

P7 Re: Post #337
That was quite an outpouring of self recognition.

No it's not right, but it is what it is.
The best you can do? Try to help people make a difference in themselves. There is a reward in that and it does help you to grow too.

“Spirit in the Looking Glass”

who am I?

How about who was I?
Hiding in a fantasy?
Funny thing, 3 years ago I was hiding in an alternate reality too. Mine wasn't untouchable though.

Who am I really?

Reality strikes. “Reconnecting broken wires” A whole range of emotions coming back on line.... BUT WHERE'S THE FREAKIN CONTROLS!!!!

USS Enterprise caught in a gravity well on the fringe of a dimensional rift.
Kirk to Spock: Spock chart an escape route! Get us out of here!
Spock to Kirk: Captain, the gravity well is interfering with the navigational array. There is no logical escape route.
Kirk to Spock: Well then take your best guess Mr Spock!!!
Spock to Kirk: Captain as you are well aware, Vulcan's don't guess. That is an illogical human trait.
Kirk to Spock: Damn your logic Spock?! just turn us around then! All ahead full!
Spock to Kirk: We have insufficient power to reach escape velocity Captain.
Captain Kirk to engine room: Scotty, I need more power!!!
Scotty to Kirk: I'm givin yuh all she's got Captain. If I push her any harder she's gonna blow!!!

There sits the star ship Enterprise caught between two dimensions, two realities. Computer in flux, engines reaching critical. Where's Q when you need him? Oh yeah... wrong generation.

Then the most disturbing words flash onto the screen ...To Be Continued...

Will Spock find a way? Will logic prevail? Will the engines hold while the emotional James T Kirk drives the ship ahead on shear willpower? Will Scotty shut down the engines to save his beloved Enterprise before it shatters into a million pieces? Or will they just except the inevitable, turn about and enter the rift navigating a maze of temporal distortions in order to explore this new unknown dimension.

Preview
Lieutenant Uhura: Captain, I'm picking some old fashioned radio signals emanating from the temporal distortions. Sounds like old recorded messages played over and over again. But wait,.......... there's something else. It's very faint... It sounds like the voice of a little girl. It's emanating from deep within the unknown dimension...... Captain...... It's not a recording.

or, worded it in a more defining way
my own experience has shown me that to be more centered I do need a place within me and I do have one already in place.

When my cottage burned down, it was not just the physical place I went to for rest and renewal. I carried another safe feeling with me.
Recognizing there is one in place..one that wouldn't go up in fire.
Allowing also means permission to do it; to depend on what is already within me to be my focus...not on an external place.

"Excuse me but, we're the same age. “Don't be callin me old.” According to the world life expectancy calculator I should live to be 95. Using 20 as a base point for adulthood, I've been an adult for 35 years, that's less than half way. I have 40 more years to make the most of.
That's the “cup half full” attitude. "
Sorry Bruce----Sometimes I feel like an old lady--tho only 56 (birthday the 26th this month) I feel i have lived many lifetimes. But I like your attitude!! One I am working on adopting and just may after-all

I have no great words here......jsut working on staying focused in the present. Filling my time with as much as I can to block out what I can't deal with right now......stuffing everything in like a sausage wondering how much can fit in without it bursting at the seams.....
feeling terribly alone, forgotten and more than exhausted reaching out for myself....still meeting everyone elses needs and being available to them for whatever (IRL anyway). Feel the victim again. step on me, take everything i have, sqeaze me for every drop of energy and then just walk away......OR---just let me know I am no longer wanted.....an invasion of their space......But, it's ok, cuz all of it is familiar. all of it is normal in my life. T says i'm too nice, too giving, too quiet----she sees the fire inside and wants me to see it and to acknowledge it....i tell her i'm afraid of fire.
physical and emotional......i'd rather take the blame, stuff and do as i'm told.
Really was doing well for awhile.....don't know what happened.
Don't know why i'm in this place
DAMN------i can't find the fight and the will.....
so i make daily commitments because them i can follow thru with.(IRL)
usually.
It's all i have right now.

Sorry for the downer.
Going back into hiding.