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hugs and good thoughts to everyone

hi michele...
Thank you for reading the initial post.

I think the confusion, shame/guilt, anger do reach a point where they do not consume us. To me, the ongoing process is living with the after affects, accepting that we are going to have troubled times...but those troubled times will become less frequent.
When I find myself wandering around in those troubled times, I need to take a personal inventory and assess what may have led to it.
Am I always successful? No.
And I do have days when I don't give a FF about anything...
Both are all right...

In Peace

w_i,
Thank you for being so honest...I appreciate it.
Don't ya ever get tired of working through things?! I know I do at times...kind of like, ah nuts, not again?

...and you will get there.
It's one of the things we do best.
Fall and crawl...but we are in the best of company.

In Peace, my friend, in peace

Ok, I was once again making grass angels in left field while the game was going on...

w_i,
I just realized you said you were working through things...forgive me for not recognizing the progress you've made by saying them. I offer my apology.

Knowing you will get there is empowerment...something you have given yourself; acknowledgment of your strength but also your determination to make it to the next step. I salute your courage...

...and you still were able to think of others and offer your support.
Simply put--Thank You.

In Peace

"What a difference a day makes...24 little hours..." Old Song...so I'm dating myself on using that oldie but goodie song.

Today
Doing The GIGO Waltz
Soulda-Coulda Shuffle
WTH Did I Get Myself Into Twist

Fall And Crawl
FedEx Man Is Off Today
...don't know about UPS.

Sometimes ya have to ride it out when these things happen. I can't say it sneaked up on me, because hindsight is showing me I was not listening to my gut instinct about some things.

Apparently the lesson wasn't learned so I'm being taught again. Oh joy...

In Peace
(feels like a wascally wabbit right now--Elmer Fudd!)

Talking to myself right now
Listening to J S Bach Air On A G String...Kuai Le/Yo Yo Ma...Chants/Cisternian Monks of Stift Heiligenkruez
Stopped giving lip service to my maintenance needs, riding this out, and start again.
Stop...Start...Stop...Start
Fortunately there is more forward movement then there are those of stuck-in-the-moments.

My Little Chickadee...mine, not WC Fields
I love this little bird; sent by Creator to remind me that it's all right to be unique...to hear your own drummer and dance to your own song.
This little bird comes to the feeder every morning. He waits for me to settle in and then the show starts...
His gift to me is he grasps the feeder line then rolls over so he is swinging upside down. An itty-bitty trapeze artist...he hangs on although the wind may swing him up and away, back down for a swoop then back up. His morning exercise before his breakfast...

Can I not be like my little friend? I don't know many chickadees that hang upside and sway with the wind.
Perhaps it's all right for me to look at the world from a different viewpoint...upside down may reveal an entirely different perspective/view.
I should not fear this, at times I do though.

"All of us are lying in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars" is an Oscar Wilde quote. I'll leave any interpretation to wiser ones...
But
If I'm lying in the gutter resting; maybe I should be looking for the stars.
and remembering
Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack, a crack in everything
That's how the light gets in.
That's how the light gets in
Leonard Cohen, Anthem, The Future Album

'Bout time I rang the bell

(((((((( Catherine ))))))))))

trigger icon out of respect, grown ups make their own decisions

******, I'm in a bad spot...
enough that I entertained the idea of support chat
to get, not give
frigging fallible feeling

trusting and believing in someone
who used me
my own fault, I left myself open to it
naive or stupid?
doesn't matter, the affect is the same
hate it when
I should have known
I could have listened to that voice saying tread lightly
Didn't do either
paying the price...
perhaps it will be in pennies and not silver dollars

Out Of Peace

((((((((Catherine)))))))))
Sometimes we do things for ourselves and I think that is really ok.
Release the bat.....I hope that you were able to get some of your needs met. I appreciate your honesty and openness.

Betrayal
Used by someone you trusted
I know that pain
I know that mixed bag of emotions
All tangled up like a thousand tentacles.....
and the voice of judgment
join with the bat of self punishment

it happens.
and it hurts
and it makes one more cautious
more wary of others
another layer of armor......

i hope that your price is less than pennies.
mine was my very sanity
my very being.
and i'm not sure i will ever get that back.......

I am sending you PEACE
sometimes it isn't what we think it is....
sometimes we have to find it or snatch just a sliver of it
sometimes we have had it all along and just have to re-discover it.

Hugs and PEACE to you my friend

w_i,
thank you for your support
it's needed more than I can put into words

it's my own stupidity that got me into this mess
yeah, the shock of being used,among other things, brings out a variety of feelings
and some of them I just can't handle with any finesse or grace right now

needs met?
no
scrambling to find a safer place

thank you, again, white_iris, for caring enough to respond

it's not what happened; I've been disappointed before
what's bothering me the most is my hearing those old tapes again
I didn't think I had arrived at some magical spot that would make me immune to them
but my descent into hearing them and not being able to silence them yet.

(((((( C ))))))
I hear you.

YOU my friend are never stupid.

(needs met? no.. agrees here too)

((((((Catherine)))))))
Those old tapes----oh how loud they can be!!!!
I tried once to write down what they were saying---that was really
stupid for me---found myself under the desk in a hysterical heap.
Poor H--He didn't know what to do except hold me and let me
weep till there was nothing left.
guess seeing them on paper was not a good healing activity

I know how important it is to find a safe nurturing place and not be
the "leader" or "teacher"......find myself in that role way too often.
then i think i have to live up to that by helping everyone else and
minimize my own needs.......talk out of experience and NOT give
myself away too much that i am struggling now.
but that meets the "how much do i trust someone anyway"
even in T i don't tell all.....

is there a way for ppl like me/you to find a "place" or a "way" to
express, feel safe, be accepted, and for me anyway--not feel i have to be there to support everyone else and put my own things aside????

just ramblings
just my thoughts

w_i,
thank you for reading between the lines
and hearing my heart aching

Going to get up and do physical activity, anything.
Plenty of pain pills to ease what that will do to my body
But it's a trade off that I need to make right now...

Thank you, again.

Catherine,

I cannot say I'm aware of all of the things that have been going on for you. As a matter of fact, I feel a little in the dark about some of the things that have gone on for all of us.

I can only address those things I feel certain of. And I'm going to do that. I'm making a list right now. (Been doing a lot of those lately)

• Thank you for your thoughtful efforts
• Thank you for your kind and wise words
• Thank you for your tears, pain and humor
• I'm sorry you have been hurt, that isn't fair
• Shame on manipulative and abusive people who hurt my friends
• If you're stupid then I am too
• Trade the 8 Tracks in for DVD's
• Voices in head? Play happier music
• Human beings are born narcissistic, then move on, however some people stay that way their entire lives in total and complete ignorance...never to know the blankety-blank difference
• we all use each other, in varying degrees, varying intensities up and down the scale of good and evil
• at least you know where left field is
• sitting in the hallway, waiting for a new door to open sucks when ya gotta pee
• Hell, it sucks when ya don't gotta pee

Much love to you You are my hero

notz, thank you
for your words of comfort
especially
for the words that cleared the mists

In Peace...

Thank you everyone
participants
teachers
students
all...
We did good in the beginning, didn't we?

The roller coaster ride stopped for awhile
apparently I did not get off
before it started again.
Blurred faces, little scenery
much ado

No one needs this
nothing like making a fool of yourself
for all the world to see
wide world, my own little world
wrapped together
in a not so pretty package

((((((Catherine)))))))
Hmmmm, I don't see a fool
perhaps feeling foolish about something but feelings don't identify who
one is........
I hear the sadness and perhaps some feeling of defeat?? Do correct my
sense here...it's ok to be in your place right now. It's not ok to decide
to stay there with your bat.
these thoughts are for myself right now as well as for you....
thinking that if i perhaps say them to you, i will have to
acknowledge the "advice" for myself.

You have a survivor spirit....call on it, let it empower you
You have come so far in your journey, don't give up now
crawl if you have to
reach for a hand (mine is there)
use the old "white knuckle grip" it's ok, there are those who are willing to allow you to hang on to them that tight
whatever it takes,
however long
i will do what i can if you let me know what you need.

I Think this poem has been a little too long in waiting. Too much time spent trying to help other people with their problems, not enough spent on your own.
Hmmm... Sometimes we immerse ourselves in other peoples problems to avoid having to deal with our own. (jmo)

Hope you don't mind? I messed around with it a bit.

Quote:

If I exist as a shroud only, Should that not release the unbearable?? See me only as a shadow vague and undisturbed Pass through me quickly take the strands of my spirit and cut them loose…

You are not a shroud kind lady, you care to much. Shrouds don't care at all.
No matter how we try to hide or fade away we can't elude ourselves.

Quote:

Thrice the whispers of help me I am hurting Not heard not understood No one available No harm meant others filled with their own whispers of I Hurt

Sometimes we need to shout to be heard. Sometimes we need to shout at ourselves to hear those things that are too hard to be heard.
We should never ever have to apologize for saying that we feel left out.

Quote:

I Hurt Cut them loose the strands of my spirit Empty space out of space out in space Float without an anchor No soaring blowing aimlessly No destination lost Darkness, no Light, no Limbo, yes Suffocating stillness Shallow breathing Creep and crawl and fall Maybe goose step through the 24 hours? By rote/auto-pilot…broken Sag time sag man gone Not for good invisible for awhile Give and get eyes locked in shared despair No greetings from the other side of it No trail through it make my own when energy returns Energy returns when the bill is paid Didn’t know it was past due Close the door to the recovery room Sleep empty of dreams full of fits

Don't know if you have read this, It's about a door of mine.

Lost Inside Myself

Caught out on my own
Lost and all alone
Hopelessly I roam
Can't find my way... back home

People all around
I can't make a sound
What am I say
they're a galaxy... away

Help me please I pray
I can't bear another day
Reaching voices echo
From a galaxy... away

They try to lend a hand
but they can't understand
this isolating fear
the precipice... is near

Life is so unfair
I know they really care
But the door is locked
And here I am
Alone in my... despair

One question... sag man?

white_iris,
Thank you once again for your wise words.

FedEx picked up the bat today--he was stronger than I expected and wrestled it out of my hands.

I'm a bit raw right now, but that is all right. Sometimes when we get rid of the garbage in our sacks, it burns yet again. I wasn't aware that I was putting back old stuff into a bag and carrying it around...hard to look up when you are weighed down by it.
And, yeah I admit to feeling defeated. It was a surprise when I realized I wasn't subbing for Mother Teresa.
I reverted back to John Wayne Syndrome. The slipping into it was remarkably easy; getting out of it took a helluva lot of hurt.
Without the help of loving people, I would still be in that terrible place. Hindsight shows me that I felt that I had to hide it...
What a lesson!

Thank you for reminding me of my own advice!
I've given myself another permission...taking an inventory of what happened to me. I'm not obsessing over everything that was going on...I'm trying to let it be ok ,ok that it happened and, no I don't have to define myself by it.

My hand is in yours, w_i. It's not with white knuckles, though.
Gratitude for it is there for me. I strayed off my path and you are keeping me company while I find mine...a new one/different one.
Other hands are also being offered, so I'll hold each of them.
Call it selfish but I'll take ahold of everyone of them.

In Peace


In Peace

take hold of as many as you need.
it is how to work, walk, crawl thru and on the path.
glad i could offer mine, my friend.
keep holding it for as long as you need/want.

(((((((((((((((((((((((Catherine2))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

holding out a hand or sitting wiht you if you prefer - walking beside you and sending phoenix fire to light your way

((((((((((((((((white Iris))))))))))))))))))))

rock of this place ty

((((((((((((((((everyone here ))))))))))))))))))))))

sending you hugs or sittingwiht you as you wish - take care p7

(((((((((((((( everyone ))))))))))))))))

Catherine,

OLLIE OLLIE OXEN FREE!!

I Think this poem has been a little too long in waiting. Too much time spent trying to help other people with their problems, not enough spent on your own.
Hmmm... Sometimes we immerse ourselves in other peoples problems to avoid having to deal with our own. (jmo)

jmo
perhaps not avoidance but ignoring the flags of warning...toughing it out comes easily to most of us

Sometimes we need to shout to be heard. Sometimes we need to shout at ourselves to hear those things that are too hard to be heard.
We should never ever have to apologize for saying that we feel left out.
you are right, my friend.

Don't know if you have read this, It's about a door of mine.

Lost Inside Myself

Caught out on my own
Lost and all alone
Hopelessly I roam
Can't find my way... back home

People all around
I can't make a sound
What am I say
they're a galaxy... away

Help me please I pray
I can't bear another day
Reaching voices echo
From a galaxy... away

They try to lend a hand
but they can't understand
this isolating fear
the precipice... is near

Life is so unfair
I know they really care
But the door is locked
And here I am
Alone in my... despair

...thank you for sharing this with me...wake up call again.
wonder how many of those calls I'll need before I wake up before they are made.

One question... sag man?
sag man is my Nam buddy, Mickey. he has a 17th sense of when things are pent up with me. when I see him, he bear hugs me until I let go of the tears.

In Peace

I have to find a tutor to tell me in the kinder-ese language how to do the quote.
My efforts are obviously not successful