Early PTS

JayS · Jul 16, 2009, 11:31 AM

I don't know how old I was but I remember laying in my baby crib with my stuffies, I was really terrified of them but I couldn't get away because I couldn't walk yet. I would watch them stand up, and they would seem to get bigger, towering over me, they were so horrible and evil looking, they were laughing at me, there laughs were so loud and high pitched it hurt my ears and they were trying to grab me, I remember I was crying but no one would come to help. Those laughing faces are burned into my memory, it still scares me when I think about it.

When I was 10, my sister had one of those dolls that are the size of an 8 year old, she would keep it on the center of her bed during the day. It was alive, I know it was, I've seen it's head turn by it's self. One night I woke up with it standing right in front of my face... Standing!!! I ran as fast as I could to tell my dad but he just said that it was either my sister or brother playing a joke on me and to forget about it, but I couldn't do that, that doll could not stand without something holding it up so I know it wasn't a joke. When I got up the nerve I took the doll back to my sisters room and buried it under all the clean wash facing the wall then I went back to bed, in the morning I went to my sisters room , she was still sleeping but the doll wasn't buried anymore, it was sitting up facing the door with all the wash pushed about a foot away from it. Everyone swore that they never touched it.

After a while I got my way and had every doll, stuffie and statue removed from the house.

Now I cannot be around stuffies, dolls or anything made in human form because they really terrify, I know they're trying to get me and that they're all evil.

Pikku Myy · Jul 16, 2009, 11:21 PM

JayS

I have some very sad and reoccuring memories from my childhood as well... that haunted me every night for 15 years... I can understand

These memories are just beginning to come back....reoccuring nightmares of cartoons on a white backgroung... getting smaller and smaller... until you can't see them.. and lighting up four candles... while the wind is blowing them away... lost my best friend to cancer at age 7. Just let these feelings come out... otherwise you will never be able to seek peace

JayS · Jul 17, 2009, 01:48 AM

What I wrote was just the start of that nightmare... my mother was the cause of all my problems but I think she had something to do with this too, she was into the black magic and using a ouija board, she would use this stuff every night.... I still remember it clearly, all the lights in the room were out, only black candles are burning and she would read aloud from her book in something I couldn't understand... and that smell of whatever it was she was burning would make me sick, it was hard to breath. She did a spell that gave her soul to the devil, she cut her hand and let the blood drip on a piece of parchment paper with writing and markings all over it... then she burned the paper with the candle in the center of the pentagram.

It was very hard to live like that, being scared every night because of what she was doing.... I would hear and see things all the time, shadows, faces, things moving and then the sounds, very hollow screams, banging that seemed to come from out of nowhere.... feeling that I'm being watched and that something is after me that I can't see, I still feel that way even now.... it's been 19 years since being with her and my nerves are still gone, even the sound of a pin dropping on the floor makes me jump out of fright.

She ruined my life.

JayS · Jul 17, 2009, 05:37 PM

*sigh*

Okay, what did I do now?

(JD) · Jul 17, 2009, 06:00 PM

JayS · Jul 17, 2009, 06:12 PM

Thanks Sky

Don't worry about this thread, anyone can delete it please.

Pikku Myy · Jul 17, 2009, 10:52 PM

About dreams.... there is so much to them

that is horrible... and also good

But all real usually comes out.... in one way or other. I am not an expert and can't analyze what you are going thru... but I can relate

JayS · Jul 17, 2009, 11:25 PM

These are not dreams though, all this really happened.

Catherine2 · Jul 18, 2009, 12:29 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JayS

*sigh*

Okay, what did I do now?

JayS,
what makes you think you did anything wrong?

It took a lot of courage to post with such honesty...
Sometimes it takes folks a day or two to read the forums and respond...it's no reflection on the poster.

Keep sharing and let us know how you are doing, ok?

Catherine

JayS · Jul 18, 2009, 02:35 AM

I don't know if I did anything wrong, but it feels that way.

Catherine2 · Jul 18, 2009, 02:45 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JayS

I don't know if I did anything wrong, but it feels that way.

JayS,
You didn't do anything wrong and I'm so sorry you feel this way.
Perhaps it's a reaction to talking about it...it's hard when we stop keeping secrets.
When I first did, it took awhile before I felt safe, that I had done the right thing, and to let go of my many fears.

Keep posting. Get it out in the open, ok?

Catherine

Pikku Myy · Jul 18, 2009, 08:34 AM

JayS · Jul 18, 2009, 10:13 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Catherine2

JayS,
You didn't do anything wrong and I'm so sorry you feel this way.
Perhaps it's a reaction to talking about it...it's hard when we stop keeping secrets.
When I first did, it took awhile before I felt safe, that I had done the right thing, and to let go of my many fears.

Keep posting. Get it out in the open, ok?

Catherine

I don't know, I was always ordered to say nothing... that what happens in the house stay's in the house... maybe that's why, but I don't know. I also I was always told that no one want's to hear what I have to say, so I feel like no one want's to hear what I have to say.

Fuzzybear · Jul 19, 2009, 02:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JayS

I don't know, I was always ordered to say nothing... that what happens in the house stay's in the house... maybe that's why, but I don't know. I also I was always told that no one want's to hear what I have to say, so I feel like no one want's to hear what I have to say.

oh yes...

to you for what its worth from me (probly not much)

Sannah · Jul 21, 2009, 09:42 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JayS

I don't know, I was always ordered to say nothing... that what happens in the house stay's in the house... maybe that's why, but I don't know. I also I was always told that no one want's to hear what I have to say, so I feel like no one want's to hear what I have to say.

These were powerful messages Jay

. I am so glad that you are opening up more. I am sorry that you had to grow up like that

. Keep working on healing and you will find a better life for yourself

...

multipixie9 · Jul 24, 2009, 01:47 AM

JayS,

I believe you. That kind of activity by your parent is extremely harmful to a small child and it does create experiences that are not explained in the everyday world. I am so sorry you were abused spiritually and emotionally. You were a precious baby and should have been raised in safety and love and were robbed of that protection that all children deserve. There is healing for spiritual abuse. I am getting it.

I am so sad for the child you were, but I do have hope that you can find healing and an easing of the crippling fears that spiritual darkness exposed you to with it's evil. Keep posting, darkness fades when it is brought out into the light. The first step is to call things what they really are. You are doing a brave and good thing for yourself and no one here would want you to hold back. I now refuse to keep the secrets they tried to force me to keep and even to take responsibility for. None of that was your fault.

Leslie/Multipixie9

JayS · Jul 26, 2009, 12:47 AM

(((((multipixie)))))

Thank you for believing me... I do hope I can get rid of these fears, even though it was so long ago, I still feel all these fears as if I was still there as a little child... I am always looking over my shoulder and am afraid of my own shadow.

The sexual and physical abuse from my mother happened all the time, there was no escape... but I have released that already in another thread so I'll leave it out here... School was a hard time, I would get asked about bruises and would have to say it's from playing, my mother would get asked and her answer would be that I'm a "boy"... it happens, and he bruise easily... but it was all from her, I wanted to tell but nothing must ever leaves the house... and grown up's never believe kids... " you don't know what you are talking about", I have heard that many times...And lunch time, oh I had a lunch... I would get a drink and a sandwich, but I would have to check it before trying to eat it because there was always something in it, the bread tag, staples, twist ties, hair... I even got them with the cheese slice still in the wrapper... yes, lunch was always fun.

I'm really tired right now so I'll tak later.

Sannah · Jul 27, 2009, 09:04 AM

((((((((((Jay)))))))))))

Jay, your mom sounded very, very ill. Was she ever diagnosed?

multipixie9 · Jul 27, 2009, 04:17 PM

*trigger warning* some spiritual abuse described but not in horrific detail.

Dear Jay,

I relate so strongly to you and I feel angry that you suffered so much and NO one helped. That was EVIL. Your mother's behavior was totally wrong, evil, undeserved, sickening and nasty. I went through some similar things and believe you me, the "what happens at home better stay at home" was a threat I never forgot. I never told. The fear of mother was ever-present. In 4th grade my teacher was satanist/perv. and she left bruises and my mom took me up and complained and nothing was done until the teacher was fired at the end of the year. Nothing was done for me because they did not believe our mother. She left scratches and bruises and the school had called her out on marks on one of our brothers.

Enough of me. All that is to say that what happened to you was REAL and it was a recognized pattern of spiritual, emotional, physical and sexual abuse that has happened to others. My mother's family was into satanic/occult evil and horrors happened.

Jay, I am getting healing and it has gotten better for me. I'm not finished, by a long shot, but it is clearly better for me now than it used to be. I am wanting to give you some hope that if I can get help, you can too. I am not very different from you, only that I'm female. I am soo sorry you were hurt this way. Take the hope I'm offering if you can; there is a way out of the dark and into wholesome light and life.

Leslie/Multipixie

JayS · Jul 28, 2009, 09:02 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sannah

((((((((((Jay)))))))))))

Jay, your mom sounded very, very ill. Was she ever diagnosed?

I think she was but with what I don't know.... she was put in an mental institution a very long time ago, I'm not sure if she's still there or not cause I can get no info about anything.