Venting right now, not sure if it will trigger so I put a trigger warning on it.....

ooops-------

..........MAY TRIGGER........

I am in a real difficult place right now. Don't know if it is under PTSD, but I trust ppl here so I will go with it.

Saw my back x-rays and all is worse than originally thought. degenerative disk and arthritis disease....progressive. L-5 is nearly bone on bone with my sacrum and large arthritis spurs with compression on the nerve....
very limited activity for now. frustration level is out the roof, muck and darkness are closing in, anger at family dr is rising, and going between determined to NOT let this get to me and do what I can to strengthen muscles and fight this and "what the hell, it's only going to get worse so why even try----which is my father's attitude and my sister's.

Raised without good role models for working thru things physical or emotional or problem solving...father has had back problems forever and he just quit doing. Got very fat, slothful and complained and now is so immobile that he is like a beached whale.
my sister followed his lead when she started having physical problems. Didn't work to correct, or learn how to deal with things and now is very fat, slothful, demanding of her H and is pretty immobile.

Don't want to go that route!! Yet, right now the pain is reminding me that any little thing I do will cause major discomfort and near immobility.

I hurt!! I am frustrated!!! I have a full garden that needs to be weeded and cared for---flower gardens that are choked by weeds----much needs to be done and I can't.
H is wonderful, he is helping but works 40-50 hrs/wk. He is willing to do anything to make life easier for me........
There's where the guilt comes in
I have been nothing but a burden to him for near all our 37 yrs of marriage. Financial, emotional, physical.......
I CAN"T DO THIS ANY MORE

T says to focus on what I CAN do and perhaps this is a time to explore NEW interests.......sounds ok but I said " right now i am in a crappy place and can't even think of that"

I'm exhausted, in pain, frustrated, angry, and trying to be "fine" to everyone including H. (who knows me too well).
I'm losing my grip
I'm losing my grounding
I'm wanting some relief.

I'm whinning and know that some who read this are in much worse shape than i am and living every day and getting thru.
my physical stuff isn't any worse that someone else and it happens to ppl every day...so i need to shut up now and want to delete this whole thing because it is one big pity party.

no need to read or reply.
i'll go back to class in sit in the broom closet.

[Sannah]

Iris, might you be grieving?????? Getting this news about your back would cause a need to mourn. It is a loss.

[Elysium]

(((((WI)))))

Oh...honey...you don't need to sit in the closet.

You have just as much right to feel hurt, angry, sad, and all those other feelings you're feeling right now, as much as anyone.

I'm sorry your in pain. Back pain is the worst!!

It probably would hurt too much at this point, but would there be a way you could get down to ground level to sit indian style for a bit and work on your garden that way? I'm sure it probably hurts for you to sit in any one position for very long.

Has your Dr. talked with you about any possibility of surgical options? It sounds scary, but I know that they can sometimes place an artificial disk in between the vertebrae, or they can do what is called a "fusion" which is where they fuse the two vertebrae together. Sometimes there can be a slight loss of range of motion in fusions, but it can prevent the pain.

I don't know if you have access to anything like this, but physical therapy can help too. I bet you know that though. Doing some exercises in a pool can help too, to build up the muscles around your spine so they can absorb more impact.

I wish you the best here. I know it's just one more thing in the list of hurts....but I'm here for you!!

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((((((( Constellation ))))))))))))))))

[Hunny]

White Iris


Hunny

[skeksi]

white iris

[Secret]

I injured my back years ago, and have many of the same problems with it as you are now experiencing.

Are the doctors saying that activity will cause more damage? Or is it their remedy for pain relief? If it is just for pain ... well it helps in the short term but lack of activity will cause more pain in the long term, until you actually can't bear to do much of anything.

PT will help, but it might be advisable to have surgery since the disc is gone. Get a few opinions. My neurosurgeon discourages surgery for me because of the extensive damage I have (T-12 thru L-5 are all affected to some extent), but I still have some disc left (mine have hardened somewhat and the lower lumbar now have a beniegn tumor covering them)

Originally Posted by white_iris

ooops-------

Don't want to go that route!! Yet, right now the pain is reminding me that any little thing I do will cause major discomfort and near immobility.

I hurt!! I am frustrated!!! I have a full garden that needs to be weeded and cared for---flower gardens that are choked by weeds----much needs to be done and I can't.
H is wonderful, he is helping but works 40-50 hrs/wk. He is willing to do anything to make life easier for me........
There's where the guilt comes in
I have been nothing but a burden to him for near all our 37 yrs of marriage. Financial, emotional, physical.......
I CAN"T DO THIS ANY MORE

T says to focus on what I CAN do and perhaps this is a time to explore NEW interests.......sounds ok but I said " right now i am in a crappy place and can't even think of that"

I'm exhausted, in pain, frustrated, angry, and trying to be "fine" to everyone including H. (who knows me too well).
I'm losing my grip
I'm losing my grounding
I'm wanting some relief.

I'm whinning and know that some who read this are in much worse shape than i am and living every day and getting thru.
my physical stuff isn't any worse that someone else and it happens to ppl every day...so i need to shut up now and want to delete this whole thing because it is one big pity party.

no need to read or reply.
i'll go back to class in sit in the broom closet.

You know what - I'm very proud of you.
By getting this out, not holding it in, not wanting to be like those others.... IS A WONDERFUL process.
It infact WILL enable you to grow strong about the issues that you've shared.
By being strong I mean you know what you DON'T want to happen SO you won't ALLOW it, So it cannot be.........
The mind so messed up, BUT it also is a good thing.
You're thoughts may sound negative, but there realistic....
So now you know... You wrote it, you felt it, you see it.

I have belief in you that through this you will be able to come to some sort of peace with it...
NOT saying is GONNA ALL BE BETTER, just saying.....
You're doing a great job by KNOWING - So you have A LOT to work toward.....
SO your life will continue in the direction YOU chose - not the direction others tell you that you will go.....
AND such a wonderful person to be there for and with you -
If this person is there - It means they WANT to be....
Isn't that beautiful............

thank you (((((Everyone)))) for all your support and kind words and help. don't have the energy or time to answer each individually right now. words are hard...and yes, Sannah, we are grieving. know that, T knows that and we are allowing it....for once. and it HURTS!!!! physically and emotionally.
gonna go do my physical therapy exercises then crash. did too much today already......

love to you all

No need to respond - this is YOUR issue we're to be supportive to each other and ask nothing in return.
That's why I love this place - cuz it's JUST here.

starlite--hugs if you accept them. i appreciate what you just said. i often feel i have to be that "perfect" person who "does all the right things"--thank you notes etc.... you know like the ones for the "cute bunny PJ's" you will never wear or the 3rd grade book when you are in high school??? yup---the good girl......

Originally Posted by white_iris

starlite--hugs if you accept them. i appreciate what you just said. i often feel i have to be that "perfect" person who "does all the right things"--thank you notes etc.... you know like the ones for the "cute bunny PJ's" you will never wear or the 3rd grade book when you are in high school??? yup---the good girl......

Of course I'll accept them, I know they're coming from a very kind person.
Not someone is SUPPOSE to do things, but one who WANTS to do - Whatever they Want.

I used to be an executive secretary for McDonnell Douglas Aircraft in California. California it's self is 'all that' they think.
I was once one of those dime a dozen people - the all show, mask wearing person. Perfect card sending, always on time, ... u know...

Hey well the masks' been smashed and I'm here at LAST

[Sannah]

Grieving does pass if it is allowed...........

[notz]

((((((((((White Iris)))))))))

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((( white iris )))))))))))

these are all the emotions i am feeling after seeing my medical dr today.
he said the xrays were "no worse than mine would be at our age" and he really doesn't think that what is there is causing the pain as intense as it is. (10)
said it's not a pinched nerve or anything he can see--maybe some artritis in the hip----but not worth an x-ray.
back not worth doing the mri. says it will most likely get better with time. doesn't deny i am in pain, but doesn't see any reason for further investigation--not now. Rx pain meds, anti-inflamatory meds and keep on with the chiropractor....do the exercises etc.......

should be happy i guess--instead i want to cry and scream ---damn it hurts!!!!!!!!! I'm frustrated!!!!!!

what the he-- doesn't matter anyway. back to just muscle pain (hip rotator muscles most likely the cause--perhaps) didn't mention the fibro but i can hear it wanting to be said.......

One voice inside yells "REJOICE--you don't need surgury, it will most likely get better...."
The other voice says "who the hell cares---i'm just a big attention seeking baby that wants someone to feel sorry for her....get up off your a-- and quit complaining..."

so i will listen to the second voice.
quit complaining
forget the tears
push on thru it like i've done before
and before
and before
and again
and again......
wtf--it's just a crappy old damaged body anyway.......

enough ranting.
i'll close the subject
i'll go away.

[Secret]

Iris
You really need to see another doctor! Or insist on a consult to a neurologist. I am assuming that you have insurance.

[Catherine2]

Get A Second Opinion

no kidding, white_iris...Get A Second Opinion

my (10) back pain did not show on xrays--it was the MRI and Cat Scan that showed exactly what needed to be fixed...
I had one of the best spine surgeons in this area. One of the reasons he's the best?? He doesn't operate unless he knows it's going to help...aka not knife happy.

You have to be your own advocate, and usually it's at the worse time--you hurt, you hurt, you hurt.
Let H run interference for you.

Sorry...but I'm spitting nails at your rectal orifice of a doc...
Give yourself a few hours to cry
then make a plan of action.

Catherine
p.s.
when your pain level is that high, it needs to be addressed Now

it's addressed--demerol, anti inflamatories....patience.....
says that when he stretches the right leg tho it causes pain, and he rotates the hip, it causes pain but when he flexes the foot and bends the knee there is no real pain--that says not nerve.
sitting does not cause intense pain....getting up does.
should be same level of pain when sitting as standing, walking.
keep stretching the hamstrings
take inflamatories
it will get better.......
no mri
no further x-rays--even of hip if he thinks it is coming from there....doesn't matter what x-rays say----not important. nothing anyone can do anyway. if not better in a few weeks, then he may send me to someone.

chiropractor said that he will order mri if after 2-4 weeks the traction and xercises don't show improvement. insurance doesn't cover mri from chiropractor if therapy is working.

i am really A-OK....guess it's all in my head again.
buck up, quit complaining.
forget it and move onto something else.
pain meds will be fine---can take them and no pain
then i can do what i want and have to do.
no one thinks it will cause any damage at all.
i guess i'm done ranting.
sorry

[notz]

White Iris,

A second opinion is a good thing to do. No matter the outcome, it will help with your peace of mind. Just do it. Hear us? Do the second opinion.

[Fuzzybear]

I agree with notz, please get a second opinion. Because you're worth it

will it really matter anyway--
i'll be told the same thing...
it's never anything anyway.
my fear is it is a tumor or something that no one can see
that eventually everything will be over anyway.
if no one is worried, why should i be?????
i can't seem to find my way out of this
eventually i'll get there......

[notz]

Originally Posted by white_iris

will it really matter anyway--
Yes, it does matter.

i'll be told the same thing... You don't know that.
it's never anything anyway. No, no, that thinking is stinking thinking.
my fear is it is a tumor or something that no one can see Understandable, I would wonder the very same thing. Which is why a second opinion will be valuable to your peace of mind if nothing else.
that eventually everything will be over anyway. Again, you do not know that.
if no one is worried, why should i be????? Because it's your body and your quality of life!
i can't seem to find my way out of this
eventually i'll get there......

Yes, you will find your way out of this. That's good thinking!!

[susan888]

(((White Iris)))
I would definitely get a second opinion preferably from a neurosurgeon if you can.. When I was 34 I was in constant pain and my PC doc just did an x-ray that didn't show anything significant. It didn't go away. I finally got a referral to a neurosurgeon who did an MRI. I did end up having surgery and IT WORKED!! I didn't walk like a 90 y/o anymore and I wasn't in constant pain! Sometimes you just have to be your own adocate..no one knows your body like you do and I do know that can be so hard if you are feeling invalidated....

You are a wonderful and strong person and I am sure that your H loves you very much! Seeking help for being in pain is NOT whining!!


Susan