[o784951]

I need help... my wife suffered abuse at the hands of her ex-husband, and sometimes she has flash-backs. What is the easiest way to deal with this?
it is like she is talking to someone else...angry outbursts...talking to me like I am the one that tried to kill her, and tortured her.... So far, I have been letting her get it out, and not taking those things she says to heart, then afterwards, when she realizes what she has done, she is so sorry and remorseful and I just hold her through it. I let her talk all about how she was feeling, and what was going through her mind when she freaks out. Over the last 6 months, she is doing so much better. She was betrade by everyone when she was married to this monster, family, friends, and even a counselor, and they cause more problems in her life. So she has big trust issues with everyone except me. I feel overwhelmed sometimes, because now I can see the signs of one of her episode coming on... am I doing the right thing? Is there more ways I can help her talk about all the bad things, because she talks more about what happened to her, right after these blow ups... She is controlling it more...
How can I be the best husband I can be? I hate to see her go through all of this, but from everything I have read, this is a journey only she can make, and she has chosen me to be her anchor...all your help will be appreciated...I love her so much, and just want her to be free...

You are a wonderful Husband!!!!!
As is mine!!
The best gift i gave my H was to urge him into counseling. For him, for his needs, for him to be able to vent and release his own feelings that he can't or won't show with me. It takes a toll on the spouse for sure!
He needed to learn to be himself, not just my "protector, comforter, co-dependant partner". I wanted him to be just as free as he wants me to be.

The other part of that is to make sure she also is in therapy with a good therapist who can work with her thru her past issues.

YOU can't be her all in all--I know, my H tried and it nearly broke our marriage and ruined his life.

thru counseling we learned how to be a healthy couple and distinguish between co-dependancy and love and how to get our needs met and meet each others needs while still maintaining our own integrity.

I commend you for being there for her.
I think it is wonderful for you to help her as much as you do and can--
but at the same time, i have concern for your well being.......

[mismis]

I do the same to my husband and I feel horrible!! I just started counseling because I said enough was enough! He stand behind me 100% and he is a loving caring husband just as you are. If she is not in therapy maybe when she feels good or after an out burst you can offer to bring her and be there with her even if you don't go in the room with her you can wait for her...let her decide..some thing she may not feel comfortable talking about in front of you. Also finding the right therapist is the key also. If she doesn't like it suggest to try another till she is comfortable.
Good luck and keep loving her she needs it!

[reg12]

Have patience. Do not rush her. Learn to talk to her, but listen more than talk.

[WePow]

White Iris just gave wonderful advice. You do have to stay healthy and sane yourself if you want to be able to be there for her. Your love is wonderful and it will be her rock. Even if she can't tell you how much that rock means to her, it will be what allows her to heal. Someone who has been hurt so badly by another human will act like a person in a life raft on the sea. They are in shock and think that the raft is also going to sink before they are CERTAIN they are on solid ground. That certainty is something that can only come with time. Until then, just hold true and she will continue to be thankful that the raft is there as she heals.

[o784951]

Today I thought we were going so well. She told me on the phone that she feels like I am hiding something from her. For the life of me I have no idea what she is talking about. She gets these "Feelings" and I am in the dog house until she finds something to knit pick on, or gives it up...is paranoia normal in cases of PTSD? Are they always accusing you of doing things, or hiding stuff? I usually just ride it out, but it does get tiring though...it is like she is looking for something to complain about, and when things get going good, I guess it is too much for her...when it is all peaceful and quiet, then something has to be wrong...right? That is what she thinks...

[reg12]

Yes paranoia can be a symptom. "Feelings" can be from flashbacks and memories, but there may be more too this also. Now is where you have to listen. Look for patterns or trends. Now when she is calm bring it up gently that you have noticed that she has feelings. Ask her to explain. Do not challenge her about this. Peace and quiet allows the brain to think. When someone is troubled by past then it can be a time for memories. So they can go from calm to something is wrong very quickly.

[o784951]

I need to give a little background here, when my wife and I met last year, it was truly love at first sight, it was like nothing I had ever experienced before...we started dating exclusively. I messed up and cheated on her, then she had one of her feelings, and I kept on denying what I had done, but eventually, I admitted it. Her reaction almost killed her. It scared me. Then several months later she got another feeling and I had to finally admit to staying in phone contact with my ex, her reaction was very bad again. Now she said she has this feeling again, and it is scaring me, because now I have no idea what I have done, and what kind of reaction she is going to have to it. I have not cheated, I have not been in contact with my ex. I have work hard to keep on the staight and narrow with her. I have my own psychological problems I am dealing with, I am afraid of being alone, I am afraid of failing, I am afraid I am not going to be good enough, or strong enough. I am insecure a lot. Every time she has had one of these feelings it ended up going very bad. She read my forum post and resented the word paranoia...I used the wrong term...she does have justification, given the past things she uncovered, but this time I really don't know what I have done wrong. I have delved into everything I have done, and I have hidden nothing from her. I truly love her. Now I feel this pending comfrontation about something, and I have no idea what it is. I am being very open and honest here, because really you guys have no idea who I am, and who my wife is. She is very sensitive to my changing moods and feelings. Lately, I have felt overwhelmed by the weight of making everything perfect in her life, so her past nightmares aren't triggered by anything in the present. But, yesterday I realized that no matter how much I try to make everything perfect that I can't change what someone did to her in her past, I can't change the pain she goes through every day, I can't stop the memories, I can't control when or if she thinks about the bad things. I realized that I am powerless to stop anything that she is going through. I wanted to make everything right in her life, I wanted her recovery to be quick...but that is unrealistic. I can't walk through her pain for her, I can't carry her through. All I can do is be there for her when she does need me. I feel helpless, I want to fix the problems and make them all better. I am having to come to grips with the fact that there is nothing I can do, except just love her. She is the most strongest person I have ever met in my life, and she is the first person I have ever had in my life that I can truly say, loves me. I hurt when she is going through her past nightmares, in the past I have tried to get her mind off of them, distract her, control how much she was going to go into them... What I have realized now is that I don't have control over that part of her life. Today the overwhelming sense is a lot less, I am allowing her to walk through her recovery at her own pace, being there every step of the way, supporting her when SHE asks for it, and just loving her. That is all I can do. I hope it will be enough.

You are doing the right thing. I still suggest counceling.Couple, individual--whatever. You have issues, she has issues--As she goes thru her recovery, you have to work thru yours. Like I said before, You are a wonderful husband and are really doing the best you can and it all sounds like the right stuff----
having an outside listening ear, besides posting here, helps soooo much.
these are just my thoughts--you have to choose the path for yourself, as your wife needs to choose the path right for her.
Keep us posted.
I really admire your devotion to her and to your marriage.

[phoenix7]

you have been given some very good advice PTSD coupled with abuse issues and trust issues makes for a hard task master - you have given her reasin in the past to mistrust so when the insecurity part oof pTSD rises it will be stronger - I am in no way saying you are doing anything wrong now

you seem to me to kind and compassionate and caring and desperate to help her - to get her through this and out the other end - well PTSD is a pain in the asteroids! it takes you from 0 to out of control in 2 seconds -

when things are going well you get that feeling that you are waiting for the other shoe to drop... its scary if you feel good - you know the bad will come back and somtimes you make it come back just cos you cant stand the waiting.....

I have seen 4 psychologists the first one was ok - but no help - the 2nd one was complete crap and probably needed a whole lot of therapy himself lol - the third was brilliant - absolutely brilliant but he wa sick and i could only see him for 8 visits cos it was under my insurance - the fourth was good but we just kept getting stopped in our tracks ....... she helped me a lot though - so luckily the 3rd one agreed to see me as a private patient and reduced his fees and he is great!!! I am so lucky to have him.

I tried healing on my own first - it didnt work - i tried it again after seeing the idiot 2nd guy but it stil didint work - i needed help and most people do and the point of that very long and boring story lol was to let you know that you ahve to find the right therapist - and if they turn out to be not the right fit - try again - you BOTH need help - you have said that yourself - please find some help - this is hard enough to get through wiht help ..... pleas dont go it alone

and talk here whenever you need to or want to - we're here to listen and help if we can - we help eachother - thats what PC is all about

[o784951]

Good morning everyone, I can't write here any more, it caused some problems. Thank-you for all your advice, I will try it.

[phoenix7]

im sorry it caused probs for you - i hope you both find some support from a T -

i wihs you both well

and am here if either you or your wife needs to talk about this or ask questions

take care P7