[Catherine2]

YMMV is something I’ve heard usually in connection with results/side effects of medication.
Examples; How long did it take for it to work for you? What side effects did you have?
And we are told, your mileage may vary. Simply put, all of us react differently but don’t be afraid to try it. It may be the key you have been looking for…

Isn’t it true of many things, though? Our paths of healing are our own. What worked for others may not work for us. What worked for us may not do a darn thing for someone else.
Again--we walk solitary paths, but they are parallel to others. We are not alone in our travels, period. A stumble? Hands reach out to steady us. Detours? Quite all right…no one can sustain walking the straight and narrow all the time. Who wants to do that anyway? Be grimfaced and stoic in our determination to rid ourselves of emotional pain and loneliness Some of those detours are the best things that can happen to us…strips us of things that were not working for us, forcing us to look for other ways, and perhaps people who will give us encouragement of a different kind.

YMMV is also another way of very clearly saying;
Comparisons are useless and somewhat dangerous to us. Someone will always be ahead of us, someone will always be behind us.
And
We are judging someone’s outward appearance when in reality they may be hurting as badly as we are…when we look at them, we feel that they have everything together. They may be doing the exact same thing…
So we shy away from each other, thinking we are somehow less. In doing so, we are depriving ourselves of the lessons each of us have to offer one another.

Tread lightly, though.
We cannot get so entangled with another person’s pain that we forget to take care of ourselves.
Caretaking is a trait that is extremely well developed in most of us. It is also one of the most difficult to let go of…caretaking can make us feel needed, but it can also keep us from paying attention to our own needs.
Balancing it?
Foreign words to many of us. It’s either/or, there is no separation of taking care of ourselves and doing it for others.
Others will always come first if we allow it.
We can help, but we should not stand in the way of someone taking responsibility for themselves.
No one should stand in our way, either.

One last thought;
We are in the right place at the right time for the right reasons that may never be revealed to us…don’t waste time trying to figure it out. Most likely the knowledge of it may be the byproduct of putting one foot in front of the other, and not looking back.

In Peace

jmo, of course

[Yoda]

Catherine2, you are so wise and well spoken. I am so glad our paths have crossed. You have helped me with my trials and I appreciate that deeply. I think you should write a book to guide and support those of us who are struggling to find their way through the world.

You are awesome!

[reg12]

Hello. Nice to hear from you again. Very good thread. I found a couple of pieces from your work so meaninful.
"We are not alone in our travels, period. A stumble? Hands reach out to steady us."
"So we shy away from each other, thinking we are somehow less. In doing so, we are depriving ourselves of the lessons each of us have to offer one another."
"One last thought;
We are in the right place at the right time for the right reasons that may never be revealed to us…don’t waste time trying to figure it out."

Thanks for your thread.

Thank you Catherine for the very wise words. Really hit home with me......
I'm glad you started another thread.
More later when I am more awake LOL

[VickiesPath]

Girl!!! Was you trippin' when you wrote that??? Man.....



Seriously, very nice. Thank you.

[Catherine2]

...thank you
but
My words are what I've gleaned over the years, most said in encouragement, some in a mean-spirited way.
I learned from both...at times, I learned more from the mean ones. Not that I wanted to! It did revive a KA attitude, and that helped me tremendously.

Repeating this but I have to remind myself of this, especially when I'm looking for the crack that lets the light in...
We are teachers, we are students
We are leaders, we are followers
We are not beneath others, we are not above them
We give support, we ask for support
We are talkers, we are listeners

I could not do this without all of you...
Y'all are the best companions on this wild ride of healing.
Thank You!

In Peace

May I add something about dependancy?
Part of my healing journey has been working on unhealthy dependancies...could be called co-dependancies perhaps? tho, some of it
is plain being dependent.
dependent on the availability of someone else to take care of, problem solve, parent, be available, exclusive, say the "right thing" (which of course is what i want to hear LOL)
It has been difficult to walk the parallel path with others, not the same path with someone in the hopes of gaining some kind of attention even if it is "shadow" attention or left over crumbs--attention by association?

sometimes it is possible to be both the care-giver and the care-ee in unhealthy ways. Learning more healthy ones

or completely with draw from either of the two and become isolated out of fear of "messing up" a relationship, situation, someone elses life---mine doesn't count, that's messed up already.

i struggle with all of this and all of what was posted by Catherine.
It's LEARNING-- or RE-learning what was never taught or shown as how to how to interact with ppl.

so, here is our learning ground.
Here is our Dance School--learning the dance of life that was never learned. scary as hell, as I have two left feet. but so amazing when i finally learn a new step and can get in sinque with the other dancers.

Just my thoughts

[Catherine2]

white_iris,
Thank you...I really appreciate your input on co-dependency.

Honestly? You said it in a nicer way than I would have
Sometimes I am blunt, NSS, but I ended up thinking of co-dependency as one helluva mess.
My own experience was the feeling that I was drowning in everyone else's problems, but also feeling lost.
And I was lost
There were no boundaries between me and others. Tangled up, didn't know where I started/ended, felt like I was a brown MM compared to the brighter colors in the candy bag...contrary to the commercial, they do melt and they do become a sticky mess.

"learning ground"
I like that thought. When we put on the brakes because it's become a bit painful is when we stagnate. We either learn that we will and do survive these rough times, or we get stuck in woe-is-me.

Learning The Dance was something I fought for a very long time. I was comfortable doing my little two step, but I was being invited to waltz; I learned to waltz and now I'm learning Hip-Hop (now that's a visual! )
But it feels good! Knowing more has given me such good feelings. Direction, for one.
I'm the type of person who wanders from her elbow to her *** then on to my ear, the intended place. The scenic route in some ways; walking blindly at other times.

Another one of my favorite says;
"Choose your battles. Narrowing your focus conserves energy for the things that really matter..." ~~unknown~~
I have wasted so much energy on piddly things! Ignorance or intention? Probably a bit of both...I would quite easily lie to myself so I didn't have to figure out what those things were...

In Peace

[reg12]

So you are the one that left the big, brown, sticky mess at the bottom of the bag of candy. Seriously I like your very thoughtful and blunt style.

Sometimes we have to think of ourselves first. Yes i know it feels terrible, but always put on your oxygen mask first before helping others with their's. Take care.

--so THAT's what the little card in the airplane seat pocket means

The taking care of self first---what a novel and very good idea and i will as soon as I help this person and that one.....
seriously, i have a tough time distinquishing between "neediness" and "getting help/self care"......i turn on the "energizer Bunny" and keep on going and going and going in the opposite direction from taking care of myself.

sometimes i know what i need.
sometimes i THINK i know
other times i have no clue and freeze in place and wait for "all the kings men" who never do show up after all.

Learning the Hip-Hop is not even on the horizon. I can't even get the two step right.
I'm glad the analogy isn't swimming because i have long since drowned...
Have you seen "dancing with the stars"--they look great on the floor but the practice sessions are Hell!!!!! That's me on the floor with a broken foot being stepped on and too dumb to realize that it's got to be taken care of.......so i keep trying to dance and can't figure out why in the world i can't move.....

sorry, hanging onto the side of ledge right now and can't see above me or below me and someone is saying "let go, i got ya!!!!" HA HA heard that voice before and i've fallen........

[Catherine2]

Originally Posted by white_iris

sorry, hanging onto the side of ledge right now and can't see above me or below me and someone is saying "let go, i got ya!!!!" HA HA heard that voice before and i've fallen........

ok...let go anyway. I'm not going to tell you that I'll catch you. I will tell you I'll lay down there with you, look for the crack letting in the light, and say, "Damn but that was an itch with a capital B of a fall."
Like the saying about a good friend will bail you out of jail, but the best friend is sitting in the cell with you laughing at the fun ya just had...
You've got lots of best friends here, white_iris.

In Peace

[Catherine2]

Trigger icon 'cause I'm not a mind reader and don't know how you are feeling...But You Do.

Last night I was very tired; my back is better, my daughter's flank pain is from kidney stones--ouch!
Headed for the couch to rest a bit and decided to watch the telly; Criminal Minds. I don't usually watch it because I worked the forensic unit for years.
Started creeping me out when it started into the childhood trauma of the killer. When I heard the line, "...and they made him bury the bodies" I was off that couch in a NY minute and on the patio heaving.
Short flashback of my classmate's vacant eyes, I did not leave the present, but I sure visited the past.
Visit.
I didn't take up residence in the past/flashback.

No, I did not watch the ending. I'm no fool...well sometimes I am
but I was not last night by thinking I had to be Brave and Strong and try to say FO to any demons.
Were the demons there? No.
Did I square my shoulders with determination to face them? No
Did it catch me by surprise? Oh yeah...
Knock me down? No.

Kinda nice to know where I was, why, and shake it off.
If there's a next time, it may be different but this time it was really, really nice to stay in the present and know
I Was and Will Continue To Be All right.

In Peace

[reg12]

I am glad your back is feeling somewhat better and they found out what is wrong with your daughter. I wish the both of you a speedy recovery. Sorry to hear about you being triggered. I am glad you were able to stay in the present and only had a visit. I am glad to hear you are all right. Be proud of yourself for that.

[Yoda]

I learned self care first when I was trained as a paramedic. The first thing you do when you arrive on scene is assess for hazards. If a vehicle is on it's side and unstable you cannot enter it to rescue until it is stablized so you are safe.

off topic - momentarily my "a" key is working
as the Fonz would say, "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA"

Carry on.

Yod@, how fun!!!!
I just bought a new keyboard b'cuz my space bar went dead and using_dashes_between_words_ was_getting stupid!!!!!

[Yoda]

Originally Posted by white_iris

Yod@, how fun!!!!
I just bought a new keyboard b'cuz my space bar went dead and using_dashes_between_words_ was_getting stupid!!!!!

Then you c@n rel@te to my issue...

We h@ve @n extern@l keybo@rd th@t I use if I need it to look profession@l like when I em@iled the RN bo@rd @ question.But it is uncomfort@ble with the l@ptop so I @void it. H@d @ meeting with school people yesterd@y @bout my son's dis@bility & such & I told them the issue so they won't think I @m loco when they re@d my Em@ils (Pretty sure the new princip@l thinks I @m loco bec@use I met with him five times in the first three weeks of school bouncing off the w@lls in his office to @dvoc@te for my son. He s@id something I thought not right (@nd he w@sn't) so I t@lked to two folks @t the Bo@rd of Educ@tion & one offered to phone him & correct his misunderst@nding. He doesn't h@ve the power to @uthorize p@rt of my request to do wh@t they @re obliged to @lre@dy do!!!! so I will be seeing the superintendent (@g@in)!

I so very much w@nt @nother computer @fter Microsoft rel@ses their new OS soon & then give them @ bit to work the bugs out. I refuse to buy Vist@. Cr@p. I hope the new OS is better.

My son & I sh@re one l@ptop & he does some of his cl@sses on their new online progr@m. We h@ve de@d computers sc@ttered throughout the house. His most recent PC died & he m@y be @ble to reinst@ll the OS but we don't know why it died so dunno. My other semi-working computer is Windows 95. I need @ new mouse & keybo@rd for it & could then use it for word processing b@sic@lly & to run one cooking progr@m th@t is h@ndy but might be h@rd to find stuff comp@tible with PC th@t old. M@ybe eb@y? Th@t computer is not comp@tible with high speed internet though. Bummer.

Somebody posted in @ thre@d th@t she w@nted to re@d wh@t I h@d written but got frustr@ted & didn't. She deleted it but I re@d it when it w@s em@iled to me so I thought m@ybe people think I @m purposely doing this. Thus my discl@imer w@s born. Did you like wh@t I wrote? I tried to instill my humor & person@lity. (Like I could @void showing how eccentric I @m). I know some folks prob@bly think I @m loco but ehhhhh. I don't w@nt to be @ver@ge. I like being odd.

I tell you wh@t this post is @ pretty good represent@tion of my @DHD. My mind just flo@ts from one thought to @nother & it is quite @pp@rent, I @m cert@in.

Do y@ still love me even though I @m str@nge? LOL

Yoda--I had no trouble reading your post---but then again, I am used to things like that--my son was always writing in some kind of code or other---yeah, i still love ya!!!! I think you are pretty smart to be able to compensate for lack of a letter.
We also have a "dead computer central"---somehow can't get rid of the things. Son says that he may need the parts some day so they stay here while he and his wife reside (with working, up to date, new and improved, always upgraded computers) in NC. We on the other hand have keyboards that are homeless, monitors that are disconnected, and other lost and discarded parts and pieces...Remember Star Wars and the one part where all the robots were junked?????
Wonder if anything can be used for flower pots??????? Hmmmmmm

Originally Posted by Catherine2

ok...let go anyway. I'm not going to tell you that I'll catch you. I will tell you I'll lay down there with you, look for the crack letting in the light, and say, "Damn but that was an itch with a capital B of a fall."
Like the saying about a good friend will bail you out of jail, but the best friend is sitting in the cell with you laughing at the fun ya just had...
You've got lots of best friends here, white_iris.

In Peace

Found a bit of a ledge and i'm resting here a bit. had a tough T session yesterday and for a bit of time thought that T was going to say that I needed another "rest" in the hospital.....and if she had, i probly wouldn't have disagreed. today i am exhausted and numb. she agreed to back off for now with looking at this dark side and my task is to leave the frightened, terrified child in the dark and move toward the light myself. she will come when she is ready (says T and H--who was at the T session). That in itself is tearing me apart. Leave the child inside and take care of me (save me?).
I'm a mom---i would never leave a frightened child.
It causes me to freeze and feel like it is a no win choice.
Tho I know that I need to take care of me before I can care for this frightened part of me.
Feel like curling in a ball---
Why is it so easy for those on the outside to say "this is what you need to do......" when they have no idea what doing it entails?

Or maybe I am just making excuses for my own lack of movement.
In my "sick" mind, hospital looks good.
In my "healthy" mind NO WAY...
so i am frozen on this narrow ledge. I won't talk to T or H about it. I will bring out the "everything is fine" face. Lie thru my teeth that I am doing what was told i need to do......what the helll, good at faking, good at not showing the real me anyway......

sorry---this is way too much.....

[Fuzzybear]

We aren't here to judge whether someone else is moving or not
I'm not anyway
(((((( white iris ))))))
sorry things are so hard
hugs and love

ps actually it does sound to me like you're moving, wish I had some helpful words
(like others here do)

[phoenix7]

Originally Posted by white_iris

seriously, i have a tough time distinquishing between "neediness" and "getting help/self care"......i turn on the "energizer Bunny" and keep on going and going and going in the opposite direction from taking care of myself.

yes and most of us hate to think we are needy - needs ? me ? never you must mean that other person over there ...hmm they have needs - hey let me through - im gonna help - just watch out in case i drop the other 10 balls im juggling lol

sometimes i know what i need.
sometimes i THINK i know
other times i have no clue and freeze in place and wait for "all the kings men" who never do show up after all.

and sometimes others try to help us and let us know what we need and then we get cranky and argue...hmm i mean discuss lol and the annoying thing is they are often right - i finr the more i fight against somene telling me i need something - like rest when i have the flu lol he more they are right! if i see immediatre resistance - (after the steam has stopped coming out of my ears lol) i try to go back and see if there was somthing in what they said that could possibly ...maybe...perhaps...have been a tiny..small but ....hmmmm whats the word ......oh yes! right grrr.

Waiting for all the kings men.......yes - sometimes you just hold on hard to the side of the cliff and hope it doesnt rain

sorry, hanging onto the side of ledge right now and can't see above me or below me and someone is saying "let go, i got ya!!!!" HA HA heard that voice before and i've fallen........

throwing down a rope for you from a helicopter you can see - so you know that the rescue is available and ready... or cutting a series of steps so you can step down yourself..... take your pick

******************By the way i prob should have noticed there was a page ...cant remember lol 2? and read that before i posted - oops! confused? no - well stick with me baby! I'll soon fix that!!!! **********************************

[billieJ]

Oh, Catherine, you are good. You are so inspiring and talented in your writing. I don't just say words, I say feelings. You help me. billieJ

[phoenix7]

(((((((((((((((((((((((Fuzzybear))))))))))))))))))))))) you amaze me wiht your growth - since i have known you here at PC i have seen HUGE progress with yu - dont sell yourself short my friend you are doing good work

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Catherine2))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

sorry your daughter is not well - kidney stones suck i hope they can blast them or they just pass - fingers crossed.

I am glad your back is better - i am glad you switched off the TV and that you took care of yourelf - you knew what the trigger was and you weathered it and got through it YAY FOR YOU !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!- your posts always provoke thoughtful replies and id like to thank you for the post and everyone for their replies - take care P7

[Yoda]

Originally Posted by white_iris

sorry, hanging onto the side of ledge right now and can't see above me or below me and someone is saying "let go, i got ya!!!!"

L@ughing with you, not @t you...

[Catherine2]

Originally Posted by billieJ

Oh, Catherine, you are good. You are so inspiring and talented in your writing. I don't just say words, I say feelings. You help me. billieJ

billiej, thank you
but I just put into words what many others, including PC members, have shared with me.

I'm glad that something in those words are of help to you...

In Peace

[Catherine2]

As usual, I've been playing in left field while the ballgame was being played...picking daisies and talking with Ferdinand, saying Wow! what a spin on that homer flying over my head...then looking at the magnificent blue butterflies...
Can ya tell I am easily distracted?

At the same time, my thoughts were simmering and finally made a damn good soup...I blogged about it a bit but wanted to share it here.
I hope no one minds when strange things come out of my stranger mind...and, yes, I know and accept that my mind travels all over the place.
I'm a seasoned traveler when it comes to pulling something out of an ordinary event.

Sitting on my patio watching the rain gently cleanse the leaves of the trees...how pretty they were, how shining and fresh...such a simple but taken for granted event.
It made me think about the dust I've been carrying around in my heart these past few weeks. Now one or two particles are not going to bend me; make it 56,009 of them and yep, I'm feeling the effects.

Those particles on my spirit? Little things I've been ignoring because I didn't think they were important enough to warrant my attention.
Well, they were since they bit my butt...big time 'cause I have a big butt.

Recently, I've been focusing on The Big Picture, the arrival at some magical place of Peace/Healing/Wisdom (oh, gag me with a spoon...or something like that?)

What about the little things that are right in my life?
The bits and pieces of peace that I've been blind to, discounted their importance...when in fact they are very, very important.
They have allowed me to get through many a 24 hours...

Jmo, but I need to be grateful for these bits and pieces. They hold me together, give me slivers of hope, tiny joys that light up my life.
If I am intent only on wearing myself out with determination that I Will Overcome, Be Well, Etc.
...how much I am missing.

After a few years of therapy, we were able to identify things, and a few people, that helped me survive those years of CSA.
As my therapist pointed out to me, there was something that kept me going, gave me some little presents that renewed my will to get through it.

Trigger Trigger Trigger...bypass if you are feeling...well you know your feelings; Honor Them.

Wild strawberries to eat when I was so hungry after not being fed...made to sleep outside because I was a bad little girl again, the dogs laid with me and warmed my body...locked in the cellar is when I made "friends" with the old washing machine and wedged myself between her and the wall and felt protected; that old machine to me was a jolly, round old lady that hid me...
I've no love of the penguins of those days...but Sister Mary Leonard, seemingly harsh and demanding, gave me the gift of loving music, especially classical music...I was enthralled when she swung back and forth with her eyes closed while she listened to the masters, then telling me off you go! I'll be back on whatever day of the week she was the music teacher...this woman never mentioned the bruising but would quickly but gently wipe off any dried blood with the prettiest white handkerchief...the one she gave to me and I still have it in my treasure box.

So, you see I was not alone in some ways. There were things/people who silently gave me enough love to make it one more day...
One More Day.

I no longer want to be ignorant of what there is in my life that is giving me enough love and power to get through my days.
When I am being battered by any number of things, there must be a part of my heart/spirit that looks for these tiny gifts.
It ain't all gonna be Huge Steps, Giant Leaps, Mother Teresa's Replacement, or The Ringleader of The Big Top...
it is going to be
an inch here, a foot there (preferably not in my mouth)
a song to bring out the boogie
taste of a new thing...last one was a lime with salt

oh my tiny trapeze artist; the little chickadee who lands on the line to the bird feeder, swings down and hangs upside down until he is ready to eat...wind blowing? he hangs on and swings back and forth
There is a lesson in his actions. One I am just learning...

Sometimes ya just gotta ride out the wild ride.
Scary? Yeah, I'd say so.
Make me say OS seventeen times? No, more like 52 million times...hey, at least I can count that high.
And sometimes counting that high takes my mind off things long enough to stop their scratching at me

The PC community has become one of those places that almost always offers me a safe place.
Enough caring and encouragement to get through another 24...giving, getting and not alway because I post. I've learned much from reading and learning from what is shared.

I don't want to take any of these bits and pieces of peace and waste them, ignore them, or shrug off their contribution to my emotional well being.

Isn't it a song, "Little Things Mean A Lot?"
Maybe I should make that a mantra of sorts and garner those little things and enjoy them?

In Peace, In Peace