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#1
Oct 11, 2009, 07:44 PM
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Over the last few weeks I have been struggling with intolerable anxiety. I have nt had anxiety like this since my early 20's, I remember now how bad it would get.
Recently I have been having a difficult time focusing at work and stressing about therapy and what the next meet with T will bring, I know progress is being made (slow progress) but peace is no where to be found. As we get more into T I am finding that maybe I am not the person I have lead on to be all these years. I mean I am who I am but I see me as strong and I can tackle anything, and that is the persona I put out there. But now I am hear, broken down, burnt out, tired as all heck, and well a little freaked out. questions like "what do you do to enjoy life" are asked and I have nothing to say and it angers me and frustrates me and I say this is not me this is not who I am....I look back in my past and see someone different ... but some of the same. Independent....strong willed....cant be stopped... now I see someone different, still with these qualities but not as strong, much more broken and worn down. Also the anxiety is crazy, I have a new PDOC who prescribed zoloft and has me cont w.prestiq since Ive been on that for last 6 mos, also I take lorazapam for anxiety (not to good abt taking this one) but I was a wreck this week and so I have made some adjustments and am hoping they work. My T seems so concerned about me, I am not sure how to respond when he responds to my call for help. I mean I need his input and I need him to push me and I need him to recognize stuff when I dont - especially if I am really anxious. It kinda blows my mind the he is there helping. It may sound wierd but I find it to be alien to me or not familiar. I am not accustomed to having someone there to follow through, respond, or give me direction. I cant beleive I have someone on my side. I am still absorbing it. Yeah I have friends, but always at a distance...walls will do that. hmm, it is good, and I got to allow myself feel good about having someone in my corner on my side. I wonder if anyone else has felt this way -realizing there is a person looking out for your best interest?! My concerns for the week are based off the last few where I have been riddled w/anxiety and completely knotted up, unfocused, difficulty getting things done, aggitated, stressed out... just a mess. This weekend I took some steps to help me relax...long long walk Sat and Sund, also cleaned a little each day - Fri, Sat, Sun....also slept few hrs Sat ... slept in Sunday ....cooked a lot for the week. I had been talking with T about how I wake up constantly thru the night in a frightened panic or a startled jump...5+ times per nite...very tired, he asked more abt it and concerned about lack of sleep....sz this could be why I am anxious...I am hoping not to be so stressed out this week. I need to stay away from those who trigger,,,,pretty much the whole family....no hounding calls or knocks on the door without notice....so glad  I am glad I have stopped talking to my parents and now I am at the point where I dont care if I talk to my brothers again. Its just a package deal,,,to talk to the bros there is talk to the monsters.....It just cant happen. I am relieved that they did not call or stop in and hound me for anything. No calls from the bro's either ...it is a good weekend. I guess I just want to be at peace this week... I want to know its OK I dont have to take care of everybody and I dont need to be perfect. I got to remind me that I am strong and a survivor and just breathe and relax and dont let anyone intrude on my space unless invited .... right.
__________________
10-2009  A trademark of Sunny:P-productions.....sharing with the world....everybody wants to be in the sunshine! Dont they? __________________ Wish I WERE somewhere sunny.... Sunny :P  
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#2
Oct 11, 2009, 08:14 PM
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I hope you find that peace this week. Keep us posted. Take care.
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 SUNNY2009
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#3
Oct 11, 2009, 09:12 PM
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Hi Sunny, looking at yourself closely in therapy can cause some anxiety, especially when you realize that you need to bring stuff up that you would rather forget.
Your description of your family bothering you sounds very anxiety provoking. It is okay to have a weaker side. We all have both a strong side and a weaker side. When you grow up in an abusive family you just want to forget this "weaker" side but it is important when you are in a healthy environment. Do you think that allowing your T to be concerned about you/get closer to you scares you a bit because you have this big thick wall up for protection and it is scary to let anyone beyond this? Quote:
__________________
Don't let your problems or the world make you feel small. Stretch your arms out over your head. Take a deep breathe. Tell yourself that you are big. You are big, not small. You always have space, you are not trapped........ I'm an ISFJ |
| SUNNY2009
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#4
Oct 12, 2009, 07:24 AM
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Quote:
So far so good...only Mon morning but I feel rested so I think that will help a lot.
__________________
10-2009 A trademark of Sunny:P-productions.....sharing with the world....everybody wants to be in the sunshine! Dont they? __________________ Wish I WERE somewhere sunny.... Sunny :P
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#5
Oct 12, 2009, 07:32 AM
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Quote:
I guess the weaker side is tough to let in, I think for many years I have had to be strong and in a defensive position. So seeing a weaker side of me is definitely scary. I guess I am afraid of what comes in when I am weak. Your comment on T getting closer is prob head on....I usually push people back by now and especially if they are a guy. I can get so close to people but then back off....totally just say "ok thats far enough. Dont come any closer or I will never be able to talk to you again" Definitely a scary situation, though I dont want to push him back (thank God) I want his help. Strange that I have not gotten to this point with him...I am glad ... but maybe that is why I am so anxious too. Thanks...I hope you ahve a great day
__________________
10-2009 A trademark of Sunny:P-productions.....sharing with the world....everybody wants to be in the sunshine! Dont they? __________________ Wish I WERE somewhere sunny.... Sunny :P
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#6
Oct 12, 2009, 09:02 AM
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Quote:
__________________
Don't let your problems or the world make you feel small. Stretch your arms out over your head. Take a deep breathe. Tell yourself that you are big. You are big, not small. You always have space, you are not trapped........ I'm an ISFJ |
| SUNNY2009
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#7
Oct 12, 2009, 09:05 AM
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SUNNY
Sound like you are working in therapy. That's good and it's also scary and anxiety producing. My opinion is that it is normal to feel like this. It also sounds like you are taking care of yourself....you ARE allowed to do that!! I have found that hard to accept sometimes......It's ok to take a day and "crash" or do something for myself or whatever....I'm glad you found a T who is concerned about your well being and is working with you, pushing you a bit, and there for you. You also have the right and responsibility to let him know if he is pushing too fast or too hard. It's important that you let him know. Focus on today and just today. Tomorrow will be here soon enough. One trick for me has been to write down all the thoughts that make me anxious about tomorrow or the next week or whatever on index cards and to put them in a box to deal with later--the next day or with T--Trick is DON'T look in the box until AFTER and then see how much of those things I worried about or were anxious about really were something to be anxious about. For me, I soon realized that most of those things were not worth the energy....... Just a thought.
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| Sannah, SUNNY2009
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#8
Oct 12, 2009, 04:49 PM
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Its nice to hear you are doing ok. Keep it going. One good day is great. Be sure to notice the good days and pat your self on the back. Each good day is another step up out of that hole.
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| SUNNY2009
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#9
Oct 13, 2009, 02:37 PM
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I am back to feeling anxious already. All day I can feel my body in a state of panic. Numbness throughout and its making me crazy! I hate it. I have called the PDOC office 3 times looking for a call back.....holding on til then.
__________________
10-2009 A trademark of Sunny:P-productions.....sharing with the world....everybody wants to be in the sunshine! Dont they? __________________ Wish I WERE somewhere sunny.... Sunny :P
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#10
Oct 13, 2009, 03:11 PM
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 Did anything happen today to trigger you?
__________________
Don't let your problems or the world make you feel small. Stretch your arms out over your head. Take a deep breathe. Tell yourself that you are big. You are big, not small. You always have space, you are not trapped........ I'm an ISFJ |
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#11
Oct 13, 2009, 05:06 PM
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I am leaving work now...gonna go for a walk and try to get it out of my system -- usually it will move out through my fingers ....arghhhhh! hate it so much.... Sorry you had to listen...I just feel crappy  Thanks a bunch though
__________________
10-2009 A trademark of Sunny:P-productions.....sharing with the world....everybody wants to be in the sunshine! Dont they? __________________ Wish I WERE somewhere sunny.... Sunny :P
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#12
Oct 13, 2009, 05:29 PM
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Hey come on here and vent if needed. We do not mind at all. I helps to talk some times. We don't mind crappy. Most of us get like that at times.
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| SUNNY2009
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#13
Oct 14, 2009, 07:25 AM
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We come here to help and listen!!!! Keep talking.............
__________________
Don't let your problems or the world make you feel small. Stretch your arms out over your head. Take a deep breathe. Tell yourself that you are big. You are big, not small. You always have space, you are not trapped........ I'm an ISFJ |
| SUNNY2009
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#14
Oct 14, 2009, 07:42 AM
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Cut my hours down a little - rather than working 8am - 8pm Mon/Weds ... now I am forcing myself to 10am-8pm ... got to take a step back and relax a bit. I think I just need to change my habit of throwing myself into work to avoid stuff. It doesnt work so well when your in therapy at the same time, lol.
Someday I want to look back and see the changes I am making and recognize the difference they have/will make. I want to be able to see that I am enjoying my life and doing things like I once did. Traveling with people, not alone, doing stuff, having experiences that I can remember and feel good about. So I think changing my work habit of to many hours is a good place to start! Hopefully I wont struggle so much with anxiety today. Thanks I hope you have a great day
__________________
10-2009 A trademark of Sunny:P-productions.....sharing with the world....everybody wants to be in the sunshine! Dont they? __________________ Wish I WERE somewhere sunny.... Sunny :P
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#15
Oct 14, 2009, 11:32 AM
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Very good self care Sunny! You will be able to look back and see how far you have come if you keep working on this!
__________________
Don't let your problems or the world make you feel small. Stretch your arms out over your head. Take a deep breathe. Tell yourself that you are big. You are big, not small. You always have space, you are not trapped........ I'm an ISFJ |
| SUNNY2009
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#16
Oct 14, 2009, 02:48 PM
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((((((((((((((((Sunny)))))))))))))))))
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| SUNNY2009
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#17
Oct 14, 2009, 05:38 PM
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My stomach is in knots I have anxiety thru the roof.
it started last week,,,,Last Friday my T called my PDOC and expressed concern, seeking 4 them 2 f/u w/ me 2 advise me on the current meds & the change prescribed earlier in the week. I had received 2 messages from the Nurse pract. w/2 different directions on what to take?! I used common sense and worked it out the best I could til Tues. I tried calling in & left 2 messages yesterday looking 4 clarification, as well as a prescript 2 b called in. No call returned. I called this afternoon in the hopes of getting thru, again the sec says she will pass it on & has w/the prev messages its been really busy. Still nothing. Luckily I called my reg doc (while waiting) this is who usually calls my anxiety meds in, but based on the messgs left from PDOC office last FRI I could call it in thru them ...... good thing I had a backup plan.... I checked w/the Pharmacy & conf my reg doc called in the med. I have only seen this PDOC once...but this is not a good sign. Not that I have ever been in this position before where I had 2 call 4 a prescript but I have no anxiety med left & because I have been struggling so much, I made it clear 2 the PDOC office. I am trying not 2 let it bother me but it does.....grrr. Never heard back from them again... this cant b normal. Also I am at work and I have 2 Supervisors who work for me, and both come to me for everything - stuff they should know - stuff I know they R capable of doing - I feel like they R lazy & they know I will end up doing it myself - now I am putting together a ref guide so i dont have 2 keep repeating myself constantly everyday, the same info over & over & over.... Aggravating.... I am jeeped up 4 sure! my mind is racing and I am really wishing I could calm down. I hate when I can feel my nerves tensed up all over, especially my arms and shoulders ... and my legs moving around when I am tense..... got 2 go 4 a short walk I think and try 2 work it out of my body .... Stressed out - wish I wasnt feeling this way,... lately it has been like this and I am really trying to not let it rule me! waah! WAAH! WAAH! LOL! Just had to get it out of my system!
__________________
10-2009 A trademark of Sunny:P-productions.....sharing with the world....everybody wants to be in the sunshine! Dont they? __________________ Wish I WERE somewhere sunny.... Sunny :P
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#18
Oct 14, 2009, 06:21 PM
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Quote:
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| SUNNY2009
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#19
Oct 14, 2009, 08:37 PM
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Sunny, there is a relaxation exercise that you can do. Lay on the floor and tighten then relax your muscles a few times. Then focus on your feet. Tell them to relax, then your ankles. Work your way up until your whole body is relaxed. After you have relaxed everything just lay there for a few minutes and enjoy. Eventually you can just tell your whole body to relax and it will. This is helpful through out the day when you get tense.
You can also do a shoulder check periodically through out the day. If your shoulders are up to your ears put them back where they belong. You can also listen to relaxing music. This always helped me. Yeah, you need a pdoc that you can count on. Sorry about the people at work. I think that you are doing a really good job trying to improve things!
__________________
Don't let your problems or the world make you feel small. Stretch your arms out over your head. Take a deep breathe. Tell yourself that you are big. You are big, not small. You always have space, you are not trapped........ I'm an ISFJ |
| SUNNY2009
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